Our Deepest Desire

One of the primary things I emphasize with men and women healing from intimacy disorders is this:

"The non-sexual always leads to sexual."

This is true in both a healthy and un-healthy sense. Especially if you look at it from the framework that sexuality is but a manifestation of our deepest desires. For instance, some individuals with intimacy disorders who long for validation will seek it via massage parlors, while others seek validation via chat rooms and one night stands. Those that seek to escape the pressures of their world often turn to porn (fantasy world). 

Individuals who were bullied as a youth have a tendency to become exhibitionistic both non-sexually and sexually; for example, having to be the life of the party, center of attention, have all eyes on them; or they have had sexual encounters where they control being exploited, i.e., stripping, exposing their sexual body parts in public.  People that tend to voyeur ("Peeping Toms or Peeping Tinas") grew up feeling like an outsider in their world.   Note: these examples are not an exhaustive list.

The challenge and opportunity in recovery is to understand that sexual behavior is a mere demonstration of a deeper longing. Once an individual connects with what they truly NEED, then they are able to start to work towards healing.  This is easier said than done, especially since everyone I have ever worked with that has an intimacy disorder has survived some form of trauma. They have never learned how to ask for what they need and many don't even know what it is that they actually do need in the first place.

"What do I Long For?"

Take a minute and ask yourself this question. Make a list. Notice that your list likely entails: unconditional love, acceptance, approval, and validation.

These are typically the main things that people need but never received as a child,  i.e., from parents, siblings, authority figures, or peer groups.

"What are my deepest desires?"

Pick your top 3 desires and ponder them; write about them. Talk with someone you feel safe with about this list. Notice that what you wrote or thought about is likely the same as what you long for and probably non-sexual. For those who don't know how to get their needs and deepest desires met, they will turn the non-sexual need into a sexual need because it is a "quick" fix; an escape from the frustration of not having their needs met. It also alleviates the emotional discomfort they feel most of the time.

"What do I need?"

This may seem like the other two questions, but it is actually different-often harder to answer. Notice that you may not know what you need in this moment. However, if you start to practice asking yourself this question in every situation and every encounter, you will start to connect with your deeper self;  that part of you that knows exactly what you need to feel cared for and loved.

Take time this week to begin to practice asking these questions. Notice that as you connect with your deeper longings, desires, and needs, you can start to enrich the relationship with yourself and your loved one. Ask your partner the same questions.

You are worth it. 

 Namasté (The divine in me honors the divine in you),

Candice

Happily Ever After: Making Your Relationship Work

NOTE: Today's Blog is based off of John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press. NY: NY. 1999.

(You may want to write down the following questions to reflect upon): 

Are you happy in your relationship?  Why or why not?  How long have you been with your partner? How did you meet? What attracted you to him or her? Why have you chosen to stay in the relationship? Do you have the same or similar belief and value system? What obstacles are you overcoming or have you overcome? Do you believe that you can overcome any obstacles? Do you miss your partner when they are not around? Are you interested in finding out about their day when you see them?  What keeps you from "leaning into" your relationship, if you are avoidant in any way? What keeps you preoccupied with the relationship, if you are overly-focused on your partner?

Dr. John Gottman, the leading relationship expert in the country, has figured out how to predict if a couple will stay happily together in a matter of minutes (5 mins to be exact!). His predictions are based on years and years of studies and data he has accumulated, not just a "gut" feeling, or his intuition.

"The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple's friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all."~John Gottman (1999)

What makes a relationship work?

Gottman's research describes the following as key factors for making a relationship work:

1. Happy relationships are based on a deep friendship. Each person demonstrates mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. Do you consider your partner your best friend that you respect and enjoy being around?

2. Happy relationships use "Repair Attempts." This means that they attempt to repair any tension or argument via humor, reframing, or even an apology.

3. Strong relationships entail both partners sharing a deep sense of meaning. They support one another's hopes and dreams. This is a true demonstration of respect for one another and the relationship.

