How to Protect Your Children and Grandchildren From Porn

*Explicit content will be discussed in this blog* This past weekend, I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Gail Dines, the author of Pornland (2010) speak at the International Institute of Trauma and Addictions Professionals annual symposium.

Dr. Gines is a sociologist, a researcher, and an activist who has spent her entire career researching the negative impact the porn industry has on youth, both boys and girls, and men and women. 

This blog is going to share some disturbing information, facts and research about the porn industry, but as Dr. Gines explained in her presentation, if we find this information disturbing, we need to think about what our 11 year old sons, grandsons and daughters and granddaughters are thinking and feeling when they are first exposed to pornography and the sexualized social media. 

Here are the facts (provided by Culturereframed.org): 

• Porn sites have more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined
• Nearly 90% of representative scenes in top-rented and downloaded porn films have been found to contain aggression. Physical aggression including spanking, slapping, gagging occurred in over 88% of scenes. Nearly 1/2 the scenes had verbal aggression i.e., "bitch", "slut". 
• "Teen Porn" searches have more than tripled between 2005-2013, and teen porn was the fastest-growing genre over this period. Total teen-related  porn searches reached an estimated 500,000 daily in March 2013, representing one-third of total daily searches for pornographic web sites.
• The number one type of porn that boys as young as 11 years of age are exposed to when they are first exposed to pornography is gag porn where females are choked with a man's genitalia to the point of crying and almost vomiting (sometimes they also plug the female's nose while she is gagged); and gang rape violent porn. This is the sex education that boys and girls are seeing today. This is scary.
• The younger the boys get to porn, the more it decreases their capacity for intimacy, the more it increases their depression and anxiety,  the more it decreases their empathy for rape victims, and the more they are likely to engage in risky sexual behavior (this is based on 40 years of research). 
• Boys are being socialized by the porn industry to believe that to be a man, this is what they need to do to be masculine-that having sex with a female is about rape, dehumanization, and degradation. Boys who come across porn are often confused: they feel aroused, they feel shame, they don't and they think this is normal (when it isn't!).
• Females are learning at a very young age by the media (magazines, television, social media) to be "porn ready" with the focus for females being on looks, sex, and being an object. 
• The porn industry is a multi-billion dollar industry with a huge lobbying group called Free Speech Coalition that is set on keeping porn alive. 

This information is indeed troubling, however, some states and countries including Utah and the United Kingdom have been pro-active in taking steps to address the massive global porn epidemic. Utah recently passed legislation calling the porn epidemic a Public Health Issue. The United Kingdom has passed an "Opt-In, Opt Out" law where individuals must call to "opt into" porn viewing on the internet. 

Some pop psychologists such as Dr. David Ley continue to assert (often via junk research) that porn is not addictive nor problematic, however, the enormous amount of research speaks to the contrary. Sadly, it is common for the porn industry to pay these individuals to speak to the media in favor of their cause while disregarding the facts.

More and more teens are getting porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) as a result of compulsively looking at porn. The brain, after all, gets addicted to the images (pixels) on the screen and with dopamine, the "gotta get it" neurotransmitter, over-activated, the result is PIED. For teens who have not formed an arousal template to real-life males or females, it is easy for their brains to get hijacked via porn so that they can only feel aroused by looking at an image on a screen.  For more research on how porn hijacks the brain, go to yourbrainonporn.com or www.gaildines.com.

It is important to acknowledge the reality that girls and teens are also becoming addicted to pornography as well as being over-sexualized, objectified, and de-humanized as a result of the porn industry. With access, anonymity, and affordability, anyone can find porn, and many do (boys and girls especially).... often by accident.

While this information is extremely disturbing, there are things that we can all do to protect our children, teens, as well as grandchildren (this information can be found on CultureReframed.org). 

