Happy...Holidays? How to keep the true meaning of Holiday "Spirit" alive in Your Recovery

Last night I watched a documentary-type show called "Digital Love Industry". It discussed the multitude of changes nowadays in the way we view relationships, sex, and love as a result of technological advances (social media as well as cyber-worlds). Rob Weiss, who is one of the country's leading experts on cyber-sex and the digital age, talked about cyber-reality being a part of our lives, and instead of judging it, he suggested we learn to observe it and try to understand it. After all, he pointed out, it isn't going away...

What appears to have gone away, however, is "the spirit" that we used to feel with these special occasions. Have we lost how to be truly present with and for ourselves so that we can also be present with and for our loved ones? This seems to be the case, especially during the holidays... We indeed have lost something....

When I was growing up, decorating the house for the holidays was a family tradition. My dad would play traditional holiday music on our record player (i.e., Tony Bennett, The Nutcracker) while we would adorn the house with holiday decorations.

Thanksgiving was a special occasion of having friends and family fill the house with love, laughter, and traditional German-American food. Granted, I grew up with an alcoholic parent so not all of my holidays were filled with these pleasantries.

However, of the ones I do remember that were happy, we did not have the distraction of escaping into the outside world in the way that we do today. Yes, we had television, but  most of our time was filled with play; imagining tales of wonder with our siblings, cousins, friends. In my case, this imaginary "escape" during childhood, of playing over the holidays, kept my spirit alive, as I am sure it did for many of us.

Where did our spirit go?

Many of you reading this likely had upbringings similar to mine, where the holidays were not always pleasant or fun. In fact, many of you may only remember the painful sensations and memories of the holiday season. After all, most of us tend to fall back into certain "roles" when we return to our families of origin. This, in and of itself, can be painful. For some, finding ways to escape or check out, via daydreaming, fantasy, television, substances, spending, sex, gambling, apps, sugar (and/or food), going in a mental "zone", or social media, may likely still be your vice.

Here's the thing: you can escape if you want to. You really do have that choice. But, if you are truly immersed in recovery, you will likely have an internal battle going on between your addict voice and your functional self, FS (your voice of reason). Yes, there is that part of you, your FS, that wants you to be completely awake, to operate differently this season.

Your functional, authentic self is tapping into your true spirit and wants to keep you alive and well. Deep down, you know this is what you deserve; to be fully present to yourself and your loved ones, especially now that you are awake.

This week especially,  you have the beautiful opportunity to do things differently than in years past. YOU CAN BE (or stay) SOBER! This may mean you have to go to some extra AA, SAA, COSA,CODA, OA etc. meetings and reach out to your group and therapist more for support.

This may mean you drive separately to family gatherings so that if you need to leave due to emotional triggers, you can. This may mean giving yourself permission to show up as who you truly are. After all,  You are the holiday spirit; it is inside of each of us.

It is in this way that you will feel your spirit, and the spirit of the holidays, like never before!

Oh, and in case you forgot, you are WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

RELATIONSHIP RECOVERY CLASS IS THIS TUESDAY NIGHT.  Jenny Jo is our fabulous facilitator. Time: 6-7:30 p.m. She will be discussing couples' attachment styles and how they impact you in your relationship (especially when there is an intimacy disorder, since sex, love, relationship addiction are all attachment disorders) RSVP: namasteadvice@gmail.com or 801-272-3500.

The "Third Wheel": How 2 + 1 = ZERO in Relationships

In Wired for Love (2011), Stan Tatkin, PsyD, discusses the following equation as a clear identifier of obstacles and challenges in relationships(ch. 7, p.119-137): 2 +1 = ZERO . This equation is related to a third party that an individual brings into the relationship, whether it is an outside person, place, task, situation, addiction, or thing. This third party, what I call "the third wheel", typically causes havoc in  relationships, and in some cases, can destroy it.

