Longing...

The last few weeks have been rather challenging for me as I have missed my mother tremendously. More than a yearning to have her here on earth (she indeed is much more at peace in her new home), I have felt a deep-seated sadness and longing for that maternal connection I had with her since childhood.

This longing to be attached is a feeling that every child has with their parent(s) no matter how old they are or how dysfunctional their upbringing. Some are pre-occupied with it, while others avoid it. Some dismiss it, while others feel secure with it (few in my experience are truly securely attached).

We may not realize the desperate longing we have to be attached to someone, especially since as adults, this void quickly gets filled by a person, place, or thing. Sometimes our longing is filled by our partner or spouse; however, this is often temporary. After all, no one can truly fill our "voids" but ourselves.

Therefore, we begin to search for the quickest way to fill the unrequited void that creates our experience of suffering, of yearning, of longing....Hence why so many people end up with addictions/aversions (especially in the realm of intimacy disorders-love or sex addicted or even aversive to love or sex).

In an attempt to control or mask our sense of longing, we may also focus our attention on what our partner can or cannot do (for us), placing expectations, rules, guidelines, and standards for how they "should" be (I'd encourage you to quit "shoulding" on yourself or your partner if you do this).Then we spend most of our lives longing for something more, or less, or different because we don't know how to ask for what we truly want or need. Thus, the cycle of longing continues.

So, is longing helpful or harmful to one's peace of mind?

Longing may be helpful if it allows you the opportunity to go after your dreams in a healthy way. If it motivates you to reach for the stars while having daily appreciation for all the blessings of your current life. If it allows you to ask for what you need in an adaptive and pro-active way.

Longing is often harmful, however, when it creates false expectations, shaming, and finger-pointing at another person. When it keeps us from looking in the mirror at our own stuff; what we each bring to our relationships. When it keeps us separate from our loved ones and causes wedges that may be damaging long-term.

Take a moment and ask yourself these questions:  In what areas of my life do I find myself longing for something or someone? If I am in an intimate relationship and there are challenges, am I longing for things that are realistic and possible? Or are there things that I need to look at within myself and find peace with that by focusing outward may create a false sense of longing?

Ask yourself: In what ways do I point the finger with judgment and expectations, when in reality I simply long for my partner's love, or understanding, or accountability, or even an apology? Can I ask for what I want and need?

Can I let my longing be adaptive and inspiring, or does it drive me to act out in unhealthy and destructive ways?

So, while I have recently yearned for my mother's connection, I have found peace in knowing that this kind of longing is not helpful to me. It keeps me in a space of suffering, it renders me helpless, and increases my inner angst.

This week, when you notice you feel a sense of longing, take a moment and tune into it. Really feel it. Find the origin of it and see if you can respond to it from a healthy, mindful space. Write it down~journalling is an extremely beneficial way of gaining insight and wisdom!

Remember, you are SO worth it.

Namasté, Candice

We Are Fragile...

We are fragile, handle each other with care...

I recently lost someone very close and dear to my heart: my mother. The pain of something like this is truly indescribable. I was at a loss for words last week as I swam in deep and varied emotions that fluctuated between shock and dismay to numbness and unreality.  Thus, I was unable to write last week's Monday Meditation.

A lot can happen in one week, especially when there is something as impactful as a death. It can cause one to take quite a large and intentional step back and reflect on everything in their life: all their relationships both past and present, their life purpose, their values and belief system, their goals and dreams, even their character.

One thing I am being reminded of through this very difficult process is just how fragile we truly are, especially in relationship with others. There is such a delicate dance that takes place between the people we love. We have a tendency to forget that what we endure as innocent children and teens actually stays in our hearts and can cause us to be impacted on a very primal and intense scale as adults and with our families of origin~ especially if there is tragic event.

So what can we do with both ourselves and our loved ones that are still alive so that we are able to live our best lives as our best selves?

1. Handle yourself and others with care. If you were to imagine tape wrapped around your heart that says, "Fragile: Handle With Care" would you be more gentle on yourself? If you saw this sign on others, would you treat them differently (better perhaps)? Or would you continue to judge yourself and others as harshly as you may already? Be mindful that words often can cut like a knife, and actions can feel even worse (included in words are lies which can cut like the jagged edge of a dull knife, causing major infection and destroying a relationship).

2. Forgive yourself and everyone (especially your family, both biological and created): Forgiveness in my world means "letting go with compassion and self-protection." How is it working for you to hold onto resentment? Who really suffers?

Free yourself of the pain and take your power back with compassion for yourself and for the other person (after all, they are likely suffering too).  By letting go, you no longer allow yourself to stay chained to the past or present,including hurtful words or events. You are now free!

3. Be Accountable for Your Part: What part(s) of your relationships can you own? I.e., Do you have a hard time saying "sorry", or do you struggle with listening? Or do you have a hard time talking with your loved one(s) without being defensive or the opposite, do you mentally check out when the going gets tough? Along these lines, what parts are you owning that are not yours? Where are you being too accountable (i.e., taking on other people's issues and problems). How does this keep you from finding your truth and embracing your own essence, purpose, and divinity? Be accountable for your part, and only your part. There is grace in this...

4. Practice living in Grace. I was told several times this past week that I handled my mom's transition, including her memorial with grace. Uncertain of the exact definition of the word grace, I looked it up. The definition that resonated with met the most is: "A disposition or act of kindness." What, if anything, would change in your life,  if your actions and your words emanated self-kindness, or rather, grace?

