Healing From Betrayal

Intimate betrayal can take on many forms, the most common one being "cheating." As an esteemed colleague once said to me so poignantly, it is not so much about the "cheating on" that is painful, as it is the "cheating out of" that hurts. Partners of a spouse who cheats via an affair with another person, substance abuse, financial betrayal, workaholism, are cheated out of what and whom they thought they were committing to: an honest, loving, faithful person who they could trust. They are cheated out of a life they had hoped and dreamed of, cheated out of future plans, especially if their loved one refuses to get help or get better.

The spouse who causes the intimate betrayal is cheated out of the same things: a life they deserve with their loving partner and children, living in ways that are congruent and authentic to who they truly are, honoring a value system and belief system that feels good in a healthy way; one that entails fidelity, trustworthiness, honesty, and accountability.

Many individuals I work with ask if healing from intimate betrayal is possible. My answer is "Yes."

The question is, "How?"

First, it depends on whether or not the person with the cheating behavior, which can entail cheating with an addiction of sorts, wants to get well. If they do want to get help then,

SEEK HELP:The person that has caused the intimate betrayal needs to seek treatment by a qualified therapist that is trained to deal with these intricate and complicated issues

HONESTY: They need to be 100% honest and fully accountable for all of their behavior

COMMITMENT: They need to be committed to changing at ALL costs

WORK A PROGRAM: They need to work a recovery program where they have daily homework, support, guidance, and accountability

TRUST: They need work daily to rebuild trust in their relationship with themselves and their loved ones. This takes as long as it takes, however, can happen if they are willing to stay the course.

Sometimes the person that has committed the intimate betrayal will not want to get help. Regardless of whether or not they do, in order to heal, we encourage partners do the following:

SEEK HELP: It is crucial to get therapy, as the entire family system gets sick when their is an addiction and/or intimate betrayal has occurred. Seek therapy from a qualified professional who specializes in treating intimate betrayal, as it can be complicated

BOUNDARIES: It is crucial to learn and set healthy boundaries with a spouse that has done the cheating. Lies and manipulation are often a big part of the intimate betrayal. Setting healthy emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual boundaries in the relationship is a sign of love of self and other, not a punishment.

SELF CARE: Sometimes spouses who have cheated are afraid of their partner getting healthy for fear that they may leave them. As a result, some try to sabotage the partner's progress in an attempt to maintain control. It is imperative to stay the course and get the support one needs to get well. Finding time to take care of oneself-even if it is as simple as reading a good book or drinking a cup of tea snuggled in a blanket on the couch- is extremely important for one's mental, emotional, and physical health.

TRUST YOUR GUT: Addicts lie, cheaters lie. Can they learn to be honest and accountable? Absolutely. But for partners of spouses who cheat, they have gotten attuned to a sense inside that their loved one is lying, using, cheating. Trust that! Don't buy into the lies and manipulation. If you feel your spouse is using drugs, have them drug tested. If you feel your spouse is having an affair, trust that. Your gut will never lie to you. Seek guidance from your therapist if and when this feeling arises.

Healing from intimate betrayal is possible, with time, and the proper guidance and support from professionals who specialize in treating this complex issue. If you feel like your spouse is cheating on your via a person, or substances, with the finances, etc., seek help. Know that you are not alone, and that in time, you too can and will heal.

In humble gratitude dear ones.

Namasté,

Candice

Contact info: NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Lots of new groups coming to Namasté in January!

-Courage to Heal Men's Substance Abuse Recovery Group-I am Enough Women's Trauma Recovery Group-Mending a Shattered Heart Female Partner of Intimate Betrayal Group-New Year, New You Saturday Workshop to create a 12-Month Wellness Plan for your health-Healing Adrenal Fatigue On-Going Group for individuals who have experienced chronic stress and exhaustion from life's many stressors-Couples Yoga Intensive Weekend for Couples wanting to improve trust, learn forgiveness, and connect on a more intimate level Email Cari at admin@namasteadvice for a copy of our Group and Workshop Schedule and Fees.

photo by: postersandprintsblog

Non-Hands on Sex Crimes: Always "Sex Offenses"?

