In Love with A Narcissist? Signs and How to Cope...

According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual-5 (DSM-V), criteria for narcissism includes: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts as indicated by five or more of the following:1) A grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents) 2) Preoccupied with fantasies of power, success, brilliance, ideal love 3) Believes he/she is special; can only associate with other special people 4) Requires excessive admiration (or in some cases can get abusive) 5) Has a sense of entitlement 6) Exploits relationship; takes advantage of others for own benefit 7) Lacks empathy

Characteristics of an abusive narcissist may entail: 1) Lacks Remorse 2) Controlling 3) Lies 4) Blames You For Their Lies 5) Arrogant 6) Cruel 7) Secretive 8) Selfish 9) Manipulative

Often, addicts (any kind of addict) embody characteristics of narcissism. However, some may not really be narcissistic,they may just present with similar attributes in their addiction.

Once they enter recovery, if they are not truly narcissistic, they will develop and demonstrate empathy, compassion, and a sense of humility across settings.

For partners of true narcissists, life can be extremely challenging. These life challenges are usually exacerbated by the narcissistic's addictive behaviors.

For instance, addicts lie. But for a narcissist who is an addict; they will lie, believe their lie, and blame their partner for the behavior that led them to lie. And, they will do so in an arrogant and entitled way.

According to the narcissist, "Everything is YOUR fault!"

For partners of narcissists, arguments result in being told the following:

"You're over-reacting" "I didn't say that" "Stop blowing it out of proportion" "You took it wrong" "Why do you argue about everything?"

Partners often feel desperate, constantly thinking and obsessing about the relationship, all the while trying to find ways to make their narcissistic partner see them as worthy or good enough. Often, they are left feeling and at times acting crazy, neurotic, irrational, and irritable; all the while becoming an expert detective.

Women and men who have experienced the wrath of a true narcissist describe having symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder among other things: depression, anxiety, chronic shame, and intense low self worth.

Partners have reported that it was when they finally escaped the grips of their narcissistic partner and ended their relationship that they were able to truly heal form the trauma they endured.

For partners in a relationship with a narcissist, help is here. Here are some tips for coping with a narcissist:

Get help! Talk to a trained therapist who specializes in treating partners of narcissists as well as has expertise in treating addiction. Have safe people who you trust and can talk to honestly about your relationship. Be open to their feedback; they care about you!

Educate Yourself: Knowledge is empowering and gives us choice. Recommended book: Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self Absorbed by Wendy Terrie Behary, LCSW

Work on Your Self Esteem: This can be empowering but also can create challenges in the relationship with the narcissist, as they like to feel superior in the relationship and keep their partner feeling weak and questioning (for power/control).

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them: This is hard, but it is the best thing that you can do for yourself and your children (if you have them). Be prepared for the narcissist (and addict if you are dealing with both) to rage, be hateful, abusive and threatening at times. Therefore,

Safety Plan: Create a safety plan with your therapist or a safe person and do not tell your narcissistic partner. This can be challenging (you may want to share it with your partner out of fear, low self worth, or a desire to be loved and approved). It is essential to keep yourself (and your children) safe from harm, especially if you are dealing with an abusive narcissist.

Leave: The reality of being with a narcissist is that you may have to leave. This may be your best and healthiest choice, especially if you have children. It is important to remember that the two most important people in our world as children and where we learn about relationships is from our mother and father. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, your children are watching, sensing, hearing and feeling what you are experiencing, even if you think they are too young or not paying attention.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely challenging, emotionally taxing, and physically exhausting. Learning ways to cope in a healthy way can improve your sense of self but also give you the strength to make healthy decisions for yourself and your future.

Please know you are WORTH IT~

Namasté,

Candice

Photo by esteemology.com

Surviving "Death": There is Nothing to Fear

"All anxiety, all dissatisfaction, all the reasons for hoping that our experience could be different are rooted in our fear of death. Fear of death is always in the background."-Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart, 1997 Each day, we experience a death of sorts, whether it be in the form of things not working out the way we want, or feeling frustrated or disappointed at someone or something. We also experience it as parts of ourselves or parts of our realities that die.

For instance, divorce is a death. A betrayal due to a loved one's addiction creates a death. Losing friendships, financial loss, a change in faith, losing one's career, a change in one's health; all can signify a death. Change in everyday life is a death.

"When the day ends, when the second ends, when we breathe out, that's death in everyday life"(Chodron, p. 43).

Yet, we spend so much energy and time focusing on avoiding death that we often find ourselves anxious and panicked at the very thought of it.

What if, instead of experiencing fear and panic over change, we instead saw "death" as motivation? Motivation for living in the present moment, motivation for embracing the sanctity of our present tense?