• Create a setting that is safe and supports an open door policy so that children and teens feel comfortable talking about anything, including what they see on social media, questions about sex, cyber-bullying (many youth experience this), who they have contact with on-line (also a scary reality these days for youth with on-line solicitation by adults via video games, social media),  and porn (so children and teens know that if they stumble upon or become addicted to it they can talk about it).
• Talk openly about how the media shapes our view of men, women, sex, violence, etc.
• Know what is on your children and teen's screens (they don't need smart phones!)
• Use netnanny, openDNS, or K-9 to lock your computer.
• Have a curfew for screens; make sure what is being viewed can been seen
• Discuss safety on the internet and privacy (don't give out information); discuss sexual health.
• Educate yourself and family on the extent and harms of our hyper sexualized media and pornography, including how violent images are teaching our youth that sex is not about intimacy but power, control, no empathy, and violence.
• Engage in community organizations or national organizations such as CultureReframed.Org that are working to protect youth from porn.
• Work with the school and religious communities to educate about the impact of porn on our youth
• If you are your youth has a problem with porn, seek help by an expert who is trained to deal with this very specialized issue (general therapists are not qualified to treat this nor are religious leaders).

I realize this blog may be triggering or overwhelming; if you feel this way, you are not alone. But there is hope and we all can do something about this serious epidemic that is impacting all of us. It takes a village but is possible. Each of us can be positive change agents together. 

To see Gail Daines Tedtalk, put the following link in your web browser (be aware that there is explicit content including language that the porn industry uses so if you have pornography  or sexual addiction, either do not watch this, or watch this with someone who knows of your addiction and who can support you in staying in recovery. This clip is useful to see what your children are seeing in the media and when they go on-line): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YpHNImNsx8

Namasté, 

Candice

 **We are a nationally recognized program that treats pornography addiction! We treat addicts and their partners; we heal families. If you are struggling with porn/sex/love addiction, we are the place for you! We are a research-based program with proven results for helping youth and adults heal longterm from porn, sex, love addiction, substance abuse issues, financial and work disorders, and trauma.

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You Deserve a Clean Slate

This weekend I watched a touching short video that caused me to pause and reflect on the topic regret...here are the details of the video....

A chalkboard was placed in the middle of New York City for one day asking passersby to write down their biggest regret. The response was profound.

Some examples of things that were written included: 

• Not having kids before my dad passed away
• Not going to med school
• Not getting involved
• Not following my artistic passions
• Not following my dreams
• Not being a better friend

As the board filled up, there was a resounding theme~people regretted what they had NOT done including NOT taking chances, NOT pursuing desires and dreams, and words NOT spoken. 

But, then something profound happened....

They were asked to erase the chalkboard. A new awareness emerged. The clean board represented a fresh start for each passerby; a clean slate.

It meant that there were new possibilities right in that moment, that there need not be regret, since we each can make new decisions right here and now.  

It gave individuals a moment to pause and think about second chances; or first ones for that matter. And from this experience, an opportunity arose....

You too have this opportunity.

Let yourself consider the following questions: 

What if you had no regrets? What if you were given a clean slate each day upon awakening and upon going to sleep? What would be different in your life if you let yourself be completely free to pursue what your heart desired?

What if each day we could start new, fresh, in all our choices, in all our relationships? Would we connect more to others, say what we need to say, pursue our dreams, wants, wishes, and desires? Would we be kinder, friendlier, more loving, more honest, more peaceful, more resolved in every single choice we made?

What if every single day, we lived the way that we were born to live: free of fear, free of failure, free of being hurt or disappointed?

What if regret is the very thing that keeps us from doing "the next BIG thing"?

Isn't it time to erase your regret? Isn't it time to allow yourself a clean slate to start anew? Know that you are not alone in this incredibly possible endeavor.

Give yourself a clean slate, right here, right now. You deserve it.

To watch the actual video of this New York City experiment, "My Biggest Regret" put this link in your browser: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R45HcYA8uRA

As always, no matter what is going on around you, please know that- you are worth it.

Namasté, 

Candice

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Creating Lasting Intimacy In Your Relationship: It Starts with Communication

Being in a relationship is the hardest yet most rewarding job anyone could ever have. The reason for this is simple: We actually care about our loved one. We value their opinion, we care about what they think, and we want to be loved and respected (a basic human need). However, no one is officially taught how to be in a healthy relationship; and healthy is relative to each person. We learn about relationships by watching the two most important people in our lives; our parents or primary caregivers. How they treat each other, talk to each other, and engage with one another is what we learn to be "normal."

Sadly, the person closest to us often sees our ugliest parts and sides. Along with this, many people often treat their partner in ways that they wouldn't treat anyone else (except for themselves of course).

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the leading researchers on how to make relationships (marriages specifically) last, contend that healthy communication is key to having a happy and lasting relationship (Gottman training, 2014).

The Gottmans' explain that the following forms of communication, of which they call The Four Horsemen, are likely indicators that a relationship will fail. These include: Criticism (verbally attacking character), Contempt (attacking sense of self), Defensiveness (seeing self as victim), and Stonewalling(withdrawal as means to avoid conflict).

The Four Horsemen are known to create irreparable damage to a relationship.

The only way to heal a relationship where there has been on-going contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling is to learn how to communicate and connect in a new way void of these forms of engaging.

The Gottmans have tried and true techniques that couples can learn to heal their relationship longterm. One technique includes a Repair Checklist (The Gottman Institute, 2010) that couples can use as a guide and reminder of how to communicate, ask for what they need, and engage in ways that will increase intimacy inside an outside of the bedroom.

This Repair Checklist has various sections with practice statements that couples can use with each other to improve communication, increase connection, and enhance intimacy.

Examples of the various sections include:

I Feel... For example, "I am getting scared," and "Please say that more gently."

I Need To Calm Down.... For example, "I need your support right now," and "Can we take a break?"

Sorry... For example, "My reactions were to strong. Sorry," and "Let me try again."

Get to Yes... For example, "You're starting to convince me," and "Let's compromise here."

Stop Action... For example, ""Let's start over again," and "Let's agree to disagree here."

I Appreciate... For example, "I love you," and "Thank you for..."

These are just a few of several examples on Gottman's Repair Checklist, all of which, with practice, are surefire ways to create healthier communication and lasting intimacy.

While most people struggle in their intimate relationship to have healthy communication, there are simple ways to improve this type of connectivity. With practice and dedication by both people, communication and intimacy can improve longterm.

As always, please remember, you are worth it.

Namasté,

Candice

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In Love with A Narcissist? Signs and How to Cope...

According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual-5 (DSM-V), criteria for narcissism includes: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts as indicated by five or more of the following:1) A grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents) 2) Preoccupied with fantasies of power, success, brilliance, ideal love 3) Believes he/she is special; can only associate with other special people 4) Requires excessive admiration (or in some cases can get abusive) 5) Has a sense of entitlement 6) Exploits relationship; takes advantage of others for own benefit 7) Lacks empathy

Characteristics of an abusive narcissist may entail: 1) Lacks Remorse 2) Controlling 3) Lies 4) Blames You For Their Lies 5) Arrogant 6) Cruel 7) Secretive 8) Selfish 9) Manipulative

Often, addicts (any kind of addict) embody characteristics of narcissism. However, some may not really be narcissistic,they may just present with similar attributes in their addiction.

Once they enter recovery, if they are not truly narcissistic, they will develop and demonstrate empathy, compassion, and a sense of humility across settings.

For partners of true narcissists, life can be extremely challenging. These life challenges are usually exacerbated by the narcissistic's addictive behaviors.

For instance, addicts lie. But for a narcissist who is an addict; they will lie, believe their lie, and blame their partner for the behavior that led them to lie. And, they will do so in an arrogant and entitled way.

According to the narcissist, "Everything is YOUR fault!"

For partners of narcissists, arguments result in being told the following:

"You're over-reacting" "I didn't say that" "Stop blowing it out of proportion" "You took it wrong" "Why do you argue about everything?"

Partners often feel desperate, constantly thinking and obsessing about the relationship, all the while trying to find ways to make their narcissistic partner see them as worthy or good enough. Often, they are left feeling and at times acting crazy, neurotic, irrational, and irritable; all the while becoming an expert detective.

Women and men who have experienced the wrath of a true narcissist describe having symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder among other things: depression, anxiety, chronic shame, and intense low self worth.

Partners have reported that it was when they finally escaped the grips of their narcissistic partner and ended their relationship that they were able to truly heal form the trauma they endured.

For partners in a relationship with a narcissist, help is here. Here are some tips for coping with a narcissist:

Get help! Talk to a trained therapist who specializes in treating partners of narcissists as well as has expertise in treating addiction. Have safe people who you trust and can talk to honestly about your relationship. Be open to their feedback; they care about you!

Educate Yourself: Knowledge is empowering and gives us choice. Recommended book: Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self Absorbed by Wendy Terrie Behary, LCSW

Work on Your Self Esteem: This can be empowering but also can create challenges in the relationship with the narcissist, as they like to feel superior in the relationship and keep their partner feeling weak and questioning (for power/control).

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them: This is hard, but it is the best thing that you can do for yourself and your children (if you have them). Be prepared for the narcissist (and addict if you are dealing with both) to rage, be hateful, abusive and threatening at times. Therefore,

Safety Plan: Create a safety plan with your therapist or a safe person and do not tell your narcissistic partner. This can be challenging (you may want to share it with your partner out of fear, low self worth, or a desire to be loved and approved). It is essential to keep yourself (and your children) safe from harm, especially if you are dealing with an abusive narcissist.

Leave: The reality of being with a narcissist is that you may have to leave. This may be your best and healthiest choice, especially if you have children. It is important to remember that the two most important people in our world as children and where we learn about relationships is from our mother and father. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, your children are watching, sensing, hearing and feeling what you are experiencing, even if you think they are too young or not paying attention.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely challenging, emotionally taxing, and physically exhausting. Learning ways to cope in a healthy way can improve your sense of self but also give you the strength to make healthy decisions for yourself and your future.

Please know you are WORTH IT~

Namasté,

Candice

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Surviving "Death": There is Nothing to Fear

"All anxiety, all dissatisfaction, all the reasons for hoping that our experience could be different are rooted in our fear of death. Fear of death is always in the background."-Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart, 1997 Each day, we experience a death of sorts, whether it be in the form of things not working out the way we want, or feeling frustrated or disappointed at someone or something. We also experience it as parts of ourselves or parts of our realities that die.

For instance, divorce is a death. A betrayal due to a loved one's addiction creates a death. Losing friendships, financial loss, a change in faith, losing one's career, a change in one's health; all can signify a death. Change in everyday life is a death.

"When the day ends, when the second ends, when we breathe out, that's death in everyday life"(Chodron, p. 43).

Yet, we spend so much energy and time focusing on avoiding death that we often find ourselves anxious and panicked at the very thought of it.

What if, instead of experiencing fear and panic over change, we instead saw "death" as motivation? Motivation for living in the present moment, motivation for embracing the sanctity of our present tense?

What if we let ourselves get back to the basics of embracing WHAT IS, right here and now?

What if we allow ourselves to take a minute and imagine what it would feel like to breathe in and have a present moment with ourselves without any fear of a death that may happen throughout our day?

"....giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death" (Chodron, p. 45).

When we allow ourselves the space to embrace the reality that exists only in this moment, staying present with what is and not what could be or all the "what ifs" we begin to heal.

Change is inevitable, therefore giving us all the more reason to learn how to embrace the fluidity of each day. Especially how to embrace the sanctity of ourselves in our present tense. You are worth this.

Namasté ~the divine in me honors the divine in you....we are one,

Candice

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