Recognizing Trauma From Intimate Partner Betrayal

This Blog is written by our Trauma/Partner specialist, Annie Jacobs, LAMHC, EMDR Trained

**In order to make content clear, I will refer to the person acting out sexually as the Addict, and the partners of the person sexually acting out as the Partner.**

Take a moment to reflect on the following statements often made by the partner of an addict: 

“I feel like I’m a crazy person."

"I’m acting like a crazy person!”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I just want to feel normal again, like how I felt before I knew everything.”

“I feel like I’m floating through life, like I’m not even in my body.”

I have heard these statements numerous times by many partners who have experienced intimate partner betrayal. The painful reality of discovering the addict’s sexually acting out, whether that is with porn, sex, compulsive masturbation, visiting massage parlors, or hiring prostitutes, is devastating. It is difficult to describe in words how painful it really is. It may feel like your whole life has been turned upside down and you have been living a lie for years. 

How can you tell if you are traumatized by the addict’s behavior? Do you recognize the signs and symptoms of how it has affected you? Some signs and symptoms may be obvious, such as struggling to sleep or loss of appetite. Other signs and symptoms may go unnoticed. In the workbook Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addictsby Stephanie Carnes, PhD, Maria A Lee, LMFT, and the late Anthony D. Rodriguez, LCSW, the first chapter helps you understand how traumatizing it can be and helps you identify the different ways it has affected you by exploring emotional, physical, and spiritual symptoms. 

Emotional symptoms you may be experiencing, but not limited to, are:

• Feeling numb
• Avoiding thinking about the betrayal
• Denial
• Shock
• Confusion
• Weeping
• Anger/Rage
• Withdrawing from people in your life
• Fear
• Paranoia

Physical symptoms you may be experiencing, but not limited to, are:

• Sweating
• Panic attacks
• Insomnia
• Fatigue
• Migraines/Headaches
• Difficulty concentrating
• Overeating/Undereating
• Inability to work

Spiritual symptoms you may be experiencing, but not limited to, are:

• Anger with God
• Blaming God
• Doubt in God
• Feelings of guilt
• Feelings of low self-worth not related to trauma
• Feeling unworthy in relation to God

(For a more extensive list, please see Facing Heartbreak, Chapter 1, pages 20-22)

For those who identify with one or more of these symptoms it is normal to feel that way. One of the most validating things I let Partners know is any sign or symptoms they may be experiencing is normal for the situation they are in. Please hear me when I say you are not crazy. 

It is normal to go through a rollercoaster of emotions in a single week/day/hour/minute when dealing with the discovery of the sexually acting out addict. 

Some days you may feel hopeful that everything will be okay and you can get through this. Other days you may find you do not have any motivation to get out of bed, you feel numb, or like you are just going through the daily motions of life. Other times you may experiences extreme bouts of anger, rage, and disbelief that this is what your life has become. You may try to think of every possible thing you can do to “fix” the relationship, while other days you dream of leaving by breaking up or divorcing the addict.

“This doesn’t feel normal.”

“Will I ever get through this?”

“I don’t know how to manage the anxiety/depression/emotions. It’s too overwhelming to think about.”

The emotional roller coaster of intimate partner betrayal absolutely does not feel normal. Your world you once lived in is now completely turned upside down by the bomb of discovery and now you find yourself trying to make sense of the destruction that lies before you. It feels completely overwhelming and debilitating. 

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Reach out for support from a trusted friend or family member. Find your own personal therapist familiar with porn/sex addiction and intimate partner betrayal. With support from trusted friends, family members, and your personal therapist you can get through this! You do not have to go through this alone! 

“I feel like I can’t tell anyone about this because I no one understands what I’m going through and what this feels like.”

“I’m afraid to tell anyone because I don’t want them to tell me to leave or think I’m stupid for staying in the relationship.”

