You Are Safe: Can You Let Yourself Believe It?

Have you felt afraid lately? Tense, on edge, scared? I admit that I have felt an immense amount of fear over the past week. The world, after all, seems so uncertain. The news doesn't help either; it is also extremely unsettling. Life at times looks really dangerous, doesn't it? So many shootings, drownings, accidents, illnesses, natural disasters. People are dying every second. The list seems pretty dismal, especially when reviewing my list of sheer tragedies. But what about those that recently lost a job, or are facing a decision about whether or not they should stay in their relationship? What about the day to day life experiences that we each face? Can those feel just as scary?

As I prepare for my next Mastering the Trauma Wound Weekend Workshop, I realize, as is the case every time I facilitate this particular workshop, that similar to any trauma survivor, my own memories always arise. It is like dust getting kicked up in a windstorm. Sometimes the dust blinds me from seeing clearly; hence my fear lately. Thankfully, I have my own tools and resources to help me get back on track when I wander into my past.

I am reading The Body Keeps the Score (2014) by the brilliant Bessel Van Der kolk, M.D. In it he explains, "As long as trauma is not resolved....emotional responses keep getting replayed...Flashbacks and reliving are in some ways worse than the trauma itself" (p.66).

He adds, "People who suffer from flashbacks often organize their lives around trying to protect against them. They may compulsively go to the gym...numb themselves with drugs [or via other addictions], or try to cultivate an illusory sense of control in highly dangerous situations" (p.67).

As a result of the chronic illusory battle that goes on within a survivor of trauma, one tends to get exhausted and worn down in their day to day life. After all, constant and intense emotions can break down the physical body. We cannot emotionally or physically sustain in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and in some cases, even panic.

If I have felt a lot of fear lately, I am guessing that others have as well. Isn't there a sense of ease and comfort in knowing that there are other trauma survivors out there whose fear gets kicked up at times, even when it is only an illusion of a storm and not reality? Knowing there are others walking (or running) through the dust storm, fighting their way through life's confusion, is indeed a relief.

As the distinguished emeritus professor of child psychology at Harvard, Jerome Kagan, once said to the Dalai Lama, "for every act of cruelty in this world there are hundreds of small acts of kindness and connection" (in The Body Keeps the Score, p. 79). He concluded:"Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health" (p. 79).Is this truly possible? To feel safe around other people? Especially if one has endured trauma as a result of other people's actions?

To get to a place where you can fully believe the statement that YOU ARE SAFE takes some practice. However, it is definitely possible. It starts within.

One of the support tools I offer is called the Safety Affirmation: "I am safe, I am ok, this is just sensation." Saying this repeatedly to oneself throughout the day can create a sense of internal ease. This is a great tool for folks who have a tendency, based on past trauma, to be hyper-aroused in their regular lives.

Van Der kolk also encourages that folks learn to befriend their bodies (p.100). He says, "The bodies of child-abuse victims are tense and defensive until they find a way to relax and feel safe...Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past"(p. 100,101).

Sit with this statement for a moment: "You are safe." Then, say to yourself: "I AM safe."

Do you believe these statements? Why or why not? Which one feels truer? Is there a clear reason why you are not safe (if you feel unsafe)? How much of what you feel is from past trauma (i.e. the body remembering)? Or are you unsure (which is ok)? In what ways are you or aren't you safe? For instance, are you emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, sexually safe? How so or how are you not? It may be helpful to journal your responses (or mentally note them to share with a safe person).

Some tools for learning how to feel safe include: Containing challenging emotions (safe container), imagining a safe state or a safe place, deep breathing, counting with inhale/exhale, yoga, exercise; drawing, writing, creating spit in your mouth (which awakens the "Rest/Digest" part of the brain), even smiling. These tools will assist you in beginning to experience a sense of safety and comfort in your body, especially when triggered by a flashback. Letting yourself feel safe when you are safe is key.

Please always remember:

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice CHECK OUT WHAT IS GOING ON AT NAMASTE!