For those individuals that are living with an addiction, the third wheel is the actual substance, affair partner, money, food, work, sex, porn, shopping, spending, gambling, friends, gaming, etc. etc. Regardless of what the addiction is, the person that has it must recognize that they are cheating on their loved on with the third wheel.Hence, 2 + 1 = ZERO. Nothing good can come from a third wheel such as an addiction being in a relationship. After all, it clearly detracts  a person from the core values and principles of their primary relationship.How can you focus 100% on your loved ones if you are taking risks via a dangerous third wheel?

Oftentimes, self-help books focus more on the equation in a relationship needing to be 1 + 1= 2, claiming that you must be your whole self in order to be in a healthy relationship with another. While other self help books talk about codependency and the struggle for folks that view relationships with the equation: 1/2 + 1/2 = 1; meaning that they do not feel like a whole and complete person without their partner.

In reality, people tend to waiver between how they view their relationship equation based on their attachment style; sometimes they may feel like a whole, secure person, while at other times, they may feel needy of their spouse to help them feel complete and safe. An addict, however, tends to follow the equation:2 + 1 = 2,  thinking they can lead a double life, keeping their third wheel locked in a mental compartment. They separate their double life from that of being a good father or good mother, a husband or a wife, a colleague, co-worker, boss, etc.

They don't realize, until their spouse or partner catches them with the third wheel, that 2 + 1 actually equals ZERO. This is often when folks end up in my office; as a result of a threat of their partner leaving them.Interestingly enough, we all tend to have third wheels; some are healthy,  while others are not. For instance, American culture promotes being addicted to work, success, and money as a means for attaining the most desirable social status.

In contrast, a "healthy third wheel" entails ones' children, some family members, and healthy friendships. So how can you have a healthy equation in your life and relationships? First, notice the things in your life that matter; your top priorities (i.e., your family, marriage, health, recovery). Write them down.

Next, identify the things that keep you from focusing on your top priorities. These are your third wheels. Then, come up with some ways to make your top priorities number one (i.e., attend therapy, read an inspiring book, go to a support group, exercise, meet with a nutritionist).

Finally, track your progress. The best way to do this is to talk to your partner, therapist, closest ally; after all, they are the closest people to you and can tell you firsthand where you are improving and where you continue to struggle.

Your relationship equation deserves to be healthy; it deserves to "add up." This week, make a conscious effort to calculate the health of your relationship and get rid of any third wheels.

Please remember, no matter what the equation, that you are ALWAYS worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

New Men's Sexual Recovery Group: Facing I with Jenny Jo Tuttle, LCSW, CSAT-C, Expert on treating multiple addictions including intimacy disorders! WHEN? Weekly on Tuesdays.  from 6-7:30 p.m. RSVP to namasteadvice@gmail.com. The Facing The Shadow Workbook can be purchased at our office for $30. We look forward to offering you support in your recovery!

Addiction: To Die or Not To Die?

Over the last several weeks, I have watched Brittany Maynard's interviews as well as read articles about her daily struggles with terminal brain cancer. The 29 year old was given 6 months to live after being diagnosed. She decided she wanted to die her way instead of having the cancer take her on it's terms. So, on November 1st, 2014 in her Oregon home, she ended her own life with her loved ones by her side. Regardless of what any of us believe about the controversial debate over the right to die movement, Brittany's choice to leave this world her way and on her terms left me to pause and wonder:

Can each of us choose what we want to let "die" in our lives?

As a clinician, I am passionate about helping people with trauma and addictions (to sex, love, relationships, food, work, money, and substances) learn how to let their addiction and traumatic past "die", so that they are able to re-birth that part of themselves that they have forgotten.

Addicts have a tendency to want to cling to their addiction, finding an illusive comfort in the suffering it has caused them. Their brain has literally been re-wired to feel as though the drama and chaos is normal, when indeed it is not. Family and loved ones look at them as though they are crazy for doing and saying things that are out of their character.

