How to Navigate Through Your Relationship In A Healthy Way

Remember the movie Titanic?  Such a beautiful, state of the art ship that seemed perfect; able to contain an enormous amount of life! It was filled with so many wonderful stories, new and lasting partnerships, and an incredibly bright future.

The Titanic seemed unsinkable and indestructible; it was as if nothing could stop it.  From the outside it looked like it had everything it needed to succeed, right? Unfortunately, it wasn't the design of the glorious Titanic that brought it to it's demise. The real threat to that amazing ship was underneath the waterline; that which was unseen.

Had the captain been able to navigate in a way that he would have known what was below the waterline, the course could have been changed, and the ship, as well as many lives, could have been saved.

We can liken relationships to the Titanic in that the idea of them is absolutely amazing, giving us a sense of joie de vivre (enjoyment of life), a sense of pure happiness. Through relationships, we create new and lasting stories where we celebrate partnerships that provide both unconditional love, as well as a sense of hope for a brighter future.

Yet, while relationships seem like they are indestructible in the beginning, they are quite vulnerable to that which is unseen. Along with this, if we are ill-equipped to navigate through our relationships in a healthy way, we are at risk of losing what we have worked so hard at creating.

Many people want to avoid talking about or looking at the unseen. Most people would rather brush it under a big dusty rug than address it. However, it is in having information that we have the ability to respond, hence responsibility, and can navigate through our relationships in a healthier way. We can be the captains of our own relationSHIP.

I am a huge proponent of relationships and believe that ANY relationship can work void of any sort of violation of anthers' human rights (i.e., domestic abuse that includes physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual assault).Even when there is an addiction, including an intimacy disorder (sexual addiction), I believe that if the unseen is known, then the relationship can navigate it's way to a safe and healthy shore. The caveat to this is that both parties (addict and partner) in the relationship must be willing to do the work to re-stabilize and re-learn the rules of the new couple-ship. 

Take a moment and think about the issues in your relationship that  you might be avoiding, sweeping under that big dusty rug, or that are or have been unseen for awhile. Are there issues that you know are problematic that you and/or your partner is not addressing? Or, are there issues that you believe are your partner's problem such as an addiction to alcohol or porn that you think they need to solve without you being a part of the recovery process?

Regarding this last question, whenever there is an addiction, our clinical team strongly encourages both the spouse and addict to get therapy so that they can both learn new tools for navigating through their relationship in a healthier way together. Both get to be the Co-Captains of your RelationSHIP. If one person learns new tools and the other doesn't, it often creates even more unforeseen challenges and frustrations in the relationship that in some unfortunate cases, cause the relationship to sink.

Along with looking at the unforeseen issues in a relationship, many folks often struggle to see the good traits and qualities in their partner because their own past trauma and pain clouds their vision.

Therefore, they point the finger at their partner, continually blaming them for their pain. If you are someone that does this, I encourage you to recall who you fell in love with in the beginning of your relationship. As Deepak Chopra says in one of my favorite books, The Path to Love (1997),  "The goal of the [path to love] is to transform your awareness from separation to unity. In unity we perceive only love, express only love, are only love"(p.35).

It is through awareness of the unseen issues both challenging as well as positive, and a commitment to navigate through those issues in a healthy way, that relationships can remain steadfast and strong, unbreakable, unsinkable. Today, this week, this month, forever, I encourage you to be the Captains of Your RelationSHIPs.  Acknowledge the un-seen and make a solid commitment to work to create safety, intimacy, and health with your loved one.

You are Worth It.

Namasté,

Candice

Affirmations: Are you focusing on the Positive or the Negative?

It has often been said that the two most important words in the English Language are "I AM." In religious and spiritual contexts, these two words have been directly attributed to one's higher power; with "I Am" literally being God. 

Many modern day healers and spiritual gurus, including Louise L. Hay and Wayne Dyer, have talked at length about the power of these two words impacting both our perception as well as our literal experience of reality. In various forums we are reminded: "You are what you think, so choose your words wisely. " Even certain recovery-based groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, encourage members to introduce themselves with "Hi, my name is _______ and I AM an alcoholic." For many reasons, this type of introduction, especially in this context, makes sense, as accountability is essential in order to support individuals in taking full responsibility for their addiction(s). If this is indeed true, this idea that "I Am" are the two most important words that can be spoken, then I can only imagine from the negative self talk I sometimes hear inside my head, how much we as a society affirm so many things that we DO NOT want. 

