Finding Your Silver Lining In Your Recovery

The movie "Silver Linings Playbook" with Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence left the movie-goer with a profound sense that there indeed are silver linings in life, regardless of how harsh one's circumstances. It is about looking for them. The multi-layered story-line explores the silver lining that comes out of Brad's characters' mental illness, his love addiction, as well as his wife's infidelity. Similarly, Jennifer's character finds the silver lining in her grief and loss, and both people find their silver lining by accepting new love, healing family dysfunction, and realizing the importance of having hope, forgiveness, and unconditional love.

Like these two characters in this powerful movie, there are so many opportunities to see the silver lining in one's recovery; however, when you are in it, it feels quite the contrary. Life can really suck at times. Along with this, many people want to skip the lessons that are woven into the silver lining and instead expect to get gold... This can be a set up for much disappointment.

In A Gentle Path through the Twelve Principles (2012), Patrick Carnes states, "When we were enmeshed in our addiction, we made a mess of our life--and, almost certainly others' lives as well. Paradoxically, in recovery we summon the courage to make a mess of things again, but in a positive way (p. 148)."

We have to work our way to having the gold by experiencing the many lessons that accompany all the  silver linings. If we don't, we miss out on the amazing opportunities to learn about our families of origin, ourselves, our addictive thoughts, feelings, and actions, and do things differently.

Might that be the silver lining? That life is indeed messy and once we take that courageous leap (or even step) into our recovery, the messy we feel is healthy? After all, we are re-training our brains to think, feel, and act in healthier, less destructive ways that we are not used to. Therefore, we may be clumsy, emotional, vulnerable, and awkward for awhile, and that is ok!

As Bob Proctor states, "We will stumble and fall in the learning process, but success can only be reached when we are prepared to take those steps, all of them, even the ones where we fail" (Carnes, P. 2012, p. 149).

That is how we learn, through silver linings. If life was rosy and paved in gold, we would never grow. I realize this is extremely hard for folks that are new to recovery from anything. However, it is imperative to accepting that even though recovery is messy and hard, the silver linings are endless. One more day sober is better than the rest of your life in your love, relationship, sex, drug, alcohol, food, work, financial, etc. addiction.

So, this week: look for the silver linings in your life, especially in your recovery (from anything!). It may be simple and easy to miss, but in every messy, troublesome, stressful, disturbing or upsetting situation, there is ALWAYS a silver lining. I promise you.  It may be small, but it is still significant and for many, the only thing that gets people through their day at times.

One silver lining might be that you took the time out of your hectic day to focus on your recovery by reading my recovery blog. Way to go!

You are SO Worth It! Please don't ever forget that!

Namasté and Happiest of Holidays to you and yours. May we embrace all our blessings, more silver linings,  and even some gold;)

Candice

Upcoming Events:

• This Week~ We are collecting cans of food for the Food Bank; if you want to donate, we would greatly appreciate it. We will be taking our donations to the Food Bank on Dec 24th. • Tuesday, December 30th from 6:15-7:45 p.m. Candice and Jenny Jo will be facilitating The Relationship Recovery Class focusing on the famous work of Drs John and Julie Gottman; the leading experts on Couples Therapy. We will incorporate a discussion of attachment (which is only one part of addictive behaviors). Location will be emailed again to everyone next Monday; if you want to come and aren't on our email, please contact Candice: namasteadvice@gmail.com.

Are You A Slave To Love? How To Know When You are Emotionally (etc) Chained to Someone and Set Yourself Free…

Have you ever noticed that the holidays bring out the worst in people? They exacerbate everyone's obsessions: their obsessions for shopping, gift giving, the overwhelming lines at the stores, sales, spending money, getting the "perfect gift".

They also exacerbate people's obsessions with their spouse, or their new relationship. Both men and women can be addicted to love.

ARE YOU A SLAVE TO LOVE?

How would you know if you were a slave to love? The more common term is called love addiction, or relationship, or romance addiction.