I recently read a case where a man plead guilty to burglary and a "sexually directed" crime. Apparently, the sexual part of the crime was that he stole pair of underpants. While he did not have any contact with the person that owned the underwear (he stole them from the house he burglarized), at one point he wore the underpants. Police arrested him after he admitted to wearing the underpants;however, he stated that he never masturbated with the underpants on. In the end, he was convicted of a sex offense and sent to prison. The question that was posed related to this crime: Is he really a sex offender?

Let's explore various aspects of this crime:

1) What is the crime that he actually committed? Burglary (which seems obvious), a "sex offense", or both? And, if he committed a sex offense, clinically does he fit under the label of "sex offender"? Some research suggests that while there is often some overlap between the legal and clinical constructs of sexual offending, they are not congruent, particularly related to disorders of sexual preference.

He indeed committed a burglary by breaking into a person's home and stealing. But did he really sexually offend? I presume that the argument can go both ways; one way being yes he offended against the person whose underwear he stole. The other being no, an object such as underwear is just that; an object. It may be offensive and strange to steal it and wear it, but it is not necessarily a sex offense.

2) Stealing underwear can mean a variety of things to an individual. I know this because I work with many men who come to Namasté describing what appears to be sexual compulsion (or rather, the controversial term "sex addiction"). They often report that since childhood, they have stolen other people's underwear and either smelled it, worn it, and/or masturbated with it on. Many men that participate in this behavior describe unresolved childhood trauma and/or clear attachment issues related to his mother. There is indeed significant shame attached to their past trauma and current coping behavior.

Some report that wearing their mother's underwear as a youth made them feel "closer" to their primary caregiver (a coping skill), while wearing it as an adult is a replication of this type of connection, but now with women they may not feel comfortable getting close to (i.e., for fear of rejection). It can also be a way for an individual to feel more comfortable in their skin if there is a severe history of abuse and trauma. This too is typically a trauma response and is often a result of being abused as a child, for instance for being the son in the family who "got the brunt of it". Therefore, some men believe that wearing and touching the sensation of the underwear is soothing; it comforts them to have it on.

Still, some men have described feeling like they are more like a woman by wearing women's underwear, but not in the sense of wanting to be female. Based on their history of abuse, they report wearing underwear as a way to relieve the pressure of being male. This may not make sense to any of us, but to the person struggling with this behavior, once we shed light on the historical basis of their behavior, which is often one of the things I have described, they feel a huge sense of relief (and consequently, start to change the behavior).

2) Why do people commit theft or burglary such as this? Some might say that the obvious answer is that they are Antisocial and do not have a value system or moral compass. Others might say that it is as simple as them needing something and not having the money to buy it.

However, there are other, deeper reasons why people steal besides having a personality disorder or needing something they cannot afford. If you look at a person's upbringing and how they were nurtured (or not), it often sheds light on their choice to steal from others. For instance, I once had a female client who stole from her aunt when she was 12 years old. In therapy she described her aunt being a very large woman who would sit on my client when she was angry at her. My client shared being so angry with her aunt that as a "pay back", she stole her jewelry because her aunt loved it so much. This type of behavior is called Monetized Rage. It involves stealing money or items in an attempt to resolve unresolved anger, pain, sadness or hurt.

How are Monetized Rage and Eroticized Rage for that matter, potential aspects in this case? Monetized rage is similar to eroticized rage, which is sexualizing behavior in an attempt to resolve anger, pain, sadness, hurt. For instance, some of my clients have reported looking at porn with their wife next to them in bed as a way to "get back" at their wife for not being in the mood to sex with them. Out of anger, they look at porn. Their maladaptive thinking is, "Fine, I will satisfy my own needs!" Neither monetized rage nor eroticized rage are healthy, but people partake in this type of behavior as a form of coping.

