You Don't Have To Apologize...

Or, maybe you do.... There seems to be two types of people when it comes to apologizing; those who avoid accountability for their actions at all cost, all the while minimizing how they act and impact others. These types of folks tend to blame everyone and everything for their struggle regardless of whether or not they are the one's responsible. Then there are those people who apologize for other people's actions, thoughts, and feelings, regardless of whether or not they had any part in it. Some might call this type of apologizer a martyr; I avoid that label and believe this person more likely has an anxious attachment style and is insecure in their relationship with themself and others.

Which type of apologizer are you? Are you someone who struggles to take any accountability? Or, are you someone who takes on the entire load of responsibility for other people? If you are unsure about the former, you may want to ask your partner or loved ones for honest feedback. It may also serve your relationships to take a self inventory and accurately look at where you can and need to be more accountable in your life, especially if you tend to lose friendships and relationships based on this type of behavior.

Here is a little insight into the person who lacks the ability to apologize: Blamers tend to be shamers and while they have both of this internal dynamic going on, it still impacts those around them. People who blame others for everything often do so because of their own deep-seated self loathing and shame. They cannot fathom another person (especially someone they love and trust) calling them on something that deep down they know is true and in which they beat themselves up for daily.  So they put it back on the other person; this type of finger pointing is a defense mechanism and while it doesn't work in the long run it is indeed a maladaptive coping skill that seems to be on auto-repeat most of the time.

Many relationships have dynamics that involve an over-apologizer and an under-apologizer. This is particularly prevalent in addiction scenarios. One person in the relationship will have a primary issue that has caused significant damage to the relationship such as an addiction. The other person, the partner, is validly traumatized and angry, hurt, confused, sad, etc. After so long in recovery, however, oftentimes the addict, though they may be demonstrating lasting, consistent,  positive change and health on multiple levels, continues to take all the blame for everything going wrong currently in the relationship.This is not healthy and in fact can lead the relationship down another long and challenging road; if not cause it's demise (as it can cause damaging contempt). This is why it is essential for both individuals in a couple-ship to look at their styles of communication and coping, particularly since the relationship is a system with it's own cycles that involve adaptive and maladaptive response patterns.

It is important to acknowledge that it is common for individuals in their addiction(s) to use "I am sorry" as a form of  manipulation at times but also because they feel guilty for their behavior. An apology is often used and abused to the point where the partner doesn't believe the addict anymore and the word "sorry" invokes anger. Once the addict and partner enter recovery and the addict demonstrates consistent and lasting change in all areas of their life, the hope is that the partner can begin to trust the addict again, including an apology. It is also important to note that this type of apologizing is not just used in relationships where addiction is present.The typical relationship can entail a partner who uses and abuses apologies to the point where their partner resents them.

Some relationships entail a partner who over-apologizes and one who not only under-apologizes but doesn't accept the over-apologizer's apologies. This can add fuel to the fire for the over-apologizer causing them to feel resentful and resulting in them taking on the role of the under-apologizer; they stop apologizing for anything. Both parties in this case end up presenting as stubborn and entitled to their feelings, all the while waiting to see which one will "cave" with the first apology....not helpful in the relationship.

Many people learn this type of over/under apologizing behavior during their upbringing, and no matter how often people want to deny that their childhood (birth-18) impacted them as an adult, research continues to show that it does. We are not robots. We are sensitive human beings having a divine experience in this life. We learn, feel, sense, and respond based on what we see as around us when we are innocent children. Then we repeat it as best as we can as adults until someone teaches us otherwise.

This type of coping, under vs. over apologizing, is learned. It is not something we are born with; we watch our parents and other adults demonstrate it and we adopt certain behaviors based on what we see and experience. We also learn it throughout our lives as experiences are repeated and hurt and trauma gets embedded in our brains. For some, the entire experience of apologizing (saying or hearing it) can be traumatic, annoying, and angering based on past betrayal and hurt.

If we can put our egos aside and take a deeper look at the act of apologizing from a vulnerable, honest, and authentic space, it can be a really beautiful and healing experience for both people- not just for the apologizer but for the one receiving it. This takes work and practice on both parties in the relationship but is possible if both are willing to change and do the work.

For the over-apologizer, it is important to begin to only apologize for things that are yours. For the under-apologizer, it is important to look at why you under-apologize, how you can heal whatever is beneath your reasons, and explore ways that you too can be equally accountable in and for your relationship-since it takes the two of you in a relationship to either make it work or make it crumble.

Relationships with no accountability or too much accountability by one or the other person are destined for struggle. Maybe it is time for you to only own your part, or create more equanimity in your relationship(s) by owning what part IS yours.

