"Can Our Marriage Be Saved?" Surviving Infidelity.

Nowadays, infidelity is not necessarily just with a live person; it can be one's secret porn addiction, chatting on-line with strangers for emotional or sexual pleasure (or escape), going to massage parlors for "happy endings", messaging old "friends" on facebook to get emotional or sexual needs met (note: this is not an exhaustive list). Regardless of the type of cheating, a spouse's infidelity can be traumatic for the partner and their children. During the initial stages of discovering such a painful betrayal, it is often extremely difficult for loved ones to cope. Partner's tend to feel shock, disbelief, anger, confusion and feel as though they can't think straight. Some may feel like they are going crazy, obsessing over their partner's every move, wondering when it will happen again. Older children and teens  report feeling like the cheating spouse betrayed them as well. They are left feeling confused, hurt, sad and angry as well.

Partners and their older children wonder what they did wrong to cause their spouse to be unfaithful. My answer is nothing. Cheating has to do with the person, not their partner or family. However, this is often hard to believe in the initial stages of discovery, and a spouse's act of being unfaithful is even more difficult to not take as a personal attack on oneself and the relationship.

With all of this pain and betrayal, is it possible to survive such an intimate betrayal? Actually, it is. Here is how:

1.Counseling.  Surviving infidelity is possible if both the partner and unfaithful spouse are willing to seek counseling either together, separately, or both by a therapist who specializes in relationship betrayal. Some therapist may say they work with couples where there has been an intimate betrayal, however, they actually don't have the background, training or experience in doing this type of complex work, especially if their is a sexual addiction or other addictions present.

2.  Rigorous Honesty by the cheating spouse. Cheating is based on lies and secrets, especially when the person cheating is already in a committed relationship. The affair is illusive because it was created on false premises, secrets, betrayal and lies. Thus, the spouse must get completely honest with themselves and their partner about what the underlying and "real" issue is that drove them to cheat. (Note: In sex addiction treatment, due to the trauma that partner's endure with on-going sexual acting out, a formal disclosure process is followed that allows the partner and spouse to have ample preparation and support by their therapists to ensure the partner is not continuously traumatized by on-going disclosure).

3. Boundaries. Partners often feel as though their boundaries have been stepped on by their spouse usually long before the intimate betrayal.  However, often times they don't know how to implement healthy boundaries. Through therapy, and with a lot of support, we encourage partners to identify what their new boundaries are as well as their "deal breakers." A deal breaker is a behavior(s) that the partner will absolutely not tolerate (for instance, having sex with a minor, one's best friend or sibling/parent, is often a deal breaker for partners). However, a boundary may be that the partner will not allow the spouse to look at pornography any longer (note: if the spouse has a porn addiction, this may actually be a deal breaker for the partner). In order to recover, the spouse needs to be able to respect the partner's new boundaries.

If the spouse violates the "deal breaker" rule, it is crucial that the partner has a clear consequence and sticks to it. This is often very difficult but with the support in therapy, many partner's gain the strength and self esteem to follow through with their planned consequence (which sometimes is separation or divorce).

4. Self Care. It is extremely important during this time that partners' self care. This includes seeking safe support networks whom they can vent to and spend time with as needed. Group therapy and workshops can be effective ways to gain on-going support by others who understand the repercussions of such a painful experience. Exercise, rest, eating healthy are very important during this time yet often challenging at first. With support and guidance in therapy, partner's start to learn that the importance of putting their needs first.

5. Therapeutic Separation. At times, a therapeutic separation, guided by the partner and spouse's therapists, is necessary to allow both parties to get clear on what they want and need in the relationship. This is often encouraged if boundaries are continuing to be crossed, or the household becomes so contentious that one or both parties and/or the children are emotionally suffering. These usually last 90 days and can be very beneficial with clear goals, structure, and follow through by both parties.

To learn more about how to survive infidelity in a safe, supportive environment, contact our office at 801-272-3500 to schedule an assessment. Also, please join intimacy disorder expert Candice Christiansen, CMHC, CSAT and Kate Johnson, LCSW on March 1st, 2014 from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. We are offering a Saturday Intensive called Intimate Betrayal where we will explore what spouses can do to begin their healing from infidelity and/or their spouses sexual addiction. Email Candice at candice@namasteadvice.com or call 801-272-3500 if you are interested in attending. Tuition is $150 for the three hours; $140 early bird special if paid in full before March 1st 2014.

Let Go of the Outcome.