Are we being too broad in how we label sex offenses? Let's look at some "sex crimes" that are questionable sex offenses but still on the legal books (even though they are rarely prosecuted). Fornication, for instance, is sexual intercourse between two unmarried people. Adultery Fornication, is sexual intercourse with someone other than one's spouse. Both are still considered non-forcible sex offenses that have been recognized since early American common law. These are still considered unlawful under some state statutes. However, neither fornication nor adultery is prosecuted with much regularity. The requirements of penetration that must be proved in other sexual offenses involving sexual intercourse also must be proved for fornication and adultery.

Along with this, teens are now being charged federally as committing sexual offenses in some jurisdictions for producing child porn if they send a nude picture of their genitalia to another person. Some have to register as sex offenders for committing what has been labeled as self-produced pornography.

Other factors to consider: What if this man is exploring his own gender identity issues or simply likes wearing women's underwear? There are many men who have stolen underwear and worn it because they are exploring their own gender identity. Is this a crime? Stealing might be, but is wearing the underwear as part of one's gender exploration/identification process? What if he likes wearing women's underwear for not other reason than he "likes it." Can we let that be what it is? Or do we have to pathologize it?

As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, my role is to accurately assess what the client (and often his or her significant partner, the law, work, family members) deem as damaging to self, relationships, and their lives. If someone enjoys wearing the opposite sex's underwear and it is not causing harm to others, who cares? The issue in this case is that this individual broke the law by stealing the underwear (by breaking into a person's home). Clearly illegal behavior.

What might treatment for this type of individual look like? I would not jump immediately to clinically labeling this person, including labeling him as a sex offender. I would explore his life history, looking for any trauma and origin of various coping skills, including sexual and non sexual. I would also explore his attachment style to his primary caregivers and as an adult, and the possibility that he may not know how to get his non-sexual and sexual needs met in a healthy way, so he "takes" and possibly "gets off-gets his dopamine high" with the goal of no one noticing. I would assess and treat any paraphilic disorders (if appropriate), explore and treat (if applicable) "sex addiction", underlying shame, and any trauma (these are the "why" of his behaviors). I would also focus on the origins of his stealing behavior as well as any thinking errors, accountability, empathy, etc., and work on him learning to ask for what he needs, and getting what he needs in a healthy way rather than taking things illegally. If he simply likes to wear women's underwear then so be it. More power to him; the goal again would be to wear underwear that he purchases. I would treat the issues accurately instead of using the one size fits all stamp of sex crime = sex offense = sex offender treatment. If he needs sex offender treatment, then that is what I would recommend. But not without doing an accurate and complete assessment of all the information first.

Final Note: I realize I may be thinking WAY outside the box related to sex crimes and sex offending and that my blog may offend some individuals. I respect that. But, perhaps it is time for our society to take a more open-minded approach to treating various sex crimes instead of labeling all behavior that appears to be sexual in nature as "sex offenses". After all, there are a lot of unmarried fornicators and adultery fornication going on (remember the recent Ashley Madison hack and scandal?). I am being somewhat facetious in saying this as I realize that committing burglary is quite different than these two more common sexual behaviors (which, in my opinion, should no longer be in the legal books as a sex offense). What if we provided accurate assessments and treatment interventions for folks with varying degrees of what we consider to be sexually deviant behavior so that they too can heal? Doesn't everyone deserve that?

THANK YOU.

This morning I woke up feeling a sense of amazing gratitude. I want to share my feelings with you on a day of giving thanks. When I was growing up, I turned to music as a healing reprieve. It uplifted me in a way that I hadn't felt before. It became a healing sanctuary that allowed me to feel safe and at ease in my body, in my mind, in my life.

Today, I want to share with you a song that brings me to peace; a song that describes perfectly how I feel today.

It is Alanis Morissette's song, "Thank You." The link to the lyrics and song (not her video) are on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5mTJKg26jg (if it doesn't open, go to youtube.com and type her song "lyrics" for "Thank You" and listen).

I cry everytime I listen to this song, as it fills my heart with so much appreciation. I think, "YES! This is SO true!!" All of the things she sings about (even if some sound odd) are things to be thankful for.