What if we let ourselves get back to the basics of embracing WHAT IS, right here and now?

What if we allow ourselves to take a minute and imagine what it would feel like to breathe in and have a present moment with ourselves without any fear of a death that may happen throughout our day?

"....giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death" (Chodron, p. 45).

When we allow ourselves the space to embrace the reality that exists only in this moment, staying present with what is and not what could be or all the "what ifs" we begin to heal.

Change is inevitable, therefore giving us all the more reason to learn how to embrace the fluidity of each day. Especially how to embrace the sanctity of ourselves in our present tense. You are worth this.

Namasté ~the divine in me honors the divine in you....we are one,

Candice

Free Chronic Stress Webinar, Feb 8th 5-6p.m. with Cari Junge Health Advisor

Couples Yoga with Candice and Master Yogi and Owner Carrie Coppola (Mudita Yoga), Feb 13th, 12-3 p.m. $200 per couple; $50 reserves seats

RSVP: cari@namasteadvice.com Inquire about all our Sexual/Relationship/Substance Abuse Recovery Groups, Individual/Family/Couples Therapy at namasteadvice.com.

photo by: gracechurchnb.com

Playing A "Part": Understanding "Parts" Work In Recovery

I have parts. We all do. I have a part that is a scared little girl, about 5 years old, as well as a part that is a controlling nag. I have a part who is typing this blog (she is a perfectionist at times). Please do not assume that because I have parts, I have Dissociative Identify Disorder because I don't. I simply have parts like the rest of humanity. Sound crazy? Maybe at first; however, once you start to understand the parts of you that live inside and have feelings, reactions, responses, and thoughts, your world truly opens up. Things change; we start to heal.

It is pretty phenomenal.

Richard Schwartz created a brilliant method of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) which explores people's various "parts" (sometimes called sub-personalities) that live inside each of us and have their own unique feelings, thoughts, motivations, and view of the world (Self Therapy, Jay Early, 2009, p.2).

The goal is to identify these parts in order to resolve the trauma that is attached and transform them into more functional, healthy parts. Some parts are little, called "Exiles"; while others are bigger parts called "Protectors". Once identified, we begin to explore how they interact in our everyday environment. It is important to know that we have multiple parts that live inside of us (not just one or two).

Still sound crazy?

This method has deepened my work tremendously with my clients. I swear by it as a trauma therapist and my clients have healed faster by using this method along with EMDR. It is amazing. I highly recommend it to everyone.

Let's explore an example:

Janie is a grown woman who has a history of sexual abuse by her uncle starting at age 5 years of age. Her parents knew about the abuse but never protected her or stopped him (they turned the other cheek). Janie married Hank when she was 18; Hank is a sex addict who spends hours looking at pornography. He was recently fired from his job for looking at porn on his work computer.

Janie finds out. She is devastated; she feels sick to her stomach and horrified by his behavior. Especially since he is the primary breadwinner. She also feels disgust and distrust in the relationship. Hank is no longer a "safe" person to Janie's little girl part, which tends to show up every time her husband is around her, and especially when he is in his "addict" part.

This impacts her behavior around him to where one of her "protector" parts comes out to check out via the television and with food. She neglects her family as a result of locking herself in her room to cope.

Hank's addict part is like a teenager. He is manipulative, sneaky, and lies... A LOT. His teen part gets triggered when Janie checks out because his mom used to do that with he and his siblings when his dad would get drunk. This feeds his wanting to numb out by looking at porn to escape the discomfort and fear of rejection.

Both Janie and Hank's parts are the main players who continually show up in their relationship. Their adult parts show up at times, but Janies' 5 year old and Hank's addict run the show.

In order to assist this couple in there healing, therapy must focus on helping them each identify these parts and heal them so that Janie and Hank can interact and engage from their healthy, adaptive adult parts. Individual and couples therapy (the latter, once each person is stable) is recommended.

Like Janie and Hank, every individual I have worked with since I started using Internal Family System's Method can relate to having parts. Both men and women describe times in their lives where they got "stuck" inside, and that part or more than one part continually rears it's head.

Some people report being able to sense that a part is out, but having a hard time identifying what it is. Instead, they often show up to therapy as a specific part, making the therapy process a replication of their childhood and relationship dynamic.

For example, individuals who have drug addiction often show up to therapy in their teenage addict part; this part is so strong that they will continually argue, manipulate, defend, lie, and battle in therapy. It often creates havoc in treatment and is counterproductive to healing. This part often protects an incredibly shame based part that hides deep inside.

Individuals that show up to therapy in their sex/porn addict part sometimes argue, blame their spouse, and are in great denial. However, more often than not, they don't stay in that part as often as individuals with drug addiction. Instead, they quickly present a part that has tremendous amount of shame and despair, looking very fragile in their presentation.