OUR 4TH MEN'S HEALTHY SEXUALITY GROUP: Mondays, 5-7 p.m. $45 per group; 12-Week Series.

MASTERING THE TRAUMA WOUND WEEKEND Workshop (Part 1) 2-Day Intensive May 30, 31. THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Payment plans available. Only 4 seats left! If you have experienced ANY trauma in your life and are ready to take your healingto the next level, sign up today! candice@namasteadvice.com.

YOGA FOR RECOVERY FOR MEN is every Monday in June from 7-8:15 p.m. with Carrie Coppola, yogi and healer (owner of Mudita; bajoyyoga.com). $40 per class/4 week commitment required.

HEALTHY BODY! Cari Junge, our fabulous Program Manager, is also now our Integrative Health Advisor. She will be offering health assessments, treatment plans, etc for folks in need of getting support for their physical health needs. She will offer a one night introductory class the first of June to share her wisdom about healing the body. Stay tuned for dates!

Contact info: CANDICE@NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Temptation: Another Great Teacher

It has been an awe-inspiring past few weeks. I had the wonderful opportunity to host and present on Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Abuse at the Utah Women's Birth Circle, facilitated by the amazing massage therapist and healer Monica Faux-Kota.

I was also invited to a Professional's Weekend at The Ranch in Nunley, Tennessee. The Ranch is an Elements Behavioral Health Program that resides on 2400 Acres of land. They have a variety of houses and programs for adult men women with trauma, intimacy disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders. A magical place; the experience was life-changing.

Both experiences, from presenting to doulas and mid-wives one weekend to having the experience of being a "client" at The Ranch the next, inspired me to take a deeper look at some components of myself and the work I do with men and women with trauma and addiction issues.

When you think about the word "temptation", think about all the things in your daily life that are tempting. For instance, tv, cell phone, social media( i.e., Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google +, Pinterest, Instagram,etc), drama, adrenaline (i.e., adrenaline junky), videogames, money, spending money, food (sugar), exercise.

And what about the "not so acceptable" addictions such as porn? Sex with prostitutes, massage parlors, strip clubs? How about being addicted to a relationship, or to a person at your and your relationship's expense? Being a stripper, prostitute, escort? Voyeuring, exhibitionism? How about abusing substances: Meth, cocaine, alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, marijuana (yes it can still be abused), heroine (oxycontin~the legal version of heroin), "K", etc?

That is a lot of temptation. I am pretty sure that everyone that reads this can find something on this list in which they are addicted.

Ask yourself this very important question: WHY ARE YOU ADDICTED?

Why is the temptation to have or use something so strong that you believe that without it, your heart will explode out of your chest and you will die?

The answer is that we are tempted by things that give us an escape from discomfort. It ALWAYS comes down to this. When drug addicts try to argue with me that they solely use for the high, I chuckle. If that was really the case, we would all be drug addicts.

The brilliant physician Gabor Maté speaks to this: addiction is an escape; a coping skill that people use to alleviate the dis-ease and tremendous discomfort they feel inside (IITAP Symposium 2015). With intimacy issues, especially when it becomes disordered, it is about unresolved attachment failure and trauma (chronic "little" trauma, and/or a big trauma). Most of these traumatic events that end up haunting people happen between the ages zero to 18.

Going back to the past few weekends, the first one being public speaking, I always get nervous. Always. But, I have internalized the belief that it is ok for me to feel the fear and do it anyway. So I speak in public and on tv often regardless of how shaky or nervous I get.

At The Ranch, I took part in a Native American ceremony called a Sweat Lodge which is a ceremony of "sitting in the heat" (literally) to release that which no longer serves and birth one's new self. This might sound beautiful; however, I really dreaded it. I considered it a scary and claustrophobia inducing experience. Twenty plus people sitting together in a pitch dark teepee sweating like crazy from heat didn't sound appealing. The temptation to run from this experience was incredibly strong; so great, that before the trip I had emailed one of the facilitators asking if it was "required." I even plotted my list of excuses as to why I wouldn't be able to attend.

