There is a famous (anonymous) saying, "Everything changes when you change."
Is this really true? We change and everything around us, including our loved ones change? What if our loved ones don't change as we change, especially if and when we grow? In intimate relationships, there is an evolution. Perhaps we might call it the stages of courtship where at first there is the noticing of another, followed by approaching and flirting, followed by demonstrating ... and so on.
As time goes on, we get comfortable in our relationship. All the passion, spontaneity, and excitement that we craved with our partner in the beginning wanes and we get comfortable. We attach to the security of knowing they are with us, that we can count on them for anything. The spontaneity and mystery of our partner is often replaced with the predictable.
Everyone has resentments. It is a normal part of the human experience. The challenge with resentments is they can build up causing people to become contemptuous, especially in intimate relationships
A resentment forms when a person feels bitter at having an expectation or a need that is not met in their relationship. A lot of times it feels as though the issue causing one to be resentful is about one's partner; however, most often the resentment stems from deeper issues from one's childhood (i.e., being ignored by a primary caregiver, therefore feeling frustrated when they feel ignored by their partner).
Recently, The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) released a position statement broadly stating that they did not believe there was enough evidence to accept that problematic sexual behavior and abuse of pornography can be referred to as an addiction. This is hardly a surprise. After all, over the years AASECT has routinely stated that it is important not to pathologize sexuality and that sexuality in all its diversity should be celebrated.
You may be reading this because you cheated on your spouse. Or, you may be reading this because you were cheated on. Either way, it is great that you are open to understanding if and how you can heal after an affair. It is possible.
The good news is that people can recover from infidelity and people and relationships are capable of healing. The news is that both parties have to be willing to put in the work in order to mend the relationship. The bad news is that your relationship won't heal if both of you don't actually do the work it takes to heal the broken pieces and create a new future.
by Candice Christiansen, LCMHC, CSAT-S, Founder
Trust is a loaded term, one that tends to be expected, demanded, and taken for granted, especially in intimate relationships. It is defined as a "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something."
When an intimate betrayal occurs, such as infidelity of any kind (lying, secret keeping, cheating on a spouse via an affair with money, a person, substances, etc), trust tends to be the first thing to go in a relationship. Interestingly, the spouse who has caused the betrayal often experiences impatience at losing trust, often asking repeatedly, "When are you going to trust me again?" Or, "Why can't you just trust me?", "It's been 3 months," "Aren't you over this by now?"