When individuals have sex and drug addictions, the drug addict part often runs the show and calls the shots in treatment until they feel safe enough to let their guard down.

Partners of addicts often show up in various parts. Some show up as a checked out, numb part; others show up as a stoic, distrusting, and guarded part. While others show up as "go getters"; in control and over-compensating for the addict's indiscretions.

We also see this in youth (children and teens). Some will show up as a smaller version of themselves, while others have already formed an addict part or other protector part that keeps them from feeling further pain and shame.

Healing Parts:

It is essential that individuals explore and heal their parts so that they can operate from their functional, authentic selves in all aspects of their lives. This will improve one's relationship with their loved ones and create a sense of internal comfort. It is also important that both people in the couple-ship learn about their parts so they both are able to understand each other better.

Here are some beginner tools to use when exploring parts:

• Do this work with a trained trauma expert who understands parts work
• Purchase a journal and Jay Early's book titled, Self Therapy (this does not replace therapy but will help you understand your parts)
• Identify Protector Parts and Exiles

Protector Parts: Explore in your journal the following questions designed for these bigger parts that live inside you:

What is it trying to protect you from? It's positive intent for you? How does it protect you from pain? How does it relate to others? What's it's role in helping you manage your life

Exile Parts: Explore in your journal the following questions designed for these smaller (younger parts) that live inside you:

What emotions does it feel? What pain does it carry? What is it afraid of? What negative beliefs does it have? What situations/relationships is it stuck in from childhood? What current situations trigger it? What protectors come out when it is triggered?

By learning about the various parts, both the adaptive and maladaptive ones that show up in your life each day, as well as how they interact inside of you, you will be able to take your recovery to a deeper level. In order to heal completely, we must heal ALL parts of ourselves, not just "the addict" or "the scared partner" parts.

*For more information on parts work or to schedule a consultation/therapy session, email Cari at cari@namasteadvice.com

As always, remember, you are SO worth it!

Namasté,

Candice Note: This blog references Jay Early's book Self Therapy, 2009).Photo by mariashriver.com

Affordable Adrenal Healing Webinar and Intro to Couples Yoga at Namasté starting in February! Healing Adrenal Fatigue 12-Week Webinar for individuals who have experienced chronic stress and exhaustion from life's many stressors; Mondays starting February 1st, 4:30-6p.m. $30 per call. Couples Intro to Yoga-for Couples wanting to improve trust, learn forgiveness, and connect on a more intimate level; Feb 13th, 12-3 p.m; $200 total; rsvp: candice@namasteadvice.com; $50 reserves your seats; space is limited! Email Cari at admin@namasteadvice for a copy of our Group and Workshop Schedule and Fees, or to RSVP

The Grass is Greener...Where You Are

HAPPY NEW YEAR! As recovery from the holidays (and New Year's Eve) begins, it is common for people to make New Year's Resolutions. Often people set goals related to recovery from unhealthy behaviors including substance addiction, porn/sex addiction, food/sugar addiction, workaholism, an addiction to chaos and stress, debting/spending, or all of the above. But, sadly a lot of people don't change. Instead, they stuff their deep-seated (and often maladaptive) thoughts and feelings related to their intimate relationship, work, finances, etc and focus on life outside of their own.

Many have a belief that the grass is greener on the other side.

They believe, "If I have this (money, drugs, sex, food), or am with her/him.... my life will be easier, happier, better."

I assure you that this is not true; the grass is NOT greener. Where you go, there you are.

People sometimes get a "scent" under their nose of another woman or man that they think will make them happier than their significant partner, husband and/or wife. They won't.

This may seem like a blunt and brash assumption on my part;however, as an expert in treating all kinds of intimacy issues and relational conflict, I have seen it. Unless you are in an abusive, or trauma-filled relationship where betrayal is on-going on one or more level (this is truly relative to the person experiencing it), I believe that with the proper guidance and support by a trained expert, most relationships can recover.

1. Why do people think the grass is greener on the other side?
2. They don't want to look at their own unresolved issues
3. They have already started an emotional, mental, or physical affair with a person, porn, substance(s), finances, and/or their work
4. They are absorbed in their addiction(s)
5. All of the above

Unresolved Issues: People that think the grass is greener on the other side often are terrified of taking a look at the deeper issues, thoughts and feelings in their past and present. They may have depression, anxiety, unresolved trauma, and attachment issues (or all of the above) that they have never healed. Without doing the work, they will continue to look at someone else's yard comparing their "lack of" with what the neighbor has.

An Affair: With social media nowadays, is actually pretty easy to spot an affair unfolding. People will either post too much about an affair that is unfolding, or keep it secret and focus on their partner, family, forming a double life. For folks that are having an affair, they will always think the grass is greener and most often will blame their partner and "life" on their choice to have an affair. Cheating is always a symptom of a deeper issue, and it has nothing to do with being unhappy with one's spouse. Guaranteed.

