5 Tips to Better Sex

As an expert in treating intimacy disorders including teaching healthy* sexuality (*a relative term) to those in intimate relationships, I am often asked questions regarding how to improve people's sex lives.

Many folks come to me with stories and myths about sex, intimacy, and sexuality, and most have some element of shame surrounding sex. Along with this, if there is infidelity or an intimacy disorder involved, that adds a whole other layer to the sex-equation.

This blog is about improving your sex life with the one you love (or ones if you are poly) from the space you are in today. So, if you are in the eye of the storm with a recent betrayal or new to recovery from an intimacy disorder, you may feel this blog doesn't relate right now. That is ok.

My staple when I am working with couples or partnerships surrounding sex is Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are. I will reference this book as I share 5 helpful tips for better sex. Note: I discuss many of these tips and more in my 12-Session Art of Ecstasy Webinar.

Be Free

It finally feels like summer! For many folks summer is all about longer days, BBQs, fun-filled festivals, music concerts, swimming pools, beaches, long boarding, camping, water parks....the smell of fresh cut grass on a hot summer day, bike rides, lemonade, and popsicles.....to me summer feels like the ultimate freedom. Summertime is playtime and playtime feels so profoundly freeing! My inner child comes out to play a lot during the summer!  

I also love the freedom that I am afforded by being an American. The 4th of July has always held a special place in my heart. I have very fond memories of lighting sparklers with my siblings and our friends as we ate hot dogs and celebrated the freedom in our country. I think our literal freedom is so easy to take for granted especially in this day and age. 

With that being said, it seems like people take all kinds of freedoms for granted these days. Many people get caught up in worrying about what others (especially their loved ones) think so much so that they end up not being true to themselves. Or, they tip toe around the real issues, acting disingenuous or completely fake. Or they escape into some sort of mental or physical "abyss" (addiction, etc) to avoid living life the way they want; authentically. 

The Healing Power of Finding Reprieve as a Couple!

This blog post is being written by Candice and her husband Chris.

Candice: As I have shared in previous posts, Chris and I are in a life transition. This indeed has brought up an array of emotions, from feeling sad and grieving the loss of my mother (again) while cleaning out our closets to feeling excited and hopeful for the new, fresh experiences that are to come. We are currently living in a very small basement apartment while our new (and smaller) home is being built somewhere along the western edge of the rocky mountains. And for some reason (it's hard to explain), we both love it! 

Chris: I am really excited for this new adventure! Living in our cottage house, as we have decided to call it, has actually been a lot of fun. Sure, we step over each other, the dogs are next to our side 24 hours a day, and we can hear the neighbor's son up at all hours of the night playing his VR video game. But Candice is right, there is something about having the simplicity of this small space and this time in our lives that feels like a reprieve.

Spark Joy In the New Year

Happy New Year! We made it through 2018 and for many people (including me) that was not not an easy under-taking. If you take a moment to reflect on the past year and what you had been holding onto, what do you notice? For me, I was holding onto A LOT of baggage. LITERALLY. My husband and I sold our home deciding to simplify, downsize and find a way to live in such a way that sparks joy for us individually and as a couple. As a dear friend told us during our move, "We realize we love the life we have when we don't have to go anywhere to feel like we are on vacation."WOW. Did that stick with me or what?! During our packing process, I had three people (indeed a magic number) ask me if I had read the book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo.  

Returning to SELF

Many people don't know this but 2018 has been an incredibly hard year for me personally. I am learning that sometimes growth and expansion show up this way-the polarity of opposites perhaps? Maybe you recognize the term, "With pain comes growth"?

In my process of going through some parallel experiences similar to what I witness each and every day in my career, I quietly, slowly, unintentionally though absent-mindedly had moved away from my SELF. Specifically, I had moved away from taking care of me. 

It is actually quite fascinating how growth and expansion shows up in our world. Historically, when I have felt out of control in one area of my life I typically would focus on what I could control. This brought me a sense of ease and inner peace. However, this year I learned that I had to let go of external control and go inward. Go deeper. There was no amount of control that would help me heal this wound.