You may find it difficult to confide in a friend or family member, which is why it is so important in finding a therapist familiar with your situation who is an expert in partner betrayal. Group therapy is an amazing way to connect with other partners who are going through very similar situations as you. It is a place to share your story, your thoughts and concerns, and your frustrations in a healthy supportive way. Group therapy, combined with individual therapy, is a great way to help you feel supportive through this difficult process and start healing deep trauma wounds. 

Remember: You are loved and worthy. You do not have to go through the emotional roller coaster alone. We are here for you!

For partners reading this, I am starting a partner group for women healing from intimate betrayal. Group starts Thursday, August 2nd, 2018 from 6-7:30 p.m. RSVP: 801-272-3500. Flier link:https://www.smore.com/m46ze

Namasté, 

Annie Jacobs, LACMHC
Namasté Trauma and Partner Specialist

YOU INSPIRE...

This week's blog is inspired by Sarah Blondin's Podcast, Live Awake. Thank you Sarah for continuing to inspire me to go inward to reach the depths of my soul's purpose with loving kindness. (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/live-awake/id1030019034?mt=2)

I often write when I feel inspired and I will be honest, it has been awhile. Fear and overwhelm can do that to a person. 

Can you relate? Do you lack inspiration lately or has it been awhile since you REALLY felt inspired at the core of your being, from the depths of your soul to create something new and powerful and deliciously splendid?

How often do we wait for something or someone outside of ourselves to create our most powerful, life changing shift? How often do we feel stuck or trapped in our own existence hoping and praying that something greater than us will wave it's magic wand and poof- we will be set free, make a decision, take that job, start something new, buy the home we have always wanted, marry the person we adore and whom truly adores us, leave an abusive relationship, live our passion, go back to school, retire, play more, go on an adventure, dance, laugh more, trust more, love the way we want to love, etc. etc. etc.? 

The reality is that we are allcurrently free to do any of the things we want. However, we have bought into our own outdated stories and beliefs that we aren't worthy of having the life we deserve--that someone else has control over our decisions, choices, and happiness.

Perhaps that someone is not a person but our own FEAR. 

"An animal caught in a trap will lash out if you let them loose, for they feel powerless in the face of life. They have become victim of circumstance and are unable to see that the same thing that has hurt them can also set them free."--Sarah Blondin, "Reclaiming Our Misplaced Power", Live Awake). 

Such a beautiful quote by Sarah Blondin. Oftentimes, weare the ones who keep ourselves in a locked enclosure called our own lives, claiming we are trapped or stuck for whatever reason only to realize that it is ourselves who hold the key to our own freedom. When I feel uninspired and stuck, it is ME that is getting in my own way. I may say it's my partner, my friend, someone at work, a family member, etc. But at the end of the day, I hold the key to allowing my own internal freedom, to living from a space of pure love, joy and inspiration. It is my choice whether or not I use the key to free myself of old stories and beliefs that hold me back. The same is true for you. 

Today dear ones, see if you can let the things that you fear inspire you. Maybe that looks like a consideration. For example, considering options for taking a new job, building the home you have always wanted, starting school, setting a goal for retirement, loving the way you want and who you want, being free to be your gorgeous, authentic self? If you can't actually DO anything because fear has stifled you today, then perhaps you can allow a thought to gently flow through you such as "What if I simply consider...(a new job, home, retirement, playing more, etc)?" If you feel like taking the next step, share your consideration with a safe person who you know will listen and support you in your consideration. 

I think we all forget this so in case you have, please know that YOU INSPIRE OTHERS and YOU INSPIRE ME to keep writing. Each and every one of you is an inspiration to someone every day whether you know it or not. For instance, yesterday I was inspired by one of the most talented trauma therapists I know-the same was true for my whole clinical team. We paid it forward immediately by sharing the inspiration we felt from her with our clients. IT WAS SO POWERFUL. Today, I want you to know that you inspire me with your ability and courage to be here and live another day in the best way that you know how dear ones. 

As always, I am sending you love, light and the spirit of aloha today and every day, 

Candice

YOU MATTER.

