I was recently in an Autism and ADH(D) IFIO couple therapy training where there were questions about PDA, formally known as Pathological Demand Avoidance. I like to refer to it as Persistent Drive (or Desire) for Autonomy.
Let’s talk about what PDA is and is not and how it may show up in Autistic adults:
It is not a “pathology” nor a disease, nor is it part of the formal criteria for diagnosing autism. However, it is considered a specific profile within the Autism spectrum, where individuals exhibit a strong desire for independence and have an increased sensitivity towards demands that challenge their autonomy (Reframing Autism, 2025). Those with PDA often experience the world differently from those around them. PDA is about the pressure and threat felt by those with this profile when they are not in control of their choices, decisions, and lives. To feel control, folks with PDA will often resist and avoid demands placed upon them.
First, take a moment and think about all the demands placed on you in a single day. For example, demands for time, following a set schedule, all the things that have to be done during the day and as part of your schedule (get ready for the day, eat, clean up after yourself, brush your teeth, get dressed including what to wear, responding to texts or phone calls, people’s requests in person or email or in other ways. Just writing that list made me feel anxious with all the demands. Another example, following instructions, rules, laws, agendas, timetables, deadlines. So. Many. Demands each day!
Likewise, if someone tells a person with PDA what they like or want, this can cause a lot of resistance. Being praised for doing something can also activate resistance due to the pressure to have to perform that same way next time. Being offered a reward for certain behavior only adds to the pressure of the demand and increases anxiety.
Barking orders or demands at someone with PDA causes a lot of anxiety and can activate rejection sensitivity, also common among people with PDA. It isn’t a matter of not being capable of doing something, it is more a matter of not being able to even though they may have done it in the past. Being told to do something they were already going to do can cause someone with PDA to say “no.”
Friendships are hard because of the demands placed on them so many people with PDA prefer one at a time. And then there are relationships….these are even more challenging because of even the typical demands placed on a person who is in an intimate relationship…
To reduce anxiety, a PDA person may avoid, deflect, or joke around (give funny reasons) for not following through with a request. Or they may create a fantasy world where they don’t have to respond to a request.
Of course someone with PDA would feel completely out of control and overwhelmed by all the demands they feel are being placed on them. So how can we be an ally to someone with PDA?
1) Remain Calm, it’s not personal (even though it can validly feel that way at times)
2) Avoid Demand Language (e.g., you need, do it now, you must, it is urgent)
3) Use this language: “Is it alright if we…”, “I wonder if we might…”, “Could you please help me? I wonder if you could…”, “Let’s see if there’s a way to….”, “How do you feel about….”
4) Use written requests that are simple and non-threatening
5) If you as a non-PDA person also have no choice, it can feel less threatening to the person with PDA (e.g., a law, a rule).
6) Show interest in things a person with PDA loves, since they are natural leaders
It is important that a person with PDA feels in control over their own lives. This is crucial. Letting them have their own story (while honoring yours) and being autonomous is key. It’s not about you as the non-PDA person taking on all the household chores, but choosing language that is supportive, collaborative, instead of demanding.
References/Resources: Reframing Autism. 2025. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and Autism: A Guide for Allies.Retrieved from: https://reframingautism.org.au/pathological-demand-avoidance-pda-and-autism-guide-for-allies/
Hoopman, K. All about PDA: An Insight Into Pathological Demand Avoidance. Jessica Kingsley Publishing. London and Philadelphia.