I always tell people the quickest way to work on your stuff is to get in a relationship. Why?
You are able to work through so much of YOUR own baggage....if, that is, you are willing to see the other person as a reflection of you: the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful.
The challenge is that most of us have a hard time looking at our pasts. So we blame our partner for our own actions, choices, responses, mistakes. We claim that if only they did this for us or that for us then we'd be happy, different, feel better, feel good about ourselves.
Take a minute and reflect on the past week. Did you put a lot of pressure on yourself? Did you feel a lot of stress if your checklists and deadlines were not completed or met? Did you try to be perfect?
Notice where in your body you feel this pressure to perform and be perfect. Do you clench your jaw, tighten your stomach, hold your breath? Do you eat less or more, feel irritable or sad, get quiet and withdrawn, or act more rigid and reactive towards others?
Nowadays, infidelity is not necessarily just with a live person; it can be one's secret porn addiction, chatting on-line with strangers for emotional or sexual pleasure (or escape), going to massage parlors for "happy endings", messaging old "friends" on facebook to get emotional or sexual needs met (note: this is not an exhaustive list). Regardless of the type of cheating, a spouse's infidelity can be traumatic for the partner and their children. During the initial stages of discovering such a painful betrayal, it is often extremely difficult for loved ones to cope. Partner's tend to feel shock, disbelief, anger, confusion and feel as though they can't think straight. Some may feel like they are going crazy, obsessing over their partner's every move, wondering when it will happen again. Older children and teens report feeling like the cheating spouse betrayed them as well. They are left feeling confused, hurt, sad and angry as well.
Why are you holding on so tightly? Are you afraid? What is your fear about?...Being alone, unloveable, or found out that you are not good enough? Can you tap into the origin of that primal feeling of terror in the pit of your stomach? That angst that keeps you gripping so intensely that you may be grinding your teeth as you read this?
The Authentic You Knows How To Heal. A lot of people ask me what the word Namaste means. When I tell them in the most simplest terms that it means, "The Divine in Me Honors the Divine in You" some wonder, why I would name an outpatient program that heals trauma and intimacy disorders such a name. After all, it is hard to spell, difficult to pronounce, and can be confusing, right? Why not call my program something like "Center for Healthy Relationships"?
