Denial of Sex Addiction Hurts Our Clients

Recently the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) came out with a declarative statement claiming that they; 1) “do not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and 2)does not find the sexual addiction training and treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge. Therefore, it is the position of AASECT that linking problems related to sexual urges thoughts or behaviors to a porn/sexual addiction process cannot be advanced by AASECT as a standard of practice for sexuality education deliver, counseling, or therapy” (AASECT, 2016).

What is fascinating about this “declaration” is how it came about: http://fightthenewdrug.org/fight-new-drugs-official-response-assects-recent-statement-porn-addiction/

The tactics appear eerily similar to the tactics used by the cigarette companies- create as much  controversy as possible to keep people questioning reality. As Michael Aaron said himself, “To me, every opportunity for controversy was an opportunity….The more of a circus atmosphere the better.” http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2014/06/23/big-tobaccos-tricks-make-cigarettes-more-harmful-health-report-claims/, http://www.who.int/tobacco/media/en/TobaccoExplained.pdf

While the author of the declaration would likely argue that his intent was not what Fight The New Drug claims, you have to wonder if he or others in his camp are being honest with their motives for writing such a declaration. After all, to continue to deny all of the actual brain research that exists (numerous studies), along with the main consensus in the field of sexuality, while perpetually claiming that the training, therapies, and sex addiction therapists themselves are unethical, money mongering shamers speaks to an obvious motive. (By the way, Michael Aaron advertises on his website that he treats “sex addiction”). http://www.drmichaelaaronnyc.com/services/

When a declaration such as this is announced by an organization that claims it is open minded about all aspects of sexuality, who does it really serve? Who does it actually hurt?

Here is the truth. If you look at the actual research by neuroscientists that shows that porn and sex addiction exists you will see that porn and sex CAN be addictive: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/brain-scan-studies-porn-users; http://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/5/3/388/htm. It is important to note that these neuroscientists across the globe are not moralizing porn or sex. This is not about some religious stance. They study the brain. But, any time neuroscientists publish a study, the nay sayers come out of the woodwork.

Take for example one psychologist who came out with a study that claimed this person debunked porn addiction altogether. This study is touted by the therapists and educators who are nay sayers of the label “addiction”as being the only legitimate brain study that exists.  However, there have been several studies that have proven that this psychologist’s study was flawed and inaccurate; that this person actually proved that porn IS addictive.http://pornstudycritiques.com/uclas-span-lab-touts-empty-porn-study-as-ground-breaking/;http://pornstudycritiques.com/neural-correlates-of-sexual-cue-reactivity-in-individuals-with-and-without-compulsive-sexual-behaviours-2014-excerpt-analyzing-steele-et-al-2013/; http://www.socioaffectiveneuroscipsychol.net/index.php/snp/article/view/23833/32589;

The various sex camps, including AASECT and even some in the sex offender camp, claim that by labeling  sex as an “addiction” it pathologizes someone’s behaviors (or is an excuse that people use).  However, most researchers agree on a majority of diagnostic criteria that indicates an addiction to sex. It is not a matter of “pathologizing” someone’s symptoms but rather accurately assessing and identifying what an individual describes as being problematic. To deny someone’s symptoms is to deny an individual’s personal experience and in many cases their suffering. Especially when researchers of the various labels associated with sex addiction (i.e., compulsion, hyper- sexuality, sexual preoccupation) often agree on the symptoms and signs. For instance, a meta-analysis in the Journal of Addiction Medicine revealed that “When the literature is distilled from an atheoretical perspective, a number of consistencies emerge despite controversy in proposed etiology” (Carnes, P. J., Hopkins, T. A., & Green, B. A., 2014, p.2). As the results of this meta-analysis indicate,  regardless of the theory or label one puts on problematic sexual behavior, most of the researchers agreed on certain diagnostic criteria indicating an addiction is present.