Why are you holding on so tightly? Are you afraid? What is your fear about?...Being alone, unloveable, or found out that you are not good enough? Can you tap into the origin of that primal feeling of terror in the pit of your stomach? That angst that keeps you gripping so intensely that you may be grinding your teeth as you read this?

See if you can figure out where this fear is coming from. This may be hard if you are in a space in your life where your fear is ruling most of your thoughts and actions. When we are gripping with constant fear, we can actually become depressed and start to feel hopeless.

Take a deep breath right now. For most of you, breathing deeply is a foreign concept due to living in so much fear all the time. Do it again. Breathe, right now, so that your belly and chest rise to the count of atleast 5. Do it again. Such a simple concept and yet when we are in such fear, we hold our breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What if the other shoe inevitably drops? Or what if both shoes are on the ground already, and nothing is going to drop?

The point is that fear doesn't help you with anything. Sure, we may have an underlying level of fear in our DNA based on how our brains are wired. However, this doesn't have to drive you!

What if for just a moment you:

LET GO.

Take a deep breath right now. Breathe. Say to yourself, "Let Go." Repeat this.  Do this 3-5 times and notice any shifts in your body. What are you noticing?

If you can detach yourself in this moment from any unforeseen outcome, you are giving yourself an amazing gift. The gift of letting go allows us to be free of any expectations that a situation has to look a certain way. Set yourself free in this moment to just be in today. Forget about what may happen tomorrow or the next day. Forget about what your loved one may say or choose to do. Focus on you and let go of the rest. The rest doesn't matter. All that matters is that you are here, happy, in this moment. So breathe. Detach. Let go. Trust that all is well and no matter how uncertain life feels right now, all will continue to be well. You are always provided for, always loved, and everything always happens for your highest good.

Remember, you are WORTH it.

Candice

Art work: 16x20 Limited Edition Signed Matted Print, Off To Fairyland (By Way of Fairyloons), fairy, flying away, fantasy art, fairy art, surreal art.

Honor the Divine In You.

The Authentic You Knows How To Heal. A lot of people ask me what the word Namaste means. When I tell them in the most simplest terms that it means, "The Divine in Me Honors the Divine in You" some wonder, why I would name an outpatient program that heals trauma and intimacy disorders such a name. After all, it is hard to spell, difficult to pronounce, and can be confusing, right? Why not call my program something like "Center for Healthy Relationships"?

On my own journey towards healing and self-discovery, I have realized that who we truly are is not our illnesses, struggles, or addictions. Who we truly are is divine grace, light, love, peace, unity, healing, kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and honor.

We each embody an innocent child that lives within us needing comfort and love as well as a reminder that we are safe, ok and that what we often feel (any discomfort) is just sensation, usually from our past.The sad reality is that many people often forget their inner child, as the ravages of past trauma, on-going shame, any addiction, and unresolved pain leave them feeling empty and confused.

Because they have forgotten their innocence, many wander the world aimlessly with a deep-seated hunger pang  that keeps them craving relief, often at their own expense. In such confusion they often blame those closest to them, specifically their loved ones and partners, often because they are too afraid to look in the mirror.

It seems easier to avoid and escape via food, alcohol, prescription meds, illegal drugs, relationships, over-spending, over-working, hoarding, depriving, over-exercising, under or overeating, etc.,  than do the hard but rewarding work to re-connect with one's true self.

Naming my program Namaste Center for Healing made perfect sense to me, particularly because healing from trauma and addictions is about tapping into that divine part of each of us, that innocent child that desperately needs to be heard, loved, and embraced. Once we re-connect with our inner child, we learn how to be authentic,  how to tune into our vulnerability, and how to honor our struggles while forgiving our past. The key is figuring out HOW to tap into this part of ourselves and embrace him/her.Through the use of EMDR, Mindful CBT, and a structured Task and Research based approach, we help people find this part of themselves.

If each person were able to honor their own divinity (which entails forgiving their past and embracing each moment with healthier tools for communicating, self-nurturing, and staying emotionally and physically safe), they would heal and relationships would prosper. With a lot of consistent practice, structure and support, this is absolutely possible!

This week, see if you can find that quiet space between your inhale and exhale where your inner child lives. Take a slow deep breath, hold it, then release it, and say to yourself, "Namaste."

I honor the divine in you.

You are worth it.

Candice

Just. Be. You.

You are perfect as you are....