Sadly, the life they have given their addiction is indeed like a cancer; it eats away at a person's value system, moral compass, relationships, finances, work; everything.  Addicts and family members begin to feel powerless, helpless, and out of control, unsure if there will ever be a "cure". They think "No one will ever be able to stop this monster from eating away at our family."

To this I say,

YES! YOU CAN.

You and your loved ones can absolutely learn healthy ways to let this disease (dis-ease) and discomfort "die", while learning the tools (mental chemotherapy) to rebirth WHO YOU TRULY ARE.

I realize that this is easier said than done, especially because folks with addictions are dealing with a brain disease. For instance, process disorders (food, sex, money, work) produce chemical stimulation that is already in the brain (i.e., sex creates over 100% dopamine in the brain), while substances are ingested to create a high that alters the brain's normal functioning (meth creates 1000% dopamine in the brain; cigarettes create over 100%).

However, with the following tools, you and your loved ones can re-birth a new experience, a new opportunity to heal what this "cancer" has taken. These tools include:

Education, On-Going Support, Practice, and Perseverance

Education: You and your loved one need to know the what, how and why of the addiction, meaning you need to understand what it is, how it formed, and why, along with what specific tools are needed so that this disease doesn't come back. It is crucial that the addict and their loved ones get treatment so that the system can heal; the system often becomes sick trying to manage the addict and their disease.

On-Going Support: Weekly individual and group therapy are crucial for learning new ways of coping. Having a safe place to share your experience with someone who understands is key. Only telling people you know and trust is important since some people do not understand and might judge you and your loved one in your struggle.

Practice: You and your loved ones must practice the new skills and tools you are learning in therapy. This is the ONLY way that your brain will rewire. If you want to be a great baseball player or skier, you can't take one lesson then think you will be a pro. You must practice new ways of coping so that your brain will go towards that skill instead of back to it's old ways.

Perseverance: Recovery from anything is HARD. Some days you may want to give up. Learning new ways of thinking and behaving can feel daunting. DON'T GIVE UP! The death of your addiction guarantees you a REBIRTH of the life you deserve; a new life! When you are struggling, reach out to those that understand and can guide you back to  recovery thinking.

Brittany Maynard indeed created a new perspective on the right to die debate, by choosing to die on her terms. Some may not agree with this, but what I am left with regarding her choice is a metaphor for dying related to addiction and recovery: Can you let your addiction "die" so that you can live the life you deserve?

You are rebirthing and so worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

LOOK! New Men's Sexual Recovery Group: Facing I with Jenny Jo Tuttle, LCSW, CSAT-C, Expert on treating multiple addictions including intimacy disorders! WHEN? Next Tuesday, November, 11, from 6-7:30 p.m. RSVP to namasteadvice@gmail.com. We have 7 seats available. The Facing The Shadow Workbook can be purchased at our office for $30. We look forward to offering you support and recovery!

When You Say “I Love You”, Who Are You Really Saying It To?

Deepak Chopra, in his wonderful book The Path To Love (1997) talks about the path to love "never being about externals"; he says that who you are with " is a mirror of who you are on the inside" (p. 4). He adds, "When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself" (p.4). It is so interesting how hard it is to see the mirror that our partner holds up that represents the good, bad, ugly and beautiful about ourselves. How hard it is for us to accept what we want to deny and yet how easy it is to blame our partner's for our misfortune and pain.

The path to love is not an "accidental occurrence but rather a very spiritual journey of seeking our true selves" (p.5). It is a great opportunity to reunite with our spirit once again. By denying this journey towards self love, we cheat ourselves out of true healing and growth.

Many of us have lost our sense of knowing who we are; our spirit self, or rather, our higher self. Falling in love is a means to regaining a sense of who we truly are from a pure space of BE-ingness; free of judgment and stories, of shoulds and can'ts.

As we "fall in love", we actually rekindle our connection with our highest selves, thus we really fall in love with our own spirit.

Saying, "I love you" to our partner or spouse is really a way of saying it to ourselves. After all, we can only truly love another as much as we love ourselves. This is something to be mindful of, especially if you have a tendency towards self hatred and self judgment.