AASECT and some other therapists purport that Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) don’t have adequate training. Yet, those individuals who make this claim don’t actually know what kind of training a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist undergoes. Our advanced training is rigorous and includes learning how to do a thorough assessment to avoid blindly labeling an individual as having a sex addiction. As licensed clinicians we receive 30 hours of consultation on top of our four modules-40 hours each- of training that take a year or longer to complete along with on-going annual trainings including ethics training, and bi-annual re-certification process.It is extensive and on-going. We are continually reminded to be mindful of our own biases, to avoid pathologizing any sexual behavior (including fetishes) and to absolutely honor and support client’s sexual preferences. We do not subscribe to unethical practices such as reparative therapy (claims that we do are absurd and offensive) but instead practice research based models such as Carnes’ Task Based Model (CBT).  Our job as CSATs is to not pathologize but to accurately assess and treat symptoms that the client deems as problematic. We explore any underlying issues that may have impacted an individual’s sexual arousal template in a way that they see as challenging or distressing. We are also encouraged to seek other training so we have a well-rounded approach to treatment since every individual brings a unique set of symptoms. Examples of advanced training that we seek includes EMDR trauma therapy, sex therapy, biofeedback/neurofeedback, family therapy, Internal Family Systems Model, and mindfulness-based stress reduction, to name a few. We are also trained to use a validated, research based assessment tool called the Sexual Dependency Inventory 4.0 which has been modeled on the MMPI’s psychometric analysis (Green, B. A., Arnau, R., Carnes, P. J., Carnes, S., & Hopkins, T. A.). http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10720162.2015.1023386; http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10720162.2015.1023386; http://cirrus.mail-list.com/atsa/72399198.html

How is it that there is so much scrutiny by AASECT over the (extensive) training sex addiction therapists receive when individuals like Michael Aaron, a sex therapist who’s not formerly trained to treat sexual addiction, can advertise as such?

When AASECT and other individuals claim that therapists who treat sex and porn addiction are in it for the money, that is a clear detraction from the real issue. It is also incredibly ironic since those of us treating individuals with an addiction to pornography know that the porn industry is actually who they speak of; after all, the porn industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. A MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. For more information on the tactics the porn industry uses to get and keep people (children included) addicted (similar to the cigarette companies), read Pornland by Gail Dines. http://gaildines.com/pornland/pornland-about-the-book/.

AASECT and other naysayers also claim that sex and porn addiction are not in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual-V (DSM-V) therefore they are not legitimate disorders. What people, professionals especially (and even more especially, insurance companies) forget is that the DSM is a field manual that acts as a guide for clinicians based on observation, but not on etiology (cause) of conditions. The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) came out with a statement in 2011: “Addiction also affects neurotransmission and interactions between cortical and hippocampal circuits and brain reward structures, such that the memory of previous exposures to rewards (such as food, sex, alcohol and other drugs) leads to a biological and behavioral response to external cues, in turn triggering craving and/or engagement in addictive behaviors” http://www.asam.org/quality-practice/definition-of-addiction. http://www.asam.org/quality-practice/guidelines-and-consensus-documents/the-asam-criteria/about. Along with this, the ICD-10 acknowledges hypersexuality as a legitimate disorder: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/add.13366/full. http://www.icd10data.com. Why would two major entities in our field acknowledge sex as being potentially addictive if it was not backed by ample research as legitimate?

The real issue that continues to be forgotten when the politics of sex is at play is that people, both men and women are suffering as a result of what they describe is an addiction to sex and/or porn. They are reporting that their marriages, work, finances, relationship with children, are in shambles because they or their partner is addicted to sex, porn, or both. To deny that either exists claiming that there is not enough research, or therapists are not adequately trained, or it’s just a moral issue, dismisses people’s personal experience. What is so interesting about the daily attacks on my profession by the nay sayers (namely sex therapists and some sex offender therapists) is that we are actually not the one’s who blindly proclaim to our clients,  “You are a sex addict or a porn addict.” If you are in the trenches day in and day out like I am, you are witness to all the men, women, and now  teens who come forward saying on their own, “I need help. I think (or I know) I am addicted to porn (and/or sex) and I can’t stop. It’s ruining my life” or “My husband (or wife or son or daughter) is addicted to porn (or sex) and we desperately need help.”

Let’s face it, denying that sex and porn is addictive when the research says otherwise hurts our clients. I have had clients who read AASECT’s declarative statement recently share with me, “How can professionals still be denying that sex addiction exists? This is real for me” and “I know I have an addiction to pornography. Regardless of what my parents told me after reading AASECT’s statement, I am still addicted to it.”

