Part 3 of A Sex Addict's Journey

This is a continuation of a blog series written by an anonymous male sex addict in recovery. It was per his request that his blog be shared. In a class taught by one of Candice’s Clinical Associates,  the phrase “gas-lighting” was used. I immediately knew what that meant. I am kind of a movie buff. I love a wide range of movie genre’s and from various time periods. In 1944 a move came out called “Gaslight”. It is an excellent movie and it’s where this phrase comes from.

If you want to watch the movie, skip this paragraph since there are some spoilers in it. In the movie a young newlywed woman moves into the home her aunt had been murdered in. Soon after moving in her husband starts going out each night leaving her alone in the upstairs bedroom. The home is lit with gaslight lamps. Each night alone in her room she sees the gaslights flicker then hears banging, ghost noises in the attic. She is frightened and tells her husband when he returns. He looks at the lights and sees nothing as everyone knows there are no such things as ghosts.;)  So he gently tells her it is all in her head. Night after night this goes on and each night he gets more concerned with her mental health. Soon she is convinced she is insane, that the lights only flicker in her mind and the sounds are in her head. This is far from the truth. Each night her husband is going outside and coming into the attic. He lights the lamps up there which cause the gaslights to flicker in her room because of the change in gas pressure. He is searching for a treasure and telling his wife she is crazy even though he knows the truth. He is willing to drive her insane to cover up his actions.

So often we addicts regardless of their addiction (sex, drugs, alcohol, work, money, love, avoidance) never want to admit they are addicted. We think we can control things or just one more time and we’ll never do it again. We can keep the secret from anyone. If someone calls us on our crap we will gaslight them! We tell them they are crazy, that it’s all in their head; we think that we are really in control. What the other person sees is the truth but, especially with a partner, we can twist things to make it seem like they are crazy for thinking what they do. Here’s the scariest part of gaslighting for me: I did it to myself. I would get all caught up in my head convincing myself that the truth I could see right in front of me wasn’t the truth. I would get so good at the story, the excuse, and the justification that I’d start to believe parts. Going to a seasoned CSAT therapist will cut right through all that.

By my third session with Candice we were listing my secrets. I told her I could write a book with all my secrets. I’m not sure she believed me. Everything I had done since starting recovery, the 90 day sobriety contract, the ending of all my affairs and potential affairs, the fears of being found out, the hiding of even my therapy from my spouse, the shame of being arrested was all just the beginning. It felt overwhelming but I was in a bad place. The listing of secrets was painful. It was enlightening but I say that more in hindsight not as an observation I felt at the time. Sitting in front of Candice and telling her all the crazy, stupid things I had done in my addiction was embarrassing. I can see her sitting there doing an amazing job of keeping a neutral expression on her face as I slowly exposed the deepest darkest secrets I could remember. I was shocked at what I had done. I might be more shocked now than I was then. Only a few times could I see any hint on her face that she was surprised and even then she would remind me that she was not judging me. My gaslighting brain didn’t believe her and wanted to be skeptical. To borrow a common Candice phrase. “The reality” was hearing that and seeing her still be there was beginning the rewiring of my brain.

For almost 6 therapy sessions I told my secret acts. The more secrets I told the more I remembered. I felt like a piece of shit. I felt so much self-loathing and shame I wanted to quit daily. After each session I would go to the parking lot numb. I would sit there, usually with the key in the ignition, just staring. Sometimes I cried but usually I just looked at that grassy hill for half an hour or more. Often I’m not sure I was in my body. These secrets I was sharing were things I had buried deep inside and built every possible barrier around them so that I would never mistakenly let something out. Because of my religious upbringing I was afraid of anyone knowing. The Church teaches that the only sin worse than sexual sin is murder. With that kind of pressure that was no way anyone was going to break through my shell and yet here I was telling a therapist. I was drained, and exposed. Before each session I would wait in the lobby. I dislike being late so I was typically a few minutes early and would often watch other clients leaving the office before I went in. As I sat there mentally telling myself to not leave I would see these clients walk out with smiles on their faces and I’d wonder why I would walk out and be paralyzed in the parking lot. Funny how we expect everyone else’s experience to fit into our mold of how things “are”. Our reality IS reality to us but only because we often lack perspective. In my mind seeing them smiling as they walked out I knew I must be doing something wrong and they were doing it right. Reality check: Everyone’s experience is unique, not right or wrong!