For example, take a minute to reflect on the first things you thought of as you awoke this morning.How many negative affirmations that included "I am" ran through your mind? When you looked in the mirror or put on your clothes, did you think or say, "I am so fat, I am so ugly," or  "I am bad, I am unworthy, I am unloveable, I am not good enough, I am poor, I am sick, I am so tired, or I am so tired of…", etc. etc.? 

You may currently be living in a situation that you are really tired of, or really sick of; your feelings are valid. And yet, there may be a different way to think or say this so that you don't experience the repercussions of the negative thoughts that you think or say. I realize that some of you may be thinking, "This is hokey-pokey crap. Our thoughts don't control our physical well-being." However, research has shown for quite some time now that stress, including negative thinking, can impact our physiology.

This is why so much research over the past decade has been done to show that meditation changes both our brain as well as our physiology; after all, when we relax, we let go of all negativity and resistance. When our minds grow quiet from all the negative chatter, our brains and bodies know how to heal.  Notice if you are tensing up right now.  Is there any part of you that is resisting the idea that you actually control your thoughts and experiences by using words such as "I Am" followed by positive words?To be clear, I am not saying you control your spouses, loved ones, or others' thoughts, actions,  or experiences. However, I AM saying that you control your own. 

Even with me saying all of this, notice how your mind wants to take you back to a negative statement, "Yeah but I am still fat" or "Ok I get the concept but I am still a bad person for…."Many folks  can understand this concept intellectually but internalizing it is quite a challenge. I get this way of thinking. Especially since I have worked for most of my life to manage and heal my depression and anxiety. I realize that it can be easier to spout off negative "I am" statements than positive ones, especially if we have done it our whole lives. But, what do you have to lose by practicing positive "I am" statements, even if it is just for today?

If you practice negative affirmations, you create more of what you don't want. After all, we truly see what it is that we believe, and therefore, believe what we see. By changing from a  negative to a positive self statement, each of our own realities become a totally new and different, positive experience!

The world is suddenly not out to get us; we see that it is out to embrace us, love us, and help us prosper. People are no longer mean or cruel, they are doing the best they can with what they have. We see others with with compassion and loving eyes, even if we are hurt by them. We start to understand that lessons are not here to punish us; they are here to teach each of us our divine purpose and path. We find that the darkness we are living in today is not long-lasting; it has a beautiful and glorious light (which is our inner light). It starts with you. It starts with me. It starts with WE. It starts with "I Am" followed by a positive affirmation.

"I am hopeful." " I am doing my best in every moment." I am a good person even if I make poor choices sometimes. "  "I am forgiving" and so on...

So, here is your chance. Starting today, notice how negative your self statements are, and change them to a positive "I Am" statement. For instance, instead of thinking,  "I am a bad person," think, "I am a good person who has made some poor choices, but I am doing what I can to change."

Note: If you have a tendency to point the finger and say "You are…." and blame others for your actions, you have a little more work to do. First, change your blaming statement to "I Am" followed by a statement of accountability. Then, move into a more positive and pro-active I Am" statement. Also, if you have a tendency to say things like "I am better than them" see if you can soften your language so that your are non-judging.

It starts with YOU. Yes, you are this powerful. Change the way you think, and you will change the way you live. You are worth it, so think or say, "I AM worth it!"

Namasté, Candice

Happiness: What Is Keeping You from Well-Being?

I have been exploring the concept of happiness lately, specifically from the Buddhist perspective. My exploration has caused me to ponder: Is happiness fleeting? Meaning, does it come, go, pass through us, even pass us by at times? Or, can we connect with happiness at any time if we choose?

And, what if someone is feeling depressed? Is it still possible to connect with an inner happiness on their own, or does it require outside assistance (i.e., therapy, medication)? From a clinical perspective, as well as having my own personal experience with depression at times, feeling depressed sometimes requires the support of a safe person to talk to, as well as a brief period (sometimes longer) of taking medication to assist in stabilizing one's mood.

