n=18: Addressing Dark Triad Relationship Dynamics
It was a typical Tuesday- see intensive clients, some weekly clients then admin meeting with my Chief Program Officer, Meg. Meg and I had been noticing an interesting phenomena with our intensive clients… the male identified individuals coming to our intensives for our Neuro-Inclusive approach were presenting with traits that were not autism, ADH, Obsessive compulsion, bipolar or similar neurotypes (our specialization). Their “hardware” entailed one or more of those diagnoses, but their software (parts) were presenting with grandiosity, feeling pleasure from their partner’s pain, lacking empathy and remorse for causing harm to their loved ones and family, and charm (among other things). After discussing this for some time, Meg and I found a solution for our advanced recovery clients…
“What if we offered a web based psycho-educational group for these couples?” I suggested.
“Let’s do it.” Meg replied, her teacher part excited at the opportunity to create a powerpoint.
We invited 9 couples (n= 18). All but one couple stayed for the entire 8 weeks. As hope merchants we assured the group members that we know that Dark Triad traits are parts and not costumes that are “burned onto.” We reminded the group that the small percentage of individuals who are true Dark Triad blow out of a therapy space. This small percentage is not treatable.
There was a history of safety between us and the group members, which was crucial for us to be able to talk about such an emotionally charged topic. We made sure to humanize everyone in the room, being models of the importance of having compassion for all humans, especially those who wish to change after committing betrayal violence.
We used one of Meg’s beautiful powerpoint creations (she is, after all, the artist in the Namasté family) and introduced the quote I had coined long ago when we first worked with men with escalated (illegal) sexual behavior. “I prey upon, before I prey upon, because I was preyed upon.” We talked how about Dr. Dick Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems model, had worked with sex offenders at one point in his career. He noticed that younger parts of many of these men had grown up in abusive households and noticed the most powerful person in the room-the one abusing. These men had fierce protectors who grew up demonstrating, “I prey upon, before I am preyed upon, because I was preyed upon.” However, in recovery from betrayal violence, all of them shared that they did not want to be this way, causing harm or creating pain for their partner and family. They wanted to heal.
“Parts cope. Self Heals.”
We talked about this concept regarding parts coping in various ways, with specific parts showing up for the DT partners (image managers, love bombers, punishers, martyrs), and parts of the betrayed partner showing up as well in these relationships (over giver, peace keeper, faithful rescuer, ). We discussed the importance of knowing that Diss-association leads to Dissociation (trait vs. state) which leads to dehumanization and that the only way out of this cycle is by creating couple cohesion, connection, and compassion. This is done through our accurate Neuro-Inclusive treatment intervention that tends, befriends to the DT parts in a way that they trust and soften, as well as similarly tending to the partner’s parts so that both in the coupleship can be more Self Led than parts led in recovery. This is a slow but crucial process.
Slower is Faster…
We did a lot of pausing in this group to ensure everyone’s nervous systems were soothed since the discussions and topics were challenging. Slower is faster as we say in IFIO couple therapy (IFS for couples therapy) and a quote I live by and work by especially with high conflict couples.
We educated the group on DARVO which is a term that entails:
D: Deny, A: Attack, RVO: Reverse Victim Offender
We also educated on Reverse Darvo for betrayed partners :
Detach, Assert, Reassure, Validate, Observe as a means of their own advocacy
We reviewed the Karpman Drama triangle, educating on a cycle that high conflict couples often get into: Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer and a way out of the triangle via: Exiting the Victim role with Responsibility, Exiting the Persecutor role with Respect, Exiting the Rescuer role with Reciprocity
We ended our 8 weeks by allowing the group to ask questions (which they also did throughout) and to share how it felt to attend this kind of group. We thanked each participant for being courageous to attend and having a willingness to heal.
At the end, some group members asked for us to do a Part 2 of the DT relationship group, sharing that out of all the programs they have gone to for sexual and relationship recovery, our intensives and attending this group is the first time they finally have words to explain what they were experiencing relationally, which allows them to finally heal.