As if sharing my deepest secrets wasn’t enough work Candice popped another one on me. She was requiring me to attend a group. What the freaking hell? I had no interest in sitting in a room with a bunch of guys talking about sex addition! There was no arm twisting but it was as close to arm twisting as you could get without actually physically twisting my arm. She told me she could not help me if I didn’t attend a group. Reading between the lines I heard. Attend the group or I won’t see you. It wasn’t said but it was effective. At the time Candice did not offer a men’s group in her practice so she had arranged for a colleague who ran groups to meet with me to see if I would fit in a group at their practice. Is there no end to the torture of my exposure? I was reluctant but still committed to this process as painful as it was.

Group… another nightmare for me to live through. Remember at this point I am meeting twice a week with Candice and sharing my secrets with her, sitting in the parking lot for long periods after each session dissociating and now I have a new weekly meeting?

I do not have permission to use the names of the facilitators of this group so I will call them Sam and Andrea to simplify the telling of this experience. I do want to point out that the practice that was running this group also had CSAT training. That is significant. I can now usually tell if a therapist has not been through the training and is certified. Sam and Andrea had not received certification but were working directly with CSAT therapists and Andrea has since worked on becoming a CSAT.

My first group meeting was scary. I did not want to be there. I came wearing a hoody and I didn’t take it off once the entire meeting. I am not sure what I expected but what I experienced was not it. As it turns out it was a brand new group just getting organized and so this was a first meeting of all the group members. Here’s what I know about that first meeting and I know this only because of all the work I’ve done to understand myself since then. I spent that entire time dissociated. That’s it. I remember seeing the people. I know who they are from subsequent meetings. I don’t remember saying anything. When I said that I was scared that might be an understatement. Fear, distrust, exposure, vulnerability, shame, embarrassment are the words that come to mind for me. I cannot speak for others as they attend group meetings. It is not an easy thing and it takes courage.

If you want recovery, have courage and attend a group meeting.

It isn’t so….What you thought was real isn’t, and that is a good thing.

Addicts lie. They cheat. They steal...time, money, energy, love, and trust. They deceive and betray. They hurt to the point where you can't fathom why you love them. But you do. You keep going back. Or you stay and put up with their crazy games. "Why do you put up with it?" People ask you. You try to explain your answers, justify your reasoning, rationalize half-truths. All for the sake of keeping what you thought was real alive.

But what is real?

A relationship with an addict is never real. It is based on delusion, and it is a delusion that rests on the false premise that they can keep their "dirty little secrets" hidden from the world.

But it never happens. It never is obtained, this double life, as someone always finds out. There is always a catalyst to cause a huge shift. Whether it be an ultimatum, criminal charges, an affair partner that comes forward, receipts from a "massage" parlor, money gone missing, or something else.

Shift inevitably happens.

Why is this? Why is it that there is a shift? Is it that the addict comes to his/her senses and wants change? Or is it based on fear of loss of a loved one(s)? Or both?

Usually there is an external factor that causes a shift to where the addict will reach out for help. In reality, deep down, sometimes in the addict's subconscious, they really want help. They hate the life they are living and want to connect with who they truly are.

Hence, why so many start treatment. For the first year you may feel like your partner (the addict) is making zero progress. You may be thinking, "He/she continues to lapse and relapse so therapy must be a waste."

But in reality, a whole lot of change is taking place. Changes that you may not be able to see, but that are real and lasting. I am talking about~

Brain changes.

An addict's brain literally begins to create new neural pathways through repetition of task-based assignments, discussions, trauma therapy, Mindfulness Techniques, and EMDR therapy.

Here is the thing: Who a person truly is has nothing to do with their addiction! Who you fell in love with has a PART of them that we call the addict. Yes the relationship may have been created with the addiction at play, but somewhere inside of you, you were drawn to the spirit of the person you fell in love with.

