Triggers are Messengers: Can You Let the Messages Help You Heal?

Everyone experiences triggers, or what my mentor and expert in EMDR (trauma therapy), Katie O'Shea calls "emotional activators".

For individuals in our Sexual Recovery Oupatient Program, one of the primary things that we teach and review often is how to identify one's triggers.

When someone lapses or relapses we ask, "Why?" followed by, "You want to understand 'why' so you can figure out how to resolve it from triggering you the next time."  This is key to beginning the change process.

WHAT IS EMOTIONALLY ACTIVATING (Trigger) IS OFTEN THE "WHY" FOR LAPSING/RELAPSING.

According to Dr. Adi Jaffe, "A trigger can be ... anything that brings back thoughts, feelings, and memories that have to do with addiction (like a computer reminding a sex addict of porn)" (psychology today.comblog/all-about-addiction/201003).

To most people, they are not conscious of the specific memory, body trauma, thoughts, and/or feelings that are creating a trigger, or activating discomfort. So most often, the current incident seems to be the actual trigger.

However, when we track back to earlier thoughts, feelings, and memories, most individuals are able to see a current trigger as something related to their past.

People in our lives that we deem as significant are often our biggest triggers. Anyone in our family; mom, dad, siblings, as well as our spouse, children, in-laws, closest friends, co-workers. Even one's therapist because we often present as a canvas in which an individual will transfer either positive or negative feelings and thoughts onto us to work through.

Because most people are not conscious that people are triggers, the therapist and clinical team assists them in identifying the specific triggers being activated and helps them find ways to resolve them effectively instead of projecting onto the clinical team.

WE OFFER A MIRROR.

The messenger's purpose is to give us information into the parts of ourselves that we have been avoiding. Maybe it is our deepest fear, i.e., that our spouse will leave us.

Or a fear that we are not good enough to be loved. Or maybe we fear that if we are vulnerable we will get hurt.  Most individuals literally replicate their deepest challenges (trust issues, feeling left out, fearing vulnerability and closeness) via the therapeutic experience in order to heal.

Situations arise during individuals processes in recovery that often remind them of their deepest emotional wounds, or as Teal Swan says, "the unhealed parts of our being." Sometimes this is hardest to face.

But the messenger that Teal Swan speaks of is actually a gift. The challenge and opportunity in recovery is to see the gift and open (to) it.

The messenger gives us an opportunity to take our healing to the next level. An opportunity to face those darkest shadows and corners, and evolve to a level of recovery like never before.

It may shake us at our core at first, but once we descend deeper into our unhealed parts, we often realize that the "shaking up"  is an illusion. We are only shaken up if we buy into the old stories; that part that is crying out to be healed.

The goal is to listen to the message and see if you can tap into that part of you that feels really afraid, hurt, rejected, sad, pained. See if you can come to your own aid, or if you are able to reach out to those people you know will be there for you. There are so many of us here for you.

When we are able to take the message to heart and go into those feared places, we recover. WE HEAL.

Change is hard; there is no doubt about it. But it is inevitable and always occurring. It is truly the only constant in our world. Without change, we would still be flailing around in our addictions.

Today, please see if you can really understand what your "messenger" is trying to tell you. What unhealed parts of your being have you been too afraid to explore?

Know that you are never alone. You are surrounded by those who love and care about you, and want you to recover whole-heartedly.

And, as always, without a shadow of a doubt, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

It's All About How You Say It....

My colleague Jenny Jo and I recently went to our Level I training with Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, the leading Couples Therapy Experts in the United States What we learned about couples therapy was fascinating. The Gottman's have spent 40 years researching what makes marriages work; including what therapies are completely useless for couples, which, by the way, they would say are most therapies because, as their research has shown, they don't get to the real issue.

What is the real issue, you may wonder? It may serve to first discuss what is NOT the issue according to the Gottmans: 69% of all arguments are perpetual; they never get resolved 80% of arguments are about the same thing; they are literally the same fight! The issue is not that folks fight It is that each party focuses on the fight, or trying to resolve (or for some, "win") the argument instead of mastering the skills surrounding any and all arguments. The Gottmans describe couples as either being "Masters" vs. "Disasters". Masters scan the room for positives and compliments to say to their partner while Disasters scan the room for their partner's mistakes; they look to instruct and correct their partner.

Conflict often arises as a result of individuals failing to connect emotionally to each other It is not the conflict itself that is the problem, but HOW the conflict is approached.

