Dating and Sex In Early Recovery

As a recovering love addict, I am well aware of the reasons why we are told to hold off on getting in a relationship for at least one year when we first start recovery. The main one being that we need to work on ourselves and second to that is that the stress of another person (i.e., worrying about their needs, relying on them to meet our needs, etc) can cause us to continually relapse. 

Yet, there is another reason that I appreciate which is directly related to our brain. By now, we have all heard of dopamine, the "reward" chemical which gets released in the brain when we use substances, or experience infatuation, new relationships, and sex. The latter, sex, gives us the biggest spike of dopamine which often fuels our desire to experience increasing amounts of sex and love. This is because: 

• Sex and love make us feel good about ourselves
• They give us the feeling that we are loveable and attractive
• They relieve us of our feelings of loneliness and boredom
• They bring a sense of meaning into our lives
•  They help us manage our stress
• They help us cope with anxiety and fear

While this may sound absolutely amazing, it can also be illusive, addictive, and problematic, especially if we never allow ourselves to fully experience and embrace the natural tides that life's great ocean brings in. By tides I mean feelings of sadness, heartache, insecurity, loneliness, and boredom (to name a few). For so many addicts (and for most people, really), running from anything painful becomes such a normative process that the slightest bit if dis-ease often causes us to run. Sadly, we often run towards something destructive, never allowing ourselves to work through the pain in order to get to the other side where immense healing, intimacy, and deep connection occur.

Yet, challenging emotions and situations are actually gifts (I know, cliché, right?). They act as a guidepost that help us get to the deepest parts of ourselves which allows us to appreciate the moments of clarity, happiness, natural feelings of ecstasy, unconditional love, and a sense of belonging. Without the polarity of opposites that life continues to bring us, we would not be the beautiful beings that we are. By having consistent and healthy tools, support, and guidance to learn to sit in all of our struggles, we realize that we are not going to die by the mere act of feeling. 

So when will you know that you are ready to date and/or have sex in recovery? Here are some questions to ask yourself when deciding:

1. Are you comfortable being alone? 
2. Are you comfortable being independent?
3. Can you handle the challenges of a relationship including a break up without going off the deep end?
4. Do you feel lovable and confident with who you are regardless of another person?
5. Are you stable in your own recovery with your own recovery supports?
6. Can you identify your emotional and other triggers and manage them in a healthy way?
7. Are you able to communicate your needs in a healthy way?
8. Are you comfortable having sex, being intimate, and being vulnerable with another person? Or is sex a crutch or escape?
9. Are you comfortable waiting to have sex if that is what feels right for you?
10. Can you put your needs first outside of another?
11. Can you have compassion and empathy for yourself and for another person?
12. Can you take time for you to self care, even with another person?

You ultimately get to choose when you are ready to date or have sex, which by the way, can also apply to a married couple in recovery(i.e., starting over in your courtship process--especially if one's addiction has infiltrated most of your relationship). However, it can be especially helpful to ask yourself these 12 questions to see if you are ready to take such an important step for you and whomever you choose to date, or your partner (if you are married). Giving yourself time doesn't have to be a bad thing.  It can actually be really healing.

As always, you are so worth it dear ones.


 

Healing With The Resiliency Formula™

Victor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor. He was a courageous man who knew a lot about resiliency.

In his timeless book, A Man's Search For Meaning, he explains, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 

Choosing one's attitude in any set of circumstances can feel extremely difficult, especially when it comes to a traumatizing event. Finding the inner strength to overcome the emotional, physical, mental,  spiritual, religious, and sexual abuse one has endured can seem unbearable and insurmountable at times. Many find ways to escape in unhealthy ways (sex, food, spending, video games, dysfunctional relationships). 

In my workbook, Mastering the Trauma Wound: A Mindful Approach to Healing Trauma and Creating Healthier Relationships(©2016) I discuss The Trauma Formula™ which entails:

A Traumatic Event = Shame + Core Beliefs = Storylines = Replication of Trauma. 