We all have parts; a vulnerable child, a protective addict or anorexic (or both) and a functional self (note: some people have several parts that developed to help them survive). For someone with addiction,  who they really are, their functional self, has gotten lost in the identity of the addict. However, even though they wear the addict's mask, they are NOT the addict.

This is why we know that sex addiction is a dissociative disorder as well as a disorder that oftentimes  results from complex trauma. The addict part of the person forms typically around 12-16 years of age to protect that vulnerable inner child part (who is usually 5-8 years old) from being harmed. Partners might say,

It isn't so!

But this is the case. When an addict enters therapy, he/she and their partner's world feels like it is turned even more upside down than it was. This is because for the very first time you are seeing your spouse without their addiction. So they literally might begin to look different, sound different, and start to act different. THEY ARE DIFFERENT. They are changing.

As the addict starts to learn new coping skills and begins to change, you realize that what you thought was real in your life with them before was not. Most of it was a delusion caused by the addiction and an attempt to cope with it. However, in recovery, you both get to cultivate a new relationship based on the Core Values Of Sexual (and other) Recovery~honesty/accountability, vulnerability, nurturing, healthy intimacy.

Your reality gets to be redefined by both of you (if you choose) with the support of seasoned therapists and with a lot of structure, education, patience (lots of patience), and guidance.

And soon, one day, the lies, deception, etc. will fade into the distance, and you both will embrace the light that has come out of the addict's darkness.

Remember, You are WORTH it!

Namasté,

Candice

NOTE: SIGN UP TODAY ! I am offering a gender specific Recovery Start Kit Workshop on Saturday Oct 18 (women) and Saturday Oct 25th (men). Explore the Soul Window, Positive Sexual Focus, and more!! Email me for details on cost, time,the Recovery Start Kit, etc.

A Sex Addict's Journey In Recovery Continued...

Written by a male sex addict in recovery. When I decided to start writing, to blog about my recovery, I had no idea how difficult it would be. I have struggled mainly with deciding what to share next. I am in such a different place than I was when I began this journey and so I want to share all the knowledge I now have. If I remember why I wanted to write though, I remember that I wanted to give a different perspective on what recovery from this addiction is. These first two posts focus mainly on a two week span of events. I did not plan that at first. As I wrote and rewrote them I thought about how difficult they were for me and probably for any addict starting recovery. So without it being the plan but feeling confident that the experience is beneficial to hear I stuck with those two weeks for these two posts.

Each recovering addict has a very unique experience. Sometimes we focus on the unique and forget the similarities. That is a mistake that I try to avoid; sometimes successfully and sometimes not so successfully.

If sex addiction is not a real addiction why do so many sex addicts go through withdrawal? Why have we white knuckled through our cycle of addiction? After my first appointment with Candice and signing of the 90 day sobriety contract, I felt I had no tools to stay sober other than white knuckling. I felt the withdrawal from my old way of life, the secret life that I had become addicted to. I don’t pretend to know what a substance abuser’s withdrawal is like but I can imagine I felt similar things. Not physical as in shaking, though I did feel it physically. It was more a mental withdrawal and a challenge to keep my ADHD brain focused for more than a few minutes on any task that week. I was lost in my head worse than any time I had self-imposed sobriety.

Most of the addicts I have associated with in my journey have a porn addiction mainly. The addiction to online porn is different than the porn I was exposed to as a youth. My sex addiction was well beyond porn by the time I met Candice but porn was a catalyst, my “entry” drug if you will.

In my Mormon home the word “sex” wasn’t even spoken let alone any nudity. I remember as a 6 year old getting out of the bath on a Saturday afternoon. My parents were upset about something and needed to call my brother in from the front yard. I saw a chance to help out and ran to the front door leaving the towel in the bathroom, opened the door and started screaming for my brother to come in. Before I knew it I was being yanked backwards through the air and being spanked so hard I peed. I’m laughing at the mental image now as I see the pee as I’m flying backwards into the living room. It is funny! I don’t remember anything after the flying pee. But it drove home hard the negative feeling of nudity. I share this experience to help build the basis of the confusion of seeing nude pictures for the first time. My first exposure to porn was playboy magazines that my neighbor had stolen from his grandfathers. I remember so many shocking things about that. Not just that there were nude pictures but that his GRANDFATHER had these magazines. I think we grow up believing everyone’s home experience is the same as ours. I thought all homes were as ridged as mine and that ALL family members went to church every Sunday.