The reality is, if we don't love ourselves, we cannot fully love others the way they deserve to be loved. Even if we "think" we are loving them, we are only loving them as much as we allow ourselves to have self-love.

The next time you say, "I love you" about or to your loved one(s), notice if you can connect with who you are really saying it to. Can you let yourself love YOU as much as you claim to love another person?

We are born to experience ourselves in our purist forms, as beings of pure love, innocent from life's daily occurrences. Self Love, my dear ones, is how we start to recover our true essence. Practice loving kindness with yourself. You are SO worth it!

Namasté.

Candice

How to Identify Your Attachment Style as a Sex Addict and Improve Security in Your Relationships

We know the following about sex addiction: It is an intimacy disorder, a dissociative disorder, a brain disease, and surprisingly (or not so much) it is not actually about sex. We also know that it is an attachment disorder that begins in childhood.

There is a biological need in the human brain that is responsible for creating as well as regulating our connection to our attachment figures. The Attachment Founders in the fifties and sixties, Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, asserted that the connection between infant and caretaker was just as important for a child’s survival as was food, water, shelter (Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, p. 23). This was coming off of the heels of a generation that warned against “coddling” children, along with avoiding giving too much attention to infants, and promoted letting them “cry for hours and train them to eat on a strict schedule” (Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, p. 22).

Research has consistently shown that based on our upbringing as well as environmental factors, how we each form bonds varies. Some become securely attached to their primary caregivers, while others form anxious attachments, and still others form avoidant attachments. Understanding one’s attachment style is useful in understanding how and why people behave the way they do in their most intimate relationships.

According to Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller (2010),

“Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships and worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness (p. 8).”

For those with intimacy disorders, not surprisingly, most have anxious or avoidant attachment styles. What is the reason for this?

We know that over 70% of individuals with sexual addiction come from rigid, authoritarian, and disengaged households where addiction is already present among family members (Carnes, P. Facing the Shadows, 2010, p. 5). For individuals that grew up in a perceived dangerous, high intensity environment, it was likely not safe to feel what they were feeling, let alone invest time, energy or effort on their caregiver because of fear that the attachment to them may end abruptly. Therefore, someone with an avoidant attachment style developed survival skills of detachment including mentally/physically checking out.

For individuals that grew up in an environment riddled with hyper vigilance and control from a caregiver, they may have learned to stay close to their attachment figure for fear that if they strayed too far, something bad might happen. They tend to feel overly sensitive and hyper-aroused at the slightest hint that something is wrong, therefore having an anxious attachment style (Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, p. 13).

For individuals who have an avoidant attachment style, they tend to have “Love Avoidant” behavior, where they tend to operate off of a “catch and release” mentality, withdrawing from their partners when they feel vulnerable. This is a result of them not feeling comfortable having any needs, as well as asking for what they need, and having their needs be met consistently. All of this tends to stem from childhood. However, some of this behavior is perpetuated by adult situations. Therefore, individuals with avoidant attachment styles dismiss having needs at all and “move on” to other people and things (i.e., sex, drugs, food, substances) before being rejected. While females with sex addiction at times will present as having characteristics of love avoidance, more male sex addicts tend to present with this type of attachment style.

For individuals who have an anxious attachment style, they tend to have “Love Addicted” behavior, where they cling to their partner, fearing that if they have any space, the relationship will end and their partner will find someone else. They often have a keen sense of when anything is wrong in the relationship which increases them feeling hyper-aroused, and often causes them to reach out to their partner obsessively for reassurance (text, call, email, etc.). They often need constant reassurance from their partner that the relationship is ok and are very sensitive to any signs of rejection. They have a difficult time asking for what they need from their partner (Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, pg. 93). Oftentimes female sex addicts present as having this type of attachment style; however, males do at times present as anxiously attached as well.