Years ago people denied that a person could get addicted to alcohol, even when people were dying as a result. Years ago people denied that cigarettes were addictive and to this day, cigarette companies continue to use their deceptive tactics. Years ago people denied that people could lose their lives as a result of having an eating disorder and what happened? People lost their lives. Gambling has just recently been acknowledged as being addictive; however, before then people were still experiencing life-altering destructive outcomes that resulted from taking such incredible financial risks.

Isn’t it time we put aside all the ridiculous politics surrounding the words “sex” and “addiction” and focus on helping people that seek support for these issues? Isn’t it time that the one sex camp that claims it is so open about sex yet can’t look at ALL aspects surrounding sexuality accepts that research doesn’t lie, that we are not all crazy, That it is a reality in our world that sex can actually be addictive? Isn’t it time that we all admit that by saying sex and porn can be or have addictive components does not in any way shape or form have to equate to anything pathological, moralizing, or shaming?

I believe that it is LONG overdue for all sex camps to come together and be unified regarding issues surrounding sex. Let’s unify our camps for the sake of those individuals who are suffering as a result of what they experience as an addiction to sex and/or porn. Let’s unify our camps so that we can stand together and help our clients who will continue knocking on our doors seeking help for this very real addiction.

IT IS TIME.

Candice Christiansen, CMHC, CSAT-S
Founder, Namasté Center for Healing and The Prevention Project.™

Carnes, P. J., Hopkins, T. A., & Green, B. A. (2014). Clinical relevance of the proposed sexual addiction diagnostic criteria: Relation to the sexual addiction screening test-revised. Journal of Addiction Medicine, 8(6), 1-12.

Green, B. A., Arnau, R., Carnes, P. J., Carnes, S., & Hopkins, T. A. (2015). Structural Congruence of the Sexual Dependency Inventory, 4th ed. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 22(2), 126-153.

"Woe is NOT You": Embracing Accountability In Your Recovery

One of the most challenging obstacles (and ultimately, opportunities) in recovery is for people to be 100% accountable for their actions, betrayals, lies, manipulations, decisions, and choices. Even after being in recovery for awhile, people often continue to struggle to be accountable; some tend to get in a cycle of perpetually blaming others for their actions.

I call this the "Woe Is Me" Syndrome. It is a form of victim stancing where a person blames everyone and everything for their acting out behaviors, including the lies and betrayal that always seem to follow.

I have spent years working with my clients on the concept that "Woe is NOT you", meaning, they are not the victims of their addictions, their lies and betrayal, their manipulation. While I understand and respect the reality that indeed nearly all the clients that come to Namasté Center for Healing and The Prevention Project™, have traumatic pasts and that most have coped via their addictive behaviors (sex, food, money, games, etc), playing the "Woe is Me" card is still a thinking error and is most often used to get sympathy, hold hostage, and even hijack their partner's anger and hurt so that the focus stays off of them.  This ultimately ends up being delayed punishment and doesn't help the person who has the addiction or their relationship. Instead, it perpetuates their addictive nightmare.

Getting 100% accountable in recovery can be new and scary. The fear of rejection, judgment, and the unknown can indeed feel overwhelming at times. Being 100% responsible, accountable, and honest for one's choices in their lapses and relapses takes an incredible amount of courage and bravery, but mainly it takes someone being able to stand tall in recovery mode and not lay down in painful addiction mode.

There are some simple steps to taking 100% accountability in one's recovery. As we teach in our Sexual & Relationship Recovery Program, there are 4 New Core Values we teach:

• Honesty (which creates...)
• Vulnerability (which creates...)
• Nurturing--Being able to ask for what you NEED (which creates...)
• Intimacy (lasting connection with one's partner and self)

Being honest is scary and oftentimes foreign. After all, many people with addictions learned early on during their upbringing to lie, to have a double life (this was even before they had an addiction). But there is freedom in being honest; the weight is lifted and people begin to see you in a new light--as working your recovery program instead of continuing the b.s. in your addiction.