Addiction: Whether it is an addiction to substances, alcohol, porn, sex, relationships, food, individuals with an addiction (or multiple addictions), people often think the grass is greener IN their addiction, therefore, their focus remains deluded.

Realizing that the Grass is Greener Where You Are takes daily practice, consistent structure, and support. But it is possible!

Here are some simple ways to enjoying the grass in your own backyard:

Be Accountable: Stop blaming others. Get honest with yourself about your choices, actions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, and the impact they have on your loved ones, finances, work, and life in general

Get help! Therapy, especially if you have an addiction, are experiencing a depression/anxiety/trauma symptoms, are having marital conflict, work stress, etc, will help you! Your life can and will improve if you are open and willing to do the work.

Have Gratitude: If you want more of a good thing, focus on having gratitude for the good things that you already have. This is such a simple yet effective tool. Start today and write in a gratitude journal, taking note of all that you appreciate in your life. Watch it grow!

Set a Daily Intention to focus on the grass being greener where you are: This takes practice, especially for people who have gotten in an emotional rut, are depressed, or have gotten used to blaming others for their issues. Examples include: "Today, I intend to show appreciation to my loved ones and use kinder words" or "Today, I intend to be present to what life has to offer me." For individuals in their addiction, the intention may be: "Today, I will get myself into recovery/start recovery/schedule my intake/check into detox"

Do it! The only way to have the life you want is to actually practice daily change, meaning you have to actively do things differently on an on-going basis. Yes, you will likely make mistakes along the way, but that is how you grow!

Life will get easier and better in time, especially if you let yourself embrace the fact that you have this amazing life in front of you. Even with all the trials and tribulations you may face, the grass is truly greener where you are, I promise.

As always, remember, you are SO worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

Lots of new groups coming to Namasté in January! Courage to Heal Men's Substance Abuse Recovery Group Monday, Jan 4th, 7-8:30p.m. $35 per group

I am Enough Women's Trauma Recovery Group, Wednesdays, Jan 6th, 6-8 p.m. $30 per group

Mending a Shattered Heart Female Partner of Intimate Betrayal Group 2nd and 4th Thursday 6-8 p.m. $45 per group

New Year, New You Saturday Workshop Saturday, Jan 16th, 10-2 p.m.; $60 total

Healing Adrenal Fatigue On-Going Group for individuals who have experienced chronic stress and exhaustion from life's many stressors; Mondays starting in February, 4:30-6p.m. $25 per group

Couples Yoga Intensive Weekend for Couples wanting to improve trust, learn forgiveness, and connect on a more intimate level; Jan 12-13th; $600 total; rsvp: candice@namasteadvice.com

Email Cari at admin@namasteadvice or call 801-272-3500 for a copy of our Group and Workshop Schedule and Fees, or to RSVP

A New Year, A New Healthy YOU!

How many times over this past year, in 2015, did you consciously strive to change your health and feel like you failed? How often did you wonder what caused you to feel like a "failure"? How much time did you take to explore the reasons for what may have felt like "false starts"?

Many people set numerous new year intentions for changing their health patterns, then begin, only to realize they get stuck, then suddenly stop.

In order to move forward with anything, we must take time to reflect on our past choices, behaviors, and thoughts, especially when it comes to our health habits. The good news is that we can do so without stunting our potential for growth in the future.

Here are some tips for doing that:

Stick to the facts List in chronological order Be a curious observer Let it go!

Stick To The Facts:

First, keep it simple. Write an account of one to three times this past year that you started to proactively change your health. Document your exercise, your diet, your lifestyle (sleep, work modes, social settings, etc…) and any other areas you jump-started, that ended in a hard fall.

List In Chronological Order:

Let time be your guide to reflect and process in chronological order the plans you made, the process you embarked on and what happened that prevented you from continuing.

Be A Curious Observer:

Look, connect and feel. This means be witness to what you accomplished, connect to both the successes and challenges you faced, and feel the sensations in your mind and body today from those experiences back then.

Let It Go!

Embrace and surrender as you move into a New Year and the opportunity for a New You, and a New, Healthier You! It’s easier to start a new pattern than to re-pattern an old one so imagine the change you want to become and start today!

Join me for our Namasté “New Year, New You” Workshop, and together we will create your 2016 plan for a “New, Healthy You”! When: Saturday, January 16th from 10:00am-2:00pm! $60 total; Reserve your seat today! admin@namasteadvice.com.

Remember, You are worth it!

Namasté,

Cari Junge, Integrative Health Advisor Namasté Center for Healing