How Is Your Relationship "DNA"?

Have you ever considered that your intimate relationship has "DNA"? More specifically, that you have a relationship "attachment style" that may be similar to your personal attachment style developed from both childhood and adult life experiences? Take a moment to consider this: are you securely attached in your relationship, anxiously attached, or avoidant in your attachment to your partner? Maybe you are not familiar with the difference between the three.

Here are some basic distinctions between these attachment styles (adapted from the book Attached, 2010, by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin: New York, NY):

Secure: You find it relatively easy to get and be close to others, depend on them, and vice versa. You don't worry that you will be abandoned or whether or not someone is too close to you. You feel confident in your relationship and satisfied overall.

Avoidant (sometimes called Fearful Avoidant): You are uncomfortable being close to you partner and find it difficult to trust people completely. You have a hard time depending on others and feel nervous when people get too close to you. More often than not, your partner wants to be closer than you feel comfortable.

Anxious (sometimes called Preoccupied): You worry that your partner doesn't fully love you and notice that your partner tends to struggle to be as close as you would like. You find yourself preoccupied with wanting to merge completely with them which can scare people away at times. You are unhappy if you are alone and may find yourself constantly seeking a relationship. *To further explore your attachment style, you may want to consider looking reading literature such as the following referenced book, take and attachment quiz, etc.*

In their book, Attached (2010) A. Levine and R. Heller contend that there is a flawed premise related to adult attachment theory, specifically one that assumes that someone should control their emotional needs and soothe their own stress. However, research on attachment actually endorses the opposite.

Levine and Heller assert, "Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring our partner's psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until our partner does" (p. 20). This may be in the form of protest; children with anxious attachment styles tend to protest when away from their caregivers.

For years, popular psychology has encouraged men and women to seek independence in their relationship, all the while firmly establishing that something is wrong with a person for feeling needy and/or having a strong dependency on their partner.

Even the term "codependency", while initially developed to be used in relation to families of substance abusers, has become a generic term thrown around for everyone in relationship. This can be particularly damaging, as it presumes that depending on one's partner to fulfill various needs is unhealthy; therefore, boundaries need to be established to increase one's "sense of self" and one must find their happiness solely from within (p.25).

The reality is that we are wired for connection. It is human nature to want to be close to our partner just as we desired that from our primary caregiver(s). It is common to seek a secure base to help give our world meaning (p.30).

Research shows that once we choose to be in an intimate relationship, our physiology changes. "Once we choose a partner, there is no question whether dependency exists or not. It always does"(p.28).

When two people become a physiological unit, it is common to see this: When she/he reacts, the other partner in turn reacts; if she/he is upset, the other partner is likely also going to feel upset(p.28). This is normal!

Attachment theory further suggests that "...people are only as needy as their unmet needs" (p.21).

For individuals with unmet needs, it is common for them to either seek resolution with their partner in order to get their needs met (one way being to "protest"), or withdraw as part of their attachment style.

Likewise, if an individual is securely attached to their partner, they will likely find more satisfaction overall in their relationship. Levine and Heller assert, "It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on" (p. 29). This is good news, along with the fact that in time and with awareness, people can change their attachment style to feel more secure. In some cases, this may mean leaving one's current relationship and finding one that is more "secure" in it's DNA structure; however, this is not always the case. Every relationship is different.

This week, take some time to consider what your attachment style is; your relationship "DNA." See if your partner (if you are in a relationship) is willing to explore this with you. Trust that if there are some issues with your current DNA, with the appropriate education, awareness, and support you can strengthen your attachment to one another.

As always, please remember you are worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

November and December! "Tis the Season the Be Healthy" Class with Cari Junge, Integrative Health Advisor. Come learn how to have balance with food, exercise and rest so that you can take the holiday season in stride, and set some healthy goals for the new year! Cari will offer a monitored cleanse for folks interested and attending the class. RSVP: cari@namasteadvice.com.

Coming in the New Year! Couples Yoga Intensive with Namasté Founder Candice Christiansen and Master Yogi and owner of Mudita Be Joy Yoga Carrie Coppola. Increase your emotional and physical/sensual intimacy through breath, process and gentle movement with your partner (many poses will be done with the couple working together). Connect with your partner on a whole new sensual and intimate level!!