Oftentimes, when we experience and survive a traumatic event we feel a sense of shame. Shame evolves into a set of core beliefs that impact how we see the world and our relationships. For instance, we might tell ourselves, "I am bad, I am dirty, I am unworthy of love." These core beliefs turn into storylines that include something like, "Because I am bad (unworthy, unloveable, etc) no one will ever love me. Therefore I am destined to be alone."

Based on these faulty beliefs and storylines we often replicate our past trauma by non-consciously seeking out people and relationships that mirror how we feel about ourselves and our world. We may even become addicted to the intensity of dysfunctional relationships, thus trauma bonding to people who are dangerous, unstable, and untrustworthy all the while feeling a sense of loyalty and commitment to them. We may feel like the cycle of abuse is never-ending. 

However, this destructive cycle does not have to continue. Although we may not be able to change our past, we can always change ourselves, how we view our world, and our choices. As Victor Frankl states, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” When we change ourselves, everything around us changes even if that means who we allow into our lives. 

This is where resiliency enters the picture. Individuals who live their trauma on their sleeve may feel like there is no end in sight.  However, there is; there always is. As I explain in my workbook, The light at the end of the tunnel is not the illusion, the tunnel is. We always have a light within us. Sometimes we just need some help re-connecting to our light; connecting to our courage. 

The Resiliency Formula™ is a key component to bring hope to those who feel hopeless, courage to those who feel frozen, and movement to those who feel stuck and stale. 

The Resiliency Formula™ entails: 

Awareness + Truth  + Forgiveness = Resiliency

Awareness begins by taking a moment to acknowledge what is bothering you related to a core belief and storyline. Next, noticing what emotional and physical sensations you feel and writing them down. After all, getting your feelings and thoughts down on paper can be incredibly freeing. It is important during this step to use mindfulness based tools for getting grounded in the moment., especially since intense emotions can cause one to dissociate from their body.  I offer several Support Tools in my workbook that include pausing, breathing, a safety affirmation, and meditation, to name a few. Reminding yourself that the feelings you are experiencing are just sensations from the past and that they too shall pass is also key. 

Truth involves looking at the reality of your current situation. You have the power to change your Core Beliefs. Since your illusive story-lines came out of your Core Beliefs, you can change those too. You can create a new beginning right here and now!

In the Truth part of The Resiliency Formula™, you review what is bothering you as well as your core beliefs and storylines, then you ask yourself, "What is the truth of the situation?" You reassure yourself that no matter what you are experiencing you are and always will be ok. This can be a challenging step so I always encourage people to seek support through this process as it takes practice (sometimes a lot!). 

The Forgiveness step gives us permission to free ourselves from our past. It is a courageous act of SELF LOVE, more specifically, self-compassion. By "letting go" we are reclaiming our lives. 

As a trauma survivor, I believe that forgiveness is not about condoning anyone's behavior. My definition of forgiveness is "Letting Go with Compassion and Self Protection." 

Oftentimes, part of the Forgiveness step involves giving ourselves permission to feel anger over a traumatic situation. After all, anger calls attention to harm that has been done. Therefore,  I created a writing exercise that involves writing a therapeutic letter to express one's anger and resentment towards their abuser(s). This is not a letter that is not to be read to anyone but one's therapist,  group facilitator, or a safe person. This exercise is meant to allow the individual the opportunity to free themselves of the weight they have been carrying all these years. For those who are not ready to forgive, the goal is to be able to say, "I am working on forgiveness; on letting go." 

Having resiliency is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself. Incorporating The Resiliency Formula™ into your daily life is a sure-fire way to help you attain a sense of lasting resiliency, recovery, and hope. We all deserve to be resilient human beings. Life is meant to be joyful with purpose, passion and love. Having resiliency helps us see life in this way. 

In the Spirit of Aloha and with the bow of Namasté, I honor you.

