Untether Your Anger: Free Yourself From Your Own Poison

It is not a surprise that I talk about addiction as much as I do. When you treat it day in and day out, one can't help but have it on their mind most of the time.

The interesting thing about addiction is that it really is a coping skill. I am not saying that as an excuse; it just is.

People, based on a variety of factors (internal and external), attach to an object. This object may be drugs, alcohol (or both), sex, work, spending, shopping, compulsive dating, falling in love repeatedly, or obsessing over one person; losing weight, gaining weight (or muscle), compulsively exercising, all of the above, etc.

Whatever the vice, there is always an underlying cause. In order to heal, we have to dive deeper than the vice: deeper than sex, or drugs, or spending, etc.

After all, the vice is the cancer that lives inside of folks. In recovery, we have to find the origin, and learn new and lasting techniques to recover forever.

Otherwise, we continue to risk losing everything; including our lives even more so than we already have.

At Namasté,we work with both male and females struggling to recover from long-term additions, as well as their partners and spouses. We find that all of them have some form of trauma; the addicts often have it in their past while their partners have undue trauma as a result of being betrayed, lied to, abused emotionally (and in other ways), and continually deceived.

One form of trauma that gets unduly inflicted on partners is an addict's anger.

When we are working with individuals with sexual addiction, we often see that they sexualize their anger. This is called Eroticized Rage. Individuals, in an attempt to master their anger at another, will may times use power and control, revenge, or other perverse means to create a sense of "equalling the playing field" when they are upset. A primary trigger for a lot of folks (besides their families of origin) is their partner, who often experiences the brunt of their eroticized rage.

For instance, if an individual feels unresolved angry, they may act it out sexually via porn, hook ups, one night stands, compulsive masturbation, or other sexual acts (some more perverse and deviant than others). Some may look at porn on their spouses phone, or have one night stands in places where they shared loving memories with their partners. Whatever the case may be, eroticized rage is not only hurtful and at times exploitive, it can also have damaging effects on a relationship.

Bill had a lot of unresolved anger at his mother for never protecting him from his abusive father. As a child, he felt like he was left to fend for himself. When he was old enough to ask his mom to protect him from his father's emotional and physical explosions, she said, "What am I supposed to do? You got yourself into this."

As an adult, Bill saw women as objects and used them for sex. He was rather dismissive of them after they gave him sexual pleasure.

When he finally married, he was overly critical of his wife and continued living a double life with one night stands. If he didn't feel his wife was being supported of him or listening, he would snap. Instead of telling her how he felt in a healthy way, he would create a fight then escape via chatrooms and one night stands for a false sense of validation.

It wasn't until Bill was in therapy that he was able to identify how angry he was at his mother for abandoning him in his greatest time of need. He realized that a lot of his anger also aimed at his father for being abusive, but because he didn't feel safe to express it to either parent, he projected it onto women in general by using them for sex, and ultimately his wife.

In therapy, he learned how to self soothe in a healthy way when angry, sad, or feeling helpless, as well as how to effectively communicate his needs to his wife. This along with him being accountable for his anger outbursts and committing to timing out when he was mad, led to an increased level of non-sexual intimacy in he and his wife's relationship.

Anger is a natural emotion that is often misunderstood, avoided, misused, or mishandled. Some people get addicted to feeling intense anger, and as a result, destroy a lot of their close relationships.

If you can relate to any of this, know that there is hope; you can change.

This week, take some time to notice if you are tethered in your anger. Is it a poison that you find yourself drinking? Are you punishing yourself and your loved ones by acting out aggressively, sexually, (both) in an attempt to master unresolved pain or discomfort?

If so, talk to a safe person, a friend, your group, your sponsor, a safe family member, and/or therapist to learn ways to deal with your anger more effectively. While it is a natural emotion that we all have, it doesn't have to be poisonous.