This is especially true when one or more significant and challenging events occurs in our lives and we do not have the inner resources to face the looming dragon of depression and fear. Therefore, getting outside support while we strengthen our inner resources is often beneficial. With that being said, wanting our happiness to come from the outside creates a separate sense of self because we are constantly thinking that something is always missing. Thus, we keep happiness at bay in our search for the next best thing (or fix).   

We are actually hard wired to pursue gratification while avoiding any sense of threat; this is embedded in our DNA. So, even in this day and age when we get what we want, we often feel like it is not enough. We get stuck in this illusive, fear based way of thinking that there is NEVER enough, and even worse, that there is never going to be enough.

We often crave something different, something more. We  crave love, safety, an "easy" way to feel better. This often leads to addiction; wanting what we want when we want it from something or someone, and at any and all costs.

One of the sayings I tell people in recovery is, "You must go IN to go out, not the other way around." Meaning, what we each seek IS WITHIN US. It is not without us.

The core teaching of the Buddha is this: The source of all suffering is that we want life to be different. 

When we fixate on an outward mode of happiness, the idea that "I have to have…" we suffer. We suffer because we are fighting with reality; we are arguing with the truth of this very moment. When the conditions we want to be happy are not there, we inevitably are going to feel pain.

Ask yourself: "How often do I attach to something outside of myself thinking it will bring me happiness or well-being?

Whether it is money, sex, losing weight, a nicer home, a better car, more romance, my partner showing me more love or support, or  kindness (etc., etc.); a higher paying job?" Is it really possible for you to feel lasting happiness from something or someone else?" Why or why not? What is truly between you and happiness  (i.e. with your weight, with money, in your relationship, etc)? Notice how often you say, "If only…." For instance, "If only my spouse would … then I'd be happy" or "If only I had … I would be feel better" etc.

Does this way of thinking really serve you?

Here are some helpful things to say and do for yourself daily, starting now:

• Nothing is missing in this moment. I have everything I need right here and now
• I am SAFE. I AM OK. This is just sensation
• I am always taken care of and provided for; I have proof of this!
• There is nothing between myself and my inner well-being
• Make a daily list at least 3 things you appreciate in your life (there is a lot to be thankful for!!):  For instance, your health, life, relationships (even if you are struggling), lessons and learning, children, pets, being able to breathe air, having a roof over your head, a car that runs, your family, recovery, a sponsor, another day, an inspiring book? friends, etc.).

• *Note:  I write a gratitude list daily and have done so for years now. It creates increased abundance and well-being when we acknowledge what we already are, do, and have in our lives.*

~YOU ARE WORTH IT (practice saying this too!)

Namasté, Candice

Parenting Yourself: Sometimes the hand you need to hold is yours...

"Your parents did the best they could (and still are)."  For many, this statement is a difficult one to grasp. Especially if one's childhood was not ideal (for most people, this is the case).

Folks oftentimes argue that their parents "should have known better." Sure, we could all "know better" if we are given the healthy resources and tools. However, a lot of parents (especially the older generations) have used the skills they observed from their parents, or they did the best they could to parent on their own,  for instance, if their parent(s) were absent or abusive.

What if it is to our benefit to have had parents that did the best they could? What if we were supposed to realize and embrace that we are each the evolved version of them? If you have your own children, what if they are the evolved version(s) of you?

This is a really beautiful concept; after all, we each have the enormous capacity to evolve into amazing, bright, glorious spirits as a result of our parents best and very human efforts to teach us. Even if the lessons are challenging and extremely hard.

Indeed, some lessons we learn from our parents (and even our entire family) seem harder than others. However, what we do with the lesson is truly up to us. We can follow in their footsteps, or do the complete opposite.

If we came from a dark and painful upbringing, wouldn't it behoove us to shine as brightly as we can, reminding our inner child that we are safe, ok, and that what we presently feel is just sensation from our past?

Our inner children indeed still live inside of us reminding us that they are here through primal reactions, often times triggered by the words and actions of our loved ones.

Therefore, we must parent ourselves (or as I often say, "re-parent" ourselves). We must hold our own hand and reassure that little girl or boy inside that they are ok. They are perfect just as they are in this moment, and the shame that they actually carry is not theirs to hold onto.