Candice

The Best Way To Recover From Sex Addiction

So....You think you are a sex addict (or, you have a spouse or loved one who you believe is).  
You do some research and realize that you have the symptoms of sex addiction. For instance: 

• Unmanageability via seeking out sexual partners, sex with strangers, escorts, prostitutes, compulsive infidelity, strip clubs, porn, during times when you should be working, at family functions, studying for school, or enjoying time with your partner or children

• Preoccupation: Sex is all you think about all day long. The minute you wake up your trolling porn sites, seeking out people to hook up with, sex chatting

• You feel a high when you go into your ritual phase (i.e., seeking out your "sex drug")  similar to that of a cocaine addict seeking their next fix
• You feel excitement before and complete and utter despair after you act out, so much so that at times you consider killing yourself
• You seek riskier and riskier sexual highs (encounters, porn sites, etc) to achieve the same dopamine hit
• You can't stop. You have tried, you have white knuckled it, you have prayed about it, you have sworn to yourself, your spouse that you will never do it again. But You. Can't. Stop. The "sex drug" is too hard to kick

You look at the wealth of research out there nowadays that shows that indeed sex addiction exists, that it is a brain disease that impacts the same pleasure centers in the brain as cocaines and other behavior addictions(found on SASH.net): https://www.sash.net/sexual-addiction-and-compulsivity-research-bibliography/

You reach out to a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist who is specifically trained to evaluate and treat sexual addiction, including the underlying issues often associated with sexual addiction (i.e., shame, trauma, attachment issues, intimacy issues, emotional dysregulation).

You attend your first session, are impressed with the evaluative process, and feel a sense of hope that change is possible. 

But when you get home, life continues to life, your anxiety is through the roof, and you want to get your "sex fix." This is normal as your brain will continue to go back to the same coping that you have used until you begin to create new neural networks that embody recovery based tools. 

So what is it that you need to fully recover from sex addiction? Better yet, what is the BEST way to actually kick your maladaptive coping via sex so that you can have a fulfilling and satisfying emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and sexual relationship with yourself and your spouse or partner? 

Here is how: 

1. By committing to yourself that you will embrace the recovery process, no matter how hard, challenging, frustrating, or utterly exhausting it may be at times. This may seem easy-peasy but it is incredibly hard to commit to YOU. Your schedule has to change so that recovery is at the forefront not on the back burner. You can't keep your schedule the same and half-ass recovery. It doesn't work that way. You must commit to you healing!

2. By attending weekly individual therapy and weekly group therapy. Research shows that the top three things that individuals with sexual addiction need to achieve lasting recovery is individual therapy,  group therapy, and a 12-Step Meeting (see #3). Many people, men especially, cringe at the idea of group therapy. However, of the men who attend consistently they end up saying they absolutely love the support and unconditional positive regard they feel from their male peers. You wold be amazed at the camaraderie, accountability, and positive modeling that occurs in male sexual recovery groups. https://www.smore.com/ef423 

3.  By attending a 12-Step or Mindfulness Based Recovery Support Group (i.e, Refuge Recovery, https://www.smore.com/17w6b
I will be honest, as an avid meditator and mindfulness based practitioner, I love Refuge Recovery's approach. This free group is great for men and women with any addiction who struggle with the traditional 12-Step approach. 

4. Being patient with yourself and your partner! Your partner is not going to trust you for awhile. This is something you have earned (I know, hard pill to swallow). In time, however, if you are working your program consistently, she or he will notice the changes and trust will begin to grow). You are going to be frustrated with yourself when you lapse or relapse. This is a normal part of the recovery process. What we are looking for is frequency, intensity and duration. You will start to notice that as you embrace and implement your new recovery skills your acting out will decrease as well as how long your acting out lasts and how "intense" it is.  