Remember, even with all your feelings, from the most challenging ones to those that bring you peace: YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Join Jenny Jo and Jill on April 25th from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. for a Life Changing Partner Workshop for individuals who've lived with a spouse with infidelity or sexual addiction (or both). Investment is $200; $50 deposit holds your spot! Space is limited so reach out to us today! 801-272-3500; candice@namasteadvice.com.

Expectation: Is It The Root of All Heartache?

People have expectations every single day. They have the expectation that they will get up in the morning, follow their daily routine without thinking much about it, go to work in some fashion (even if work is staying home with the kids; which is a 24/7 job). People also have a lot of expectations of their loved ones. Most people don't realize that by having certain expectations, especially of their intimate partner, they create their own heartache.

This can be a very difficult concept to both grasp and accept; after all, many people unintentionally and unknowingly project their inner most pain and suffering (often from their past) onto their loved ones.

In his famous book, The Path to Love (1997), Deepak Chopra suggests, "Words become more personal the more emotional they are." He adds, " Since 'I Love You' is the most emotional phrase in our language, it includes many feelings that you might never openly refer to, particularly the painful ones (p.117).

So many expectations come from those 3 simple (and yet not so simple) words: "I love you." The expectation that our loved one won't hurt or betray us, that they will never leave; that they will always be by our side to protect and support us.

Thus, our expectations often lead to projection; projecting what is unresolved in our past onto our partners in our current life.

As Deepak asserts, "false love operates by projection, displacing your own feelings upon another" (p. 120). He adds, "Projection always hides a feeling you don't want to look at" (p.121).

Many people's expectations and projections get manifested by way of control. For instance, trying to control their partner's every move, thoughts, even feelings, out of fear that if they don't control them, they may lose them (literally and even figuratively).

A caveat to this is that sometimes, because one's spouse has an addiction to something or someone (a substance or a process-food, sex, work, money), a partner may try to control their actions, thoughts, and feelings out of intense fear of continual hurt and betrayal.

Research shows that this is often a byproduct of them feeling hugely betrayed; trust is completely gone. Partners of sex addicts, for instance, show signs of Post Traumatic Stress as a result of the perpetual lies, deceit, and betrayal.

I am not saying that it is not ok or even normal to have expectations. What I am saying is that if our expectation is for our partner to fulfill what is unresolved in us based on our past, we are setting both them and ourselves up for failure.

If you take a minute and examine a negative trait that you believe is in your partner, you will likely find that trait inside of you as well. The more you deny it, the more you will project it onto your partner. The more expectations you have related to your partner changing this trait, the more you will find yourself in suffering and heartache.

What is the lesson here? Yes, have expectations. However, keep them realistic of both yourself and other people. Look at your own projections. As challenging as this is and as much as you want to insist that you don't have any of the negative traits you are pointing out in your partner, you likely do.

And, as always, know:

YOU ARE WORTH IT, EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Namasté,

Candice

Join Jenny Jo Tuttle tomorrow night, Feb 24th, 2015, 6-7:30 p.m. for Relationship Recovery Class. Whether you are single or in a relationship, come! Fee: $45 per person, $75 per couple. 4505 S. Wasatch Blvd Ste 205, SLC UT 84124; 801-272-3500.

Photo by livlovecreate.com.

Lust Vs. Disgust: Treating the Intimacy Disorder Spectrum

I love the picture of Kristen Wiig, former cast member of Saturday Night Live, displaying a face of disgust in her typical, humorous fashion. Yet, while Kristen often makes a subject that would otherwise seem embarrassing or "yucky" sound and look hilarious, in reality, we tend to experience otherwise.

In fact, when most people think of disgust, they typically recall a person, place, thing, or experience in their lives where they felt ashamed, disturbed, and/or grossed out.

In my work with both adult men and women with intimacy disorders (i.e., issues with sex, relational conflict, infidelity, betrayal, to love/relationship/sexual anorexia as well as love/relaitonship/sex addiction, to SASOP™, sex addict sex offender-potential™), every single person has reported an experience in their life where they felt repulsed or disgusted, only to unconsciously sexualize the experience as an adult in an attempt to master the trauma that is attached to it.

