Social Media for Teens: Good or Bad?

Nowadays, teens have access to multiple social media sites, and can be found texting, face-booking, twittering, tumbling, insta-gramming, you name it, at all hours of the day and night. For many parents, the question a lot of times is,"How do I keep track of what they are looking at and who they are connecting with?"

Which leads me to the question: Is Social Media Good OR Bad?

Social media can be positive, however, it can also be very dangerous, especially for children and teens.

WHY?

The internet, along with the numerous phone apps out there, has brought both anonymity and accessibility to all kinds of social interactions. So, teens may go from having day to day chats with "friends" they both know and don't know, to finding a stranger that they consider a "hottie." The latter statement refers to an app called Tinder, the latest teen dating site that promotes "cutting to the chase"; alleviating getting to know someone and choosing to meet them based on their looks.

I am not against social media sites such as this one per say, however, my concern is that we are seeing an increase in the following among teens because of these social media sites:

Vulnerability to sexual predators Sexting (sending nude or semi-nude pictures of self to others, or using sexually explicit language, etc.) Seeing people as objects instead of subjects, Creating a disconnect where teens hide behind their phones Compromising the younger generation's ability to relate to one-another Cyber-Bullying

the media has shared recent reports of more than one teenage girl being sexually assaulted after going to a high school party and having nude pictures (taken by young men they were with) taken of them against their will, then exploited all over instagram or other social media sites. the damage that this caused and causes is significant: shame, embarrassment, and the impact to an impressionable teen's self-esteem can be life long, and sadly, in some cases, end in suicide.

There are benefits of social media, if people can use it maturely. For instance, Facebook, which is considered the most popular social media networking site to date, can be positive for teens to stay connected to friends and family. Instagram can be fun forum for teens to share appropriate pictures to friends and family, Tastebuds can be a creative way to connect with teens through music, and datemyschool can be a way for college student's to find people to date at their own college.

The challenge with teens is that they are vulnerable to peer pressure, they have raging hormones so their emotions run high, and their brain is not completely formed. So healthy decision making is often inhibited. Along with this, insecurity and self esteem are also highly common during this rite of passage, putting both young men and young women at risk for being exploited in hopes of being "liked".

I cannot stress enough that maturity and parental guidance is KEY to protecting your kids/teens from dangerous occurrences on social media. Know your kids. Know what they are looking at and talk to them about it. If you are connected to your kids, you will be able to strike up a conversation about the dangers and realities of social media. Educate them on the fallacies and truths of social media; if need be limit their access, not as a punishment, but as protection.

This is the generation of our future. Let's support them in having healthy connections to others while protecting them from the many dangers out there.

~Candice

My altar is within me.

Recently I had to move my meditation altar from my meditatiton room to accommodate a family member who was coming to visit us. Although I was comfortable with this family member visiting, I found myself becoming increasingly anxious and irritable. It was as though a cloud had descended upon me. Within a week, I found myself meditating less, trying to control more in my surroundings, feeling sad, scattered, and depressed.

I decided to go on a day long hike in an effort to get grounded and re-connect with Mother Earth. I quickly realized as I began my hike, that what was surrounding me was also within me. The whispers of the gentle breeze reminded me of my past and that all is forgiven. Mother Earth told me to trust the path that I was being led upon. The sun's warm rays soothed my heart, opening it to receive clarity of spirit. I felt rejuvenated.

Along my path I witnessed two beautiful red-billed hawks above me, as well as a big black beetle and curious spider cross my path. Ants, wild flowers, boulders, and bushes and trees all were part of my journey into clarity....and I realized something. The feeling of calmness and peace that I feel when I meditate in front of my altar was the exact same feeling I had during my hike.

My altar is within me.

I can meditate where ever I go. I can find peace and clarity, strength and hope in my breath in each moment, not just when I am in front of my altar in meditation or prayer.

Today I meditated in front of my altar and had fond memories of the internal and external "visitors" that joined me on my recent day long hike. Their messages to me were as powerful as the internal messages that I receive daily when I connect with my Inner Ashram. We each have this space within us. Sometimes it speaks softer than at other times. Sometimes we must be creative to find our connection. But it is always within us. It is our divine birthright to find our inner altar, find our inner peace. Namaste~

Candice

"I hate sex...is something wrong with me?"

As a therapist working with men and women who come to see me due to hating sex, and avoiding it with their spouse, I am often asked, "Is something wrong with me?" This is indeed a delicate question. The challenge with it is that we are literally wired to be sexual to maintain the species, just as we need food to survive. While there may not be something "wrong" with the person seeking help, there may be a biological problem that could be impacting their sex drive (i.e., hormones, illness). During the initial intake, I request that the client get a medical check up from their primary care doctor to rule this out.