* As always, we have several mens and women's groups throughout the week as well as our Relationship Recovery Class this coming Tuesday, Oct 27 from 6-7:30 p.m. with Candice and Jenny Jo. Topic: Forgiveness as a value, along with how to be proactive instead of reactive in responding to issues. This will be an experiential class (be ready to participate)! RSVP admin@namasteadvice.com or just show up! $45 per person; $75 per couple.

Contact info NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Impermanence: Embracing Transitions

Last Thursday, I put my sweet dog to rest. He had survived for over a year with a massive inoperable tumor on his head, and was in obvious discomfort. When it ruptured, intellectually I knew it was time.

Yet, even with this knowing, my heart couldn't embrace the decision. I wanted to hold so tightly to the permanence of our life together over the past decade; cling to the known, even if we both were in pain; his from his tumor, mine from watching him struggle.

My inner child was out last Thursday; she held his little body like a tiny baby. He stayed physically close to her heart as she denied the inevitable transition that both he and she would soon encounter.

The transition was not a smooth one.

Are transitions ever really smooth? What would have made it smoother? If I wasn't in fear? Or if he wasn't in so much pain? If I wasn't holding so damn tight to him leaving me; to this inevitable transition?

Whatever the reason, the whole experience was beyond painful and hard to digest.

Pema Chodron, in her book Comfortable with Uncertainty (2002) says, "We know that all is impermanent; we know that everything wears out. Although we can buy this truth intellectually, emotionally we have a deep-rooted aversion to it(p.27)."

Intellectually I could handle it; it made sense. But emotionally, I was a mess. I felt I was crawling out of my skin; my heart hurt so bad in the middle of the night that I thought I was going to die. At one point I wondered if this huge transition would be the death of me. I couldn't figure out exactly why....

But the way Pema explains it offers some comfort. She says, "We want permanence; we expect permanence. Our natural tendency is to seek security; we believe we can find it."(p.27).

A decade ago, I thought I had found permanence in this beautiful, innocent, unconditionally loving little creature when I went through a huge personal life transition. He was my "transition object" during that time; a security blanket. I always knew that he would be with me.

But life doesn't work that way.

Change is the only constant and truly inevitable. Again, easy to swallow intellectually, but harder on an emotional and physiological level.

As Pema says, "We experience impermanence at the everyday level as frustration. We use our daily activity as a shield against the fundamental ambiguity of our situation, expending tremendous energy trying to ward off impermanence and death."

In Buddhist teaching, we are encouraged to be free from this limited way of viewing impermanence. We are reminded of the importance of relaxing "gradually and wholeheartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change"(Chodrin, 2002, p. 28).

By recognizing the truth of impermanence, we are not being pessimistic or negative. Pema says, "What it means is that we begin to understand that we're not the only one who can't keep it all together" (p.28).

We realize, in our moments of connecting to inevitable change, transitions, and impermanence that we are not alone. That together, we experience suffering, strife, and struggle. But we also experience pure joy, love, laughter, truth, humility (being beautifully humble), purpose, a sense of connection, compassion, divine wisdom, and strength.

How beautiful is that impermanence!

Since Thursday, I have spent time doing daily yoga with my dear friend and Master Yogi Carrie Coppola, who reminded me during one class when she read this same passage from Pema's work of the beauty of impermanence. I have also spent a lot more time being in silence, and embracing meditative practice. As a result,  I have been able to find moments where I can connect to my dog's spirit, his pure, joyful essence. I have been able to pause and reflect on the good times I had with him. I am more able this morning to envision him in pure love and health; free from suffering.

I realize that today is the beginning of the week (the often dreaded Monday), and that many, if not all of us are dealing with a full plate. Some of you may feel like your plate is full of fun and exciting things, while others may feel like your plate is full of heart-wrenching, potentially life changing stressful things (i.e., work/financial stress, addiction issues, relationship conflict, health issues; all of the above).