After all, we learn from every good, bad, ugly, and beautiful experience we face! Thus, the reason to be in gratitude for our learnings.

So in my blog today, for this Thanksgiving holiday that some people celebrate, I am going to share with you Alanis Morissette's lyrics from her song, "Thank you."

Please read each lyric, then put the link in your browser and listen to it (*the words without her beautiful voice singing don't do the song justice-they may even sound negative so please listen to her singing the song in the link*).

With love and so much gratitude for you all, dear friends, here is Alanis Morissette's "Thank You":

"How bout getting off of these antibiotics

How bout stopping eating when I'm full up

How bout them transparent dangling carrots

How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India

Thank you Terror

Thank you Disillusionment

Thank you Frailty

Thank you Consequence

Thank you THANK YOU Silence

How bout me not blaming you for everything

How bout me enjoying the moment FOR ONCE

How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you (YES!)

How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India

Thank you Terror

Thank you Disillusionment

Thank you Frailty

Thank you Consequence

Thank you THANK YOU Silence

The moment I let ago of it Was the moment I got more than I could handle

The moment I jumped off of it

WAS THE MOMENT I TOUCHED DOWN

How bout no longer being masochistic

HOW BOUT REMEMBERING YOUR DIVINITY

HOW BOUT UNABASHEDLY BALLING YOUR EYES OUT

how bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India

Thank you Providence

Thank you disillusionment

Thank you nothingness

Thank you clarity

Thank you Thank you Silence

Yeah Yeah Oh Oh, ah-ah-Oh ah-ah-Oh..." Thank you to each and every one of you who I have had the honor and privilege in my life and career of meeting and walking with on this blessed journey (those past, present and future). I am truly humbled today by the incredible blessings in my life, including the healing work I get to do with each and every person that comes to Namasté. I am so thankful for my team of amazing clinicians and healers; it is because of you that so many more people are able to heal themselves, their relationships, and their lives.

A final note: here is a link of Jim Carrey sharing the meaning of life. You might be pleasantly surprised by his immense wisdom. I encourage you to listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0ZrkBCnfxw

In humble gratitude dear ones.

Namasté,

Candice

Unknown

image:holifestival.com

You are the "Real Deal": Stop Acting Like an Imposter

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection"~Buddha

When I was in graduate school, I was invited to interview at a prestigious Feminist Multicultural Internship site that allowed only 4 students into their training program per year. When the call for my interview came, I was in shock, so much so that I did not answer the phone. I didn't call the Internship Coordinator back!

My multicultural counseling professor and mentor found out that I had not returned the internship coordinator's call and pulled me aside one day after class. She had, after all, written a letter of recommendation for me to attend this internship site, and was confused as to why I hadn't followed through; my avoidant behavior was uncharacteristic of me.

My professor was the first person to introduce me to the concept of feeling like an "Imposter."

"Candice," she said quite resolutely, "You are not an imposter." She then explained what Imposter Syndrome entails.

Imposter Syndrome, also called Fraud Syndrome, was first used by psychologists in the 1970s to describe individuals who could not internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their accomplishments, individuals with this syndrome believe they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome).

I never knew there was a "syndrome" that described how I felt all these years! I had struggled to accept all of my hard work, dedication, and perseverance that had gotten me to this very moment. "Who am I?" I thought (like so many times before), "Who am I to think I deserve this amazing opportunity?"

The staff that interviewed me at the internship site shared that my letters of recommendation were so "stellar" that they "had to meet" me. That same day they offered me an internship with them. I was floored. Who are they talking about? I thought.

However, I decided to put my fear of being a fraud aside and embrace this opportunity. I feel truly blessed that I did as it was the beginning of many transformative experiences in both my career and my life.

Like me, so many incredibly intuitive, bright, dynamic, and creative individuals walk around feeling like they are an imposter. They question every success they have had, wondering if they will somehow be "found out" that they are not good enough, not capable of...; a fraud.

So many people hold onto old, outdated beliefs, often from childhood, that they are unworthy of having success; unworthy of a beautiful life.