Once this is ruled out (or identified), we explore the social, political, cultural, religious, emotional and mental components to someone's aversion to sex with their partner or spouse. In my training as a Sex Addiction Therapist, I have found that if someone has an aversion to a behavior, they will typically have compulsive acting out in other ways. The research and literature on multiple addictions/aversions supports this.

For instance, single men and women will at times report to me a pattern of being very sexual (which may not be anything out of the ordinary). Behavior may include (but not limited to): dating, masturbating, being sexual in relationships. It may also include (but not be limited) to more compulsive behaviors too such as: having one night stands, visiting on-line chat rooms to meet people, sexting multiple people etc., The latter list may be demonstrative of possible sexual addiction (which we assess for at intake). Often, we will identify that compulsive acting out behavior is an attempt to receive validation, affection, numb out, soothe loneliness, and to the brain's reward centers, a way to get high.

However, many times while they are being sexual (whether doing so compulsively or not), they may exhibit anorexic behaviors in other ways, i.e., restrict their food intake, restrict spending, obsessively clean or control their environment. Then, once they are in a "committed" relationship with one person, they report that their desire for sex completely diminishes and they notice they may begin to compulsively act out with food, spend money, working too much, smoking, drinking alcohol, caffeine, etc.

Both behaviors of "binge/purge" are attempts to cope with internal dis-ease and discomfort, most often from outside issues.

In therapy, we explore childhood/teen/early adulthood issues, as well as socio-polital and religious factors (i.e., cultural and religious messages about sex) that impact their view of sex and sexuality, and typically uncover one or more factors that play a significant role in this "binge-purge" behavior. They include (but are not limited to):

1. Deep-seated Shame (shame drives everything!). Shame is the belief that "I am bad." 2. Unresolved Guilt. Guilt is the belief that "I did something bad." 3. Past behavior that has led one to feel shame and guilt; i.e. having an affair, stealing from a loved one, abusing trust in other ways, being sexual before marriage; being sexual at all; having a religious leader or family member shame them for doing something against their faith, etc. 4. Being a victim of trauma (which to me, can be anything perceived as emotionally damaging to an individual). For instance, being harrassed, bullied, abused, neglected, a victim of a terrorist attack, having a disability, being in an accident, surgery, loss of a loved one (etc.). 5. Learned deprivation due to childhood deprivation, including emotional neglect, physical neglect, chaotic families where a child's needs were not adequately met.

So, is there treatment for this? Can someone start to enjoy sex when in a committed relationship?

ABSOLUTELY. In therapy, we first identify the origin of the shame, guilt and deprivation (Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes is a gem of a book; a must read!). We teach our clients ways to learn to nurture themselves, to be intimate with their partners, cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship, as well as understanding family of origin issues, resolving trauma, shame and guilt, and learning how to get their needs met. We teach healthy boundaries, discuss the components of healthy sexuality (i.e.,including intimacy), and challenge any limited socio-political, or religious beliefs that keep them stuck. We offer groups for men and women to learn more about what it means to be in a healthy relationship and use task-based model when necessary for lasting change.

It is possible to enjoy sex with your partner/spouse and have a healthy, intimate relationship. There is hope! Call us for an intake today! 240-257-6463. Healing is possible.

"My Spouse's Porn Use Is Ruining Our Relationship..."

Each week, I receive at least 1 to 2 emails from partners of spouses who are hurt, angry and confused by their spouse's pornography abuse and wondering what they should do. Many feel like something is wrong with them because in their eyes, their spouse is choosing images on a screen over being sexual, intimate, and emotionally connected to them. The emotional impact on partner's of spouses viewing pornography, according to one study, ranged from rage and devastation to feeling abandoned and betrayed (Weiss and Schneider, 2011). In American culture, this indeed is having a significant impact on couples.

My initial response to partners dealing with this is: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. The reality is that no one can compete with the images and facade of pornography,etc. It is all fake and ultimately destroys relationships.

Since the invention of the internet and cheating websites (ashleymadison.com), cell phones and cell phone apps (friend finder, Grindr,etc.), the challenge for partners has now become not only the reality that their spouses may be viewing images on a screen, but that they also have the opportunity to engage in cybersex with a live person, and/or develop a cyber romance (which is often very dangerous).

If you are a partner of a spouse who is addicted to pornography, you may be wondering why your loved one would turn to porn, cybersex and/or cyber romances?