Some signs include:

1. Craving a “buzz” from romance, attention from a partner, or even sex
2. Believing the fantasy that “someday my prince or princess will rescue me”
3. Trying to figure out what your partner is thinking
4. Snooping through your partner’s phone, email, FB, etc. for information
5. Looking to see who your partner will find attractive
6. Neglecting your own needs for the needs and wants of your partner including hobbies, friendships, how you dress, where you work
7. Tolerating the intolerable in relationship for fear of being abandoned (a love addicts worst conscious fear is abandonment)
8. Trying to control your partner
9. Selling out on your wants and needs to ensure your partner is satisfied
10. Saying yes when you want to say no
11. Stalking behaviors
12. Resenting your partner when the fantasy unravels Someone that is addicted to love and relationships tends to go from one relationship to the next in hopes that their fantasy life will be fulfilled, and in an attempt to relieve any pain from their previous relationship. It becomes an escape (unfortunately they learn that they are still trapped in an addiction). Love addicts can also be in a committed relationship with someone where they feel obsessed with the other person. They often notice that they are preoccupied with their partner's every move. If this is you, take a moment and notice how much time, energy, effort you spend on another person. Ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" "What is the pay off I get from this?" You may start to notice that you are not getting the pay off you hoped for.

For folks that want to stop being addicted to a person, there is hope. Going through withdrawals is not attractive; however, as the old AA adage goes, "this too shall pass" and people eventually start to feel some inner peace.

During the withdrawal phase, it is common to experience panic, anxiety, shortness of breath, tiredness, irritability, sleeplessness, nightmares, and anedonia (not caring about anything), among other things. It is important that you get support during this phase in order to successfully free yourself of the chains of your relationship.

Here are some tips to breaking the love addicted chains that bind you:

1. Increase your structure and support: you will feel like you are withdrawing from a drug. Therefore, going to therapy and working through attachment issues, any trauma, other addictions is essential. 2. Ending any destructive friendships and relationships may be part of healing if they add to your obsession. 3. Ceasing destructive behavior that causes you preoccupation, shame, and despair.
4. If you share custody, are still married, or there are religious or other issues related to staying in a toxic relationship, it is important that you and he/her both get help (therapy, couples therapy, SLAA meetings).
5. Educate yourself on love addiction by reading books such as Pia Mellody’s Facing Love Addiction and/or Ready to Heal by Kelly McDaniel (for women).
5.Learn healthy boundaries and practice them
6.Learn tools for self soothing and reality testing when fear arises; keep a solid support network around you!
7.Abstinence from relationships (if single), including having clear boundaries re: relationships for 90-120+ days has been an effective tool as well.

As you begin to free yourself from the chains that have kept you in suffering, you will learn new ways to cope with anxiety. You will also begin to feel comfortable in your own skin, and be able to reassure yourself instead of obsessing over whether another person can reassure you.

After all, Recovery is about learning how to deal with uncomfortable feelings without having a person fill the void. Sitting in discomfort and realizing you won't die from it actually creates a sense of comfort and ease. So go for it! Break the chains, starting today! Remember, you are worth it... and so is your recovery!

Namasté,

Candice

Starting in January: We will be offering gender separate 12-step support groups on a bi-weekly basis. Investment is $10 per group, 1 hour each group. A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Patrick Carnes is included. Email Candice at namasteadvice@gmail.com for details on start dates.

Happy...Holidays? How to keep the true meaning of Holiday "Spirit" alive in Your Recovery

Last night I watched a documentary-type show called "Digital Love Industry". It discussed the multitude of changes nowadays in the way we view relationships, sex, and love as a result of technological advances (social media as well as cyber-worlds). Rob Weiss, who is one of the country's leading experts on cyber-sex and the digital age, talked about cyber-reality being a part of our lives, and instead of judging it, he suggested we learn to observe it and try to understand it. After all, he pointed out, it isn't going away...

What appears to have gone away, however, is "the spirit" that we used to feel with these special occasions. Have we lost how to be truly present with and for ourselves so that we can also be present with and for our loved ones? This seems to be the case, especially during the holidays... We indeed have lost something....

When I was growing up, decorating the house for the holidays was a family tradition. My dad would play traditional holiday music on our record player (i.e., Tony Bennett, The Nutcracker) while we would adorn the house with holiday decorations.