Being vulnerable comes from being honest. This takes authenticity; the idea of "showing up to be seen" as Brené Brown talks about in all of her vulnerability talks. This takes a lot of practice in therapy and includes a sense of safety. So often, our inner child and inner teen are either terrified and want to hide or are reactive and thus want to come out to "protect" us from danger (this is typically a trauma response from one's past).  Therefore, people in recovery hold back from being vulnerable and either stay in a hyper-aroused state (fight or flight) or a hypo-aroused state (numb and checked out). Learning to self regulate and manage one's discomfort is a huge part of the recovery process and it also assists people in being vulnerable.

The idea of nurturing is so crucial to recovery and to being accountable. Being able to ask for what you need can be incredibly challenging for so many people. After all, most people with intimacy disorders, specifically sexual addiction, had caregivers that failed to meet their needs. Being deprived of love, among other basic needs, was often the norm. Learning to ask for what you need is crucial to being accountable for your recovery and in your recovery. It also strengthens your relationships.

Intimacy comes from being accountable in your recovery, and from being consistent. Partners learn to trust again when they see committed action and change. Closeness comes from consistency in recovery: consistently doing what it takes to be honest, accountable, responsible, humble, progressive, and ultimately sober.

Embracing Accountability in your recovery is possible if you are willing. Letting go of the "Woe is Me" syndrome and eating some humble pie is often necessary but so worth it. Experiencing this new taste of recovery can indeed be challenging, but in the long run it is absolutely life-changing.

This week, let go of the "Woe Is Me" attitude and embrace accountability in your life, with your choices, and with all of your decisions in your recovery.

And as always, know that you are worth it dear ones. :)

Aloha~

Candice

Picture: by fitplanapp.com

Copyright © Namaste Center for Healing 2016, All rights reserved.

Bracing for Impact: Life is About Rolling with the Tide

I have always been afraid of water. One of my most terrifying memories of being in the water was when I was 10 years old at a water park with my mom, aunt and cousins. I almost drowned in the Tidal Wave. As I braced for impact, the waves pushed me into the darkness. My body tensed up and as I gulped down water in between gasping for air, I was convinced I would die. Luckily someone (I don't recall who) helped me to safety. For years I avoided the water; large bodies especially. I was never a good swimmer so getting in a pool let alone ocean was daunting even with a life jacket. I also avoided snorkeling as I felt claustrophobic and panicked, holding my body tight, waiting for the inevitable fear that my body had held onto for all those years; the fear that I would drown.

My view of water changed during my recent trip to Maui.

In my search for PURE pleasure, pleasure without fear of a consequence* (*trauma survivors have a hard time relaxing and/or enjoying pleasure for fear that the other shoe will drop similar to their past when it actually did), on the first day of our trip, I decided to get in the water.

This was huge as I NEVER got in the water. I always sat on the beach or sideline watching others play. Granted I had a death grip on my partner as the waves crashed against us, some waves being bigger than others. I quickly noticed that the more I tensed up, the more it increased my fear and dread. However, if I loosened my grip, I noticed that there was a peaceful and gentle flow to the water and within me.

My fear of being in the water eventually subsided.  

In the following days, we ended up swimming and even snorkeling (I actually snorkeled!!). I had an absolute life changing experience under water. Once I quieted my mind and let my body flow with the tide, there was a peace and calmness that I had never known existed. When I was able to get out of my head and relax, focusing on my deep inhales and soft exhales underwater, I went into what felt like a meditative state. It was as though I was one with the tropical fish and sea turtles. I could have stayed down there forever. I felt as though I was back in my mother's womb.

This year indeed has been a year of me feeling like I have been bracing for impact with various tidal waves hitting my shoreline causing an internal ripple of one kind or another. And yet each lesson has taught me that growth involves tidal waves and sometimes tsunamis; waves of good and bad, positive and negative. I am learning that it is not a matter of whether or not we will be hit by a tidal wave, but when; that this is part of the ebb and flow of life. We don't have to judge it or us. We don't have to judge ourselves when we are hit by a tidal wave. We don't have to blame ourselves, claiming we should have known better or why didn't we see the tidal wave coming?