With compassion, I am now able to laugh at myself about my attempts at escaping something that felt scary but in the long run was truly life-changing. It is like recovery from anything, and we are all in recovery from something. The hardest thing is getting used to facing what we have spent years running from. However, once we start to open the compartments and deal with the secrets, shame, pain, trauma, heartache, sorrow, etc. in a healthy way, we begin to feel lighter.

Facing my fear of avoiding something physically painful like a sweat lodge was a huge feat that took great courage on my part. It made jumping off a 75 foot Dam the next day seem easy (pictured above). I indeed felt lighter; I felt free.

As you move into the weekend, reflect on your past week. Was it stressful? Or was it stress-free? Did you find yourself wanting to give into the temptation to use an unhealthy coping skill either to escape or because your "addict" said, "I had a great week so I deserve this"? What can you learn from the temptation you may be feeling?

Remember, if you allow your vices to be a teacher, instead of taunt and trap you in unhealthy patterns of living, in time and with much practice (and structure and support) you will realize that what you have been running from is not the enemy. It, like temptation is a teacher.

As Always, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice LOOK WHAT IS COMING TO NAMASTE!

MEN'S HEALTHY SEXUALITY GROUP: We are excited to have this be our 4th on-going men's group.Starts Monday May 4th, 5-7 p.m. 3 Seats left! $45 per group; 12-Week Series.

90 DAY BI-WEEKLY PARTNER GROUP FOR WOMEN WITH JILL: Starts MAY 14, 6-8 p.m. $45 per group. 6 group commitment.

Candice's Mastering the Trauma Wound Workshop (Part 1) 2-Day Intensive May 30, 31. We will use my workbook Mastering the Trauma Wound as our guide (included in the cost). If you want or need a tune up and want to come for a repeat of this workshop(every time is different, or if you have never experienced this life-changing weekend and feel it calling to you: email Candice (email below).Look of the upcoming flyer for details.

Part II day-long Advanced Mastering the Trauma Wound Workshop with Candice and Carrie Coppola will be in June! Pre-requisite: Complete Part I weekend. Stay tuned for details!

Yoga For Recovery Coming June (for men), July (for women), August (for partners of addicts and trauma survivors) with Carrie Coppola, Owner of Mudita (Be Joy) Yoga. www.bejoyyoga.com. Stay tuned for details! Email Candice for information if you want info before the flyer is posted.

Contact info: CANDICE@NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Vulnerability: Your Birthplace

I started writing my blog this morning thinking that I could write about vulnerability from a space where I wouldn't have to be vulnerable. After I realized how impossible that would be for me, I laughed out loud at myself. I know that when I retreat to a space inside of me where I am surrounded by walls, my mind goes blank. I disconnect from my truth. I quickly decided that it is best to stay connected with my vulnerability as I write this week's recovery blog.

I have been listening to Brené Brown a lot lately about shame and vulnerability. If you don't know who Brené Brown is, go to youtube and watch her. She is the leading expert on shame resiliency in the country. One of her famous sayings is

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of everything we hunger for."(www.own.com)

So true, and yet we are taught from a very young age, via witnessing, sensing, hearing, and experiencing, that vulnerability is a weakness. It is dangerous. We will get hurt if we are vulnerable.

We learn to fear vulnerability, and yet, regardless of how hard we try to push vulnerability away, we experience it every day. No matter how hard we try to hide it, avoid it, run screaming from it, it is a part of us. Vulnerability is an integral part of who we are.

Brené Brown explains that:"Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity, innovation, change."

How is this possible?

How is it possible that feeling so exposed and raw in the world can be a birth place of creativity, innovation, and change?

For those of you that are or ever have been in recovery from a physical illness, mental dis-ease, any addiction, a death, divorce, separation, a loss, etc, you can likely relate.

Being vulnerable takes an enormous amount of courage. It gives us a beautiful opportunity to open our hearts to something bigger.

Vulnerability is the essence of truth.

At the end of the day, being vulnerable doesn't allow us to escape into ourselves. It holds our hand while it reminds us that in our perfect imperfections we are possible. We can be, do, and have whatever we want if we open to all that we are.

