YES To Love, Sex, and Autism!

For decades, a cold and clinical narrative has surrounded the autistic community. Autistic individuals have been labeled as asexual, emotionally detached, or simply "incapable" of the nuances of intimacy.

These narratives are not only inaccurate—they are deeply harmful.

They ignore the beautiful, "neurodifferent" ways we communicate. They erase the profound human longing to be truly known. As an AuDHD clinician for over 21 years, I wrote Love, Sex, and Autism because I knew it was time to challenge these misconceptions with a single, radical premise:

Autistic adults are not only capable of love and healthy sex—they are deserving of intimacy where they feel safe enough to unmask and be their truest selves.

Why This Book, and Why Now?

In my practice at the Namasté Center for Healing, I see couples and individuals navigating the "logic puzzles" of betrayal, the sensory overwhelm of physical touch, and the exhaustion of social masking. Traditional, "neuro-normative" advice often fails our community because it doesn't account for how our neurotypes and nervous systems actually work.

Love, Sex, and Autism isn’t just a book; it’s a groundbreaking resource designed to bridge the gap between neurobiology and the heart.

What You’ll Discover Inside:

I wanted to ensure that every reader—whether they are dating in the digital age or navigating a decades-long marriage—has the tools to feel seen. Some things I explore:

• The 7 Types of Neurodifferent Communication: Moving beyond "misunderstandings" to identify the specific ways Autistic and ADHD partners exchange information.

• The Masking & Rejection Sensitivity Loop: Understanding how the fear of judgment creates barriers to true intimacy and solutions.

• Neuro-Affirmative Inquiries: Deep-dive reflection questions in every section to help you and your partner explore your unique needs without shame.

• Sensory Sex Talk: How to transition from "performance" to "pleasure" by honoring your sensory and emotional profile.

• Neuro-Love Languages for couples to connect.

• Navigating the “Day to Day” of Executive Function Challenges, Cognitive, and Sensory Overload.

• Navigating the Hard Truths: Dedicated chapters on healing from betrayal, identifying Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), and reclaiming your "alarm system."

• Modern Dating: Real-talk strategies for the digital age, designed for neurodivergent brains.

Moving From "Should" to "Is"

As an AuDHD clinician, I know that the most painful part of neurodifferent life is often the "shoulds"—the neuro-normative expectations of how we should talk, should touch, and should feel.

This book is your permission slip to let go of the "shoulds." Backed by experts like Tony Attwood, PhD, Eva A. Mendes, Dr. Roger, Jou, and Dr. Wenn D. Lawson, it provides the "authentic, credible, and practical guidance" needed to move from a state of hyper-vigilance to a state of grounded, joyful pleasure and connection.

Intimacy is not a performance; it is a safe place to land.

I’ve woven together lived experience, clinical insights, and the transformative power of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Intimacy from The Inside Out (IFIO) and Polyvagal Theory to help you:

A Note from Autism expert Tony Attwood

I am incredibly honored that internationally recognized expert Tony Attwood, PhD, described this work as “Authentic, credible, and practical guidance for building understanding and connection.”

The Path to Radical Truth

Whether you are an autistic individual, a partner in a neuro-different relationship, or a clinician looking for neuro-affirmative tools, this workbook is your invitation to stop trying to fit into "shoulds" and start building a love life that honors your nervous system.

Love is not a “neurotypical” privilege. It is a human right.

Understanding PDA: Persistent Drive For Autonomy in Adults

I was recently in an Autism and ADH(D) IFIO couple therapy training where there were questions about PDA, formally known as Pathological Demand Avoidance. I like to refer to it as Persistent Drive (or Desire) for Autonomy.

Let’s talk about what PDA is and is not and how it may show up in Autistic adults:

It is not a “pathology” nor a disease, nor is it part of the formal criteria for diagnosing autism. However, it is considered a specific profile within the Autism spectrum, where individuals exhibit a strong desire for independence and have an increased sensitivity towards demands that challenge their autonomy (Reframing Autism, 2025). Those with PDA often experience the world differently from those around them. PDA is about the pressure and threat felt by those with this profile when they are not in control of their choices, decisions, and lives. To feel control, folks with PDA will often resist and avoid demands placed upon them.