The reason for this is because what is repulsive and disgusting often becomes arousing (sometimes hyper-arousing) and lustful as a way to resolve the unresolved. Dr. Patrick Carnes has labeled this trauma repetition (Betrayal Bond, 1997). Many folks with histories of trauma will traumatically bond to individuals who are unhealthy, unsafe (dangerous), as a means of replicating past trauma. The brain, after all, will repeat patterns unless and until it learns new patterns of coping (patterns that are healthy).

This also presents as Eroticized Rage (ER) at times; anger turned sexual. ER gives one a false sense of feeling powerful when they feel powerless. It can also give a false sense of "equalling the playing field" when one feels wronged. This thinking is obviously a cognitive distortion.

Some individuals may act out their ER or trauma by crossing over into more perverse behavior. They may create non-hands on or hands on victims (exploit others). Robert Stoller describes this term in his book with the same title (Perversion,1975) as "The erotic form of hatred" (p.4).

This too, according to Stoller, is often an attempt to master trauma from one's past. However, instead of replicating past victimization by being victimized in one's current life, the victim becomes the victimizer. They use power and control as an illusive means of resolving past trauma.

How does an individual go from experiencing unresolved issues that manifest as addictive lust and disgust to having healthy sexuality?

While this is admittedly a process; it is definitely possible. First, it takes commitment. A person must be committed to engaging in a structured program that specializes in treating intimacy disorders (not just anyone can treat intimacy disorders).

Next, it is important to explore an individuals past to determine what created the "disgust/repulsion"(i.e. neglect, bullying, sexual, physical, emotional abuse, early exposure to porn, genetics).

This will help an individual understand how the disgusting event(s) (including an event that were not necessarily sexual) has impacted their current problematic non-sexual and sexual behaviors. This includes unhealthy "lust"; it is one way something "disgust" is demonstrated. Note: we acknowledge that lust is a natural part of healthy sex that often has gotten mi-sused as a result of past trauma.

Using Carnes' Task-based and structured model, we identify and treat co-occurring disorders and addictions/anorexias knowing that without addressing all addictions, aversions and disorders, we likely perpetuate one's acting out behaviors.

We work with individuals to resolve shame, identify and self intervene in their cycle, as well as explore the dissociative trauma model of addiction to see when, where and why their protective addict shows up and how it believes it protects their inner child from pain("the vulnerable child"). We teach, demonstrate, and have clients practice healthy core values, including learning how to ask for what they need to cultivate honest and satisfying relationships.

We incorporate EMDR and mindfulness to assist individuals in learning how to self regulate challenging emotions and resolve past trauma.

We explore the stages of courtship and steps to achieving healthier courtship patterns (especially since no one is ever taught healthy courtship). We weave in discussions of positive sexual focus as well as books such as Alexandra Katehakis's book Erotic Intelligence to take the integral steps towards healthy sexuality. We encourage partner therapy as well as couples therapy to support individuals who are in committed relationships in finding and cultivating lasting and healthy recovery together.

These are just some of the ways in which we work with individuals in order to go from the extremes of the intimacy disorder spectrum towards healthy and enjoyable intimacy and sexuality. Intimacy as well as sex deserve to be honored and enjoyed for what they are instead of what they have been used for in one's addiction/aversion (i.e., a "drug" or method of escape).

Opportunity of the week: Notice where you are on the intimacy disorder spectrum (i.e., do you bond to unhealthy people? Do you have a love addiction or relationship addiction? Are you addicted or averse to sex and intimacy?). See if you can identify what in your past was "disgusting" or repulsive to you and how that may be feeding your addictive intimate and/or sexual behavior or sexual/intimacy aversive behavior. Explore how you may have turned your feelings of "disgust" into unhealthy patterns of "lust" or avoidance. Process this with a safe person, your therapist, and/or your group. This is a positive start on the path towards healthy sexuality; when we learn to identify the "why", we can intervene on our own behalf. It helps teach us how to make healthier decisions regarding lasting non-sexual and sexual intimacy.