5. Being open to diving deeper into the issues that ultimately led you to cope via compulsive sexual acting out. With an addiction, it is crucial to learn tools for identifying triggers, cycle, thinking errors so that one can intervene. However, we must tackle the deeper issues for lasting healing. This can be incredibly scary, especially as most individuals with "traditional" sexual addiction (millennials typically present with some different elements associated with sexual addiction--"gen text") have trauma, attachment issues and problems regulating difficult emotions. 
 
6. Staying involved in recovery in some way shape or form long term. Complacency breeds relapse! Recovery looks different the more recovery time one has. For instance, in the beginning of recovery, attending more treatment is essential to gain traction in one's recovery along with achieving the structure and support one needs to maintain lasting change. The brain needs time to create new neural networks. As time goes by, one may not need a traditional 12-Step group but they may instead attend weekly yoga class and meditate every day. They may exercise daily, write an intention and gratitude journal every night, and have a schedule that is balanced. They may work with their partner in couples therapy to explore a sexual template that both can agree upon and embrace. 

7. Your spouses/partner attends treatment too. Don't forget that your spouse/partner has experienced immense trauma as a result of your addiction and subsequent consequences. We often hear partners express their frustration at all the support their spouse (addict) receives while they are at home managing both of their lives. Partners have been through the ringer as a result of your betrayal and they too need the support of a CSAT therapist in individual therapy and group https://www.smore.com/sxpma so that they too can heal with you (if you choose to stay together). If only one person goes to treatment, the likelihood of the relationship struggling down the road is significant.  

If you believe you or your parter has a sex addiction, there is hope for recovery. I have seen some of the most challenging situations with couples where betrayal was through the roof. However, both the addict and partner embarked on the recovery process to where they were able to heal together and enjoy intimacy and sex like never before. Recovery IS possible if both are willing to work to heal! We know how to help you heal: http://www.namasteadvice.com

As always, you are so worth it including long term recovery, healthy and passionate sex and intimacy, and life itself!  

In the Spirit of Aloha and with the humble bow of Namasté, 

Candice

Coming October 6, 2017! Mastering the Trauma Wound 10-Week therapy  group for women! Click here for our flier: https://www.smore.com/9wxyj

5 Ways to Improve Self Acceptance

I am currently writing this from Maui where I am surrounded by the most natural vibrant beauty. Lush grass, gorgeous green palm trees, turquoise blue water, perfect flowers, and spectacular sunsets. It is truly magical all around me. 

Yet I, like so many people, struggle to embrace my own inner and outer beauty. While I have been here I have noticed my inner critic come out numerous times. She has been judging, berating, and hating on my inner spirit and my outer body as well as my whole being. At times I have felt completely rattled and ungrounded which has required me to be very intentional about grounding in my heart center. I share this because no matter who you are, how you are, what you do in your profession, or how "perfect" the world might see you, no one is exempt from the struggle for self acceptance. 

There are many reasons why we reject ourselves. Oftentimes, we internalize and adopt an authority figure's voice and/or actions done to us from our childhood. Along with this, some people may be more sensitive to the feedback and criticism of others based on our internal make-up while others have "thicker skins"--although everyone is impacted even if they present as if they are not (different coping). 

The inner critic can impact a person to where they deprive themselves of emotional, physical, and sexual nourishment in their relationships. It can impact one's health, friendships, surroundings and choices. It can also affect people to where they act out in ways that are destructive in order to escape, avoid, resist, push away, or drive out the pain of their own self-loathing. All of this only serves to further torment one's heart, mind, and soul. 

With such a strong inner critic it can be hard to think that there are tried and true ways to improve one's self acceptance. However, it is possible! 

Here is how:

1. Take a break from social media accounts that trigger your inner critic. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL8AsaEJDdo After all, it is so easy to compare yourself to everyone else's clothes, hairstyles, relationships, lifestyles and posts about life seeming "perfect."  