For example, the Gottmans describe the 4-Horseman of the Apocolypse which they say can destroy any relationship. They are: Criticism (attacking your partner's character) Defensiveness (seeing self as victim) Contempt (attacking partner's sense of self with intent to insult them) Stonewalling (big predictor of divorce~withdrawing to avoid conflict) Most people communicate with their spouses using one or more of the 4-Horseman, which do not create a positive outcome.

Gottman therapy provides couples with extensive tools for changing the way people communicate in a special therapy called Gottman Therapy. They begin with a number of assessments to gain an accurate understanding of the relationship's foundation.

Both individuals learn how to communicate in healthier ways, while using the therapist as a witness and gentle guide as the couple progresses and changes.

For instance:

Instead of Criticism, individuals are taught to use a gentle start up; Instead of Defensiveness, individuals are taught to take responsibility for their part; Instead of Contempt, individuals are encouraged to share how they feel and what they need; Instead of Stonewalling, individuals are encouraged to self-soothe (i.e., breathe, count to 10).

Along with this, couples are encouraged to give 5 positives to 1 negative. This is often challenging for folks, especially if they have a tendency to use the 4-Horseman. However, it improves a couples relationship and can actually help when conflict arises.

This week, notice if you use the 4-Horseman; write down when you used them and with whom. Then, practice using the healthy alternatives. Document your changes. Also, practice using 5 positives to 1 negative. Notice that this may be really hard but you can do it. It will likely be awkward at first, but will feel better than how you have been communicating. Remember, it is not about solving your perpetual conflict; it is about learning how to communicate in ways that keep you both connected and feeling heard and understood.

Relationships are the hardest job you will ever have, but they are worth it. With practice and commitment, your relationship will improve.

* The Gottman's do not encourage Gottman therapy if there is domestic violence or a betrayal (affair) and/or addiction. They suggest that the person with the addict, as well as their partner, get specialized therapy first before starting Gottman therapy. This is to ensure that each person is stable and that everything is out in the open.

Remember YOU ARE WORTH IT! Enjoy this last week of 2014 and the beginning of a bright new year!

Namasté, Candice

**THIS TUESDAY NIGHT (6:15-7:45P.M.) JOIN CANDICE AND JENNY JO FOR RELATIONSHIP RECOVERY SKILLS CLASS! CANDICE WILL EMAIL THOSE THAT ATTEND REGULARLY DETAILS INCLUDING DIRECTIONS TO THE NEW GROUP LOCATION.

Finding Your Silver Lining In Your Recovery

The movie "Silver Linings Playbook" with Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence left the movie-goer with a profound sense that there indeed are silver linings in life, regardless of how harsh one's circumstances. It is about looking for them. The multi-layered story-line explores the silver lining that comes out of Brad's characters' mental illness, his love addiction, as well as his wife's infidelity. Similarly, Jennifer's character finds the silver lining in her grief and loss, and both people find their silver lining by accepting new love, healing family dysfunction, and realizing the importance of having hope, forgiveness, and unconditional love.

Like these two characters in this powerful movie, there are so many opportunities to see the silver lining in one's recovery; however, when you are in it, it feels quite the contrary. Life can really suck at times. Along with this, many people want to skip the lessons that are woven into the silver lining and instead expect to get gold... This can be a set up for much disappointment.

In A Gentle Path through the Twelve Principles (2012), Patrick Carnes states, "When we were enmeshed in our addiction, we made a mess of our life--and, almost certainly others' lives as well. Paradoxically, in recovery we summon the courage to make a mess of things again, but in a positive way (p. 148)."

We have to work our way to having the gold by experiencing the many lessons that accompany all the  silver linings. If we don't, we miss out on the amazing opportunities to learn about our families of origin, ourselves, our addictive thoughts, feelings, and actions, and do things differently.

Might that be the silver lining? That life is indeed messy and once we take that courageous leap (or even step) into our recovery, the messy we feel is healthy? After all, we are re-training our brains to think, feel, and act in healthier, less destructive ways that we are not used to. Therefore, we may be clumsy, emotional, vulnerable, and awkward for awhile, and that is ok!

As Bob Proctor states, "We will stumble and fall in the learning process, but success can only be reached when we are prepared to take those steps, all of them, even the ones where we fail" (Carnes, P. 2012, p. 149).

That is how we learn, through silver linings. If life was rosy and paved in gold, we would never grow. I realize this is extremely hard for folks that are new to recovery from anything. However, it is imperative to accepting that even though recovery is messy and hard, the silver linings are endless. One more day sober is better than the rest of your life in your love, relationship, sex, drug, alcohol, food, work, financial, etc. addiction.