Whatever you are dealing with, as you walk through today's moment to moment changes and transitions, remember: YOU ARE TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Please also know that: The Divine in Me Honors the Divine in YOU.~Namasté,

Candice

Fall programming: WELCOME THE SEASON OF CHANGE!

FALL INTO HEALTH CLASS! Interested in learning how to take better care of your health; get your diet in alignment pre-holiday, learn how to get the most out of the food you eat and be in-health? Cari Junge, our Integrative Health Specialist, will be offering a health class this fall! Every Wed 7-8:30 p.m. for 8 weeks; $25 per class. (started Sept 9th, 2015); RSVP cari@namasteadvice.com;801-272-3500.

Thursdays, Rich has a new Men's Sexual/Relationship Recovery Group. Thursdays 4-6 p.m. $45 per group. 12-Week Commitment. On-going task group for men in recovery.

Candice, founder, and Carrie, Master Yogi are offering Mastering the Trauma Wound II to folks who have taken Mastering the Trauma Wound I with Candice. We will use the tools from Candice's workbook as we assist folks in settling into their bodies via yoga poses, breath work, meditationa and more. It will be truly transformative. $400 Special. One day only! Email Candice for date,time, details! candice@namasteadvice.com.

Welcome Jen Woj, LCSW to the Namasté team! Jen W is an LCSW, trauma therapist and Approved SOTP. We are thrilled to have her join our team. She will provide a second male SASOP™ group every Friday 9:30-11:30 a.m. starting this Friday, Sept 18th. $45 per group for Level II Sex Addicts. For details and attendance contact Candice @namasteadvice.com.

Contact info NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500 photo by pinterest.com

Are You in Love with an Addict? Why That is a "Good" Thing

Does your loved one's destructive behavior and continual lies make you feel like you are going crazy? Do you ask yourself daily, or multiple times daily, "Why on earth do I tolerate this person with this addiction?!"Do you feel confused when you experience moments with the addict where you feel joy and see glimmers of hope that things will get better? Sounds like you are in love with an addict.

And, although this might sound crazy, I think it is a "good" thing.

Read that last statement again if you need to and notice if you had a reaction to it. Did it make you cringe? If you are someone with an addiction, are you curious why I say that it is a good thing to be in love with you?

Well, it is. I am not saying it is good to be in love with the addiction. That is a different thing. After all, The person you love is NOT their addiction. The addiction; however, is definitely a huge part of their lives and their world; especially their body, mind, and spirit. Every aspect of a person's BEING gets taken over by the illusion of what drugs, alcohol, food, sex, work, financial addiction has to offer.

The "vice(s)" a person ends up using often becomes their reason; their excuse to repeatedly escape the feelings of loneliness, shame, sadness, guilt, pain-physical and/or emotional-etc. This desire to escape is not intentional; the brain's reward center kicks in with dopamine; the "gotta get it" neurotransmitter. The fix becomes more important than any relationship.

Relying on this "vice" gives someone who has a history of trauma, shame, depression, sadness, attachment issues, etc, or even curiosity or accident (i.e. porn addiction is impacting children as young as 8 years of age) a reason/excuse to hide from who they truly are- the person you love.

Being in love with an addict means that at some point in your relationship, you saw their potential, along with their talents, intuitiveness, sensitivity, and brilliance. Many times, and understandably so, loved ones forget about these positive attributes, especially as they endure years of lies, deception, betrayal, and pain.

I am not saying that because you have seen who this person really is-the "good" in them-that you should stay with them at all costs. It is crucial that partners, spouses, children, loved ones, do what they need to do in order to get/stay healthy, especially since we know that with addiction, the entire family system gets sick. For some, this may mean walking away from the relationship for awhile or forever. However, even if you walk away, it is still ok to love the person in their addiction.

Having healthy boundaries is a strong sign of loving the addict, and it may also feel really foreign. After all, you have probably found yourself enabling them out of fear that they might leave you or even die if you didn't.

Setting boundaries can be the biggest form of telling your loved one just how much you care about them. Boundaries mean that because you love this person so much, you are drawing a line in the sand to assist them in getting help, not in dying.