How often have you felt like you are not enough, aren't doing enough, don't have what you want; your life is not "perfect"? How often do you beat yourself up because of your past choices, your current situation, because you aren't social enough, aren't educated enough, don't have the right car,  house or job, or relationship? How often do you perseverate on your traumatic past or fear your unknown future?

Ask yourself right now: "Is my thinking benefitting me?" 

The more you focus on what you don't want, the more you create what you don't want. And, what you believe you truly see. The more you worry about the past, the more you cheat yourself out of your present moment; you cheat yourself out of who you are right now.

What would it be like if you were to accept all of you as you are in this moment? Accept that you are perfect, be-YOU-tiful, pure, innocent, and that there is nothing you have to do to change anything? How would you feel?

What comes to mind when you read, "Just be you"? Many people look puzzled when I say this, or when I ask them "Who are you?" Most clients admit, "I don't know who I am." Rest assured that this is normal.

So, what if you don't know who you are because you are evolving all the time?

What if you are a Be-You-Tiful evolution that expands and contracts in time and space, with every lesson and experience?

Can you allow yourself to Be You as you evolve, letting yourself ebb and flow with the winds of change, trusting that a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, you will be even more amazing and powerful than you are today?

If you can begin to practice the art of being you, you will quickly start to notice your true essence: your pureness of spirit. How Be-You-Tiful you truly are.

I love watching my clients as they transform from the depths of their trauma and/or addictions into the expansive beings that they were born to be. Like butterflies, they spread their wings and fly using their tools of surrender, trust, forgiveness, self respect, and unconditional love to soar. They have tremendous courage and are truly an inspiration.

This is YOU.

So this week, Be-You-Tiful, and notice that when you own this magnificent part of you,  you inspire others to do the same.

Namaste~ Candice

It's Not About You.

It is not about YOU. Are you taking things too personally?

Do you find that you have a habit of taking things personally? Do you feel like people's anger, frustration, concerns are a direct result of you or something you did? Do you often feel like you are walking on eggshells with someone you love, your co-workers, even strangers or passers-by?

What if others' moods, behaviors, thoughts and feelings have absolutely nothing to do with you? What if what they are experiencing is truly a reflection of their inner world?

I am not saying that we are never accountable for our thoughts, feelings, or actions towards others; we are. However, often times many people take others' actions, thoughts or feelings too personally, as though they are their own, when in reality, they have nothing to do with them.

In my experience, this is the result of what we learned while growing up. The first place we learn about thoughts, feelings, and how to interact with others is from our parents, followed by our siblings. We watch, sense, listen, and experience things from our family of origin that shape our core beliefs, then we create what I call "illusive" (false) story-lines that we think are real (but are not). These false beliefs and stories drive our interactions with others, often in a negative way.

Part of taking things personally is about being overly-sensitive to the needs and wants of others. Elaine N. Aron (1997) wrote a book called "The Highly Sensitive Person. In it, she describes how certain people grow up with a propensity for being highly sensitive to others as well as loud noises, large crowds and crowded places. They often get tired, hungry and irritable when overloaded with stimuli. There is nothing wrong with a highly sensitive person, they are simply really tuned into their environment. If you can relate to this, there are things you can do in order to manage your sensitivity.

If this doesn't apply to you, but you are having a challenging time in your life (divorce, separation, losing a job, experiencing a death, or other stress), the following will also apply:

1. Use self-talk. If someone gets angry, check in with yourself by doing an internal checklist starting with the question: Is this about me? Most often people point the finger at someone else when in reality it is not about the person in which the blame is directed! If there is something you said or did that offended the other person, be accountable for it and commit to changing your behavior. Yet, if you didn't, mentally check this off and say to yourself "This is not about me" or "This is not my issue."

2. Laugh at yourself. Are you too serious? Is it possible that you are taking things too personally when you could lighten up? Find humor in the situation! Life is really quite comical if you allow yourself to see the humor in our day to day experiences.

3. Breathe. This is the BEST resource that we have for FREE! Yet, very few people use it moment to moment to calm themselves down. Breathing deeply accesses the Parasympathetic Nervous System responsible for "Rest, Digest." Shallow breath is responsible for "Fight, Flight, Flinch, Freeze." Take 3 deep breaths while you self talk and notice how much calmer and more clear you feel. Do it this week and notice how your perspective changes!

So much is not about YOU but if you take things personally, you will believe everything is on your shoulders. This week, begin by using these basic steps to lighten your mental load. Only take on what is actually yours. Let everything else go.

You are worth it.

Namaste~

Candice