Many individuals with Imposter Syndrome feel like they are not capable of living a life free of suffering. If they have a success, it is nearly impossible for them to accept that they truly earned it based on their own merits. Internalizing their worth seems like an impossible feat.

The most impactful part of my internship experience was learning and witnessing in myself, along with hearing from others that even then, I was the Real Deal.

Granted it has taken years upon years for me to allow this statement to fully sink in, and only until recently have I been able to completely understand and embrace being The Real Deal.

(Funny, as I just wrote the last statement, I had a twinge of fear of the Imposter. Even now she creeps in.... so subtle, reminding me that she is still here if I want to go back into my box and play small.)

Indeed, the mask that a person with Imposter Syndrome wears is thick, heavy, weighed down by years of guilt and shame at not measuring up to real or fictional parental expectations, to the exceptions of friends, to the expectations of educators; to anyone. Even though these are often the perfectionistic kids that appear to do well in all areas of their lives, they push themselves so hard and with an incredibly unforgiving eye. Sadly, they often can't see their worth. They are blind to it.

I realize, after years of struggling with this, that it can take quite some time to embrace our raw authenticity and vulnerability.

The statement "I am the Real Deal" applies to anyone who has endured years of feeling like an imposter. Anyone who has felt like your accomplishments are a sham, that you don't deserve your successes in life. You too are the REAL DEAL. That may be hard to say, swallow, or even let sink in, but let yourself say it because it is true.

What I am continuing to learn is that there is something really quite beautiful in the messiness of our raw existence; our raw and vulnerable perfect imperfection. It is beautiful.

If you can identify with having Imposter Syndrome, ask yourself, "Is it working for me to continue to feel like an imposter? To hide behind my true genius?" Who does that really benefit?

What would it look like, more importantly, what would it feel like, to rid yourself of the Imposter Syndrome and allow your brilliant self to shine? How would it be to embrace the authentic, powerful you who is THE REAL DEAL?

Today is a new day; a beautiful opportunity to cradle the authentic YOU in your arms. You are worth loving. You are worth embracing who you truly are! Let love in and let the Imposter Syndrome go.

Now is the time.

With love dear friends~

Namasté, Candice

Contact info: NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500 Image by mywellnesswithwendy.com

Falling Down the "Rabbit Hole"... From Disconnection to Connection over the Holidays

With the holidays approaching, I have been thinking about Alice in Wonderland and the idea of falling down the rabbit hole. It seems that there are more opportunities for folks to fall down during this time. T'is the season, eh? According to Google, the definition of rabbit hole is: "...a bizarre, confusing, or nonsensical situation or environment, typically one from which it is difficult to extricate oneself."

When I say "Rabbit Hole", I am referring to anything that you experience inside or outside of you that you find confusing, bizarre, nonsensical; that which is difficult to free yourself of.

For instance, an addiction can be one's Rabbit Hole. And, let's be honest, don't we all have one? How many of us could honestly say that we are addicted to our phones? How many times have you checked your phone since you awoke this morning? How many of us get anxious if we don't have our phone, can't find it, break it; all of the above?

How many of us have a ritual of checking the phone each time you hear or see a message come through? Or checking it and responding to someone while having an intimate conversation with your spouse or partner, friends at dinner, playing with your children, or in an appointment or meeting?

That is just one "Rabbit Hole" of addictions. But it indeed keeps us disconnected, which is really quite ironic, isn't it?

A device created to keep us connected to others and the world actually disconnects us from intimacy, having a true connection, an actual conversation; socialization.

Day in and day out I hear about relationships that have gone south because of a lack of intimacy. Although we treat a variety of "Rabbit Hole" issues~from infidelity, to problems with non-sexual and sexual intimacy, to prevention for potential sex offenders, to sexual anorexia, to substance abuse, eating/health issues, and trauma, one area that often gets missed in treating these other addictions is the "Rabbit Hole" of being addicted to one's phones, which is a main culprit for decreasing intimacy in relationships.