In my second session with Candice the results of my Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI) were laid bare to me. I had no basis to understand what these results were going to tell but I felt exposed and embarrassed as she pulled open her computer to go over them with me. I don’t remember all the details of what we talked about. We talked about a few specific questions and why I had answered them the way I had. What I remember most was the scoring. Anything above a 6 was considered a sex addict. Anything above a 16 and it is recommended that one gets inpatient treatment. I scored a 17. What was ringing in my ears was “inpatient”. My head was swimming with thoughts. Over my life I have learned to hide my emotions. No, that’s not even true. I have learned to not acknowledge to myself that I had emotions. So in this swimming of thoughts my body did it’s best to hide any outward expression of the inward emotions. Inpatient would mean I could not keep this secret from my family. I was in terror and determined to not show it. I know now my addict needs to feel in control and showing emotion was not control to me. Thankfully Candice was willing to try and help treat me through bi-weekly sessions and group and if that didn’t work she would recommend inpatient. This option, twice a week sessions and group, was a savior in my mind. The fear of needing inpatient treatment would end up being a huge motivator for me these first few weeks of my recovery.

An important event happened at the end of this second session. In our first session Candice had discussed the cost of the SDI and a package of sessions she offered. Knowing that regardless of anything else my court order required at least ten sessions I opted for the package deal. Addicts to everything in secret! How do I pay for a dozen sessions and the SDI exam? A credit card? No, that leaves a trail for my spouse to question plus fees I hate to pay. A personal check? No my spouse would question. My option was to withdraw cash from an account my spouse did not see and pay that way. As the session concluded Candice was asking how I wanted to pay. I pulled out my wad of cash, several 100 dollar bills to purchase a 12-session package, and handed it to her. She looked at me and laughed. I had no appreciation for how I just made her feel. Remember addicts think they feel but honestly we just stuff those feelings. If we don’t know how we feel how can we recognize those around us feel? Being totally oblivious of the person in front of me I left the session rattled with the SDI, “threat” (in my mind it felt like a threat) of inpatient treatment and STRONG recommendation to attend a group. ALL of those were physically upsetting to me.

At the start of the next session Candice explained to me how handing her a wad of cash was similar to what I used to do when I acted out at massage parlors, giving women wads of cash for pleasure. She explained that her role as my Sex Addiction Therapist was to help me learn how to value me for me, not feel I have to pay people to create a sense that I have value. Being in recovery and beginning to feel the feelings we have stuffed so long those feelings are amplified. I was mortified at what I had done. I had felt nothing but gratitude for the honest, no bull shit help Candice was already offering me. I vowed to never pay in cash again. I can look back on that experience now and chuckle. It was a great learning experience.

Clarity Among Craziness: Truth Hides In Dark Shadows of Addiction

Sometimes you may find yourself feeling crazy, perverse, confused and literally besides yourself with the illusions you are surrounded with, including the life you are living.

This craziness is either your addiction, the consequences of your addiction,  or you reeling from your spouse's addiction.

It may feel easier and even comfortable to claim that you are crazy....

BUT ARE YOU REALLY??

Whether you are the one with an addiction or the loved one who has endured years of it's wrath, neither of you are crazy, or perverse, deviant, etc. The addiction is, and that part of you that struggles with it has gotten really comfortable with the drama, trauma, and recurring pain.

Why do we get so comfortable with the discomfort? Why do we tolerate the intolerable? Why do we trick ourselves into thinking the illusion is real?

Because we think the pain in some way serves us. What we don't realize is that the pain, like everything else, is just a symptom of a deeper issue. Anger, pain, sadness, hurt call attention to harm that has been done.

Thus, truth sometimes hides in dark shadows.