First, take a moment and think about all the demands placed on you in a single day. For example, demands for time, following a set schedule, all the things that have to be done during the day and as part of your schedule (get ready for the day, eat, clean up after yourself, brush your teeth, get dressed including what to wear, responding to texts or phone calls, people’s requests in person or email or in other ways. Just writing that list made me feel anxious with all the demands. Another example, following instructions, rules, laws, agendas, timetables, deadlines. So. Many. Demands each day!

Likewise, if someone tells a person with PDA what they like or want, this can cause a lot of resistance. Being praised for doing something can also activate resistance due to the pressure to have to perform that same way next time. Being offered a reward for certain behavior only adds to the pressure of the demand and increases anxiety.

Barking orders or demands at someone with PDA causes a lot of anxiety and can activate rejection sensitivity, also common among people with PDA. It isn’t a matter of not being capable of doing something, it is more a matter of not being able to even though they may have done it in the past. Being told to do something they were already going to do can cause someone with PDA to say “no.”

Friendships are hard because of the demands placed on them so many people with PDA prefer one at a time. And then there are relationships….these are even more challenging because of even the typical demands placed on a person who is in an intimate relationship…

To reduce anxiety, a PDA person may avoid, deflect, or joke around (give funny reasons) for not following through with a request. Or they may create a fantasy world where they don’t have to respond to a request.

Of course someone with PDA would feel completely out of control and overwhelmed by all the demands they feel are being placed on them. So how can we be an ally to someone with PDA?

1) Remain Calm, it’s not personal (even though it can validly feel that way at times)

2) Avoid Demand Language (e.g., you need, do it now, you must, it is urgent)

3) Use this language: “Is it alright if we…”, “I wonder if we might…”, “Could you please help me? I wonder if you could…”, “Let’s see if there’s a way to….”, “How do you feel about….”

4) Use written requests that are simple and non-threatening

5) If you as a non-PDA person also have no choice, it can feel less threatening to the person with PDA (e.g., a law, a rule).

6) Show interest in things a person with PDA loves, since they are natural leaders

It is important that a person with PDA feels in control over their own lives. This is crucial. Letting them have their own story (while honoring yours) and being autonomous is key. It’s not about you as the non-PDA person taking on all the household chores, but choosing language that is supportive, collaborative, instead of demanding.

References/Resources: Reframing Autism. 2025. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and Autism: A Guide for Allies.Retrieved from: https://reframingautism.org.au/pathological-demand-avoidance-pda-and-autism-guide-for-allies/

Hoopman, K. All about PDA: An Insight Into Pathological Demand Avoidance. Jessica Kingsley Publishing. London and Philadelphia.

N = 18: Addressing Dark Triad Relationship Dynamics

n=18: Addressing Dark Triad Relationship Dynamics

It was a typical Tuesday- see intensive clients, some weekly clients then admin meeting with my Chief Program Officer, Meg. Meg and I had been noticing an interesting phenomena with our intensive clients… the male identified individuals coming to our intensives for our Neuro-Inclusive approach were presenting with traits that were not autism, ADH, Obsessive compulsion, bipolar or similar neurotypes (our specialization). Their “hardware” entailed one or more of those diagnoses, but their software (parts) were presenting with grandiosity, feeling pleasure from their partner’s pain, lacking empathy and remorse for causing harm to their loved ones and family, and charm (among other things). After discussing this for some time, Meg and I found a solution for our advanced recovery clients…

“What if we offered a web based psycho-educational group for these couples?” I suggested.

“Let’s do it.” Meg replied, her teacher part excited at the opportunity to create a powerpoint.

We invited 9 couples (n= 18). All but one couple stayed for the entire 8 weeks. As hope merchants we assured the group members that we know that Dark Triad traits are parts and not costumes that are “burned onto.” We reminded the group that the small percentage of individuals who are true Dark Triad blow out of a therapy space. This small percentage is not treatable.

There was a history of safety between us and the group members, which was crucial for us to be able to talk about such an emotionally charged topic. We made sure to humanize everyone in the room, being models of the importance of having compassion for all humans, especially those who wish to change after committing betrayal violence.