An example of a boundary is to no longer give your family member money, or monitoring their accounts, especially if you know they use it to buy drugs, alcohol, sex, gamble, etc. This may feel like policing, however, in the beginning of recovery, this behavioral boundary may prove effective. If the person with the addiction wants recovery, they will likely be open to this type of boundary. After all, it will assist them in being more honest and accountable.

Another way to show that you love your partner via boundaries is to do things for your own recovery. For example, attending therapy and joining a support group. This is a form of influence, not control, and a healthy way of showing your loved one that you too are learning new ways of coping with the addiction.

A third boundary may be to limit contact with the person if they are using. If you live with them, limiting contact to a minimum; letting them know you are doing this is key as to not create more conflict than is already in the space.

Finally, and as previously mentioned, leaving for a short while or forever may be the ultimate boundary you practice which may need to be done as a sign of self love as well as loving them. If the relationship gets too toxic and the person with the addiction refuses help, leaving may be the ultimate boundary and act of self and other love.

It is ok to love someone who has an addiction; in fact, I think it is a "good" thing. Demonstrating your love by setting healthy boundaries is a beautiful way to take care of your own needs while insulating you from further pain caused by the addiction.

Remember, life is too short to sweat the small stuff-- YOU ARE WORTH YOUR RECOVERY!

Namasté,

Candice

Fall programming (details to come):

Interested in learning how to take care of your health? Cari Junge, our Integrative Health Specialist, will be offering a health class this fall!

More groups for men! In September, Rich will begin a new men's Sexual Recovery Group. We are also exploring a male partner support group.

Candice and Carrie have moved the Mastering the Trauma Wound II to September.

Stay tuned! A lot of great stuff happening at Namasté!

Contact info NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Trauma: Not a Life Sentence; An Opening

In his famous book Waking the Tiger (1997), Peter A. Levine explains trauma as becoming so commonplace that most people don't even recognize it when it happens. This makes sense, especially since we see traumatic events and occurrences multiple times daily on t.v., in social media (FB, Twitter, etc). These include articles, images, discussions of shootings, violence, killing, abuse, betrayal, etc. Whether or not it is our own personal experience, we are exposed to trauma everywhere we turn.

If we are experiencing/dealing with something traumatic in our own lives, being surrounded by trauma (via television, the news, and social media) can be especially overwhelming.

This impacts us on a cellular level. Our body feels it; the clenching of our jaw, the increase in our heart rate, the tension in our shoulders. We may not be aware of how much we carry trauma with us; but it is aware of us. It creeps in slowly, waiting for the perfect moment to steal our joy.

For those of us that have survived various forms of trauma (that is everyone, by the way), symptoms can remain hidden in our minds and bodies for years; rearing their heads when triggered by something simple such as certain words that are spoken, a smell, a sound, a nightmare (or dream), even hearing of someone else's life struggles.

As Levine explains, "Both the causes and symptoms of trauma are incredibly vast and diverse...Today, it is understood that trauma is a common occurrence that can be caused by seemingly benign events (p. 42).

Levine gives the example of a person who has surgery for something that is viewed as necessary. Even though they are unconscious as the surgeon is cutting into their flesh and bone, their body registers this as a "life-threatening" event. It perceives danger at the cellular level. So while intellectually we understand the surgery is not life-threatening; to our bodies, it is in mortal danger and hence why surgery can cause Post Trauma Stress (p.54).

Betrayal from a spouse who has acted out in their addiction causes trauma. Research indicates that being told of the betrayal in detail and in a "staggered" way (i.e., every time the addict acts out) can actually elicit symptoms of PTSD in the partner.

For the addict, abusing substances can be extremely traumatic for the body. Putting one in harms way via their addiction can also create multiple traumas (whether it is via a toxic relationship, unprotected sex, over-eating with unhealthy food, being addicted to work at the expense of one's life, money-spending excessively or controlling excessively; and/or substance abuse).

Especially when it compromises someone's ability to make healthy decisions (for instance, getting drunk with someone you meet at a bar, going home with them in a black out and being a victim of rape).

