I was recently in an Autism and ADH(D) IFIO couple therapy training where there were questions about PDA, formally known as Pathological Demand Avoidance. I like to refer to it as Persistent Drive (or Desire) for Autonomy.
Let’s talk about what PDA is and is not and how it may show up in Autistic adults:
It is not a “pathology” nor a disease, nor is it part of the formal criteria for diagnosing autism. However, it is considered a specific profile within the Autism spectrum, where individuals exhibit a strong desire for independence and have an increased sensitivity towards demands that challenge their autonomy (Reframing Autism, 2025). Those with PDA often experience the world differently from those around them. PDA is about the pressure and threat felt by those with this profile when they are not in control of their choices, decisions, and lives. To feel control, folks with PDA will often resist and avoid demands placed upon them.
First, take a moment and think about all the demands placed on you in a single day. For example, demand for time, following a set schedule, all the things that have to be done during the day and as part of your schedule (get ready for the day, eat, clean up after yourself, brush your teeth, get dressed including what to wear, responding to texts or phone calls, people’s requests in person or email or in other ways). Just writing this list made me feel anxious with all the demands. Another example, following instructions, rules, laws, agendas, timetables, deadlines. So. Many. Demands each day!
t was a typical Tuesday- see intensive clients, some weekly clients then admin meeting with my Chief Program Officer, Meg. Meg and I had been noticing an interesting phenomena with our intensive clients… the male identified individuals coming to our intensives for our Neuro-Inclusive approach were presenting with traits that were not autism, ADH, Obsessive compulsion, bipolar or similar neurotypes (our specialization). Their “hardware” entailed one or more of those diagnoses, but their software (parts) were presenting with grandiosity, feeling pleasure from their partner’s pain, lacking empathy and remorse for causing harm to their loved ones and family, and charm (among other things). After discussing for some time, Meg and I found a solution for our advanced recovery clients…
“What if we offered a web based psycho-educational group for these couples?” I suggested.
“Let’s do it.” Meg replied, her teacher part excited at the opportunity to create a powerpoint.
We invited 9 couples (n= 18). All but one couple stayed for the entire 8 weeks. We introduced the concept that the individuals on the call that had the Dark Triad (DT) Traits are “more than your worst decision…so much more.” As hope merchants we shared that we know that these are parts and not costumes that are “burned onto” each DT person. “The percentage of individuals who are true Dark Triad blow out of a therapy space,” we shared, from experience. They aren’t treatable.
“I am Crow.” This came to me this morning during my hour-long drumming journey. I saw myself transform into the crow, then become human, then become various animals as I toured different landscapes on turtle island.
My intention for my journey was to stand in my power as I move into my “Crow” season. This term has continuously come to me in my daily drumming journeys since recognizing my body was transitioning into what I also call womenopause, Women of Pause (instead of Men-o-pause).
When I came out of my drumming journey, I organically turned to the page about Crow from Medicine Cards(Sams, J, Carson, D., 1999). This is a wisdom-filled book about Animal Medicine that my spirit daughter Meg introduced to me. I was captivated by what I read…
“The first paragraph described a medicine story where the Crow was fascinated by her own shadow. She looked at it, pecked at it, scratched it, until her shadow awoke. Upon awakening and becoming alive, the Crow’s shadow ate her. Crow is Dead Crow now” (p. 133). This is where the term “eat Crow” comes from…The Crow is the “keeper of sacred law” (p. 133).
I am currently on Maui with my beloved, Chris. In the last 72 hours, hell has literally descended on this beautiful island. We lost power early Tuesday morning, then by Tuesday afternoon, we saw a dark cloud fill the sky and by 5 p.m. we lost cell service. We drove a little ways towards Lahaina early Wednesday morning (4 a.m.) but police had blocked the road. We still had no information about what was going on or why we couldn’t get to the other side of the island. Little did we know that the historic Lahaina town, approximately 7 minutes from our condo, was burning to the ground.
Words cannot describe how unsettling it is to not know what is going on around you yet being able to feel an urgent sense of dread in the air. Even worse is not being able to contact anyone because the power is out, and there is no internet or cell service.
The devastation we have witnessed since Tuesday is unimaginable. Many of you reading this have probably seen pictures on the news and internet. But to be on Maui and actually see and feel it? It is like a war zone-as though nuclear bomb went off. It is so unfathomable and yet, it is SO real. Many of our Maui friends and their families lost their homes and many still can’t find family members.
This month, consider this…
You have been hustling as a means of attaining self worth…
But the truth is, your self worth is NOT outside of you…
It’s not based on how many people like you, follow you, reassure you, comfort you, show up for you when you call (or call out to them), or stroke your ego … It’s the same thing with your value-it is not outside of you. Everything you need is right inside- within you.
Stop seeking answers about yourself or your life via other people. You have all the answers.
Take a risk, get quiet, and go inward and listen! Your higher self is trying to communicate with you!
Stop resisting the truth- it only slows your divine growth spurts (and expansion) down.
Stop avoiding doing your own work; it’s required on an on-going basis if you want to elevate (ascend) in this life.
