Be Resilient, Even In Your Darkest Hour

This past weekend, I had the honor and privilege of being in a room with 6 men and women who had the courage to take their recovery from trauma, addiction, and shame to the next level by attending my bi-annual Mastering the Trauma Wound Workshop.

Six individuals that may not have known exactly what they were getting into, but nonetheless all extremely courageous and willing to go deep into the core of their wounds to guarantee they will have a better future.

That is Resiliency.

Victor Frankl, the much praised writer, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor who found the will to live in the midst of horror asked himself why some prisoners survived, and others did not. He found that,

Survivors develop reasons to live which gives them hope for a brighter future.

When I think of the amazing individuals I work with day in and day out who spend countless hours in individual therapy, groups, and workshops multiple times per week, dedicated to having a better life and future, I am in awe at their dedication to bouncing back especially in the depths of their darkest hours.  These are incredibly strong men and women who struggle with lapses and relapses, but continue to get up, brush themselves off, take the feedback for making improvements on their journey, and move forward.

Sometimes it can be hard to be hopeful, to have resiliency, especially when society, family members, and loved ones place judgment on one's struggle and don't seem to understand that change takes time and includes a lot of trips, falls. Especially since you have been practicing this maladaptive behavior since you were a child.

Learning new coping skills can be hard and scary, particularly because it takes so much time, energy, effort, and practice.

This is where resiliency comes into play.

Being able to bounce back in your darkest hour takes courage and strength, especially when you feel the outside world is continually judging your struggle. You could, after all, give up and quit, going back to your old ways of living. But the reality is, most of you reading this have tasted the sweetness of recovery, if only for a few minutes a day, and know that there is something better waiting for you.

It takes the utmost courage to face your addictions, aversions, and own who you truly are~authentic, pure, innocent.

Recovery takes a lot of time. There is not a timeline, like so many people assume. To change your brain, literally, you must practice on a daily basis new ways of thinking, feeling, behaving both non-sexually (or non-substance abusing, or non-denting, non-gaming, whatever your vice may be).

Some days will be easier than others. On the days that you struggle, reach out to someone who you know will be able to give you some hope, whether it is your partner, friend, a group member, someone from your anonymous group, your sponsor, therapist.

In time you will realize that it gets easier to bounce back. You will notice that you are able to brush off the negative core beliefs easier while holding onto your new positive core beliefs to help you reframe each situation. You will create new story-lines that give you lasting hope, not the feeling of despair or shame that you have felt for so long.

We were all born with resiliency, and as children we had a natural, innate ability to bounce back. It is time to reconnect with that ability even if it takes courage and support.

Today, notice if you are feeling hopeful;  resilient. Explore why you feel this way and embrace the feelings. Also notice if you feel the opposite; despair, shame, and hopeless.  What may be causing these feelings, and what can you do to bounce back (i.e., talk to a safe person, journal, go to a meeting, group, talk with your therapist).

Always know that on this journey, you are not alone. You will get better; it just takes one step at a time, one moment at a time.

Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

NOTE: I am in the process of publishing my workbook Mastering the Trauma Wound. If you want to purchase one in the meantime, please contact me at: namasteadvice@gmail.com.

THE WORLD NEEDS YOU

I recently decided I wanted to fly a kite at a park near my house. The last time I flew a kite, I was 8 years old.  My father was in town after one of his military trips and took my siblings and I to a school near our house. We each got to fly our very own kites.

I bought a similar kite to the one I had as an 8 year old little girl. It was a small plastic barbie kite that cost me $1.50 at a children's toy store. Simple, but a beautiful symbol of one of the few good memories I had as a child. As I got ready to fly my barbie kite, I noticed that my heart started to flutter.

The 8 year old in me was eager to come out and play.

The wind quickly pulled her into the air.  She swayed back and forth, at times twirling suddenly, making whimsical shapes in the sky. She had a life of her own as she danced aimlessly through the warm afternoon air.

I was completely mesmerized as I looked up at her, amazed at  how easy it was for her to dance so fluidly, without a care in the world.  She looked so strong and powerful; a champion of the wind trusting it to keep her alive.  I felt so blessed to be right there with her,  holding her hand as we travelled together on this innocent, child-like melody.