Thanksgiving was a special occasion of having friends and family fill the house with love, laughter, and traditional German-American food. Granted, I grew up with an alcoholic parent so not all of my holidays were filled with these pleasantries.

However, of the ones I do remember that were happy, we did not have the distraction of escaping into the outside world in the way that we do today. Yes, we had television, but  most of our time was filled with play; imagining tales of wonder with our siblings, cousins, friends. In my case, this imaginary "escape" during childhood, of playing over the holidays, kept my spirit alive, as I am sure it did for many of us.

Where did our spirit go?

Many of you reading this likely had upbringings similar to mine, where the holidays were not always pleasant or fun. In fact, many of you may only remember the painful sensations and memories of the holiday season. After all, most of us tend to fall back into certain "roles" when we return to our families of origin. This, in and of itself, can be painful. For some, finding ways to escape or check out, via daydreaming, fantasy, television, substances, spending, sex, gambling, apps, sugar (and/or food), going in a mental "zone", or social media, may likely still be your vice.

Here's the thing: you can escape if you want to. You really do have that choice. But, if you are truly immersed in recovery, you will likely have an internal battle going on between your addict voice and your functional self, FS (your voice of reason). Yes, there is that part of you, your FS, that wants you to be completely awake, to operate differently this season.

Your functional, authentic self is tapping into your true spirit and wants to keep you alive and well. Deep down, you know this is what you deserve; to be fully present to yourself and your loved ones, especially now that you are awake.

This week especially,  you have the beautiful opportunity to do things differently than in years past. YOU CAN BE (or stay) SOBER! This may mean you have to go to some extra AA, SAA, COSA,CODA, OA etc. meetings and reach out to your group and therapist more for support.

This may mean you drive separately to family gatherings so that if you need to leave due to emotional triggers, you can. This may mean giving yourself permission to show up as who you truly are. After all,  You are the holiday spirit; it is inside of each of us.

It is in this way that you will feel your spirit, and the spirit of the holidays, like never before!

Oh, and in case you forgot, you are WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

RELATIONSHIP RECOVERY CLASS IS THIS TUESDAY NIGHT.  Jenny Jo is our fabulous facilitator. Time: 6-7:30 p.m. She will be discussing couples' attachment styles and how they impact you in your relationship (especially when there is an intimacy disorder, since sex, love, relationship addiction are all attachment disorders) RSVP: namasteadvice@gmail.com or 801-272-3500.

Addiction: To Die or Not To Die?

Over the last several weeks, I have watched Brittany Maynard's interviews as well as read articles about her daily struggles with terminal brain cancer. The 29 year old was given 6 months to live after being diagnosed. She decided she wanted to die her way instead of having the cancer take her on it's terms. So, on November 1st, 2014 in her Oregon home, she ended her own life with her loved ones by her side. Regardless of what any of us believe about the controversial debate over the right to die movement, Brittany's choice to leave this world her way and on her terms left me to pause and wonder:

Can each of us choose what we want to let "die" in our lives?

As a clinician, I am passionate about helping people with trauma and addictions (to sex, love, relationships, food, work, money, and substances) learn how to let their addiction and traumatic past "die", so that they are able to re-birth that part of themselves that they have forgotten.

Addicts have a tendency to want to cling to their addiction, finding an illusive comfort in the suffering it has caused them. Their brain has literally been re-wired to feel as though the drama and chaos is normal, when indeed it is not. Family and loved ones look at them as though they are crazy for doing and saying things that are out of their character.

Sadly, the life they have given their addiction is indeed like a cancer; it eats away at a person's value system, moral compass, relationships, finances, work; everything.  Addicts and family members begin to feel powerless, helpless, and out of control, unsure if there will ever be a "cure". They think "No one will ever be able to stop this monster from eating away at our family."

To this I say,

YES! YOU CAN.

You and your loved ones can absolutely learn healthy ways to let this disease (dis-ease) and discomfort "die", while learning the tools (mental chemotherapy) to rebirth WHO YOU TRULY ARE.