We used one of Meg’s beautiful powerpoint creations (she is, after all, the artist in the Namasté family) and introduced the quote I had coined long ago when we first worked with men with escalated (illegal) sexual behavior. “I prey upon, before I prey upon, because I was preyed upon.” We talked how about Dr. Dick Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems model, had worked with sex offenders at one point in his career. He noticed that younger parts of many of these men had grown up in abusive households and noticed the most powerful person in the room-the one abusing. These men had fierce protectors who grew up demonstrating, “I prey upon, before I am preyed upon, because I was preyed upon.” However, in recovery from betrayal violence, all of them shared that they did not want to be this way, causing harm or creating pain for their partner and family. They wanted to heal.

“Parts cope. Self Heals.”

We talked about this concept regarding parts coping in various ways, with specific parts showing up for the DT partners (image managers, love bombers, punishers, martyrs), and parts of the betrayed partner showing up as well in these relationships (over giver, peace keeper, faithful rescuer, ). We discussed the importance of knowing that Diss-association leads to Dissociation (trait vs. state) which leads to dehumanization and that the only way out of this cycle is by creating couple cohesion, connection, and compassion. This is done through our accurate Neuro-Inclusive treatment intervention that tends, befriends to the DT parts in a way that they trust and soften, as well as similarly tending to the partner’s parts so that both in the coupleship can be more Self Led than parts led in recovery. This is a slow but crucial process.

Slower is Faster…

We did a lot of pausing in this group to ensure everyone’s nervous systems were soothed since the discussions and topics were challenging. Slower is faster as we say in IFIO couple therapy (IFS for couples therapy) and a quote I live by and work by especially with high conflict couples.

We educated the group on DARVO which is a term that entails:

D: Deny, A: Attack, RVO: Reverse Victim Offender

We also educated on Reverse Darvo for betrayed partners :

Detach, Assert, Reassure, Validate, Observe as a means of their own advocacy

We reviewed the Karpman Drama triangle, educating on a cycle that high conflict couples often get into: Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer and a way out of the triangle via: Exiting the Victim role with Responsibility, Exiting the Persecutor role with Respect, Exiting the Rescuer role with Reciprocity

We ended our 8 weeks by allowing the group to ask questions (which they also did throughout) and to share how it felt to attend this kind of group. We thanked each participant for being courageous to attend and having a willingness to heal.

At the end, some group members asked for us to do a Part 2 of the DT relationship group, sharing that out of all the programs they have gone to for sexual and relationship recovery, our intensives and attending this group is the first time they finally have words to explain what they were experiencing relationally, which allows them to finally heal.

Messages From An Animal Totem: Exploring Personal Integrity Vs. "Eating Crow"

“I am Crow.” This came to me this morning during my hour-long drumming journey. I saw myself transform into the crow, then become human, then become various animals as I toured different landscapes on turtle island.

My intention for my journey was to stand in my power as I move into my “Crow” season. This term has continuously come to me in my daily drumming journeys since recognizing my body was transitioning into what I also call womenopause, Women of Pause (instead of Men-o-pause).

When I came out of my drumming journey, I organically turned to the page about Crow from Medicine Cards(Sams, J, Carson, D., 1999). This is a wisdom-filled book about Animal Medicine that my spirit daughter Meg introduced to me. I was captivated by what I read…

“The first paragraph described a medicine story where the Crow was fascinated by her own shadow. She looked at it, pecked at it, scratched it, until her shadow awoke. Upon awakening and becoming alive, the Crow’s shadow ate her. Crow is Dead Crow now” (p. 133). This is where the term “eat Crow” comes from…The Crow is the “keeper of sacred law” (p. 133).

This reminds me of another drumming journey I experienced with Medicine woman Patricia James. It was during my first week at the California Institute of Integral Studies (CIIS) to become a Psychedelic Assisted Therapist (PAT). What an honor to have Patricia be the first healer of the day to share her Native wisdom and gift of drumming! My intention for my drumming journey was to allow my personal integrity to guide me.I was mind blown at what I experienced during those 20 minutes to an alpha drum beat:

I witnessed a masked person then I was the wearer of the mask. I was the cobra with the potential to harm then I was kundalini rising, with the ability to help heal. I was the polarity of opposites. I was the drummer, I was the drum. I was the embodiment of both sides, the light side and the shadow side. I had a choice always, in all ways.