I found myself reveling in this magical experience, wanting to stay there for hours in this playfulness of spirit. I was alive, free, dancing with her. This simple plastic barbie kite that I needed when I was an 8 year old little girl reminded me today of my purpose, which is to remind others of WHO THEY TRULY ARE free from the dark shadows of their addiction(s). I do this by mirroring strength, centeredness, fluidity and trust in the process, and by being fully alert in each moment with my clients.

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE. 

Sometimes you might forget what it is. However, it lives inside of you, waiting to be seen, heard, felt, and lived. It likely showed itself to you when you are young, and is evolving as you grow and change.

Like my childhood kite, we too are fluid and ever-changing Be-ings, similar to our purpose for being in this world, which also is an evolutionary process.

Some of the most creative, spiritual BE-ings on earth are those who have come from the darkest places including abuse, trauma, and addiction(s). Can you relate to this? Has your purposes been masked by your afflictions? Sometimes it may feel like a lot to acknowledge that:

THE WORLD NEEDS YOU. 

You have a divine purpose, and as you recover from whatever life has thrown your way, your purpose will continue to be revealed.

I have found in my own recovery that saying positive affirmations can get me through the most challenging of days:  One of my favorites for re-connecting me to my purpose is: "My life has a purpose and I matter."

Another affirmation that has worked to connect or re-connect me to my spirit of purpose is to say both morning and night (before bed) as I look in the mirror at myself: "Thank you for BE-ing in this world. I am truly inspired by you."

Finally, as I learned from one of my mentors, Deepak Chopra, sitting quietly and repeating these three questions before beginning my meditation practice, always leads me back to my life's purpose: "Who am I? "What do I want?" "What is my purpose?"

Sometimes it takes the simplest of reminders to re-connect us with why we are here.

Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Can sex addicts have "healthy" sex?

Individuals with sexual addiction engage in sexual acting out behaviors that often go against their value system. Most wish they could have a healthy relationship; however, due to many having a significant history of trauma (neglect, sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse), they often have a tremendous amount of shame, fear of being vulnerable, and an inability to self-regulate difficult emotions. As a result, they are unable to  be vulnerable, honest, and share intimacy with their spouse.  Sex becomes a way to alleviate emotional pain and feel validated, even if short-lived and superficial.

At Namasté Center for Healing, our goal is to teach both men and women the necessary skills for healing their trauma, and learn how to have healthy sexuality, healthy intimacy and lasting relationships.

Oftentimes, when men and women first enter treatment for sex addition, they express concern that they will never be able to have sex again, specifically healthy sex. Most don't know what healthy sex is.

The goal of sex addiction treatment is to help individuals stop destructive sexual acting out behavior and learn healthy intimacy including healthy sex in a committed relationship. While learning new neuro-pathways for recovery and healthy sex takes time, we reassure all of our clients that it is possible. We begin by having all of our clients take two on-line assessments: the Sexual Dependency inventory-4 (SDI-4), and the Post Traumatic Stress Inventory-Revised (PTSI-R).

These assessments drive our treatment planning process. We then have our clients sign a sobriety contract for 90 days. This allows individuals to experience withdrawal as well as assists us to begin to explore the deeper, hidden desires and issues underneath the addiction. After all, sex addiction is NOT about sex.

In order to explore what healthy sex is, we first explore what healthy sex is NOT:

• It is NOT exploitive
• It is NOT dishonest
• It is NOT secretive
• It has no victims
• It is NOT manipulative
• It is NOT child molestation
• It is NOT rape
• It is NOT incest

Through various discussions, assignments, and processes, we also explore what healthy sex IS:

• Healthy sex IS honest
• It IS consensual (both parties agree to it)
• There IS mutual enjoyment and equality in making decisions about sexual behavior
• It IS safe; both parties feel safe to explore sexually
• It IS based on trust
• There is vulnerability by both parties

We also teach our clients the four core values of sexual recovery. They are essential for having healthy sex in one's relationship, especially since non-sexual behavior always leads to sexual behavior. The four core values include: Honesty which creates Vulnerability; Vulnerability which creates Intimacy; Intimacy which creates Nurturance (The ability to ask for what you need as well as nurture your loved ones); and Nurturance which creates Intimacy (non-sexual and sexual connection).

Our clients often practice these new values in non-sexual ways  in our gender specific groups. We encourage them to also apply them with their partners outside of therapy. In our gender-specific Recovery Zone groups and once clients have significant recovery time (typically 1-2 years), we incorporate Alexandria Katehakis's book Erotic Intelligence as a guide for reintegrating intimacy as well as healthy sex into their relationship. If introduced too soon, we have learned that clients risk feeding their addiction instead of recovery behavior. Timing is key.

If you or someone you know has a sexual addiction, there is hope. Candice and her team of experts have trained with the pioneer of sex addiction treatment, Dr. Patrick Carnes and follow his task-based approach. Our goal is to help individuals and their partners achieve lasting recovery.

Is Sexual Sobriety Necessary for Sex Addicts?

Entering treatment for sexual compulsivity takes a lot of courage, especially in a culture where sex is seen as taboo on the one hand, but promoted and sold everywhere on the other. When men and women first enter outpatient therapy, they often continue to engage in sexually acting out via looking at porn, sexting strangers, engaging in various hook up apps, going to "massage" parlors, stripping, escorting; or engaging in the more hard core addict-offender behavior or exhibitionism or voyeurism.

Some if not most individuals have a difficult time when we ask them to sign a 90 day sobriety contract committing that entails not engaging in ANY sexual activity or other compulsive behavior (i.e., with substances, food, money, work, etc).

In some cases, we allow individuals who are in committed, long term relationships (i.e., married or in a union) to continue to be sexual with their partner unless they use sex with their partner as an escape, a form of exploitation, or another means to feed their addiction. We often have clients come to us voluntarily admitting that they need to do a sobriety contract even with their spouses for these very reasons (escape, exploiting, etc).

Sexual sobriety is a necessary tool for sex addicts seeking recovery, since, like someone with a substance addiction, if they were to continue to come to therapy after getting drunk, it would defeat the purpose of treatment. In order to get to the deeper issues and desires, one must abstain (for 90 days) from sex and anything related to sex.

We are wired to be sexual; this is human nature. However, with a process disorder such as sex addiction, an individual does not understand what healthy sex is. They use sex as a means to escape uncomfortable feelings, avoid intimacy, and flee from being truly attached for fear of rejection from their loved ones.  In order to learn, understand, and begin to practice healthy sexuality, one must first stop the destructive compulsive sexual acting out.

WHAT IS SEXUAL SOBRIETY ENTAIL?

Once individuals sign a 90-day sexual sobriety contract, we realize that they will begin to experience withdrawals, similar to  those experienced by individuals with substance dependence (anxiety, depression, irritability, loss of sleep, loss of appetite). Therefore, we encourage clients to get as much healthy support as they can in order to cope with the emotional and physical discomfort they often experience.

For instance, we emphasis attending individual and group therapy on a weekly or multiple times weekly basis, as well as completing daily assignments ("performables") from Dr. Patrick Carnes' Task Based Model, and attending SAA, SA, and/or SLAA meetings regularly.

An example of an assignment early on might entail doing a 3 Circle Exercise: The inner circle involves those things individuals must abstain from (i.e., porn, massage parlors, strip clubs, etc.) in order to remain sober. The middle circle entails warning signs (i.e., having access to porn on one's phone, driving in the neighborhood where one visited a massage parlor, being alone with one's computer). The outer circle entails new and healthy behaviors that will support one in recovery (i.e., therapy, quality time with their loved ones, exercise, adequate sleep, healthy food, meetings, getting a sponsor). We review this "working document" on a regular basis since one's cycle changes as they continue in treatment.

Partners sometimes feel uncertain about their spouse (the addict) signing a 90- day sexual sobriety contract for fear that they will experience more punishment as a result of their spouse's addiction. After all, the betrayal that they have endured resembles what research has now confirmed as being symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Not being able to be sexually intimate with their partner when they already have felt kicked to the curb via their spouse's addiction can add salt to the betrayal wound. We encourage partners to come into treatment so that we can explain the process and offer them the support they need. We also encourage them to attend their own individual and group therapy with one of our therapists who specialize in treating partners of sex addicts. We emphasize that they too deserve support right now as much as their spouses who've caused them so much pain.

SOBRIETY IS POSSIBLE

I have watched numerous men and women enter treatment fearing they would never be able to achieve sexual sobriety, but in time and with practice many folks say that sobriety works. A recent client said they appreciated the opportunity to be on the sobriety contract for 90 days because it allowed them to focus on the things they'd been avoiding for years; primarily dealing with difficult emotions and connecting more with their spouse and children.

The goal in sex addiction treatment is not to stop all sexual behavior, since as previously noted, humans are wired to be sexual. The goal is to teach individuals how to have sexual recovery and healthy sexuality, which starts with stopping all destructive behavior.

As I tell all my clients, there is HOPE, and you can recover. If you or someone you know believes you have a sexual addiction, love/relationship addiction and would like more information, please contact Candice at 801-272-3500.

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE AND YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

Peeling The Layers Back

Lately, I have been craving artichokes. It's not like artichokes are like chocolate where they melt in your mouth like Reese's Pieces. But, for some odd reason, I have been craving this salty-bitter tasting vegetable.So, this weekend, I cooked an artichoke and decided to savor the entire experience. Not much to my surprise, as I began to slowly peel each layer back, my blogger mind started to wander to the work I do with the clients that I help to heal.

As a therapist and expert in the field of sex addiction and other process disorders (work, food, money), I work daily with some of the most courageous men and women and their loved ones as they peel layer after layer in attempt to understand the many facets to this complicated process disorder.

There indeed are so many layers necessary to explore in order to get to the heart of the matter; the actual truth in one's heart. I call this truth "authenticity," or one's "Functional Self" (FS). Once folks start to operate from their FS, they experience true and lasting recovery.

A person often enters treatment for a sex addiction (like any other addition, really) with many layers covering up who they truly are; primarily out of fear of rejection. Hence, the Protective Addict (PA) shows up to my office and is defensive, angry, argumentative, and guarded.

Many individuals wearing their PA masks will posture at times in an effort to keep their tough and bitter outer layer around them, not realizing that their illusive shell is transparent. Although it doesn't actually protect them, especially in treatment, they struggle to peel that initial layer back for fear of being exposed, judged and ridiculed.

Throughout the recovery process I gently (sometimes not so gently depending on how strong ones' addict's voice is) and continually remind folks, that recovery starts with realizing that with the sweet comes the bitter, and with the bitter comes the sweet. In time, and with a lot of practice, it gets easier to deal with each issue underneath the layers.

As we know, sex addiction is not about sex. It is an attachment disorder and an intimacy disorder that creates a need to escape and/or control challenging emotions such as vulnerability and shame.

Therefore, recovery is a matter of surrendering, of allowing yourself to trust the process along the way, even though it may taste bitter at times, especially as you explore your past trauma and the addictive behaviors that have resulted.

As each layer is uncovered, you will start to realize that there is a clear sense of why you chose this particular addiction-sex, love, relationships. You will start to understand the relationship between childhood trauma (big and little traumas) and your choices of coping via porn, compulsive dating, chatrooms, anonymous sex. You will begin to gain insight and clarity into yourself and what it takes for you to have lasting recovery.

As you peel back layer upon layer, you will also realize that you must do so in consultation via a therapist, an on-going therapy group, and SA, SLAA, SAA and a Principles group. As we know, in isolation the addict's deviousness and deception takes hold. It is through consultation that we stay accountable in our recovery.

As you near the heart of your recovery, your relationships will improve, and you will be able to demonstrate the honesty and vulnerability necessary for true and lasting non-sexual and sexual intimacy. You will no longer crave the same old escape routes via sex, but will practice having real connections with your partner, loved ones, and peers.

Once you connect with your heart, you will begin to linger in happiness and inner peace longer, realizing that what you once tried so hard to escape from was an innocent child; YOU. You will savor the bitter as it has given you the sweet and allowed you to become the bright, shiny star that you always were.

You will come to realize that when you stay connected to your heart center, you remain in recovery. By now, your drive to continue to practice your healing tools will outweigh any addictive thinking or behaving. Although you may still have triggers, you will have gratitude for the layers, for the bitter tastes along the way have brought you here.

Today, see what layer you need to peel back to start or continue your recovery process. Can you find the sweet amidst the bitter taste it may bring with it?

Remember, as always you are worth it. Namasté, Candice

Note: We have some really exciting things happening at Namaste Center for Healing! Check out our website: namasteadvice.com, "Groups/Workshops" for more information.