People often think intimacy is sexual. It's not. Intimacy starts outside of the bedroom via non-sexual connection and non-sexual touching (not groping your partner, but gentle touching). Statistically speaking, both men and women alike need 8-10 non-sexual touches to feel connected; connected enough to be sexual with one another.

Let's add another important component into the mix: How is being addicted to your phone keeping you from connecting to your children/teens and how is their obsession with their phone keeping them from connecting to you and others? What are they learning via social media that you would prefer teaching them?

Have they also fallen down the "Rabbit Hole" of addiction in this sense? I would not be naive to what your children and teens are or have been exposed to on-line. They see and read stuff they shouldn't see and read (i.e.,stuff that can be traumatizing, hurtful, confusing, etc).

I don't mean to dismiss the nay-sayers who continue to argue that pornography isn't addictive (everyone is entitled to their opinion), but their argument goes against all the brain research that shows a connection between looking at pornography and changes in the brain similar to those the are addicted to alcohol and cocaine (for more information on this google Valerie Voon, Dr. David Hilton, for example).

Guess where your child, girl or boy (let's not be naive and think females don't look at porn), first saw pornography? By the way, on average, depending on what country you research, children (both boys and girls) are exposed to pornography by the time they are 10 to 11 years old (5th or 6th grade). If you ask, they likely will say they haven't seen it, but let's be honest with ourselves....everyone has seen it whether we want to or not. Welcome to the digital age...sadly.

Some research suggests that by the time all high schoolers graduate from high school they will have been exposed to pornography via their phones,a friend's phone, a computer or other device while not with you. Can you say "Rabbit Hole"?

I realize this may seem depressing to read about, or frustrating, or even angering for some of you. Especially since a majority of us has a phone, and several other screens for that matter. After all, this is a major "Rabbit Hole" that seems impossible to escape, and necessary for a lot of reasons.

But, this is also a "Rabbit Hole" that deserves to be addressed, especially with the approaching holidays when connection is integral.

So, why not make the journey of falling into the "Rabbit Hole" Worthwhile?

Why not make some simple changes that will benefit you, your relationship with your spouse, and your relationship with your children and friends?

Follow these simple steps and I assure you that your connection with your intimate relationships will improve, as well as your energy, and mood (since staring at screens often leaves us with foggy brains, sometimes headaches, and confuses our sleep cycle-especially if we look at our screens at bedtime). STEP 1: Create a commitment that when you and your loved ones are eating together, you put your phones away. This may mean you turn them on airplane mode, silence them, and put it in your back pocket, coat pocket, bag, back pack, or purse. Make a commitment to not look at them and instead HAVE A CONVERSATION.

STEP 2: Unplug! Leave your phones outside of your bedrooms for bed. Give your brain a rest! Research continues to suggest that when we have the light of our screens on during our sleep cycle (10p.m.-6 a.m.), it confuses our brains, and causes a lot of havoc mentally and physiologically.

STEP 3: Unplug as much as you can on the weekend. Do what you can to avoid falling into the "wonderland" of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. Be present in your relationships, go do an activity, read a book. This will begin to heal the Rabbit Hole of disconnection in your relationships.

By following these three simple steps, you and your loved ones will start to get out of the Rabbit Hole of being addicted to disconnection from reality, which in turn will increase connection on a deeper level with your outside world.

The holidays are around the corner making this "Rabbit Hole" tempting indeed, especially with all the stress that comes with connection to family, etc. Start now and make this "Rabbit Hole" experience a beautiful learning one by getting out of it.

And, always remember:

You are worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

CARI HAS A FEW MORE OPENINGS FOR HER HOLIDAY HEALTH CLASS THAT STARTS TONIGHT 11/9/15! $25 per class! Learn how and what to eat to increase your mental and physical energy over the holidays and improve your mood; how sleep is KEY in our health, stress, and with weight, and so much more! November and December! "Tis the Season the Be Healthy" Class with Cari Junge, Integrative Health Advisor. RSVP: cari@namasteadvice.com.

Contact info: NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

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