For so long I had this belief (clearly a false one) that if I meditated daily, and did/followed everything I was supposed to (being positive, focusing on good intentions and the mere act of being a good person), that bad things wouldn't happen to me.   As a trauma survivor, when big issues arise, it tends to trigger implicit memory of one's past which reignites PTSD symptoms. This had been my experience. As I kept bracing for the impact, I noticed I started to feel paralyzed. I am not one to be paralyzed.

Being in the water during that week taught me that no matter how strong the waves, I can roll with it. We all can. 

I also learned that I can only own what is mine. I am not responsible for other people's shit. You are not either. We don't have to brace ourselves and wait for someone to shit on us or clean up another person's shit for them.  We can continue to shine like the bright, beautiful stars that we are. Brilliant and fluid, loving and kind, peaceful and willing. 

That is what life is about. Life is about rolling with the tidal waves; staying fluid amidst the choppy waters.

Stay fluid dear souls. We need more fluidity in life's ocean.

*I want to take a minute to acknowledge the courageous and beautiful souls who attended my Trauma Workshop this past weekend. Powerful healing took place. My workbook will be published this fall and I am working on a meditation cd. Stay Tuned!

Aloha~

Candice

Picture: by digitalresult.com

Copyright © Namaste Center for Healing 2016, All rights reserved.

UPCOMING/ON-GOING GROUPS, CLASSES, WORKSHOPS:

MEDITATION 101 WITH CANDICE, Fridays in September. 5:30-6:15 P.M. Email for flyer or to RSVP: CANDICE@NAMASTEADVICE.COM.

Suggested Donation: $10.00 PER CLASS ($45 total for 5 weeks). 

Men's Sexual/Relationship Recovery Groups: Every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. Times vary. Go to Namasteadvice.com, Groups/Workshops for details; call 801-272-3500 to sign up.

Gender Separate Male and Female Partner Recovery Groups: Thursdays from 6-8 p.m. Call 801-272-3500 to sign up. 

Our mailing address is: office@namasteadvice.com; program: meg@namasteadvice.com

Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list

The Art of Experiencing Pure Pleasure: It is Not What You Think

Aloha,

The picture in this week's blog, a beautiful rainbow, was taken from my hotel balcony the last day of my recent trip to Maui. Sadly, the image was too big to upload on my website. However, I was able to upload it on my regular blog; you can see the picture if you sign up to receive my blog (go to our home page on the top right to sign up). To me, the picture symbolizes the epitome of pleasure and what Hawaii represents: the spirit of Aloha. Many people don't understand what Aloha actually entails.  My experience of Aloha in Maui paved the way for this week's blog post.

As Landess Kearns, Associate Editor for HuffPost Hawaii explains so eloquently in her article titled, 5 Ways to live life with more Aloha (2015), while Aloha means hello and goodbye as well as a moral code, it is also "an expression of love and a connection to nature."  Kearns adds that those who live in Hawaii know the idea of Aloha well and those that are repeat visitors are drawn to the islands because of the spirit of Aloha.

As cited in Kearns' article, the late great teacher of Hawaiian spirituality Haleaka lolani Pule described Aloha beautifully. She said that Aloha is ..."our innate sense to love things unconditionally...It's a symbiotic relationship and the acknowledgment of that symbiotic relationship that you have with everything in the universe around you and recognizing exactly your space within it."

Aloha is something that is felt, like feeling the warm hug from a loved one, or experiencing the savory taste of a delicious fruit in your mouth, or being the recipient of a kind gesture.

Aloha reminds me of how I felt in Maui as I made the mindful, intentional, and very conscious effort to experience daily pleasure and by this I am not referring to sex (although I realize that we are  sexual beings, and, as Patrick Carnes so poignantly says, "Sexuality is our most meaningful expression of our spirit. You cannot touch one without touching the other" (2009)). I am referring to something much deeper than the pleasure experienced solely from sex.

I am referring to the spirit of Aloha that lives inside each of our hearts, that gives us a sense of pure, unconditional pleasure, love, and joy.