I realize that this is easier said than done, especially because folks with addictions are dealing with a brain disease. For instance, process disorders (food, sex, money, work) produce chemical stimulation that is already in the brain (i.e., sex creates over 100% dopamine in the brain), while substances are ingested to create a high that alters the brain's normal functioning (meth creates 1000% dopamine in the brain; cigarettes create over 100%).

However, with the following tools, you and your loved ones can re-birth a new experience, a new opportunity to heal what this "cancer" has taken. These tools include:

Education, On-Going Support, Practice, and Perseverance

Education: You and your loved one need to know the what, how and why of the addiction, meaning you need to understand what it is, how it formed, and why, along with what specific tools are needed so that this disease doesn't come back. It is crucial that the addict and their loved ones get treatment so that the system can heal; the system often becomes sick trying to manage the addict and their disease.

On-Going Support: Weekly individual and group therapy are crucial for learning new ways of coping. Having a safe place to share your experience with someone who understands is key. Only telling people you know and trust is important since some people do not understand and might judge you and your loved one in your struggle.

Practice: You and your loved ones must practice the new skills and tools you are learning in therapy. This is the ONLY way that your brain will rewire. If you want to be a great baseball player or skier, you can't take one lesson then think you will be a pro. You must practice new ways of coping so that your brain will go towards that skill instead of back to it's old ways.

Perseverance: Recovery from anything is HARD. Some days you may want to give up. Learning new ways of thinking and behaving can feel daunting. DON'T GIVE UP! The death of your addiction guarantees you a REBIRTH of the life you deserve; a new life! When you are struggling, reach out to those that understand and can guide you back to  recovery thinking.

Brittany Maynard indeed created a new perspective on the right to die debate, by choosing to die on her terms. Some may not agree with this, but what I am left with regarding her choice is a metaphor for dying related to addiction and recovery: Can you let your addiction "die" so that you can live the life you deserve?

You are rebirthing and so worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

LOOK! New Men's Sexual Recovery Group: Facing I with Jenny Jo Tuttle, LCSW, CSAT-C, Expert on treating multiple addictions including intimacy disorders! WHEN? Next Tuesday, November, 11, from 6-7:30 p.m. RSVP to namasteadvice@gmail.com. We have 7 seats available. The Facing The Shadow Workbook can be purchased at our office for $30. We look forward to offering you support and recovery!

When You Say “I Love You”, Who Are You Really Saying It To?

Deepak Chopra, in his wonderful book The Path To Love (1997) talks about the path to love "never being about externals"; he says that who you are with " is a mirror of who you are on the inside" (p. 4). He adds, "When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself" (p.4). It is so interesting how hard it is to see the mirror that our partner holds up that represents the good, bad, ugly and beautiful about ourselves. How hard it is for us to accept what we want to deny and yet how easy it is to blame our partner's for our misfortune and pain.

The path to love is not an "accidental occurrence but rather a very spiritual journey of seeking our true selves" (p.5). It is a great opportunity to reunite with our spirit once again. By denying this journey towards self love, we cheat ourselves out of true healing and growth.

Many of us have lost our sense of knowing who we are; our spirit self, or rather, our higher self. Falling in love is a means to regaining a sense of who we truly are from a pure space of BE-ingness; free of judgment and stories, of shoulds and can'ts.

As we "fall in love", we actually rekindle our connection with our highest selves, thus we really fall in love with our own spirit.

Saying, "I love you" to our partner or spouse is really a way of saying it to ourselves. After all, we can only truly love another as much as we love ourselves. This is something to be mindful of, especially if you have a tendency towards self hatred and self judgment.

The reality is, if we don't love ourselves, we cannot fully love others the way they deserve to be loved. Even if we "think" we are loving them, we are only loving them as much as we allow ourselves to have self-love.

The next time you say, "I love you" about or to your loved one(s), notice if you can connect with who you are really saying it to. Can you let yourself love YOU as much as you claim to love another person?

We are born to experience ourselves in our purist forms, as beings of pure love, innocent from life's daily occurrences. Self Love, my dear ones, is how we start to recover our true essence. Practice loving kindness with yourself. You are SO worth it!

Namasté.

Candice