Sometimes, when the world seems so big and overwhelming, and the demands of life too much, we need a reminder from someone, anyone that says, "Hey, YOU matter."

When our relationships seem like they are going nowhere or we feel stuck in our job, or we can't communicate the way we want to, or we struggle to figure out a decision, we need someone to gently remind us of these words, "You matter." 

After a long day, when we are exhausted and can't cram anything more into our brains, when we are so tired and stressed that we cannot fall asleep or stay asleep, we need the comfort of a whisper that calms us by saying, "You matter." 

When we wake up and feel hopeless, helpless, out of control, or lost, we need someone to reach out their hand and remind us that we have a purpose, a mission, that, "You matter." 

I am here to tell you that today. You matter dear ones. You matter in this world. Everything can change in one second. One second. So if you feel like you don't matter now, in one second after me saying that you do, I want you to take a deep breath and feel that. Even if you don't believe those words, I do. 

YOU MATTER. 

Much love, light, and aloha dear ones,

Candice
 

Drawing a Line in the Sand: Boundary Setting

Drawing a Line in the Sand...

Having your boundaries violated can be devastating, especially when it is repeatedly done by family members, friends, and especially intimate partners. For some, having your boundaries violated can become such a "normal" occurrence that you may not even realize when it is happening. So, how do you know when one of your boundaries has been violated? Answer the following questions: 

• What does your body tell you when someone violates your boundary?
• What do your emotions tell you when your boundaries are crossed?
• Do you feel uneasy, like you are on the edge of getting ready to run? Do you feel your walls come up, becoming guarded with your speech and body language? Do you become angry and/or aggressive?
• What do you DO when someone violates your boundaries?  Do you ignore it, call it out, set boundaries? Allow your boundaries to be crossed?

If you know the answers to these questions, you are in great shape. If you do not know the answers, do not worry! These questions can be hard to answer and some situations are more clear than others when boundary violations come into play. My hope is that I can give you some clarity around how to recognize your boundary has been violated and how to put boundaries in place with the people who violate them.

I will start by sharing a personal example of how I encountered a Boundary Violator.I was shopping at Home Depot and a female employee was helping me find what I was looking for. After we found the product, we struck up a casual conversation about my hair. (For those who have not met me, I have VERY naturally curly hair). The conversation went like this:

Female Employee: “Do people just come up to you and touch your hair?”

Me: “Yes! All the time!”

Female Employee: “And don’t you just hate that?”

Me: “I really do!”

Female Employee: “Well, I’m going to do it anyway”

And she proceeded to touch and grab my hair. I was in SHOCK! On the outside, I laughed it off like it was oh-so-funny, but on the inside I was so disgusted. How could this random stranger think it was okay to touch and grab my hair AFTER I just let her know how much I hated random people touching me? What kind of person does this? This is what I call a Boundary Violator- someone who violates another boundaries then shows no remorse for their violation.  

After the incident, I was furious. I was mad at myself for freezing and for just laughing it off. I thought of a million different responses I wish I had said instead. I wish I had yelled at her and told her how disrespectful that was. I wish I had demanded to speak to her manager to let the manager know their employee was touching and grabbing customers without their permission. I wish I had slapped her (granted I wouldn't have, but I sure felt like it!). AND, underneath all of the anger, I wanted to cry. I felt unseen, unheard, and like I did not matter, like I had to let people do whatever they wanted to me.

Looking back at this situation, I realized I had bought into an old story of having to be nice to strangers. The story goes like this: If I am not nice to strangers, then I was a mean/bad person.I know now that it is okay to put boundaries in place with strangers and I do not have to “let” people touch me if I do not want them to. They don't get to have access. I know now it would have been perfectly acceptable to let the employee know it was not okay to touch me without my permission.

When our boundaries are violated, we sometimes feel a lot of shame that we “let that happen” and now feel as if it is our “fault” for them violating our boundary. Remember, it is not your fault someone else does not control their actions.