Isn't it comforting to know that change is ALWAYS possible if we choose it and that we can really choose easier than we have been choosing?

Always important to remember, dear ones, that you are worth it!

In Kindness,

Candice

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Recovery Has No Finish Line

We are all recovering from something. The minute we are born we begin healing. Isn't that part of the divine experience? Let's face it, life can be really trying. It is filled with incredible obstacles and challenges, and regardless of whether or not we have an affliction or an addiction, the mere fact of being alive in the world means that we are going to need some reprieve at times.

But just as life hands us the hills and valleys, the ups and downs, it gives us an incredible gift: the gift of being on this amazing and individualized journey. A path to walk on where we feel completely alive simply by breathing in all the experiences of each and every day. Without the challenges we couldn't fully experience grace.

Interestingly, many of us get caught up in the illusion that there must be a beginning and an end, and it must be in sight at all times. We must push hard and compete with ourselves and others to reach some "end" goal because once we are there, life will be better.

But what if there is no end? What if we are on a continuous path of recovery that simply evolves, that at times gets lighter and easier, where our obstacles change and we feel uplifted and at ease? What if the very thing we are running towards is ourselves; our own healing? What if we are not running next to or against anyone but simply running our own beautiful and divine race--a race called life. This life that includes recovery.

Is it quite possible that the goal is to recover our true selves, and in that process, we continue to grow? That we never stop recovering who we truly are? Sometimes, as we grow, and as our light shines even brighter into the world, we may need to leave some people behind. We may leave behind those individuals who continue to stay stuck on their own path all the while trying to bring us down.

While we may continue to love these people, it is ok to continue our own beautiful evolution. We must continue on our own journey of recovery, regardless of other people's choices. And if there is no finish line in sight, we can have incredible hope. Hope that change is always possible, and that recovery is that beautiful endeavor taking flight.

As part of our journey, we must remember that we are all recovering from something.... if we can accept that this is a gift and an on-going journey that never ends, then in that moment of acceptance, we begin to heal.

As always, you are worth it.

With loving kindness,

Candice

How to Protect Your Children and Grandchildren From Porn

*Explicit content will be discussed in this blog* This past weekend, I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Gail Dines, the author of Pornland (2010) speak at the International Institute of Trauma and Addictions Professionals annual symposium.

Dr. Gines is a sociologist, a researcher, and an activist who has spent her entire career researching the negative impact the porn industry has on youth, both boys and girls, and men and women. 

This blog is going to share some disturbing information, facts and research about the porn industry, but as Dr. Gines explained in her presentation, if we find this information disturbing, we need to think about what our 11 year old sons, grandsons and daughters and granddaughters are thinking and feeling when they are first exposed to pornography and the sexualized social media. 

Here are the facts (provided by Culturereframed.org): 

• Porn sites have more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined
• Nearly 90% of representative scenes in top-rented and downloaded porn films have been found to contain aggression. Physical aggression including spanking, slapping, gagging occurred in over 88% of scenes. Nearly 1/2 the scenes had verbal aggression i.e., "bitch", "slut". 
• "Teen Porn" searches have more than tripled between 2005-2013, and teen porn was the fastest-growing genre over this period. Total teen-related  porn searches reached an estimated 500,000 daily in March 2013, representing one-third of total daily searches for pornographic web sites.
• The number one type of porn that boys as young as 11 years of age are exposed to when they are first exposed to pornography is gag porn where females are choked with a man's genitalia to the point of crying and almost vomiting (sometimes they also plug the female's nose while she is gagged); and gang rape violent porn. This is the sex education that boys and girls are seeing today. This is scary.
• The younger the boys get to porn, the more it decreases their capacity for intimacy, the more it increases their depression and anxiety,  the more it decreases their empathy for rape victims, and the more they are likely to engage in risky sexual behavior (this is based on 40 years of research). 
• Boys are being socialized by the porn industry to believe that to be a man, this is what they need to do to be masculine-that having sex with a female is about rape, dehumanization, and degradation. Boys who come across porn are often confused: they feel aroused, they feel shame, they don't and they think this is normal (when it isn't!).
• Females are learning at a very young age by the media (magazines, television, social media) to be "porn ready" with the focus for females being on looks, sex, and being an object. 
• The porn industry is a multi-billion dollar industry with a huge lobbying group called Free Speech Coalition that is set on keeping porn alive. 