This week, please remember that as you connect with your vulnerability, your courage to heal can birth something new. Remember that you are loved, you are possible, and as always

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

LOOK WHAT IS COMING TO NAMASTE!

PARTNER WORKSHOP:Saturday, April 25th, with Jill and Jenny Jo! 2 Seats left. $50 deposit. $200 for 4 hours.

MEN'S HEALTHY SEXUALITY GROUP: We are excited to have this be our 4th on-going men's group.Starts Monday May 4th, 5-7 p.m. 4 Seats left! $45 per group; 12-Week Series (4 modules, on-going).

90 DAY BI-WEEKLY PARTNER GROUP FOR WOMEN WITH JILL: Starts MAY 14, 6-8 p.m. $45 per group. 6 group commitment.

RSVP: CANDICE@NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

What is Your "Why"?

I recently gave a tour of our program, Namasté Center for Healing, to some colleagues. One of the questions I was asked was, "Why do you do this work?" My initial thought was, "What a loaded question." In the past, I had given a more impersonal reason for why I do what I do. I would tell the story of a time when I was in undergraduate school at Westminster College when I wanted to be an attorney (true story). I was told by a much older male professor of mine that I was not cut out for law (how he knew that I don't know, as we had just met). At the time, I didn't have enough self confidence, self trust, or self esteem to continue to pursue a law degree....

Turns out that my professor was right for reasons that neither he nor I knew at the time.

My "Why" became crystal clear during the time that I had the honor of being my mom's primary caregiver; although admittedly, at the time, I didn't feel honored. It was 2012 and she was hospitalized and diagnosed with "wet brain" from chronic alcoholism. I was shocked as I thought she had quit drinking several years prior. She had suffered multiple strokes, and was given a final diagnosis of dementia. She was 64 years old at the time. I was devastated.

By February 2012, the day of my birthday, I placed her in a memory care unit in a nursing home. She was the youngest woman there. I would visit her three times per week and we would walk up and down the small narrow hallway (pictured above).

That is when my "Why" began to unfold.

At first, my "why" came out of fear. I thought to myself, "I don't want to be 64 years old walking up and down a locked unit not knowing who I am or where I am."

But over the next two years, my real "Why" shone through the illusive darkness of my mom's illness.

My mom had moments of clarity where she would talk openly about her life. Her friends started to visit and talked about her past, including my dad, who had been divorced from her for years. I learned a lot about this beautiful, complicated woman.

I knew my mom was an alcoholic but I didn't know she was a sex and love addict. By the time she passed away in 2014, from what I could gather, she indeed had an intimacy disorder. I always knew my mom was a wounded soul; a survivor no doubt, but wounded indeed.

By putting the puzzle pieces together that my mom was also likely a sex and love addict made sense to me on multiple levels.

During the last Trauma Wound workshop I facilitated last September, the puzzle continued to come together. As I was driving home after the first evening of the workshop, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on the radio.

In that moment, it dawned on me... I would not be able to offer so many people daily hope and inspiration if I hadn't survived my own trauma, and if I hadn't lived with a sex and love addict (and alcoholic) my whole life.

My "Why" finally became clear. My "Why?" Because,

EVERYONE DESERVES TO HEAL.

My abusers deserve to heal. She deserved to heal. I deserve to heal. You who are reading this deserve to heal. We ALL deserve to heal so that we can live  amazingly beautiful lives free from suffering!

Part of my "why" on this earth is to create the most beautiful healing experience for people so that each and every person can re-connect to who they truly are; so that they can live whole-heartedly, mind body and spirit; free of shame, guilt, despair. We all deserve that!

We all must know our "WHY"; we must know why we use in our addictions or deprive ourselves in our anorexias (we all have one or the other, or both). And just as we must know our "Why" with the vices we use, we must absolutely know our true purpose in life; our mission and vision. Our true WHY.