The first step in setting boundaries is to recognize when your boundary is being violated and by whom. For example, your partner yells at you every time they get drunk or look at porn and you feel unsafe being around them but stuck. 

The next step is deciding what the consequences are going to be if your boundary is violated. For example, your boundary with your partner would be to not control their anger regardless of what their choices are and the consequence would be you will leave the environment until they have sobered up. It is also good to consider the consequences if they continueto violate your boundary. If your partner continues to yell at you when they are drunk, a more severe consequence would be you will leave the relationship if it continues or they get to move out.**

**Make sure you are okay with the consequences you have put in place if someone breaks your boundary. If you are not okay with the consequences, the more you are likely to notfollow through with implementing the consequence and letting someone continue to violate your boundary. Be gentle on yourself if you struggle with holding a boundary especially if you are not used to doing so (and get support and help from safe, trustworthy people to help you set the boundary!). 

The next step is to put your boundary in place and let them know of the consequences if they continue to violate your boundary. Setting boundaries can be difficult especially when you are dealing with difficult people. Some people (many) will not react very well when you put a boundary in place, especially if they have gotten away with violating your boundary in the past. They may treat you like it is a punishment, blame or guilt you, or try to manipulate you in order to break your boundary. One of the biggest things to remember when you are setting boundaries is that it is not about punishing at all but rather, it is about feeling safe and creating safety and trust. Gently remind them (and yourself!) this boundary is not to punish them, but to help you feel safe and be able to trust the other person.

Always remember to reach out for support from friends, family, spiritual communities, your therapy group and your therapist. Setting boundaries can be scary and intimidating and you deserve support through that process. We are here for you!

To recap...

1. Recognize how your boundary is being violated
2. Who is violating your boundary?
3. Decide consequences and make sure to ask yourself if you feel comfortable following through with the consequences (get support in picking a consequence that you can stick to).
   1. Remember, you are setting boundaries out of love for yourself and to feel safe and trust again! 

4. Put the boundary in place and let them know the consequences if they continue to violate your boundary: “I am no longer going to put up with yelling and/or name calling when we are having an argument. If you continue to do this, then I will walk away from the situation until you are able to talk to me calmly.”

    - Some boundaries may escalate to stronger consequences: “If you continue to call me names I will end our relationship.”

5. Gently remind yourself setting boundaries is not about punishing someone else, it is about feeling safe in your relationship and environment.

6. Reach out for support! We are here for you! You deserve it!

Namasté,

Annie Jacobs, LACMHC
Partner, Trauma, and Addictions Specialist

 

How To Stop Playing Small and Live the Life You Want

Do you play small in your life; in your relationships and at work? If you are unsure, read the following and see if playing small applies to you:

1. You wait to be asked or to share your truth(this is often a result of fear- read #2). Examples of this include waiting to share your opinion, waiting to talk at a meeting,  or waiting to share how you really feel with loved ones until and unless they bring issues up. You also wait to highlight just how talented you are unless asked by others to showcase your services. You hide. 

2. Fear overwhelms and ultimately defeats you. You fear rejection, judgment, disappointing others or losing love. So you comply with those around you both personally and professionally even if your soul is screaming that it wants something else. Even if your spirit calls you to be bold, brave and to spread your glorious wings; you clip them to make others comfortable. 

3.You cannot hear criticism. It literally crushes you. Your harsh inner critic is constantly beating you up so there is no way you could possibly hear others criticize you. Again, you hide.  

4. You don't own your voice. After all, if you speak up you will be faced with #2 and likely #3 and we can't have that, right? So you don't say anything. Or, you act like you have control in either your relationship, professionally or in both settings by claiming you can set and hold a boundary, that you don't or won't allow your partner to control you, when in reality they control your every move. Sadly, you likely do this because playing big creates too many unknowns especially for those who benefit from you playing small. 