This information is indeed troubling, however, some states and countries including Utah and the United Kingdom have been pro-active in taking steps to address the massive global porn epidemic. Utah recently passed legislation calling the porn epidemic a Public Health Issue. The United Kingdom has passed an "Opt-In, Opt Out" law where individuals must call to "opt into" porn viewing on the internet. 

Some pop psychologists such as Dr. David Ley continue to assert (often via junk research) that porn is not addictive nor problematic, however, the enormous amount of research speaks to the contrary. Sadly, it is common for the porn industry to pay these individuals to speak to the media in favor of their cause while disregarding the facts.

More and more teens are getting porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) as a result of compulsively looking at porn. The brain, after all, gets addicted to the images (pixels) on the screen and with dopamine, the "gotta get it" neurotransmitter, over-activated, the result is PIED. For teens who have not formed an arousal template to real-life males or females, it is easy for their brains to get hijacked via porn so that they can only feel aroused by looking at an image on a screen.  For more research on how porn hijacks the brain, go to yourbrainonporn.com or www.gaildines.com.

It is important to acknowledge the reality that girls and teens are also becoming addicted to pornography as well as being over-sexualized, objectified, and de-humanized as a result of the porn industry. With access, anonymity, and affordability, anyone can find porn, and many do (boys and girls especially).... often by accident.

While this information is extremely disturbing, there are things that we can all do to protect our children, teens, as well as grandchildren (this information can be found on CultureReframed.org). 

• Create a setting that is safe and supports an open door policy so that children and teens feel comfortable talking about anything, including what they see on social media, questions about sex, cyber-bullying (many youth experience this), who they have contact with on-line (also a scary reality these days for youth with on-line solicitation by adults via video games, social media),  and porn (so children and teens know that if they stumble upon or become addicted to it they can talk about it).
• Talk openly about how the media shapes our view of men, women, sex, violence, etc.
• Know what is on your children and teen's screens (they don't need smart phones!)
• Use netnanny, openDNS, or K-9 to lock your computer.
• Have a curfew for screens; make sure what is being viewed can been seen
• Discuss safety on the internet and privacy (don't give out information); discuss sexual health.
• Educate yourself and family on the extent and harms of our hyper sexualized media and pornography, including how violent images are teaching our youth that sex is not about intimacy but power, control, no empathy, and violence.
• Engage in community organizations or national organizations such as CultureReframed.Org that are working to protect youth from porn.
• Work with the school and religious communities to educate about the impact of porn on our youth
• If you are your youth has a problem with porn, seek help by an expert who is trained to deal with this very specialized issue (general therapists are not qualified to treat this nor are religious leaders).

I realize this blog may be triggering or overwhelming; if you feel this way, you are not alone. But there is hope and we all can do something about this serious epidemic that is impacting all of us. It takes a village but is possible. Each of us can be positive change agents together. 

To see Gail Daines Tedtalk, put the following link in your web browser (be aware that there is explicit content including language that the porn industry uses so if you have pornography  or sexual addiction, either do not watch this, or watch this with someone who knows of your addiction and who can support you in staying in recovery. This clip is useful to see what your children are seeing in the media and when they go on-line): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YpHNImNsx8

Namasté, 

Candice

 **We are a nationally recognized program that treats pornography addiction! We treat addicts and their partners; we heal families. If you are struggling with porn/sex/love addiction, we are the place for you! We are a research-based program with proven results for helping youth and adults heal longterm from porn, sex, love addiction, substance abuse issues, financial and work disorders, and trauma.

Email Cari at cari@namasteadvice for a copy of our daily gender separate relationship/sexual/substance addiction recovery groups schedule and fees, or to inquire about attendance. 

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You Deserve a Clean Slate

This weekend I watched a touching short video that caused me to pause and reflect on the topic regret...here are the details of the video....

A chalkboard was placed in the middle of New York City for one day asking passersby to write down their biggest regret. The response was profound.

Some examples of things that were written included: 

• Not having kids before my dad passed away
• Not going to med school
• Not getting involved
• Not following my artistic passions
• Not following my dreams
• Not being a better friend

As the board filled up, there was a resounding theme~people regretted what they had NOT done including NOT taking chances, NOT pursuing desires and dreams, and words NOT spoken. 

But, then something profound happened....

They were asked to erase the chalkboard. A new awareness emerged. The clean board represented a fresh start for each passerby; a clean slate.

It meant that there were new possibilities right in that moment, that there need not be regret, since we each can make new decisions right here and now.  

It gave individuals a moment to pause and think about second chances; or first ones for that matter. And from this experience, an opportunity arose....

You too have this opportunity.

Let yourself consider the following questions: 

What if you had no regrets? What if you were given a clean slate each day upon awakening and upon going to sleep? What would be different in your life if you let yourself be completely free to pursue what your heart desired?