So, this week: look for the silver linings in your life, especially in your recovery (from anything!). It may be simple and easy to miss, but in every messy, troublesome, stressful, disturbing or upsetting situation, there is ALWAYS a silver lining. I promise you.  It may be small, but it is still significant and for many, the only thing that gets people through their day at times.

One silver lining might be that you took the time out of your hectic day to focus on your recovery by reading my recovery blog. Way to go!

You are SO Worth It! Please don't ever forget that!

Namasté and Happiest of Holidays to you and yours. May we embrace all our blessings, more silver linings,  and even some gold;)

Candice

Upcoming Events:

• This Week~ We are collecting cans of food for the Food Bank; if you want to donate, we would greatly appreciate it. We will be taking our donations to the Food Bank on Dec 24th. • Tuesday, December 30th from 6:15-7:45 p.m. Candice and Jenny Jo will be facilitating The Relationship Recovery Class focusing on the famous work of Drs John and Julie Gottman; the leading experts on Couples Therapy. We will incorporate a discussion of attachment (which is only one part of addictive behaviors). Location will be emailed again to everyone next Monday; if you want to come and aren't on our email, please contact Candice: namasteadvice@gmail.com.

Does Passion Elude Us? How to Create Non-Sexual and Sexual Passion In a Recovering Relationship

The word Passion has been defined as "a strong sexual or romantic feeling for someone" (merriam-webster.com). We are taught to believe that this is the only way that passion can be felt in a relationship; either sexually or via some sort of romantic endeavor. The term passion often gets exaggerated in the movies and media as a constant and somewhat illusive sensual pursuit between a man and woman; all the while not taking into account other relationships, i.e., LGBTQ.

The idea of chasing sexual and romanticized passion has become a sort of obsession, preoccupation, and ritual in our culture. It is a means of escaping into a world of constant fantasy, all the while leaving behind loved ones for a quick fix via dopamine. There are now video games where intimacy with a character on a screen can feel real. Connecting has become rather illusive in an effort to experience the rush of passion at any and all costs.

What happened to passion being related to any sort of spiritual endeavor where two people connect in a way that awakens them to the possibilities of the unknown? Where by holding hands, or a gentle touch, they feel grounded in their essence; whole and complete in their knowingness as a solid couple-ship?

When it comes to healing a relationship after there has been any sort of betrayal, learning non-sexual and sexual passion,can be both a beautiful opportunity as well as a significant challenge.

The important thing to know is that it is possible.

Having the passion I am talking about begins in the non-sexual realm. Individuals must connect non-sexually in order to have any solid foundation sexually. Many clients challenge me on this; however, once they realize that their partner responds quicker to non-sexual passion and connection, they submit to working on enhancing their non-sexual relationship with their partner. The pay off for both parties is HUGE.

The question that many couples ask is, "How can we create passion non-sexually and sexually, especially if our relationship is recovering from a betrayal?"

If there has been a betrayal in your relationship, the first, most important thing you both can do is seek professional help from an expert. That way, you both have the appropriate guidance and support you need in order to heal. Many relationships can last a betrayal IF both parties do the work.

Here are some tried and true ways that with patience, practice, and persistence, do indeed work:

1. Connect outside the bedroom. In the morning and evening, it is essential to take 20-30 mins to communicate with your partner about details outside of your relationship. This creates intimacy. This may feel mundane, but it is essential (if you don't believe me, read a John Gottman book).

2. If you are the betrayer, become attuned to your partner by asking him or her what they need and how you can support them. The relationship is not all about you so you want to make sure you are making efforts to connect with your partner. They need you in this way!

3. Listen. Really take time to listen to what your partner is saying. Stop making assumptions and over-reacting. Pay attention and respond from a grounded space. If you need time to get calm so that you can listen, take a time out. By listening, you learn to respond accurately and objectively. It also increases closeness.

4. Develop your own passions un-related to anything sexual. If you used to play music, take it up again. If you love to paint, do it. Creative energy is sensual in it's own right.

5. Don't carry the weight of your spouse's betrayal. This entails letting it go. I am not saying condone your partner's poor choices and behavior; just don't hold onto the heaviness of it anymore. Take your power back! Let your partner own the poor choices and mistakes they have made. Don't carry it for them (some addicts want you to carry their mistakes by manipulating you into thinking you have to; don't do it!).

Your relationship deserves to have passion in and out of the bedroom. For someone in recovery from relationship betrayal (which includes the spectrum from one instance of infidelity to sexual addiction, and/or other addictions) this will be a new concept that takes time and practice, a lot of therapy and support. However, if you both are invested in your recovery, it is possible!!

Remember, you are worth it... and so is your recovery!

