There is a famous (anonymous) saying, "Everything changes when you change." 

Is this really true? We change and everything around us, including our loved ones change? What if our loved ones don't change as we change, especially if and when we grow? 

In intimate relationships, there is an evolution. Perhaps we might call it the stages of courtship where at first there is the noticing of another, followed by approaching and flirting, followed by demonstrating ... and so on. 

As time goes on, we get comfortable in our relationship. All the passion, spontaneity, and excitement that we craved with our partner in the beginning wanes and we get comfortable. We attach to the security of knowing they are with us, that we can count on them for anything. The spontaneity and mystery of our partner is often replaced with the predictable. 

But then what? Is that all, some may ask? Is that the best we can expect in our relationship? For predictability and comfort? 

BORING. 

But is it really boring? Does it have to be boring?

I witness so many couples come to therapy in crisis, during or after a betrayal, wanting to find answers. Some want to reconcile and make their marriage work, while others want to stay married but don't want to do any work to change. "It is her fault" they say, or "If only he....then I...." they say....Gripping onto their ego, their identity, their fear-based mold. 

My response?  Everything changes when you change. 

People don't typically jump for joy in my office when I share with them that they are going to have to make some changes in order to have the change they want. After all, change is hard. It is scary and unknown. 

Ironically, the feeling everyone craves at the beginning of a relationship (spontaneity, passion, excitement) ends up being what they actually fear when they get stuck and are asked to change. Their blinders keep them from seeing that through change, they can actually have everything they have always wanted. 

Some of the most amazing breakthroughs with couples happens when the sh*t hits the fan. This is because change is inevitable at that point. No one wants to sit in the sh*t too long. It stinks. 

Are you scared of change? Is there a part of you that wants it but another that is holding you back? 

It takes one step to begin the process of change; having the desire for it. The next step is action. 

Time for a change? You know what to do.

Remember, you are worth it. 

Namasté

Candice
photo: thesoberistblog.com

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