2. Find one positive thing you like about yourself and focus on that daily for a month. Say to yourself, "I love that I...." or "I am..." Make sure it is positive. If you feel like you are an amazing swimmer, focus on that. If you love your hair color, focus on that. If you feel like you are loving towards animals, focus on that. 

3. Be kind to another person. Each day, make an effort to compliment someone else. Notice how you feel and what comes back. It is truly amazing and heart warming.

4. Replay a loving memory in your mind when you feel the critic creep in; notice how you feel in your body and breathe that into your soul.

5. Use Mel Robbin's 5 Second Rule http://melrobbins.com of counting down, 5-4-3-2-1, then saying something positive about yourself.This will activate your pre-frontal cortex to change the negative habit you have of being critical. You may find yourself counting down multiple times per day, but it works! 

Self acceptance in a critical and shaming world can be challenging but with moment to moment practice each day it is possible. 

As always, friends, know that you are worth it.

Click below for my short youtube video clip on this topic. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFES8R6acdg&feature=youtu.be

Aloha and Namasté,  

Candice

Coming Sept 2017! Gottman 8-Week Couples Class. Register now and learn to have more love, argue effectively, and enhance your emotional bank accounts in your relationship. https://www.smore.com/b0ewx

Want More Connection In Your Relationship? Be Less Critical!

Want to be closer to your partner? Then be less critical. Sounds easy enough, right? WRONG. 

Reflect back over the past 24 hours and notice how many times you had critical thoughts about your partner or loved one... I bet you had at least five. How do I know? Chances are you are that critical internally towards yourself. 

Funny(but not really), many of us aren't aware of how self critical we are. We go about our day insulting, berating, and putting ourselves down like bullies on an adult playground. If you take a moment and pay attention to your internal dialogue you will notice that you have 1-3 key negative statements you rattle off in your head. Examples such as, "I'm an idiot" or "I am ugly" or "that was stupid" are probably up there on the list. 

If we are as self critical as I think we are (and I know I am right on this one), we are just as critical towards others. 

I became a Gottman Leader because I love the Gottman principles.One of the first things they teach, that is backed by research, is that there are four (4) primary ways that couples often ruin their relationship. You know what the first one is? CRITICISM.

It is kind of hard to fill your emotional and sexual bank account if you are criticizing yourself and your partner all the time--even if you are doing so in your mind and not outwardly. Yes, your partner can feel when you are annoyed with them (or with yourself); you have a look on your face that shows it, even if you say, "I am fine" or sit quietly. We wear our emotions, especially criticism, on our sleeves like an old, dirty stain. 

The antidote to criticism, if you are being critical towards your partner, is being gentle; practicing a gentle start up in how you communicate. That will earn you major relationship points! My favorite word, along those same lines, is VALIDATE. Partners love to feel validated, even if you don't agree with them. That is also a beautiful way to be gentle. 

Being gentle, however, has to start with you being a little more gentle on yourself. Can you put the internal beat up stick down? Get to know that self critic (who is he/she? How old are they? Where do they reside in your body? When do they come out?). I promise if you can get to know that part of you that is critical all the time (we all have a critical part), you will soon realize that your internal critic is really trying to help you.That's right. That part of you that is calling you names and shouting profanities actually thinks it is helping you. Silly as it may seem, if you can connect with that part and practice being more gentle on yourself and that part (which is likely a smaller part of you), you will naturally be more gentle with others, including your partner. 

Being gentle towards yourself may be challenging but it is possible. Starting daily with reframing negative self talk to positive, kind words will have an outward effect. The kinder you are towards yourself, the kinder you will be towards your loved ones. And that, my friends, can make for some great intimacy! 

On September 13th, my colleague Jessica Werner and I are facilitating an 8-Week Gottman's Couples Class for couples wanting to improve their emotional connection, communication, and intimacy. This is a class that EVERYONE should take! It's foundational to a healthy relationship. 

We hope to see you and your partner! 

Remember, you are both worth it,

Namasté,

Candice