And, as always, know: YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Sex Does Not Equal Love

My colleague and expert in partner and trauma therapy, Jill Seely, emailed me a quote this morning from Mary Anne Layden. Mary says: "... We are hardwired to love and be loved. That's what feeds our hungry heart..." She adds, "We have a generation who are starved and have hungry hearts...They are eating the sexual junk food... because they are so starved they would eat junk food if that's all that's available to them."

I love Mary's quote; however, I think that it is not just one generation that suffers from starved and hungry hearts. Rather, we have a mass population across the globe that, although wired to be sexual, has gotten lost in the delusion that sex equals love.

Why is that?

Anthropologist and researcher professor at Rutgers University, Dr. Helen Fisher, has done extensive research studying the neurochemistry of sex and emotional systems of humans.

She explains that there are three primary emotion systems that have evolved in humans.

The first to evolve was the sex drive; lust, libido. This is characterized by a craving for sexual gratification and is associated with estrogen and androgens. One's sex drive evolved principally to "motivate people to seek sexual union with any appropriate member of the species to continue the survival of the species" (2007, P. Carnes, In the Shadow of the Net, p. 60).

The second emotion is attraction. This is often described as passionate love, infatuation, or in some cases obsessive love. People that experience this emotion system may have intrusive thoughts about their object of attraction, and may crave emotional union from their partner or a potential partner.

This emotion system is associated with high levels of dopamine and low levels of serotonin. It evolved to facilitate an individual's choice in mates, as well as help them focus their attention on "gentically superior individuals" (2007, P. Carnes, In the Shadow of the Net, p. 60).

The third emotion system is attachment. This is where we see individuals form companion love in their monogamous adult intimate relationships. It is often characterized by building a nest egg, mutual grooming and feeding, feeling anxious when apart, shared responsibilities, staying physically close to each other.

In humans, this attachment is often characterized by "calmness, security, social comfort, and emotional union" (2007, P. Carnes, In the Shadow of the Net, p. 60). It is associated with oxytocin and vasopressin, both known for connection. This emotion system developed as a means to motivate people to sustain their relationships.

We know that when it comes to intimacy disorders, it is not about sex. Sex is just a tool in which people use to cope, just like some folks get hooked on substances, sugar, spending, etc. as a means of coping with various unresolved issues.

There are indeed deeper issues that impact an individual's choice to use sex as a means of gaining love.

For example, attachment failure, genetics, trauma, and the internet itself (especially for children and teens), all hijack people's brains into thinking that the means to finding lasting happiness and comfort(via escape) is through an escape. For a lot of people that escape is sexual gratification because it feels good.

Get a quick dopamine fix and the world seems brighter, right? This is the delusion that feeds addiction...

Sometimes people get stuck in the lust and limerence phase that Helen Fisher describes, getting their continual dopamine fix while avoiding attaching to someone. A lot of times, especially with the clients that I work with, their addiction to the "feel good" is really a way to avoid feeling rejected by a live person.

For example, an anxious-avoidant or love avoidant individual may like to play the "catch and release" game of one night stands and hook ups. Or they might avoid reality by way of viewing pornography for hours and days at a time, especially when they feel stressed.

Both do this to get their sexual needs met and may even think that by doing so, it keeps them safe from being abandoned or rejected. It also may feel like "love" because of the high they feel; when in reality, it isn't.

Intensity is not love, nor is it intimacy.

Recovery is about realizing that there are ways to heal from one's past without escaping in detrimental and destructive ways. There are also ways to connect to others non-sexually and sexually. Recovery teaches us that it is actually safer and easier to be honest and vulnerable than stay detached and disconnected.

Recovery helps you get to a place where you learn what love is and what it isn't; and where you start to experience what unconditional love is, which is not about sex. You also learn the importance of having self love and self respect in all your relationships. Then, sex can become the icing on the cake, not the cake.

YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

The Sex Addiction Cycle: How to Tell If You are In It and What To Do About It

Crystal was fairly new to recovery from sex and love addiction when she experienced a death of a loved one. Shocked, hurt, and feeling rejected, Crystal immediately went into cycle. She became pre-occupied (this is first part of the relapse cycle) with destructive thoughts that included blaming those close to her (her boyfriend, and family), feeling like she was not good enough as well as undeserving of having any further recovery. She projected her hurt onto others and found herself longing for the attention from men (not her boyfriend) in an attempt to escape her pain and soothe her discomfort.

She went into sabotage mode, and although she continued attending her bi-weekly SLAA meetings, she was distracted and lacked participation. She cancelled her appointment with her therapist, stopped working on her recovery tasks, and stopped reaching out to her recovery support network. She ignored phone calls and emails from friends, family, and her therapist.

She spent hours on social media, stalking old boyfriend's Facebook pages, and flirting with strangers and co-workers (ritual phase). Her work started to suffer as she fantasized about being in a relationship with her male boss.

Her boyfriend, who knew she was in recovery for sex addiction, noticed an increase in her "zoning out" behavior and confronted her. Angry at his questions, she told him he wasn't making her happy anymore and went out for the night. She went to a bar to meet some co-workers, got drunk, and ended up having sexual relations with a colleague (Acting out phase). She woke up at her friend's house feeling hung over, as well as a great sense of shame, guilt and despair (the final stage of Patrick Carnes' relapse cycle is despair).

In Facing The Shadows, Dr. Patrick Carnes (2010) explains that there are 4 parts of a Sex Addiction Cycle: Pre-Occupation, Ritualization, Acting Out, and Despair. Change, especially if it is outside a person's control, often triggers negative core beliefs and the associated thoughts and feelings. Core beliefs, and the associated thoughts and feelings, often relate back to an individual's unresolved past trauma ("Big T or Little t"), including family of origin issues.

If these past issues are left unresolved or ignored, it is common for individuals to go into cycle, beginning with pre-occupation. This was the case with Crystal.

The following are some signs that an individual in recovery is in a relapse cycle: 1. They will decrease or even stop their recovery routine (not attend meetings, group, individual therapy, isolate) 2. They are more defensive, argumentative, manipulative, and blaming of others, especially those close to them 3. They will pick fights with loved ones as a means to "escape" into their world of addiction 4. They will stop following through with daily responsibilities 5. They act more secretive and lie about ritual behavior, and even acting out.

Crystal stopped her recovery routine, began to isolate, and was defensive and argumentative with her boyfriend. She lapsed via going into fantasy world of social media, then picked a fight with her boyfriend to escape, which ended up in her acting out.

The good news is that it is possible to intervene early on in one's cycle in order to prevent them from a full blown relapse. Had Crystal reached out to her sponsor, support network, and therapist, and been honest about her negative core beliefs, thoughts and feelings associated with the death of a loved one, she would likely have stopped her cycle in the pre-occupation phase and moved back into the Recovery Zone (Carnes, 2010). Along with this, if she continued working in therapy, she would have still struggled with her loss, but it likely wouldn't have caused her to go into sabatoge mode.

If she would have been open and honest with her boyfriend early on about the pain that she felt at her loss, he may have been able to offer her the support she needed. This may have helped her stay engaged in their relationship instead of checking out on social media (it is important to note that it is not a spouse's responsibility to keep their addict partner sober).

Although relapse is a part of recovery, one of the goals of treatment is to learn and practice healthy coping skills in order to navigate through challenging triggers, including change in an adaptive way.

Know that if you are struggling with being in a relapse cycle, there is support. You are not alone. Our team at Namaste Center for Healing is here for you. Check out our website for services and resources for various support groups: namasteadvice.com, or call us at 801-272-3500.

And as always, please remember: YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice