Sexual Fantasies Revealed

In my work with trauma survivors (many of which have sexual addiction), especially those who have been physically, emotionally, or sexually abused as children, some share the perplexity of having fantasies that disturb them while arousing them at the same time. As we uncover the deeper meaning of these fantasies, individuals often say that they experience a sense of resolve with this part of their painful past, and begin to be able to embrace intimacy in a new and healthier way, regardless of their sexual preference.

Many clients feel shame and guilt related to certain fantasies, especially if they don’t involve their spouse or partner. Helping them understand the reasons behind certain fantasies can bring a sense of relief from the shame and guilt that is often attached.

Michael Bader wrote a fascinating book titled Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies. In it he describes sexual fantasies and arousal as “resulting from an unconscious attempt to solve problems and not, as many psychoanalysts would have it, recreate them (p. 9). He adds, “Whether that person’s sexual arousal is a response to a picture, person, sexual position, or elaborate daydream, it derives from the same set of psychological dynamics” (p. 9). Meaning, the underlying message behind fantasies are the same regardless of the situation, and the feelings elicited come from the same “psychological source”(p. 9).

Often times, sexual fantasies alleviate feelings of shame and guilt that individuals experienced; they “reverse feelings of helplessness (Bader, M. , pg. 114).

A few examples of sexual fantasies and their possible meanings, according to Bader pgs: 119-141):

Sadomasochistic fantasies: Often involve an attempt to resolve unconsious feelings of guilt related to a desire to let others do to you what you feel guilty about doing to others.For instance, “If someone feels guilty about being strong, then a fantasy about being weak might appease....enough to allow sexual excitement to emerge” (p. 119).

Multiple Partners, otherwise known in popular culture as “Swinging” (Salt Lake has a rather large underground Swingers group) often involves different scenarios, depending on the couple’s desires. According to Bader (2002) the presence of more than one partner may mean someone needs “double the attention” (p.133). Or the observer of other’s having sex may subconsciously believe that he/she doesn’t deserve to be loved, wanted. Some people seek multiple partners to alleviate guilty feelings associated with their strong appetite and not wanting to burden their less sexual partner. Still another reason may be trying to overcome responsibility for one’s partner (i.e., a man who is with another man and woman may be “attempting to master burdensome feelings of responsibility for women...to satisfy them and make them happy”(p. 134).

Exhibitionism: The book 50 Shades of Gray has been viewed as giving women an exhibitionistic view into sadomasochism, many of which admit to being aroused by the dominance and submission. What is it about exhibitionism that turns some people on? Why do some people like to take pictures or film themselves having sex? The person, according to Bader, that is being recorded likes the attention and special focus (p.138). It may also be an attempt to master a sense of loneliness and rejection. For men/women who “flash” their genitalia, this is largely an attempt to resolve shame and neglect from childhood (Bader, p.138). For instance, a man ashamed of his masculinity may “triumph over his shame by showing off the source of it” (Bader, p. 139)>

Same sex attraction when one identifies as “heterosexual”: According to Joe Kort’s article Straight Men Who Have Sex With Other Men (2006), “ A recent New York City survey found nearly one in 10 men say they’re straight and have sex only with other men....”; 70% of these straight identified men were also married (www.joekort.com/articles84.htm).

What is the reasoning behind same sex attraction in individuals who believe they are heterosexual? Individuals who act out their homosexual fantasies or simply fantasize about a same sex partner may or may not be gay or lesbian. Individuals who were sexually abused as children or teenagers may re-enact the trauma through fantasy or engaging in homosexual behavior. Some women, gay or straight “who have been sexually abused will repress their sexuality, while others re-enact their early abuse by being sexually promiscuous with men when, in fact, they are lesbians” (Straight men... 2012). Some men may not have had an emotional connection to a man as children and may use same sex attraction or sexual behavior as a means to gain closeness or intimacy.

Bader explains in detail a variety of fantasies from incest, rape, dominance, slave, asphyxiation, diapered, men wearing women's underwear, and golden/brown showers. He does an excellent job guiding folks, particularly those with sexual compulsivity, in understanding the reason for their fantasies. His book is one of several that I use when treating individuals with sexual addiction, as well as trauma (when applicable). If you are concerned and would like to explore the reasons behind your fantasies and arousal patterns, contact our office today at 240-257-6463. Namaste~

For the Love of Money (and Work)

"What is your worth?" How do you answer this question?

Many people typically respond by assigning numeric value to their worth. One's response: "I am worth" is often followed by a disclosure of a numeric value based on their accumulated assets, etc.

If you take out the notion of assigning numeric value to your worth, however, and ask yourself: "What am I really worth?" What comes up for you? What thoughts, feelings, physical sensations arise?

In all the literature I have read on financial and work success, I consistently come across a theme, which entails: how we view our "work" and money originates from before we worked and made our own money. Life circumstances including: consistently present and available caregivers, abuse or other trauma (whether we witnessed or were direct victims of it), socio-economic status, as well as how the adults around us acted and communicated about money and work, all play a significant role in the development of our money and work templates.

As a therapist who specializes in trauma, addiction and relationship recovery, I have witnessed time and time again clients and/or their spouses who initially come to therapy for relationship struggles. Once we dive a little deeper, they typically admit that their relationships are impacted by their or someone else's addiction--aversion to-- (love, sex, relationship, food, money obsession, workaholism, gambling, porn, etc., etc.), which stems from one's past (trauma), usually with their parents or caregivers. Clients are often curious when, during my assessment, or mid-way through treatment, I begin asking questions involving their beliefs about money and work. After all, most people don't realize that everything we believe as adults (from money to food to work to sex), including how we behave in all areas of our lives (these areas included) comes from core beliefs we developed from our youth.

You may be asking yourself, "What can I do to change my beliefs about work and money?!" I believe that talking to someone who specializes in healing specific disorders is key, as it allows you a deep understanding of the relationship between where you came from and where you are now as well as the necessary guidance, support, and tools for healing your relationships with people, food, sex, money, work, etc, etc.

In therapy, I offer various techniques to begin changing one's outlook on life, including their outlook on work and money. For example, I have adapted an exercise called "Core Belief Process" that was developed by Marc Allen, seminar leader, entrepreneur, composer, and author, as described in Law of Attraction magazine (Spring 2013). Challenge: Practice the following steps when you have an issue or struggle arise for the next 30 days. Notice the difference in your thinking and feeling:

1. Describe the problem (journal or write about it in 1 or 2 minutes, or talk it through with someone) 2. Describe the emotions you are feeling. Naming the feelings can begin shifting how you feel. 3. Notice the physical sensations arising in your body. Again, write them down or talk with someone. Many times, when a client and I begin to talk about distressing memories related to childhood, they will describe feeling sick in their stomach, or heavy in their heart. It is good to connect feelings to where you hold it in your body (E-motions are energy in motion that in reality are feelings that have gotten stuck and can't move. Stuck energy becomes pain in our bodies). 4. Notice your thoughts and say them out loud with someone or write them down. Note if there is a repetitive stream of thoughts and if they are negative, positive (thoughts become things). 5. Write out the worst case scenario for the situation (if I quit this job I hate to go after my dream, my passion, I fear that....) 6. Write out the best case scenario for the situation (if I quit this job I hate to go after my dream, my passion, I envision...) 7. What fear and limited beliefs (likely from childhood) are creating a road block to you taking the leap?? 8. Review the positive decisions you have made in your life: For instance, when in your life did you make decisions that looking back created positive outcomes? Note all the ways you are a good decision maker. 9. Come up with an affirmation (or more than one) that you can reflect on every day. What we think we create. So, for instance, "I am open and receptive to new avenues of income now." Or, "I now create the perfect new job, or work situation, or customer, or client...one that (be descriptive!)." 10. Trust that if what you want is in the highest good for all, you will have what you want! Stay focused on what you want, NOT what you don't want. 11. Write a daily gratitude list, even if it has one or two things on it. Again, I cannot stress enough that what we focus on we create (review all the times you have had this happen!). Gratitude is an attitude of abundance. Start today!

Namaste Consulting, LLC offers an assessment called the MAWASI, Money and Work Adaptive Scales Inventory, which provides a detailed profile of one's obsessions or aversions to work, money.

Along with this, on March 16th and March 30th from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. I am offering a Financial and Work Disorders workshop to assist men and women in exploring their distorted beliefs about work and money, the origins of these beliefs (family of origin issues), how these 2 addictive behaviors often correlate with other addictions or issues (especially in relationships), and tools for overcoming one's money and work obsessions/aversions.

If you are interested in completing a MAWASI assessment and beginning your recovery path from Money and Work addictions, or if you would like to attend Healing Financial and Work Disorders workshop, you may contact Candice today at namasteadvice@gmail.com or 240-257-6463. Healing begins with you!

Live abundantly in ALL areas of your life. It is your divine birthright to be happy, healthy and prosperous. Namaste~

"Staying Together For The Kids"...Who Really Benefits?

I have treated hundreds of clients in my 10 years of practicing therapy and I must say that I am convinced that one's upbringing has an enormous impact on their future issues in relationships, and with various addictions. Let's face it, we have an addicted society here in the US. People will use anything and more to escape their "realities"....and the age when addictions start is getting younger and younger, no matter what one's faith or background. Neither religion nor other forms of societal control can stop it..... but you and I can. It starts at home. It is not television, it's not video games, it's not friends. Yes these absolutely play a part at some point. However, it truly begins with mom and dad (or dad and dad, mom and mom). It starts with one's parental figures. The research on trauma points to this. The research on sexual addictions and other addictions points to this. When I hear couples on the verge of divorce and fighting constantly (as well as sleeping in separate rooms, not showing any affection or attention, being disrespectful in front of the kids) say that they are "staying together for the child(ren)" my first response is "Who really benefits from this?" followed by, "Do you realize what you are teaching your child about relationships?" About how to treat their partner?"

People do not realize the impact they are having on their children.

I work with adults mainly because I used to get frustrated when parents would bring their child or teen into see me saying they had issues when the parents were the one with the issues! The child/teen was literally acting out as a way to cope with the chaos at home. So now, I work with adults and couples who once were the children needing therapy as a result of the chaos from home.

Please know that I am not saying there aren't any good parents out there. I know there are good parents as well as adjusted children and adults. I have actually met them. However, I am a therapist who treats trauma and addictions; this is my focus...finding out the origin of The Trauma Wound and assisting my clients in healing. I deal with the dark side of life on a daily basis with the hope of shedding light on my client's futures...

Many clients feel guilty acknowledging that their parents failed them in many ways as children. Some say, "Now that I am an adult, I don't want to use what my parents did or didn't do or how they treated me as an excuse for my current life choices and struggles." I certainly agree that as adults we are accountable for how we choose to live and what we choose to do. This is different, however, from acknowledging that when they were a child and being sexually, physically, emotionally, etc. abused and/or neglected by one or more family members and one or both parents didn't do anything, their parents indeed failed them (in more ways than one, and by staying together, if one of the primary caregivers was in fact the abuser; or by not doing anything if others in the household were responsible for abuse).

Children are so intuitive...little sponges that take in what they sense as much as what they see and hear. We all were tuned in at some point in our lives, most often before the trauma occurred, and maybe even more tuned in now as a result of past traumatic events. Parents need to take more time to check in with their kids; ask them how THEY feel about their home life, friends, siblings, the news and national events (recent shooting, for instance), and how they are being affected by all of these factors. Parents need to remind their kids that there is an open door policy to talking about anything. I mean anything, literally. Why? Children have access to SO much these days; home deserves to be a safe place for them to retreat from the scary world where porn is accessed by 1/3 of all American Teens while doing their homework.

So for parents that are struggling in their relationship, my advice is this: Go talk to a trained professional and work on your issues. That way if you end up deciding to stay "for the children", everyone (kids included) will likely agree that this is truly the best thing to do.

Namaste~

Feeling Safe and Empowered in Times of Tragedy

The recent tragedy in Connecticut that left 20 children and 6 adults dead has stirred up feelings of intense emotional unrest. Several of my clients have shared worrying about their children going to school; some have shared a desire to stand outside of their children’s classrooms to ensure they are safe. As I have listened and attempted to console my client’s worry and sadness (as well as their feelings of guilt and relief that it wasn’t their children’s school), I recognize how easy it is to get emotionally engulfed in fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of strangers, fear of death, fear of the dark, fear of tragedy, fear of poverty, etc., etc.

I wonder, do we really live in an “unsafe world?” And if so, how can I assist both my clients and myself to be mindful of the possibilities of daily tragedies while at the same time learning to see fear as a gift?

In his book, The Gift of Fear (1997), Gavin De Becker teaches the empowering tools of trusting one’s intuition to stay safe (p. 25). He asserts, “Nature’s greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk (p.25). De Becker adds, “Intuition is the journey from A to Z without stopping at any other letter along the way. It is knowing without knowing why” (De Becker, 1997, p. 25).

I am not saying that the adults or children in the school in Connecticut could have done something to stay alive on that tragic day. What I am saying is that all too often, we don’t trust our feelings of fear to help keep us safe. De Becker (1997) gives numerous examples in his books of individuals that either had their lives put at risk or were killed because they didn’t trust their intuition to not open a package, not open the door for a stranger, lock their car/house doors, etc.(p. 74).

The reality is that we do live in an unsafe world where bad things happen to good people every day. However, there are things we can do to keep ourselves safe, and not get consumed by fear.

The Messengers of Intuition are ways that, according to De Becker (1997), our body sends messages that something is not right. Examples include: A sense of fear without knowing why, persistent thoughts, a nagging feeling, gut feelings, doubt, hesitation, questioning (p.75).

I have taken the tragedy in Connecticut as a reminder that I don’t have to be engulfed by fear. I can feel empowered to trust my intuition, which at times may include feeling afraid, to keep my senses heightened to potentially dangerous situations that may lie ahead.

I have also encouraged my clients to also stay mindful of their surroundings and their children’s surroundings but to not forget that even if our world feels unsafe, there is safety among us, and ways to ensure we continue to stay safe. My hope is that we can each learn from the daily tragedies that occur and work together to create more community connection and safety. We truly can have peace in our lifetime if we learn to trust ourselves and those around us to accomplish this pretty simple task.

In January and February 2013, I will be offering a 2-part series introducing my workbook titled "Mastering the Trauma Wound™". I will be teaching individuals mindful techniques (including trusting one's inner wisdom and intuition) for mastering past trauma so that they can have a healthy relationship with themselves and others.

Namaste~

Sexual Anorexia and Sexual Aversion Disorder

As a therapist that specializes in trauma and addictions (namely sexual and relationship addictions), I have come across a multitude of issues that people face related to their sexuality. During the last few years, there has been a lot of media attention on pornography addiction and other sexual addictions. However, there has not been a lot of press on Sexual Anorexia or Sexual Aversion Disorder. I am seeing an increase in both of these in my practice, as well as an understanding that in one’s sexual addiction, they can have periods of sexual anorexia (usually after they sexually act out due to guilt and shame).

The question is, what exactly is Sexual Anorexia? What is Sexual Aversion Disorder? Finally, could you or your partner have one of these issues?

Sexual Anorexia:

Avoiding anything sexual due to a fundamental terror of one’s own sexuality; this includes a deeply felt hatred for one’s sexual feelings.

Classic components of sexual anorexia include a history of trauma along with deprivation from primary care-givers.

A person with sexual anorexia may have episodes where they “binge” which include acting out sexually. This is often followed by sexual anorexia due to feelings of guilt and shame for acting outside of one’s value system.

Sexual Aversion Disorder:

Sexual Aversion Disorder in the DSM-IV-TR (2000) is defined as: A persistent or recurrent extreme aversion to, and avoidance of, all (or almost all) genital sexual contact with a partner. The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

Typically, with Sexual Aversion Disorder, there is a pattern of resisting anything sexual, continuing this pattern even though the person knows it is destructive, going to extreme efforts to avoid sexual contact at all costs including self-mutilation, distorting one’s appearance, aversive behavior; rigid, judgmental attitudes toward their own sexuality and the sexuality of others, extreme shame and self loathing of sexual experiences, the aversion affects relationships, work, friends, well-being, they obsess about sex so much that it interferes with daily living, they may have episodes of sexual bingeing and sexual compulsivity.

Could you or your partner have sexual anorexia or Sexual Aversion Disorder?

This is a great question and one that can only can be answered through obtaining a thorough assessment with a trained professional. I am shocked at how many therapists treat sexual addictions and Sexual Aversion Disorder while lacking any adequate training in this very specialized field. Make sure you seek help from someone who specializes in the field of sexual addiction.

Treatment Options:

At Namaste Consulting, LLC, I provide individuals with a thorough assessment process to determine early childhood trauma and current trauma bonding behaviors. Clients are administered the Post Traumatic Stress Inventory-Revised created by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., and we explore the significant factors in one’s current relationships that may be impacting sexuality. Client’s are also encouraged to meet with their primary care physician to rule out any medical issues. Couples therapy can be useful in exploring the relationship dynamics that may be impacting the primary client’s aversion to healthy sexuality.

If you would like to schedule an assessment, please contact Candice at 240-257-6463. Healing is possible!