First, pornography addiction, which is a type of sexual addiction (yes, it is real), is a brain disease. Whether or not one has a propensity for addiction, research shows that pornography is highly addictive. The brain literally gets addicted to the pixels on the screen when viewing pornography. The satiate mechanism in the brain responsible for telling a person "I am full" doesn't switch off when one looks at porn, thus the rewards centers of the brain, namely, dopamine (the "gotta get it" neurotransmitter) continues to get a 100% spike, thus feeding addiction, in some cases erectile dysfunction, and ultimately damage to intimate relationships. (For more information on the impacts of pornography on the brain, please go to "yourbrainonporn.com").

In my experience of working with both male and female sex addicts, especially individuals that have a pornography addiction, many of them have fearful avoidant attachment styles. Most often, porn addicts also tend to be more love avoidant in nature, meaning they are terrified of intimacy (although all sex addicts are actually terrified of vulnerability and don't know what intimacy even is), and have an unconscious fear of being abandoned. These issues always stem from childhood, specifically issues with their caregivers. Research shows that most sex addicts, over 80% have been abused in some way.

So if you are a partner of a spouse who is looking at porn, here are some signs that it is a problem and that they and you deserve therapeutic support to save your relationship (the following list is adapted from Untangling the Web by Robert Weiss and Jennifer Schneider, 2011):

1. Your spouse would rather view pornography, movies, and/or have online sexual encounters than be sexually intimate with you;

2. They cannot ejaculate unless viewing pornography (usually a tell-tell sign they are addicted);

3. They don't want to stop the behavior, regardless of knowing the negative impact it is having on you or the relationship;

4. Their reaction towards you when you confront the issue is anger, denial and blaming you; crazy making (remember, you are not crazy; their addiction is!).

5. They make empty promises and have failed attempts at changing or stopping their porn, etc. use, but don't.

6. They lie to you about their porn, etc. use, even when you catch them.

It is important to note that BOTH men and women view pornography. However, research shows that women, who tend to be more relationship focused, often identify themselves as being more addicted to cybersex and less to viewing porn, whereas men are more likely to view pornography for sexual pleasure. Most women prefer chat room where they can connect to a person, and are less likely to use the internet to purse sex. Most women I work with who have love addiction (an obsession with another person) also have sexual addiction (pursue love through sexual encounters).

If you are a partner of a spouse who is addicted to porn, cybersex or cyber romance, there is hope.

At Namaste Consulting, LLC, we offer treatment for both sex addicts and their partners. Both of you deserve to be on the same path to healing by qualified clinicians who know how to treat this very specialized addiction.

Call Candice to schedule an assessment today: 240-257-6463. There is HOPE. Healing is Possible.

Welcome to your Inner Ashram

The Hindu word "Ashram" refers to a spiritual hermitage or spiritual retreat (Wikipedia, 2013). Historically, this sanctuary was located in a distance from human habitation and was a place where one would find inner tranquility and peace.

"Inner Ashram" is within every person. It is that quiet place within where you are able to explore your truth, your essence, your purity, and where you find lasting inner peace. This is not something you will find OUTside of yourself. This is INside of you. This is your inner sanctuary; where truth speaks.

I used to be challenged by the act of sitting in my Inner Ashram. Instead of surrendering within, I anxiously went from one activity to the next to avoid myself. I was terrified of being alone, of having my surroundings be quiet. I was afraid of what I might see, hear, and ultimately of what I might find (ME). At the time, I found anything to superficially get a quick "fix" for my inner angst and pain.

It has taken me years of self exploration, therapy, yoga practice, and daily meditation to finally get to a place where I enjoy sitting in my Inner Ashram, inside myself.

Each of us has an Inner Ashram. It is that part of us where we hear truth speak. It is what Deepak Chopra and other healers call "the gap."

How do we find our Inner Ashram?

1. Find a quiet place in your home where you feel safe and comfortable to relax and go inward.

2. Create and "altar" or space for prayer, meditation, journalling; a place for letting your imagination flow.

3. Play some soft music, light some candles or incense for a relaxing ambiance.

4. Sit cross legged in a comfortable place. Stay awake.

5. Focus on your breath, particularly the exhale, as this awakens your parasympathetic nervous system which is responsible for rest and digest.

6. When thoughts arise, say "thinking" to yourself and focus on your breath.

7. Begin to relax all parts of your body using your breath.

8. Let your eyes and mouth smile. Let your thoughts flow in and out.

9. Imagine the door to your Inner Ashram. What does it look like? What color is it? What type of doorknob is on it? When you open it, what do you see? What sounds, images, colors? What do you hear? Any words? Go into the center of your Inner Ashram where the white candle awaits you. Stare into it. Connect with your essence.

10. Ask a question from this space. See what answer you get. If you hear nothing, be with the nothingness. Embrace this space of quiet.

11. Thank yourself for allowing YOU to come in.

12. This is just the beginning....

Stay tuned for more from your "Inner Ashram."

NAMASTE.