I realize all of this sounds awfully depressing. But the AMAZING news is that trauma does not have to be a LIFE SENTENCE. We can heal from trauma, along with being pro-active to protect ourselves from being traumatized in our day to day.

The question is HOW?

• Avoid social media/tv; limit your viewing, especially before bed. Viewing social media before bed can impact getting a restful sleep

• Surround yourself with people who support you

• Get in RECOVERY TODAY!

• Talk to a professional! Work with someone who specializes in trauma (and whatever else you are dealing with, i.e., addiction or a spouse's addiction)Learn how to self-regulate (window of tolerance)

• Get connected to your body via yoga (best way to re-connect and heal trauma!!), exercise, walking

• Get a pet or love on your pet daily; animals are incredibly healing! Self care-get a healthy massage, pedicure, REST, play (in healthy ways!)

• The only way we can fully heal our bodies, minds and spirits, is by addressing recovery on all of these levels.

• It is in this way that we free ourselves from the illusive prison we are in and find an opening to WHO WE TRULY ARE.

As always, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Finding The Courage To Heal

David Whyte's poetic description about living and longing  exemplifies tremendous courage.

To be able to be so vulnerable and bold as to melt into the "fierce heat" of your own life, while falling toward the core of what you long for, dream of, wish for-being who you truly are- Now that is courageous!

It makes sense then, with how fierce and powerful courageous acts really are, that the word courage comes from the Latin word "Coeur", which has evolved into meaning, "To tell the story of who you are with your whole heart" (Brené Brown, 2010). As Brené Brown explains in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, "The root word courage is cor-the Latin word for heart" (p.12).

Brené shares, "Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today's world, that's pretty extraordinary"(p.13). She adds, "When we pay attention, we see courage every day."

Sometimes, we take for granted how often we each act from the heart in our day to day lives. We may be so caught up in getting out of bed in the morning, trying to avoid cravings, longing, pain, sadness, sorrow, suicidal thoughts, that we forget that "waking up" each day is hugely courageous.

Over the past two weeks, I have been a humble witness to some tremendous acts of courage. At my recent Mastering the Trauma Wound Workshop, I witnessed 8 courageous men and women dive deep into their trauma wounds, swimming inside it's pain stained walls and crevices, only to come out the other end lighter, brighter, and more tender hearted towards themselves and others. The balloons, pictured below were part of the workshop; each person wrote what they wanted to release and/or create on the balloon at the end and they set it free. Another act of tremendous courage.

This past Monday, I once again was a humble witness as 5 courageous men in recovery from multiple addictions and trauma participated in our first Yoga for Recovery™ class for men at Namaste Center for Healing.

I can only imagine how much courage it took for these men to be able to be with themselves in their bodies on a mat, in a room with other men, moving their bodies in different asanas (yoga poses) while trying to stay present to all the sensations. That is an incredible act of love,trust, vulnerability and courage.

My job blesses me with the ability to see acts of "melting into the fierce heat" of life that courage demands of men and women who show up for themselves every day in recovery.

Recovery from anything, especially an addiction(s) is truly an act of daily courage that requires an inner determination to heal ones' past and present trauma so that they can live whole-heartedly in mind, body, and spirit.

Take a moment to notice how much courage you have every single day. See if you can notice it in others as well. When do you operate from your heart vs. your ego? Can you let yourself be uncomfortable in your healing process yet continue to move through the "fierce heat" that life serves us at times?

In case you forgot, or aren't feeling courageous, know that you are, and remember:

YOU ARE ALSO WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice CHECK OUT WHAT IS GOING ON AT NAMASTE!

HEALTHY BODY! Cari Junge,our Integrative Health Advisor, offers health assessments (including labs and review), consultations, guidance, and support for folks interested in improving their physical health from a wellness (not disease) model. Cari's intro class is: Wed June 17th from 6-7:30 p.m. she will offer an intro class to discuss healing the body from a wellness perspective, Namasté style. $20 per person; $35 per couple.

YOGA For WOMEN: Featuring Master Yogi Carrie Coppola: Mondays in July, 7-8:15 p.m. We provide the mat, etc. Bring a Journal. $40/class for 4 classes.

Contact info or to RSVP: admin@NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500