Addicts spend most of their lives hiding from discomfort and pain. Reality, after all,  is terrifying to them. They would rather live in an illusory world of photo-shopped images and fantasy-land relationships than deal with their traumatic pasts and failed attachments. Fear of rejection, vulnerability, and judgment is too overwhelming.

Recovery begins when the addict and their partner can shine light into the dark shadows and begin to look at the truth of their situation. Taking ownership for the results of the addict's choices is a big first step towards healing, along with a commitment to change (at all costs).

Learning how to be honest, vulnerable, ask for what one needs, and have intimacy in a non-sexual way are healthy values that develop between the addict and partner over time, with practice and perseverance.

Dark shadows are only cast when we turn our backs on the truth, thus CLARITY in our recovery causes craziness to fade.

This week, practice finding the truth in your situation, void of your past story-lines. Seek clarity over crazy-making thoughts. Search for solace inside the depths of your heart and soul, and quiet your mind.

Know that it takes a true survivor to recover from the madness we call addiction. You are one and so is your partner....and you both are worth it.

Namasté,

Candice

NOTE: If you are a sex addict wanting to get a jumpstart on your recovery, or a tune up on core concepts in recovery, I am offering a gender specific Recovery Start Kit Workshop on Saturday Oct 18 (women) and Saturday Oct 25th (men). Email me for details on cost, time,the Recovery Start Kit, etc.

"Why Am I Blogging?" Part I of A Male Sex Addict's Journey In Recovery

Written by Male Sex Addict. Shared at his request. I've read many blogs on sex addiction recovery. Many from religious points of view particularly the LDS point of view which is what I’m most familiar with having lived my life as an active Mormon. While I do not want to minimize those blogs I’ve always felt I did not quite relate to any of those. In comparison the actual sex addicts I’ve met and become friends with on my recovery journey are real and much easier to relate with. I know most of that is because of the vulnerable and honest exchanges we’ve had over time.

Just like you I’ve read stories in papers, online articles and listened to radio shows all discounting sex addiction as a real addiction. Or they equate sex addiction to sex offenders. Some of them are well meaning but obviously misinformed. I want to tap them on the shoulder and say “you’re looking at this wrong, you need a different perspective”. That’s what my therapist has told me from day one about myself.

Most blogs seem to start with “My Story” but for me that is not how my recovery began. I was in denial of “my story” at the beginning. I could not even see it let alone share it and therefore I will begin at MY beginning, therapy.

The first baby steps. My recovery process began in September of 2012. I had been court ordered to get some counseling. (I know this may seem an odd place to start because some information feels like its missing. But for those in my recovery circle at the time this is all the information I shared. Fear drove my actions and that fear did not allow me to expound more than this at the beginning.) I had six months to complete 10 sessions with a therapist. At first I didn’t want anything to do with therapy so I procrastinated and by the time I had my first appointment I had less than 10 weeks. The story of how I found my therapist is more than we need to go through here but maybe in another post as it is part of my “story”. I will just say that I made appointments with two other therapists and canceled them before finally starting recovery with Candice, my CSAT (Certified Sex Addition Therapist) therapist. There are no accidents, things happen for a reason. Let me say this, I will probably say it many times, everyone that is honestly seeking recovery deserves a therapist like Candice! I knew from that very first terrifying appointment with Candice that I had made a crucial step forward in my life. Because I was court ordered, after each of those first dozen or so sessions she would ask if I was still interested in coming back. I reiterated each time that I was there for me not for the court order. Something had clicked in my mind and I knew I had to do this. Near the end of that first session she had me sign a 90 day sobriety contract. In my mind I thought “what the hell is a sobriety contract, I don’t drink?” She explained that I could not look at porn and I could not masturbate. I believe she also said something about no sex with my spouse but it had been 9 months since we had had sex so that was not going to be difficult. I quickly took an inventory in my head thinking how simple this would be since I don’t have a porn or masturbation addiction. The hiccup came when I realized she was talking about cutting off contact with past or current acquaintances and that meant my “friend”. I called her my friend because that is what she was to me. Candice would later challenge this title of “friend” so I’ll call her AP which I’ll explain another time. My friend (AP) and I had had an affair in the past, which was our initial contact with each other. But it had moved beyond that, moved from the physical, to become a friendship. I my eyes she was my only true friend.  Not my lover or sexual partner but my friend and confidant over the previous 5 years. I talked to her daily either through emails, text or phone calls. Standing in Candice’s office I was in total panic, my stomach was in knots, I felt light headed, lost and alone. The panic must have shown or maybe I was physically shaking, I don’t know what showed but Candice calmly allowed me to exempt AP from the contract since it was not a physical relationship. I had shared how AP was the only person that I could talk to. This adjustment to my sobriety contract kept me in recovery.