What if each day we could start new, fresh, in all our choices, in all our relationships? Would we connect more to others, say what we need to say, pursue our dreams, wants, wishes, and desires? Would we be kinder, friendlier, more loving, more honest, more peaceful, more resolved in every single choice we made?

What if every single day, we lived the way that we were born to live: free of fear, free of failure, free of being hurt or disappointed?

What if regret is the very thing that keeps us from doing "the next BIG thing"?

Isn't it time to erase your regret? Isn't it time to allow yourself a clean slate to start anew? Know that you are not alone in this incredibly possible endeavor.

Give yourself a clean slate, right here, right now. You deserve it.

To watch the actual video of this New York City experiment, "My Biggest Regret" put this link in your browser: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R45HcYA8uRA

As always, no matter what is going on around you, please know that- you are worth it.

Namasté, 

Candice

*MISS THE FIRST FREE WEBINAR ON HEALING CHRONIC STRESS? Cari will offer another one this Wed, 2/17/18 from 7-8p.m. RSVP: CARI@NAMASTEADVICE.COM for details on how to call in (rsvp must be given to ensure you can get on the call). On-going webinar starts Monday, Feb 22, from 7-8p.m.

Email Cari at cari@namasteadvice for a copy of our daily gender separate relationship/sexual/substance addiction recovery groups schedule and fees, or to inquire about attendance. photo by: sofeminine.co.uk

Creating Lasting Intimacy In Your Relationship: It Starts with Communication

Being in a relationship is the hardest yet most rewarding job anyone could ever have. The reason for this is simple: We actually care about our loved one. We value their opinion, we care about what they think, and we want to be loved and respected (a basic human need). However, no one is officially taught how to be in a healthy relationship; and healthy is relative to each person. We learn about relationships by watching the two most important people in our lives; our parents or primary caregivers. How they treat each other, talk to each other, and engage with one another is what we learn to be "normal."

Sadly, the person closest to us often sees our ugliest parts and sides. Along with this, many people often treat their partner in ways that they wouldn't treat anyone else (except for themselves of course).

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the leading researchers on how to make relationships (marriages specifically) last, contend that healthy communication is key to having a happy and lasting relationship (Gottman training, 2014).

The Gottmans' explain that the following forms of communication, of which they call The Four Horsemen, are likely indicators that a relationship will fail. These include: Criticism (verbally attacking character), Contempt (attacking sense of self), Defensiveness (seeing self as victim), and Stonewalling(withdrawal as means to avoid conflict).

The Four Horsemen are known to create irreparable damage to a relationship.

The only way to heal a relationship where there has been on-going contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling is to learn how to communicate and connect in a new way void of these forms of engaging.

The Gottmans have tried and true techniques that couples can learn to heal their relationship longterm. One technique includes a Repair Checklist (The Gottman Institute, 2010) that couples can use as a guide and reminder of how to communicate, ask for what they need, and engage in ways that will increase intimacy inside an outside of the bedroom.

This Repair Checklist has various sections with practice statements that couples can use with each other to improve communication, increase connection, and enhance intimacy.

Examples of the various sections include:

I Feel... For example, "I am getting scared," and "Please say that more gently."

I Need To Calm Down.... For example, "I need your support right now," and "Can we take a break?"

Sorry... For example, "My reactions were to strong. Sorry," and "Let me try again."

Get to Yes... For example, "You're starting to convince me," and "Let's compromise here."

Stop Action... For example, ""Let's start over again," and "Let's agree to disagree here."

I Appreciate... For example, "I love you," and "Thank you for..."

These are just a few of several examples on Gottman's Repair Checklist, all of which, with practice, are surefire ways to create healthier communication and lasting intimacy.

While most people struggle in their intimate relationship to have healthy communication, there are simple ways to improve this type of connectivity. With practice and dedication by both people, communication and intimacy can improve longterm.

As always, please remember, you are worth it.

Namasté,

Candice

FREE WEBINAR ON HEALING CHRONIC STRESS! TODAY!FEB 8TH FROM 5-6; RSVP CARI@NAMASTEADVICE.COM. SIGN UP TODAY! Room for 2 more couples at our Couples Intro to Yoga-for Couples wanting to improve trust, learn forgiveness, and connect on a more intimate level; Feb 13th, 1-4 p.m; $200 total; rsvp: candice@namasteadvice.com; $50 reserves your seats; space is limited! Email Cari at cari@namasteadvice for a copy of our Group and Workshop Schedule and Fees, or to RSVP

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