In this amazing and yet challenging time we live in, we must remember how fragile we are. Although we may look grown up, our hearts are often wrapped with bubble wrap and tape that says, "Fragile: Handle With Care." This week, practice seeing yourself and others from this space. Let yourself be mindful of what you say to yourself and to others; forgive (let go!), and live in grace. You will feel lighter and more connected to your inner divinity, I promise.

Remember, you are SO worth it.

Namasté,

Candice

Your Ah-Ha Moment!

Recovery from ANYTHING, whether it is an addiction, and/or any other physical, spiritual, emotional or psychological ailment, loss, or injury can at times be discouraging, challenging, frustrating, even pain-staking.

Change indeed can be hard, even when we know we have to do it or we may figuratively and/or literally die. Yet, how often do you avoid or fight change even when you know it is the best thing for you, all the while continuing to do the same things over and over expecting different results? Why do we do it? What is the danger in letting go, in surrendering, or in being blatantly honest with ourselves?

It takes an Ah-Ha Moment.

Have you had one? An Ah-Ha moment when the light went on and you knew that it was time to make that life changing decision for your recovery/healing? Or are you still waiting for that key event that will change the course of your life forever? Is waiting helping you or is it time to look for the lightbulbs?

There is indeed an Ah-Ha moment in recovery where the lightbulb shines brightly in our minds and we realize:

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR MY OWN RECOVERY!

Whether it is to end a relationship,  change your phone or phone number, close a chapter in your life, quit your job and start a new one, get new friends, change your diet, go to more meetings or support groups, forgive your loved ones, or change your perspective. Your Ah-Ha moment will stand out in your mind forever. It will create a jolt of energy where you will start to feel a clarity like never before!

It will give you the starting point for which to navigate change. But you have to stay open and listen and look for it. It can be a subtle voice inside that says, "It is time." Or a loud, earth changing wake up call that shouts out why you are doing all of this hard work to heal.

Whatever it is, BE OPEN to it. After all, once you have one  Ah-Ha moment, more start to come, especially if you pay close attention. Then the one lightbulb becomes a city of lights with a village of people supporting one another in their recovery.  Be the change, be your Ah-Ha moment!

Remember, you are worth it. Namaste,

Candice

What We See In Others Is Just A Reflection....

I always tell people the quickest way to work on your stuff is to get in a relationship. Why?

You are able to work through so much of YOUR own baggage....if, that is, you are willing to see the other person as a reflection of you: the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful.

The challenge is that most of us have a hard time looking at our pasts. So we blame our partner for our own actions, choices, responses, mistakes. We claim that if only they did this for us or that for us then we'd be happy, different, feel better, feel good about ourselves.

But, this is all a lie. We are  just lying to ourselves if we really think someone else can actually MAKE us happy.

The reality is that if we have unresolved issues, particularly in our family of origin (parents, siblings), we will often play that out as adults in our relationships. Once we figure out how to self-parent, self-soothe, and self-care, then we can self-love which is the key to happiness.

I have a couple of clients in recovery who shared that for 1 year they were committed to date themselves and they did! After a year, they had some incredible wisdom.

A big piece of insight that one female shared was that she finally realized the shame she had carried her whole life(even into her addiction) was not hers; it was her mothers, her mother's mother, and generations before her.

She said she finally realized that she didn't have to wear someone else's shame anymore and could let herself open up to the love she deserved.

So, what might it be like if you were to focus solely on you? Focus on yourself, what you want and need? How to take care of you for YOU sake? Might this actually enrich all of your relationships? What a wonderful opportunity this would be: to date yourself!

So, here is your challenge~ can you do it? Can you ask yourself on a date every night for the next week and start to get to know you at a deeper level? Are you willing to sit in your discomfort and find your edge? What bugs you, what do you like, who do you admire, and what do you hate? See if you can let yourself have your very own YOU experience.

This is perfect especially right before Valentine's Day. Be your own valentine....

Remember, you are worth it.

Namaste,

Candice

What if you are Perfectly Imperfect?

Take a minute and reflect on the past week. Did you put a lot of pressure on yourself?  Did you feel a lot of stress if your checklists and deadlines were not completed or met? Did you try to be perfect?

Notice where in your body you feel this pressure to perform and be perfect. Do you clench your jaw, tighten your stomach, hold your breath? Do you eat less or more, feel irritable or sad, get quiet and withdrawn, or act more rigid and reactive towards others?

The goal in recovery from anything is to identify the origin of our negative thoughts and feelings so that we can resolve them and live a lighter, happier existence. So, take a moment and ask yourself these questions: When did you start to believe that you had to be perfect, flawless? When did you start to put so much pressure on yourself to perform? In what ways are you "performing" in your life? Are you doing so in your relationships? Why? Who does it really benefit?

What if you are absolutely perfect just the way you are?  What if just by you being born you are perfect and there is nothing you have to do or say to reach the illusion of perfection, because you have already arrived? Easy to swallow this concept?

Alot of folks have a hard time accepting that they are perfect as they are.  After all, we each have this illusive ideal of what perfection entails, right?

American culture sets us up to believe that we each can live the "American Dream" and  social media often floods our minds with images of what this "dream" entails including how we are supposed to act, look, feel, etc.There are no accidents why this is called a "dream" because it is not real. However, it sets people up to feel shame and guilt if they are not striving towards an illusion of perfection.

So, take a moment and ask yourself these questions: "What if I am perfectly imperfect? What does that mean to me? Can I accept that my imperfections are mine and they are what makes me perfect?  Or do I want to continue to beat myself up for not being someone else's ideal?

Let yourself off the hook starting today by allowing yourself to make mistakes, laugh at yourself, embrace your flaws as uniquely yours, and let go of the rest. Life is to short.....

Remember, you are worth it.

Namaste,

Candice