That very day, after I signed the sobriety contract, I went into my secret email account and set about cutting off all ties to my addiction. That meant telling everyone I was communicating with through there that I was deleting the account. When I was talking to Candice I think I told her there were a few women I was talking to and that I could easily do this even though I had acted out the previous week. When I got into the account I found that I was communicating with 12 different women ALL at some level of inappropriateness for a married man. Most of them I was working with to arrange some rendezvous. I was an addict and it was screaming at me just how far out of control I was.

Looking back I realize why I felt so overwhelmed that first day. Candice was asking a lot of me and fast. She knew I was in a window of hope that she had to take advantage of to push me towards sobriety and recovery. In that same first appointment she told me a book I had to get and read, Out Of The Shadows, by Patrick Carnes. So much information piled on me, so many requests. I was quiet, shy and said only what I must to Candice BUT inside I was determined to gain from this for the start! I bought the book the next day. I had preconceived ideas of what it would say. I was used to the condemnation I felt from religious leaders and fellow travelers in this life for what I did in secret. I KNEW that this book would be more of the same that would bring out the shame I harbored inside but I would trudge through it because I had told Candice I would. Something I learned later in therapy was evident in that first appointment, that I did not know how to say no. In this case it proved to be beneficial.

How wrong I was about that book! I began reading at lunch the following day with my low expectations of interest in this book. After reading for my entire lunch break not really even eating I was shocked at what I felt connected to.  I could not relate all of the examples Dr Carnes shared but the ones I did relate to touched my heart. I felt for the very first time in my life that maybe someone knew what I was going through even if I did not really understand it myself. I felt that there were others who had been through this hell and worse. I headed back to work but my mind was still lingering on the fact that I wasn’t alone. (I would draw some comparison to finding out that you are not the last human being on the earth but that is not the alone feeling I had lived with. It is probably better described better looking at my mission I served in the orient. There were many times I was only person with a big nose, pale skin and anything but jet black hair. I wasn’t alone but I was SO different I was alone.) Sitting at my desk I was yearning to read more and unable to focus on my work. This was a commons feeling being an addict but the subject of my daydreaming was this book. I finally got up, went to my car and drove to a deserted road so I could read some more.  I finished the book in two days which, for a slow reader like me, is saying something. I will admit I skipped one section as it made me uncomfortable. I did not realize at the time why it made me so uncomfortable but looking back with the eyes of my recovery and knowledge of my past trauma I understand.

The requests from Candice for this first session are not complete yet. I had one more requirement she asked of me which was to take the SDI (Sexual Dependency Inventory) before we met again. If you have not taken the SDI or even the sexual addiction screening test (SAST) let me tell you it can be an intimidating task. Fear of being caught or found out, gripped me in all I done for many years. So much of my life had been done in secret this was simply another activity for me to hide from everyone. Candice warned me that taking the SDI could be triggering and that I should take it when I would have some support to help me from acting out. That was impossible for me as my spouse did not know I was even in therapy let alone taking a Sexual Dependency Inventory. She would be mortified. My friend, AP didn’t think Candice knew what she was talking about because we all know “Sex Addicts” are offenders and AP knew I wasn’t an offender. I was on my own to take this. Only knowing how to function as an addict at this point, constantly looking for secrecy and very adept at hiding my activities, I took the SDI on my smart phone sitting in a McDonalds using their free wifi for over two hours. It was exhausting and frightening. I feared most what Candice was about to find out about my secrets but I would have to wait a week to learn for myself.

And thus I had taken my first baby step towards recovery.