This journey reminds me so much of the teachings of Crow Medicine, one of which is to allow my personal integrity to be my guide. By dropping into our bodies and becoming really quiet, we allow our personal integrity to speak to us, to guide us in the directions we are naturally supposed to go. This is very different from allowing our minds, or the many parts of ourselves to run with a million different stories based on the memories in which they feel stuck or trapped in.

As this day unfolds, are you willing to allow Crow Medicine to guide you? If yes, spend time with this question: Are you living in personal integrity or are you swallowing your own shadow and eating crow? What needs to change if you are doing the latter? How can you honor your personal integrity more?

It is only when we get quiet that we realize the answers have been inside of us all along. It is time we listen to the messages of the wind.

Mitakuye Oyasin,

Candice

Candice Christiansen is the Founder and Clinical Director of Namasté Center For Healing. She is an IFS, EMDR therapist, trained CSAT, CMAT, and a Neurodifferent published poet, author and expert in helping people move in and through their lifetime and generational shadows related to intimacy ruptures and trauma to find healing, love, and joy.

photo credit: Sonny Mauricio on Unsplash.com

When Hell Descends Upon Us....Choose Love.

I am currently on Maui with my beloved, Chris. In the last 72 hours, hell has literally descended on this beautiful island. We lost power early Tuesday morning, then by Tuesday afternoon, we saw a dark cloud fill the sky and by 5 p.m. we lost cell service. We drove a little ways towards Lahaina early Wednesday morning (4 a.m.) but police had blocked the road. We still had no information about what was going on or why we couldn’t get to the other side of the island. Little did we know that the historic Lahaina town, approximately 7 minutes from our condo, was burning to the ground.

Words cannot describe how unsettling it is to not know what is going on around you yet being able to feel an urgent sense of dread in the air. Even worse is not being able to contact anyone because the power is out, and there is no internet or cell service.

The devastation we have witnessed since Tuesday is unimaginable. Many of you reading this have probably seen pictures on the news and internet. But to be on Maui and actually see and feel it? It is like a war zone-as though nuclear bomb went off. It is so unfathomable and yet, it is SO real. Many of our Maui friends and their families lost their homes and many still can’t find family members.

This morning at 5 a.m. we drove a little ways upcountry to a place we found where we have been able to get one bar of cell service. Displaced locals had been sleeping in their cars on this road. While there, I saw a local woman cleaning up trash. I offered to help her and as we walked she began to scream and cry. She yelled, “Clean up your fucking trash!! Our island is burning!” I asked her if I could hug her. As she sobbed in my arms, she apologized for getting so angry and told me her home burned down in the fire. She lost everything. I cried with her and reassured her she has every right to be angry. I asked what we could do to support her right now and offered her our place to shower, and our food. She said, “I just want a cup of coffee.” Who wouldn’t want to experience the normalcy of a cozy cup of hot coffee in the morning? Although we didn’t have a hot cup of Joe, Chris gave her his cold coffee, of which she was grateful . As we stood there someone from her condo complex walked up and reassured her that her building survived. We all burst out crying.

Today, we were able to get on one of the evacuation buses to go to Kahului, near the airport. I don’t think I have ever been so thankful to get on a bus and drive to safety in my entire life.

After about an hour of being on the other side of the island, I started to notice how utterly exhausted I feel. We have been in a state of fight/flight for days now. Our sleep has been terrible, waking up every hour to the sound of rescue sirens driving by and air raid sirens randomly going off….

Even as I type this and my brain feels foggy, I have 5 nuggets of clarity about this tragic experience. They include:

1. Life can change in the matter of minutes so I have gotten crystal clear about how I want to live. Do I want to live in fear or do I want to live in love? Today, I am crystal clear that I choose love. No. Matter. What.

2. Family, friendships and our community matters, things don’t.

3. Our heart is where our true home is, not the other way around. Why? Because we can lose our home in a matter of seconds….but our hearts are the foundation of any inner home.

4. Food, water, shelter are all privileges that I will forever be thankful I have.

5. The importance of savoring the little things, like a cup of Joe, a warm hug, and a compassionate gesture.

Please Pray for Maui,

XO,

Candice

photo credit: https://www.civilbeat.org/2023/08/live-maui-fire-evacuations-closures-and-shelter-updates/