Namasté,

Candice

NEW GROUPS! Starting in January: We will be offering gender separate 12-step support groups on a bi-weekly basis. Investment is $10 per group, 1 hour each group. A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Patrick Carnes is included. Email Candice at namasteadvice@gmail.com for details on start dates. Step groups are essential for creating lasting recovery! RSVP today!

Also, the last Tuesday of every month, regardless if you are in a relationship or not, please join Jenny Jo Tuttle, as she teaches our monthly Relationship Recovery Skills Class. Learn how to improve ALL your relationships, intimate and otherwise. Stay Tuned for Location details since we have grown out of our group room space for this popular! Next Class is Tuesday, Dec 30th, 2014, from 6-7:30 p.m. $45 per individual; $65 per couple.

Are You A Slave To Love? How To Know When You are Emotionally (etc) Chained to Someone and Set Yourself Free…

Have you ever noticed that the holidays bring out the worst in people? They exacerbate everyone's obsessions: their obsessions for shopping, gift giving, the overwhelming lines at the stores, sales, spending money, getting the "perfect gift".

They also exacerbate people's obsessions with their spouse, or their new relationship. Both men and women can be addicted to love.

ARE YOU A SLAVE TO LOVE?

How would you know if you were a slave to love? The more common term is called love addiction, or relationship, or romance addiction.

Some signs include:

1. Craving a “buzz” from romance, attention from a partner, or even sex
2. Believing the fantasy that “someday my prince or princess will rescue me”
3. Trying to figure out what your partner is thinking
4. Snooping through your partner’s phone, email, FB, etc. for information
5. Looking to see who your partner will find attractive
6. Neglecting your own needs for the needs and wants of your partner including hobbies, friendships, how you dress, where you work
7. Tolerating the intolerable in relationship for fear of being abandoned (a love addicts worst conscious fear is abandonment)
8. Trying to control your partner
9. Selling out on your wants and needs to ensure your partner is satisfied
10. Saying yes when you want to say no
11. Stalking behaviors
12. Resenting your partner when the fantasy unravels Someone that is addicted to love and relationships tends to go from one relationship to the next in hopes that their fantasy life will be fulfilled, and in an attempt to relieve any pain from their previous relationship. It becomes an escape (unfortunately they learn that they are still trapped in an addiction). Love addicts can also be in a committed relationship with someone where they feel obsessed with the other person. They often notice that they are preoccupied with their partner's every move. If this is you, take a moment and notice how much time, energy, effort you spend on another person. Ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" "What is the pay off I get from this?" You may start to notice that you are not getting the pay off you hoped for.

For folks that want to stop being addicted to a person, there is hope. Going through withdrawals is not attractive; however, as the old AA adage goes, "this too shall pass" and people eventually start to feel some inner peace.

During the withdrawal phase, it is common to experience panic, anxiety, shortness of breath, tiredness, irritability, sleeplessness, nightmares, and anedonia (not caring about anything), among other things. It is important that you get support during this phase in order to successfully free yourself of the chains of your relationship.

Here are some tips to breaking the love addicted chains that bind you:

1. Increase your structure and support: you will feel like you are withdrawing from a drug. Therefore, going to therapy and working through attachment issues, any trauma, other addictions is essential. 2. Ending any destructive friendships and relationships may be part of healing if they add to your obsession. 3. Ceasing destructive behavior that causes you preoccupation, shame, and despair.
4. If you share custody, are still married, or there are religious or other issues related to staying in a toxic relationship, it is important that you and he/her both get help (therapy, couples therapy, SLAA meetings).
5. Educate yourself on love addiction by reading books such as Pia Mellody’s Facing Love Addiction and/or Ready to Heal by Kelly McDaniel (for women).
5.Learn healthy boundaries and practice them
6.Learn tools for self soothing and reality testing when fear arises; keep a solid support network around you!
7.Abstinence from relationships (if single), including having clear boundaries re: relationships for 90-120+ days has been an effective tool as well.

As you begin to free yourself from the chains that have kept you in suffering, you will learn new ways to cope with anxiety. You will also begin to feel comfortable in your own skin, and be able to reassure yourself instead of obsessing over whether another person can reassure you.

After all, Recovery is about learning how to deal with uncomfortable feelings without having a person fill the void. Sitting in discomfort and realizing you won't die from it actually creates a sense of comfort and ease. So go for it! Break the chains, starting today! Remember, you are worth it... and so is your recovery!

Namasté,

Candice

Starting in January: We will be offering gender separate 12-step support groups on a bi-weekly basis. Investment is $10 per group, 1 hour each group. A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Patrick Carnes is included. Email Candice at namasteadvice@gmail.com for details on start dates.