Have you felt afraid lately? Tense, on edge, scared? I admit that I have felt an immense amount of fear over the past week. The world, after all, seems so uncertain. The news doesn't help either; it is also extremely unsettling. Life at times looks really dangerous, doesn't it? So many shootings, drownings, accidents, illnesses, natural disasters. People are dying every second. The list seems pretty dismal, especially when reviewing my list of sheer tragedies. But what about those that recently lost a job, or are facing a decision about whether or not they should stay in their relationship? What about the day to day life experiences that we each face? Can those feel just as scary?
It has been an awe-inspiring past few weeks. I had the wonderful opportunity to host and present on Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Abuse at the Utah Women's Birth Circle, facilitated by the amazing massage therapist and healer Monica Faux-Kota.
I started writing my blog this morning thinking that I could write about vulnerability from a space where I wouldn't have to be vulnerable. After I realized how impossible that would be for me, I laughed out loud at myself. I know that when I retreat to a space inside of me where I am surrounded by walls, my mind goes blank. I disconnect from my truth. I quickly decided that it is best to stay connected with my vulnerability as I write this week's recovery blog.
I recently gave a tour of our program, Namasté Center for Healing, to some colleagues. One of the questions I was asked was, "Why do you do this work?" My initial thought was, "What a loaded question." In the past, I had given a more impersonal reason for why I do what I do. I would tell the story of a time when I was in undergraduate school at Westminster College when I wanted to be an attorney (true story). I was told by a much older male professor of mine that I was not cut out for law (how he knew that I don't know, as we had just met). At the time, I didn't have enough self confidence, self trust, or self esteem to continue to pursue a law degree....
Whenever I travel, specifically, when the plane is getting ready to take off, I put in my earphones and play Adele's "Skyfall" song. Some may think this is a morbid song to listen to at take off; after all, it begins with " This is the end....hold your breath and count to ten, feel the earth move and then... feel my heart burst again..." But, for me, it is just the opposite.This last time traveling, as we began taxiing down the runway, I put in my earphones, turned on "Skyfall", and a recent memory came to mind. It was so vivid, I cried...