4. Healthy relationships have daily "Stress-Reducing Conversations."

This entails spending 20-30 minutes a day talking about whatever is on your mind outside of your marriage. Research shows that doing this daily helps each person manage their stress in their lives not caused by the relationship. Couples who help one another cope with outside stress have long-term health in their relationship.

5. Healthy fighting. It is ok to fight.  It just depends on how you do it. Do you make repair attempts, or do you stonewall, attack, or run?

I believe that void of a violation of one's human rights, ANY relationship can work, IF BOTH PARTIES are willing to make it work....Food for thought on this beautiful Monday Morning.

Remember, YOU ARE ALWAYS SO WORTH IT!

Namasté (The divine in me honors the divine in you),

Candice

Moving Into Unknown Spaces

Did you ever think you would end up here? Like this? Right now? Are you wondering what exactly am I talking about? You know.

That place where everything you thought you knew now feels really foreign? Your world and everyone in it seems different? At times you feel so alone you can hardly stand breathing?

Well, breathe. Your world is not going to end. It may feel like it is, but I assure you that the unknown space that you are moving into is on purpose; it is absolutely for a reason. How do I know? I have been there many  times. Many.The space I am talking about might be an internal shifting going on inside of you, or it may be an unknown space that you and your spouse have moved into emotionally or physically, sexually. Or,  all of the above.

Whatever the space may be, it is a good thing, I promise.We absolutely cannot move into our "genius" by staying small and in known and familiar territory.

Each of us must take that grand leap of faith to risk, let go, ask for, tell, say it, jump off, dive in, create, make, recover (RECOVER!). I guess it's a choice, really. You don't have to do anything. But I know that if any of us are to grow, we each MUST move into the unknown spaces that we tend to avoid. If you really want to shift, grow, RECOVER, and heal, you have to move into uncertainty; into the unknown spaces within and without that you have been avoiding.

Take a minute and ask yourself if, when, and why you avoid looking within~ at your own stuff? Why not just go there? Look at what needs to happen; what YOU need to change. What about your life needs to transform or transition?

Stop Blaming Others For Your Unhappiness.

Can you find peace in knowing that everything will be ok no matter what the outcome may be?  Can you stay grounded in your stretching and growing?  Of course you can!  Breathe. Go for a walk, or run, or hike. Journal. GO INWARD. There you will find a sense of quiet as your mind lands solidly on the ground.

You will be reminded that all is well always.

You are WORTH it.

Namasté (I honor the divine in you),

Candice

Equanimity

I know that I have talked about equanimity before in my weekly meditations; however, it seems to be rather fitting to discuss this week, especially during what seems to be a rather trying time for a lot of folks. Equanimity entails "Calmness of mind, composure, and an ability to maintain neutrality, particularly in challenging situations." I recently pulled out another one of my favorite books called Buddha's Brain by R. Hansen and R. Mendius (2009). I love their chapter on Equanimity as they remind us of our ability (often with practice) to find space inside ourselves where we tap into neutrality, void of too much attachment or too much aversion.

I've also been listening to Dr. Patrick Carnes' 40-Day Focus Cd lately (from Carnes' Recovery Start Kit for individuals recovery from intimacy disorders).  He describes an addict's denial and how deceptive the addicts' voice is in trying to sway an individual to act out in self destructive ways.

"The addict" part of a person is often addicted to drama, attaching to chaos and untruths in every moment. They keep the individual swimming in deceit and confusion.

I know when I am sitting in front of a client whose addict is present because they are completely void of equanimity. They argue, blame, manipulate, defend their position, and are closed off to feedback.They attach to fighting what is the losing battle of addiction in an attempt to find their way. This obviously hasn't worked for them, thus their true self has sought treatment seeking answers.

Is this you? Can you relate to this inner struggle between who you truly are in your functional self~ that part of you that is learning how to calmly, logically, and in a neutral way navigate your recovery~verses the addict part of you that creates internal chaos and confusion inside of you, attaching to assumptions and lies with the goal of keeping you sick?

How is it possible to gain equanimity when there feels like a constant internal battle going on inside your head? First it is important to acknowledge who is talking….