As the owner of a very beautiful and busy healing center,  I realized that prior to going to Maui I had lost my sense of Aloha; my daily pleasures. I found myself experiencing symptoms of compassion fatigue, which is a common response experienced by many healers in the helping profession. As someone that wears many hats (business woman, forensic evaluator, and therapist to name a few), people sometimes forget that I too am a human being who has feelings. Folks at times can be downright abusive, slanderous, and mean, including making public attacks as a distraction to their own suffering. The last couple of months were fraught with this type of painful energy and while I practiced daily meditation in an attempt to stay grounded, brought in a Reiki healer to clear our work/healing space, exercised daily, attended my own therapy, and practiced my daily mindfulness techniques and reframing, by the time my trip came, all the negativity had really taken a toll on my spirit.

My spirit of Aloha, my bank account for experiencing the little  pleasures that have historically brought me peace, joy and happiness, was feeling pretty empty. I needed a deposit and fast.

For me, I needed to get away from my day to day environment. But the Spirit of Aloha, of experiencing daily pleasure, can happen where you are at any given time.

The biggest thing I learned in Maui that helped keep me connected to the spirit of Aloha (the art of pure joy and pleasure) from any location, is to take a moment and look up at the sky. I know this might sound cheesy but for me, the most consistent thing that I have, something that is always there, is the sky. Whether I am in Maui or Utah, the sky, with all of its fluid movements and artistic elegance is always above me moving along with me in each moment. Isn't that magnificent?! The beauty the sky offers, be it in the gift of the morning sunrise where the sky is filled with an array of fiery colors, or after a rain when a delicate rainbow appears, or at night, when the stars come out and all the constellations appear to remind us of the mystery of life. That is sheer pleasure! That is the spirit of Aloha. It is also really grounding.

Some may say that connecting to the earth with bare feet such as walking on grass or hugging or climbing a tree connects them to the spirit of Aloha. Connecting to earth in these ways feeds our spirits, our inner children, and believe it or not, allows us to experience pure and innocent pleasure. Try climbing a tree with your children and watch what happens!

Embracing nature is indeed a key element to staying attuned to Aloha. As I am typing this, I am outside on my patio listening to the orchestra of crickets as they play their beautiful harmonious symphony that echoes through the trees. I can hear the faint sound of thunder in the background and feel the slight breeze on my cheek. That is Aloha, that is pure pleasure. It also keeps me right here in this moment, which is very calming (for those of you reading this that have a lot of anxiety, try this).

Other ways to experience Aloha (joy and pleasure):

• Eat a piece of fruit such as an orange. Take time to slowly peel it, feeling it in your hands, then taste each bite, letting the sensation sit in your mouth for a moment before devouring it. Let yourself be present to how savory this experience is. Do it with your loved one and see what happens.
• Embrace a loved one or someone you care about in a warm, loving, kind hearted hug. Be open to giving as much as receiving.
• Cultivate strong and loving connections with people you trust. These reciprocal relationships will be life long and can give you joy, love, and so much Aloha.
• Love unconditionally. Easier said than done as we are all judgmental (I know, that is hard to swallow but true). Start by loving yourself for all your flaws and all your wonders. See yourself with the eyes of love no matter what! Watch what happens when you do it (it is pretty amazing). Then practice loving others without conditions or judgment. It is pretty amazing.
• Be optimistic; see the rainbows and silver linings in all things, even the haters, happiness-crashers, and judgers. We see what we believe so what if you changed what you believed and practiced being more positive?
• Express appreciation. If you practice gratitude every day, I promise you that your life would be full of Aloha and daily pleasure. Try this: On nights when you can't sleep, go through a list of all the things you are thankful for and let yourself fall into a deep and lasting slumber. I practice daily gratitude in a journal; I strongly encourage folks do this-the outpouring of abundance that comes is amazing!

We are living in a very challenging time in America and across the globe. Healing for all is needed now more than ever. Many folks with addiction issues are unable to regulate discomfort in their bodies so they seek out escapes via orgasm, porn, people (hookups), substances, food, video games (all of the above), etc. Regardless of the addiction or affliction you are facing, finding the spirit of Aloha, the little pleasures and joys of daily living, with love that is unconditional and lasting, will create and internal sunshine that no one can darken. This is a key part of your healing process. If you can master this, you will have lasting recovery. And with practice, your entire experience of the world around you will shift, you will have more peace, more joy, more pleasure; more Aloha.