You may be thinking you don't have a "Why"; that you don't have a purpose. But I promise you, you do. Trust that you do. You may not know right this very moment, but as you continue on your journey, no matter what it is, it will become clear. Let those that have walked the path be your guide as you find your way; as your "Why" unfolds. Trust that you too will eventually know what your "Why" is. That is all that matters... trusting that your "Why" is out there waiting for you to embrace it.

And, just in case you forget along the way, please don't forget, that you are SO WORTH IT. Every moment, every day. And, I believe in you.

Namasté,

Candice

CALLING ALL PARTNERS!  April 25th from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. will be a Life Changing Partner Workshop for individuals who've lived with a spouse with infidelity or sexual addiction (or both). Investment is $200; $50 deposit holds your spot! RSVP 801-272-3500 or  jill@namasteadvice.com.

You Are Possible

Whenever I travel, specifically, when the plane is getting ready to take off, I put in my earphones and play Adele's "Skyfall" song. Some may think this is a morbid song to listen to at take off; after all, it begins with " This is the end....hold your breath and count to ten, feel the earth move and then... feel my heart burst again..." But, for me, it is just the opposite.This last time traveling, as we began taxiing down the runway,  I put in my earphones, turned on "Skyfall",  and a recent memory came to mind. It was so vivid, I cried...

My dad recently came to see my office for the first time in 5 years. The last time he came to see where I worked, I worked for someone else. So the day he came to see what I have created was a big deal. As we stood in one of the group rooms looking out onto the Wasatch Front, he smiled and said, "So, do you ever let yourself enjoy how far you've come?" I wasn't sure I heard him, so I asked him, "What was that?" He repeated his question.

In that moment of understanding what he had asked me, I was overwhelmed by emotion. I burst into tears and began to sob. In a shaky and emotional tone, I said, "I just want to say that it means the world to me that you came to see my office." I repeated this statement over and over as I cried uncontrollably, looking down at the floor, like a nervous little girl.

My dad reached out and hugged me as he does, reminding me that I created something really beautiful by believing in myself. He reminded me that he too believes in me and always has.

HE ALWAYS HAS.

But the story I created in my head all these years was he didn't believe in me, so I had to work extra hard to get him to see how special I was. This was an illusive storyline created when I was a very little girl; I could see in that moment that it was not serving me to continue believing it. Instead, it had caused me to work way too hard all these years, and not let my inner child play enough. As my plane began to take flight, the song continued and my favorite part, the chorus, came on:

"When the sky falls, and it crumbles, we will stand tall and face it all...together... Sky fall is where we start...as worlds collide...where you go I go, what you see I see."

I realize people may interpret this song very differently than I do; however, for me, it is always a beautiful reminder that no matter what, no matter if, like in the children's book "Chicken Little" or Adele's song, if the sky (our world) appears to be falling via losing a job, financial strain, addiction, a death, divorce, conflict, depression/anxiety/other emotional struggles,

WE ARE ALL POSSIBLE, MEANING, WE ALL HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO CREATE BEAUTIFUL THINGS OUT OF OUR LIVES.

We just forget sometimes as we each get scared, as our little girl or little boy inside comes out to remind us of something from our past that is unresolved and needs tending to. The beauty in all of this is when we get the opportunity, or rather, let ourselves have the opportunity to connect with our loved ones in a way where we can be reminded of our potential for greatness, WE SHINE.

As the weekend nears, let yourself reflect on the ways in which you have bought into a story about yourself and others that isn't real. Let yourself see if you can connect, or reconnect with this idea that you are possible. You are creating a beautiful life for yourself, even if you are embarking on a new journey.

Let yourself STAND TALL and know that YOU CAN FACE IT ALL with the support of people you trust, whether that is a spouse or partner, family member, friend, support group.

And as always, in case you forget,  please trust that  YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Namasté,

Candice

We have a couple seats left for our Partner Workshop! Join Jill and Jenny Jo on April 25th from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. for a Life Changing Partner Workshop for individuals who've lived with a spouse with infidelity or sexual addiction (or both). Investment is $200; $50 deposit holds your spot! Space is limited so reach out to us today! 801-272-3500; candice@namasteadvice.com.