5. You don't trust yourself. You trust everyone else's opinion of you including what you are doing, who you are friends with, how you live your life, the job you have. Sadly, you may have surrounded yourself by people who like you playing small because it keeps them feeling big so they manipulate you into thinking you are not the best judge of character. Some family members may use the "intuition" tactic which involves something like, "I am intuitive and this is just what I see. I am here to help keep you safe." This is actually code for "I am here to keep you small and control you."  I have seen this all too often in domestic violence(DV) situations. By DV I am referring to emotional abuse, control as much as physical and verbal abuse. The abuser often plays the victim and manipulates everyone around the real victim in order to ensure that the victim continues to play small. This is a tactic to ensure the abuser stays in control, powerful and feeling big (which is an illusion). 

6. You allow others to control your decisions. See #5.  

7.Happiness continually escapes you. Even when you try to be happy, because you often wait for others to give you an opinion as to what makes you happy, or give into being controlled, you never really are happy. You have gotten so used to living in the small cardboard box that you call home that to step out of it feels daunting. 

Can you relate to any of these signs(and examples)? If you can relate to even one, it's time to take a look at changing your small game to playing big! 

The spiritual leader, author and lecturer Marianne Williamson wrote the quote at the top of this blog. Her quote in its entirety reads: 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" (retrieved from: http://famousquotefrom.com/marianne-williamson/).

Whether or not you believe in God, this quote is a powerful reminder to anyone who has played small in their life. Here is the reality:  We are likely afraid to embrace the fact that we are powerful beyond measure! Read that statement again. You are likely afraid of being powerful beyond measure. 

WHY? 

Think about it. If you show up for yourself (not everyone else) and allow yourself to really SHINE BRIGHTLY, to be brave and bold and live exactlyas you want, to own your strong and beautiful voice, all of your relationships will likely change forever-mind you everyone and every single thing will likely change forthebetterbut the fact that it is unknown is terrifying.  

As Ms. Williamson reminds us, "As you let your light shine, you indirectly give others permission to do the same."

• This starts with you being bold. Follow your heart. Follow your gut. Follow your soul. I promise you this is a GOOD THING. 
• It starts with you speaking up. Own your voice. Don't put up with bullshit. Speak your truth so loud that it silences those that wish to keep you small. 
• It starts with hearing the criticism. you don't have to "take it." Hear it. Often times those who criticize us live in glass houses. Seek out those who are capable of giving healthy and constructive feedback. 
• It starts with you facing your fears; feel the fear and do it ANYWAY. When we face the dragon we realize it is really Puff, the Magic Dragon wearing a mean dragon costume. It's not as scary as we think and we are powerful beyond measure! 
• It starts with blinding people with your light; trust me those that can handle you shining will stay around and turn on their own inner lightbulbs. The posers will eventually blow out of your space (likely after they kick and scream a bit via an adult tantrum). 

Remember, you playing small DOES NOT SERVE THE WORLD. It does'nt serve you, your loved ones, any of your relationships. If you have children, playing small teaches them to play small. So....

Live the life you want. It is time to shine, to play big. 

As always, you are SO worth it. I am cheering you on every step fo the way dear ones! 

Aloha and Namasté, 

Candice 
Founder of Namasté Center For Healing

Want to receive our newsletter?Email Candice@namasteadvice.com. 

Summer Workshops and Retreats! 
Embracing Your Sacred Yoni: A Tantra Workshop for Women!June 16, 2018, 10-3 p.m. with Candice Christiansen and Yoga Therapist Debbie Coleman. RSVP: 801-272-3500; candice@namasteadvice.com. Women's bodies, our genitalia especially have been subjected to abuse, on-going violation, objectification, deceipt and manipulation, pain, medical and other forms of trauma, ignorance, judgment, disgust; you name it! It is time we come together to embrace the honor of being female. We deserve to come together to heal our divine feminine bodies so that we can show up as the powerful women we deserve to be for ourselves, our loved ones and the world! Link to flier:  https://www.smore.com/sp4vz

Let Love Make You: A Couples Tantra Retreat in Maui!August 17-19! Link to Flier: https://www.smore.com/u8xb9