If you started today to (re) parent yourself, to hold your own hand and reassure your little 5-8 year old inner child that he/she is truly ok, that you are protecting him/her from harm and loving them the way in which they deserve, how might your interactions with yourself change? With others? I realize this may seem foreign, scary, even awkward. However, I encourage you to do this exercise.

Some of you may feel like you do not know how connect with your inner child. If this is the case, find a picture of you when you were 10 or younger (the younger the better). Write a letter to yourself at that age, asking him/her various questions. What would you want to know about you if you just met? His, her age? Favorite color, greatest fear and hope, etc., etc. Then switch hands and using your non-dominant hand, and let that little child inside of you answer.

Watch what happens! This is a very powerful exercise that many people are too scared to do. It will reveal SO much amazing information about that small you that lives inside, waiting to be heard, waiting to be set free.

I would also encourage you to find things that you love to do that are spontaneous, healthy risk-taking (void of any addictive behavior), and playful. What would you LOVE to do that you don't allow for yourself? Children are amazing at play, pretend, being free, trustworthy, open. Where did these attributes in you go? Are you willing to recover them if you've lost them in adulthood?

In time, if you make a concerted effort  to connect with your inner child (I suggest daily), you will learn how to parent yourself in a more loving and healthy manner. This will in turn assist you in parenting your own children, and if you don't have any children, then your pets, or other loved ones.

Remember, you are SO worth it.

Namasté, Candice

Lighten Up

There are no accidents and everything happens for a reason. Divine grace lives within us all as a glowing internal light, if only we could learn how to tap into it regularly....

Beautiful, isn't it? This notion that every single thing happens for a reason. Think about it; are things really as finite as they seem; with solid beginnings and endings? Or are they more fluid and ever-changing? Isn't change the only constant? What if we were taking this life of ours way too seriously and way too personally? Forgetting that we all have a divine purpose, and it is truly up to us to figure out what it is?

What if we each get to experience some form of suffering as a way to fully honor and embrace the joyful resonance of our own existence as well as that of others? Doesn't change cause that? How many of you would rather stay the same, be comfortable with the uncomfortable, than change, grow, and expand? Each of us are so incredibly divine, and we come to this earth with a beautiful path layed out in gold for us. Some of us decide to walk the path early, and some decide to walk along other paths. We all learn, no matter where it is we travel.

However, the goal, if we choose a long and hard path, is to learn how to honor ourselves and others instead of continuing to hurt ourselves and/or others.  Are your eyes open, or are they closed? Are you learning something on your journey, or are you determined to stay stuck?

This concept of lightening up is an internal one, as it requires us to literally find joy and humor in the day to day, as well as connect with spirit. "Spirit" is an internal process of finding our internal light and shining it onto the world. It is different than worshipping something outside of ourselves. It is learning to embrace your own divinity; your own internal light.

So, how can you get there? How can you get to the place where you shine your beautiful, internal light, where you find humor in the day to day, where you lighten up your world and others?

Here are some tools:

1. Don't take things so seriously or personally. My mom used to  tell me this when I was a child. I was very serious and intense  at times. She actually used the term, "Lighten up" in a loving way. Today, I finally understand what she meant. Are you taking things too personally? Are you making someone else's issue your own? What is yours and what is theirs? Hand it over.

2. Focus on letting your own light shine bright. This is especially important if you have a tendency of wanting to make another's light shine (especially if theirs is dim). We have a tendency to do this with our loved ones. It is not our job and actually disempowers them from learning to shine their light brightly.

You can only control your internal light switch. You may, however, inspire those around you to shine their light by shining yours. Examples of this include: learning to laugh and smile at the joys in life, as well as being an inspiration to others by loving yourself wholeheartedly.

3. Change your perspective and your perspective will change. If you change your perspective from a dark and negative one to a positive, lighter one, I promise you that your perspective will change. You will see people, places, situations, and things in a whole new light! I call this reframing. When you find your perspective being dark, reframe it to a positive statement. In time your perspective will be positive.

4. Shine On. The best thing you can do for others is to shine your light. Shine bright! Do not shrink so that others feel comfortable. Do not own shame that is not yours! When we feel small we do not have as big of an impact as we are supposed to in this world, so it is important to not diminish your shimmer and glow for anyone else. Inspire the world by shining as brightly as you possibly can!

Remember, you are SO worth it.

Namasté, Candice