With that being said, dear ones, always know you are worth it.

Aloha~

Candice

Picture: by candicechristiansen© 2016

Copyright © Namaste Center for Healing 2016, All rights reserved.

My mailing address is: candice@namasteadvice.com

Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list

Part 2 in a Series about Sex: "From Getting off to Getting Real"

This Friday, June 24th, my colleague Jackie Pack, CSAT and I are hosting an event for professionals and community members called "Let's Talk About It", starting the conversation about porn being a public health issue and the reality that porn addiction really exists.

However, during our three events, we will also talk about sex.  Specifically, how do we talk about healthy sexuality in a way that is palatable to youth, couples and families? Sex, after all, is about so much more than parts and gettingoff. Yet, with today's numerous hook up apps, and the obsession with social media, pop culture, and porn (violent porn now being the primary form of sex education for our youth), sex has become a matter of function, and with that comes a lot of dysfunction(Perel, E., Mating in Captivity, 2006, Audibles).

As Esther Perel discusses in her book, Mating in Captivity (2006, p. 73), "[The] emphasis on physical achievement rather than desire and pleasure goes hand in hand with the emphasis on genitals, and reinforces the dominant male orientation." She adds, "The subjective experience of sexual pleasure is replaced by....erection, intercourse, orgasm (p.73).

How can we fully experience surrender, sensuality, intimacy, and connection when we are preoccupied with the frequency, duration, and intensity of the next sexual experience? When we become so obsessed with the mechanics of sex (how often, performance, etc) instead of the actual art of sex, we invoke perpetual dysfunction in our relationships.

Maybe it is time we get off of "getting off" and get real about what sex is and how we can reclaim it. Sex is not just about function, object, or orgasm; it is not about violence or image after image of airbrushed bodies. It is not the mere act of going through the motions. Sex is about love, surrender, sensuality, intimacy, connection, vulnerability, desire, and eroticism. It involves independence, dependence, and interdependence. Real sex includes consent and choice. It involves passion and spontaneity; a dip into the unknown while fully embracing what is known.

Talking about sex needs to start young and include all the elements of sex: what love is and isn't, what consent is and isn't, what it means to really connect with someone, how to be intimate in a healthy way.

For sex/porn addicts, learning how to engage in sex with one's partner in a healthy way takes time, attention and intention, and a new focus. That focus is on their partner and connecting on a deeper level-raw, vulnerable, open with all the elements previously discussed.

Getting real about sex instead of just getting off creates lasting intimacy and connection. It starts with a conversation, one that gets to be on-going. Sex is really beautiful if it is given a chance to be experienced as such.

If you haven't signed up for our June 24th event, whether you are a professional wanting to come for CEs, or a community member wanting to attend our free evening event, trust me, it will be worth your while. Join us and let's start this very important conversation about sex.

In case you forgot, remember,  you are worth it.

Namasté,

Candice

*This blog is based on Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity (2006). 

Check out what's happening at Namasté~ 

JUNE 24TH PROFESSIONALS EVENT: Earn CEs: Email meg@namasteadvice.com for a flyer! Come listen to expert neurosurgeon Dr. Don Hilton talk about Porn Addiction as a Public Health Issue and how to talk to your clients about healthy sexuality.JUNE 24th FREE COMMUNITY EVENT: Email meg@namasteadvice.com for a flyer and learn ways to protect your family from porn in a porn culture. Dr. Hilton will speak at this event as well; Fight the New Drug, Jackie Pack and I will do a panel discussion on healthy sexuality.

JULY 16, 17TH: Mastering the Trauma Wound Weekend Workshop with Candice and Cari. Come learn how trauma has impacted your brain and body, as well as simple mindfulness based tools for healing your mind, body and spirit!  Only seven seats available! RSVP (or for a flyer): candice@namasteadvice.com; cari@namasteadvice.com.

COMING IN AUGUST:  "Embracing Desire and Eroticism as a Couple" A Workshop for Couples; Facilitated by Candice and Cari....stay tuned for details!

Picture: by pinterest.com

Copyright © Namaste Center for Healing 2016, All rights reserved.

Our mailing address is: candice@namasteadvice.com

Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list