Is it you as a functional whole-hearted person, or is it your addict, or vulnerable child? Remember that the vulnerable part of you will feel small, scared and timid. Or is it your addict who wants to argue, make demands, control others, manipulate situations, and blame people?

Write down what you hear inside your head. You would be amazed at the internal dialogue once you put it on paper. I have clients who have said (in relation to their addict talking), "I can't believe I even thought or said that!"

Next, see if you can observe the observer, meaning see if you can step outside of yourself (while not dissociating) and observe your thinking. This may sound strange; however, it is a tried and true technique for noticing yourself from a more neutral and objective place. JUST NOTICE.  See if you can identify why you are attaching to chaos or drama in reality or in your head.

Finally, see if you can move into a neutral place with how you see a certain situation, person, or loved one.  Can you remove the emotional attachment from the experience altogether? Can you breathe into a space of calm while noticing your surroundings from an internally quiet place?

With practice and in time what you will start to notice as you come from a place of equanimity is that you are less reactive to day-to-day events, people, places, situations, and things. You will gain clarity as to when something is your issue and when it is not. You will find a consistent place of peace and calm, even in the midst of chaos.

Doesn't that sound like the kind of life we all deserve to live in?

Remember, You are worth it in All Ways, Always!

Namasté (I honor the divine in you),

Candice

Release Resentment

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"~Carrie Fisher Have you ever felt like you were an object of a boundary violation, or wronged by another, or treated as though you were worthless? All of these are examples of valid reasons why you may carry a resentment towards another person. After all, anger calls attention to harm that has been done. However, what if you hold resentment towards another, say your partner or ex partner(s) for things that happened years ago? Does that help you in this present moment? Does it work for you to hang onto something that your partner, past or present, may not even recall or think about? Who is it serving?

Resentment makes us physically and emotionally sick; it exhausts our inner resources to replenish and rejuvenate. It strips us of our creativity and rips a deep hole in our heart that wastes our precious life-force. It is not worth it. In recovery, we work on releasing resentments. We write them out, marinate in them for awhile, then tell someone or many. Then, every day, we review where we have wronged others and where we feel we have been wronged and relieve ourselves of our pains; our resentments. Ask yourself this: Am I drinking the poison of another's words or actions and waiting for them to be the ones that suffer?

Chances are, you are doing this very thing. You are holding onto resentment and YOU are the one that is suffering, all the while thinking at some point they will "get theirs." That is not going to happen. What is going to happen is that you are going to waste your precious time and energy (emotional, physical, spiritual) and end up making yourself sick.

The best thing you can do is let go of your resentment. This does not mean that you condone another's behavior or avoid acknowledging that you have been "wronged".What it does mean is that you don't hold onto your pain or the pain of another any longer. You free yourself up to be open to love.

You free yourself to SELF LOVE.

Check in with yourself for a moment and ask: How does it serve me to be angry? Who is benefitting from my anger? Is my health? My partner (past or present)? My children? Then ask:  Who is suffering?

I will tell you from experience: EVERYONE, especially YOU. 

Here is a tried and true tool for relieving resentments:

~WRITE THEM DOWN~

Write your resentments in a journey every single day, morning and night; the middle of the day if need be. Write down all your anger, resentment, pain, shame, hurt, sadness. Get it out! What you will start to notice is that you feel lighter, brighter, freer to love. You will lighten up, laugh more; you will not take things so seriously or personally.

I have started doing The Artists Way by Julia Cameron and am journalling every morning and night. It has freed my heart, mind, spirit, and soul in all areas.  Purging on paper is the best way to release resentment and open up to LOVE; love of self and other.

If you choose, you can share your resentments. The caveat is that if you share, please do so with loving-kindness and with a safe person. It may not be appropriate to share it with the person you resent.  And, too often, people share their resentments with others in mean-spirited and hateful ways, which will not help you. It will only keep you in a space of feeling small.

So, start today. Write down your resentments. Let loose on paper. This will create new space in your mind and heart to be open to the love you deserve.

NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice