"I'm broke": A guide to filling your spiritual bank account

I often have clients who report feeling much angst over their finances, sharing that they feel as if have no money, are living paycheck to paycheck, or must wait to live out their dreams until they have more income. My response typically is, "Where else in your life are you withholding from yourself or others?" The reality is that money, like everything else in the Universe, is energy. The more you give of anything, be it positive or negative, the more you receive. Try this out if you don't believe me. Give someone a compliment, and listen as you receive multiple compliments in return, or make a list of all the things you are grateful for, and watch as more prosperity flows to you. Or do the opposite: try withholding, not sharing advice, words of wisdom, your time, things, etc., and watch as you begin to feel more scarce.

The American dollar says "In God We Trust." No matter what you believe regarding a higher power, the message is clear:have faith, trust that the more you fill up your spiritual, emotional, physical "bank accounts" the more you will receive in abundance. Or put very simply, the more you give, the more you receive. Yes, your thoughts become things. Your fears, if focused on too much, come true. So why not focus on filling your life with words of increase instead of decrease and watch as your financial bank accounts increase? Money is energy. Words are energy. So act as if. Act as if you are rich. I am not saying go max out your credit cards or spend money frivolously.

Instead, write out exactly what you want to creat in your life in the "now". For instance, "I am so blessed now that I have.... Thank you!" Be very specific on what you are asking. Then, put it in a special place in your house, and wait. Watch as what you wrote about manifests..... It truly is a magical process. Like leaves on a tree, money is everywhere and if we ask we shall receive...if,that is, we have filled our other bank accounts and keep the ebb and flow moving....takers do not get...this is one-sided....

My next women's workshop on January 22,2012 is on this topic....contact me today and learn more ways to increase all of your bank accounts and live your happily ever after completely put together (you were never broken).

***I also teach various tools on manifesting the life of your dreams in my counseling sessions. Call to schedule an appt today and learn how to live your life with purpose!

Namaste~

Does Sex really Sell? My answer is No.

WARNING: This Blog may be more blunt than my usual blogs. America is a society where sex is marketed as a commodity, to be bought and sold, both figuratively and literally. These days, you can go to any bar and see women dressed in scantily clad outfits, with fake breasts (especially in Utah where we have the highest breast implant rate per capita over Beverly Hills and New York), and a size zero waist (the oxymoron in that is that zero is NOT a real size). I offer therapy to many women who are dying (literally) to be thin by using laxatives, starving themselves, or abusing drugs such as heroin, adderall, oxycontin, and/or meth to be society's thinnest 3%~ an illusive waif child like figure that men are allegedly supposed to fall over. Sadly, many men blindly support this stereotype. Has our media succeeded or failed us?

With this being said, it appears that sex may be succeeding in being sold, but is it really? Does sex really sell? At the end of the day is this all that men and women really want? Has sex been degraded so much in American Society that it is merely about the orgasm?

At the end of the day, the well adjusted man and woman, regardless of sexual preference, wants to connect with someone on a variety of levels: emotionally, spiritually, and physically. For healthy intimacy to be nurtured both men and women need 8-10 non-sexual touches per day. In counseling numerous heterosexual men, the consensus among those that have an evolved sense of self and stronger egos is that they want a woman that is "for keeps", not "for play." This entails a strong, educated woman who knows who she is and what she wants, who takes care of herself emotionally and physically. They admit to enjoying sex with their partners, but that connecting in other ways is also very important. Physical attraction plays a part, but is not the end all, be all. Women report wanting a man that is well adjusted, emotionally sensitive but strong, intuitively connected to their wants and needs, and that respects them. Unconditional love tends to be reported as a key ingredient for both men and women.

My advice for young women who ask for breast implants as a graduation gift from their fathers (this is a popular graduation gift, believe it or not), or who want their vaginas sewed tighter so that they appear more "virgin-esque" on their wedding day (a female OBGYN shared seeing this in UT and thought it was very strange)?? Instead of changing your outward appearance to achieve someone else's sexual fantasy, save that money for your future (college, investments). Sex may appear to be for sale, but it doesn't sell at the end of the day. Long lasting love in a committed relationship regardless of sexual preference, does.

Namaste

Are you a sex addict? How to tell...

I work with many individuals recovering from alcohol and/or drug addiction. In the early stages of recovery (often within the first 18 months of recovery), many of my younger clients (between 18-26) report cross-addicting by having indiscriminate sex with multiple partners. In therapy, we often explore how clients replace their substance addiction with having sex as a means of attempting to achieve a similar high. When does this type of behavior become dysfunctional? When does one's behavior venture into the "sex addict" category?

I decided to do some research on sexual addiction, and this is what I found: Sexual addiction is defined as the following: Any sexually-related, or compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living. It typically causes severe stress on loved ones including family, friends; and on one's work environment. Sexual addiction has also been called sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. It is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict's life. As is the case with an addiction to alcohol or drugs, sexual addicts make sex a priority more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the drug of the addict's lives.

They are willing to give up everything order to continue this destructive and unhealthy behavior. Sexual addiction is not defined as having one specific behavior pattern. Specific behavior patterns, when they take control of addicts' lives and become unmanageable typically consist of one or more of the following: viewing pornography in excess, compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, prostitution, voyeurism, exhibitionism, indecent phone calls. They may also include: child molesting, incest, rape and violence. It is important to note that with sexual addiction, even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors.

A sex addict craves validation, erotic highs/distraction, a "magical" sexual attachment that will heal all their pain, or at least offer some reprieve from pain. They fear: boredom, emptiness, shame, intimacy, feeling or being out of control. Security, safety acceptance, “one-ness” (merging of two people into one). A sex addict is often attracted to physically attractive people; they typically have a fantasy of someone who will give them a sense of validation, even if it is only sexual gratification; someone who will care for them, even if only in the bedroom. So, what does one do if they can relate to these symptoms? As a therapist, I would advise individuals concerned about having the above described behaviors to seek counseling immediately.

Talking about sex addict behavior and learning healthy tools for coping with the “whys” behind the specific addictive behaviors, can heal past wounds, current relationships, and keep the individual and society safe. If you believe you are a sex addict, or know someone with the described behaviors, and would like help, please email me at namasteadvice@gmail.com, or contact me at 240-257-6463. ***Some of the information from this blog was adapted from the website by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., Sexhelp.com.***

Abuse vs. a Healthy Relationship? Knowing the Signs

Some note-able statistics: about 95% of all domestic violence victims are female. The majority of male victims are assaulted by other men. One third of American women and one quarter of women worldwide will experience domestic/dating violence in their lifetime. Having noted the above statistics, I believe it is critical to say that I have worked with several heterosexual male clients, who have been victims of domestic abuse at the hands, and/or words of their female partners. I have heard stories of men whose wives/ex-wives threaten to ruin their careers by crying domestic abuse/child abuse if their husbands/ex-husbands don’t do what they want. It has also been my experience that many men in American culture are taught to not report abuse for fear of public humiliation (i.e., "men can't be victims"). This is a tragedy. Both men and women can be victims of abuse that lasts far past a divorce or break up.

Examples of some mind games include the following:

1. He tells how committed he is to you, then consistently doesn't come home at night, only to get mad at you for questioning his choices.

2. He's overly jealous, blaming, and guilt-tripping of you if you take time for yourself or your friends.

3. She punishes you by withholding affection if you don't respond the way that she wants to her requests.

4. She gets pregnant to keep you with her.

5. He threatens to kill himself if you leave him.

Men and women will also sometimes use children as pawns to manipulate, punish, coerce, or abuse their partners. An example of this includes threatening to take the kids away or if couples are divorced, not allowing one partner to see the children if they don’t do what the other partner wants. Some exes will also punish the other parent if that person is in a new relationship. This typically stems from their own sense of abandonment, and self loathing.

Other signs of an unhealthy relationship include: Name calling, physical violence, intimidation, sexual exploitation, manipulation (with words, sex, money), threats, power and control, disrespect, dishonesty, infidelity, abuse of substances or vices (i.e., porn) that negatively impact the relationship.

If you find yourself dating someone who presents with subtle forms of jealousy, power and control issues, or insecurities that raise an eyebrow or give you anxiety butterflies in your stomach, beware!!

As I tell my clients: “run for the hills!”

In my opinion, the reason that people stay with someone that presents with concerning symptoms of abusive tendencies is because they believe that person will change, or that they can change them. The real reason for staying, I believe is that the potential victim (future victim) is working through their own his/her-stories of abuse (i.e., with parents, past partners).

If, in the unfortunate event that you are married or in a long-term committed relationship with someone who is abusive, there are ways to escape. Some useful tips to stay safe include:

1. Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799- SAFE (7233). 2. Safety Planning by doing the following:

--Knowing of four places you could go if you leave your home. --People who might help you if you left. --Think about people who will keep a bag for you. --Think about people who might lend you money. -- Make plans for your pets. --Keeping change for phone calls or get a cell phone. --Opening a separate bank account, credit card in your name. --Determining how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house, i.e., taking out the trash, walking the pet, going to the store. --Determining how to take your children safely. There are times when taking your children may put all of you in danger. --Putting together a bag of things you use daily. Hide it in a safe place.  

Although this article paints a pretty dismal picture of relationships, there are plenty of healthy relationships out there. There are plenty of healthy people as well. The keys to having and keeping a healthy relationship include: Honesty, Respect, Fidelity/Faithfulness, Open Communication, 8-10 non-sexual touches per day to support intimacy, Healthy sexual relationship where both parties feel respected in the bedroom, Trust, Equality and Equanimity, Healthy boundaries, Friendship, Both partners are committed to personal growth, Accountability, Freedom from addictions.

Relationships do not have to come with emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual price tags, or rather, body bag tags. Be mindful when choosing your partner. You deserve Queen-dome/King-dome.

Namaste

Craving Love: The Ultimate Addiction

“As long as love is pleasure, it’s end-- a sad tapering off into indifference and inertia--is predictable” Deepak Chopra During my initial assessment with people who have substance abuse addictions, I often ask “If you take out the substance with which you are addicted, what is it that you truly crave?” A majority of the time I am met with the same response: “Love and Acceptance.”

I have been told by many of my clients that they started using drugs, continually relapsed, and even overdosed as a result of feeling unloveable and unaccepted by their parents, partners, and peers. Why are these relationships so powerful in influencing people to continue to abuse a substance, or substances, that could ultimately lead to their demise?

It has been my experience in working in the field of addiction for nearly 10 years, that a primary reason for addiction and continued relapse is a person’s denial of who they truly are, that leads them down the path of addiction.

Many addicts I have worked with share stories of having the experience of feeling unworthy, not good enough, feeling unloveable, and/or of believing they are “bad, sick, and wrong” after living through some sort of trauma in their lives. I use the term trauma a bit loosely here, as my clients report varying degrees. For example, one client could not resolve the pain he felt from the divorce of his parents when he was very young, another client had been repeatedly sexually abused throughout her life; and another client had very wealthy parents who showed her love by giving her money minus any attention or affection.

I have listened to hundreds of stories of individuals, who in a desperate attempt to achieve a sense of love and acceptance, began a relationship with drugs. Similarly, I have spoken with individuals who found themselves using drugs with their partners as a means of maintaining their already dysfunctional relationship. I have also worked with sober individuals who became addicted to unhealthy relationships in an attempt to relieve their craving for their drug-of-choice. It is evident that addiction is often extremely complicated.

My goal in providing therapy for clients with substance abuse addiction is to assist them in learning how to love themselves first, starting with forgiving their past experiences (forgiveness being defined as “letting go”), and teaching them how to cultivate a nurturing relationship with themselves. This entails teaching them tools for embracing who they truly are: the parts which they have denied since childhood: the loving, precious, trusting, open, playful, honest person that resides within us all. I primarily use Guided Imagery, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness Therapy, and Positive Psychology to assist clients in fully experiencing themselves as separate from their addictions.

For sober individuals who are in addictive relationships, I offer individual and couples therapy to address the differences between a healthy relationship and one that is addictive, as well as teach healthy communication skills, appropriate boundary setting, and individuality vs. companionship (1 + 1 = 2).

Addiction is believed to be a lifelong disease, one in which physical cravings may subside at times but never fully cease. However, as has been shared in this article, I believe that the ultimate addiction for people is the desire to experience love. It is with self love that we are truly capable of healing ourselves, each other, and the planet. Namaste~