There are specific types of problematic sexual behavior that tend to correspond to each attachment style. For instance, many individuals who are addicted to pornography tend to have an avoidant attachment style and present as love avoidant. Pornography acts as an escape into a fantasy world where the addict believes they can still get their sexual needs met without having to deal with being vulnerable or rejected. This type of coping, viewing pornography, creates a delusion for the addict that by living in fantasy world, they will escape the difficult emotions and life situations that cause them to seek this type of escape to begin with. Unfortunately, this is often not the case, particularly if and when spouses and loved ones find out about the addiction.

In contrast, individuals who have long standing affairs, have one relationship after another, or who engage in certain exhibitionistic behavior (i.e., stripping, prostitution, escorting) tend to have an anxious attachment style. They seek approval, validation and a sense of feeling worthwhile by having multiple (even if fleeting) relationships. While they may experience a sense of comfort from having multiple relationships or one that is longterm, they tend to create a self-fulfilling prophecy of being anxious and ultimately alone.

Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often have a hard time with someone who is anxiously attached, mainly because they “squelch intimacy” by creating “deactivating strategies” to cause distance (Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, pg. 116). Some examples of a deactivating strategy includes the following beliefs and actions: “I am not ready to commit”, “I haven’t found the right one”; flirting with others, keeping secrets, and avoiding closeness (Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, pg. 117). They push people away as a result of their own internal discomfort, especially if their partner acts clingy and needs reassurance. They struggle to be in relationships for a long period of time and as a result make up the highest percentage of individuals in the dating world (Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, pg. 94).

Is it possible for an anxiously attached person or an avoidant attached person with an intimacy disorder to become securely attached to someone who has a secure attachment style? And if so, how?

Individuals with intimacy disorders who have anxious or avoidant attachment styles can learn how to attach to securely attached individuals. It takes time but is possible.

At Namasté Center for Healing, a big part of our treatment approach is helping individuals with intimacy disorders (sexual addiction, sexual addiction-sex offender potential, sexual anorexia) understand their attachment styles and work to improve their ability to feel securely attached in their relationships. We do this via individual and our weekly therapy groups via education.

For instance:

Anxiously attached individuals do well with securely attached partners because securely attached people (from Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, pg. 97):

“… are comfortable with closeness and don’t try to push you away” “… are consistent and reliable and won’t send mixed messages when you are upset” “… see your well being as top priority” “… feel comfortable telling you how they feel” “… are very stable; they also feel comfortable with commitment.”

When an anxiously attached partner is feeling needy and dependent, their securely attached partner comforts them, is consistent, and offers loving support. This decreases their fears about the relationship and in time creates a sense of lasting ease and comfort in the relationship;hence, secure attachment.

Avoidant attached individuals may struggle at first with being with securely attached individuals, mistaking the security and normalcy they feel as “boring.” However, if they can begin to identify when they are implementing deactivating strategies such as pushing their partner away, and learn to manage their internal discomfort with being close, they will likely feel more comfortable being in the relationship. Along with this, focusing on mutual support instead of focusing so much on self-reliance is crucial so that the partner does not have to work so hard. Mutual support allows both individuals to feel comfortable doing their own thing knowing they are in it together(Levine,A., Heller, R., Attached, pg. 128).

Anxiously attached individuals do not do well with avoidant attached individuals because their anxiety is constantly triggered by an avoidant because they tend to distance themselves when the anxiously attached person needs reassurance and closeness. They also send mixed messages which to an anxiously attached person feels like rejection. As a result, anxiously attached individuals often feel crazy when in reality their attachment system is constantly activated, which at times can be mistaken for passionate love, when it is not (Levine, A., Heller, R. Attached, pg. 93).

By understanding one’s attachment style, individuals, especially those with intimacy disorders, can begin to learn how to be in a relationship with their partner by asking for what they need, sitting with discomfort, practicing mutual support, focusing on the positives of the relationship, and self-soothing in healthy ways. This takes consistent practice and often involves partners also understanding their attachment styles and being involved in the treatment process, but is well worth it in the long-run.