Playing A "Part": Understanding "Parts" Work In Recovery

I have parts. We all do. I have a part that is a scared little girl, about 5 years old, as well as a part that is a controlling nag. I have a part who is typing this blog (she is a perfectionist at times). Please do not assume that because I have parts, I have Dissociative Identify Disorder because I don't. I simply have parts like the rest of humanity. Sound crazy? Maybe at first; however, once you start to understand the parts of you that live inside and have feelings, reactions, responses, and thoughts, your world truly opens up. Things change; we start to heal.

It is pretty phenomenal.

Richard Schwartz created a brilliant method of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) which explores people's various "parts" (sometimes called sub-personalities) that live inside each of us and have their own unique feelings, thoughts, motivations, and view of the world (Self Therapy, Jay Early, 2009, p.2).

The goal is to identify these parts in order to resolve the trauma that is attached and transform them into more functional, healthy parts. Some parts are little, called "Exiles"; while others are bigger parts called "Protectors". Once identified, we begin to explore how they interact in our everyday environment. It is important to know that we have multiple parts that live inside of us (not just one or two).

Still sound crazy?

This method has deepened my work tremendously with my clients. I swear by it as a trauma therapist and my clients have healed faster by using this method along with EMDR. It is amazing. I highly recommend it to everyone.

Let's explore an example:

Janie is a grown woman who has a history of sexual abuse by her uncle starting at age 5 years of age. Her parents knew about the abuse but never protected her or stopped him (they turned the other cheek). Janie married Hank when she was 18; Hank is a sex addict who spends hours looking at pornography. He was recently fired from his job for looking at porn on his work computer.

Janie finds out. She is devastated; she feels sick to her stomach and horrified by his behavior. Especially since he is the primary breadwinner. She also feels disgust and distrust in the relationship. Hank is no longer a "safe" person to Janie's little girl part, which tends to show up every time her husband is around her, and especially when he is in his "addict" part.

This impacts her behavior around him to where one of her "protector" parts comes out to check out via the television and with food. She neglects her family as a result of locking herself in her room to cope.

Hank's addict part is like a teenager. He is manipulative, sneaky, and lies... A LOT. His teen part gets triggered when Janie checks out because his mom used to do that with he and his siblings when his dad would get drunk. This feeds his wanting to numb out by looking at porn to escape the discomfort and fear of rejection.

Both Janie and Hank's parts are the main players who continually show up in their relationship. Their adult parts show up at times, but Janies' 5 year old and Hank's addict run the show.

In order to assist this couple in there healing, therapy must focus on helping them each identify these parts and heal them so that Janie and Hank can interact and engage from their healthy, adaptive adult parts. Individual and couples therapy (the latter, once each person is stable) is recommended.

Like Janie and Hank, every individual I have worked with since I started using Internal Family System's Method can relate to having parts. Both men and women describe times in their lives where they got "stuck" inside, and that part or more than one part continually rears it's head.

Some people report being able to sense that a part is out, but having a hard time identifying what it is. Instead, they often show up to therapy as a specific part, making the therapy process a replication of their childhood and relationship dynamic.

For example, individuals who have drug addiction often show up to therapy in their teenage addict part; this part is so strong that they will continually argue, manipulate, defend, lie, and battle in therapy. It often creates havoc in treatment and is counterproductive to healing. This part often protects an incredibly shame based part that hides deep inside.

Individuals that show up to therapy in their sex/porn addict part sometimes argue, blame their spouse, and are in great denial. However, more often than not, they don't stay in that part as often as individuals with drug addiction. Instead, they quickly present a part that has tremendous amount of shame and despair, looking very fragile in their presentation.

When individuals have sex and drug addictions, the drug addict part often runs the show and calls the shots in treatment until they feel safe enough to let their guard down.

Partners of addicts often show up in various parts. Some show up as a checked out, numb part; others show up as a stoic, distrusting, and guarded part. While others show up as "go getters"; in control and over-compensating for the addict's indiscretions.

We also see this in youth (children and teens). Some will show up as a smaller version of themselves, while others have already formed an addict part or other protector part that keeps them from feeling further pain and shame.

Healing Parts:

It is essential that individuals explore and heal their parts so that they can operate from their functional, authentic selves in all aspects of their lives. This will improve one's relationship with their loved ones and create a sense of internal comfort. It is also important that both people in the couple-ship learn about their parts so they both are able to understand each other better.

Here are some beginner tools to use when exploring parts:

• Do this work with a trained trauma expert who understands parts work
• Purchase a journal and Jay Early's book titled, Self Therapy (this does not replace therapy but will help you understand your parts)
• Identify Protector Parts and Exiles

Protector Parts: Explore in your journal the following questions designed for these bigger parts that live inside you:

What is it trying to protect you from? It's positive intent for you? How does it protect you from pain? How does it relate to others? What's it's role in helping you manage your life

Exile Parts: Explore in your journal the following questions designed for these smaller (younger parts) that live inside you:

What emotions does it feel? What pain does it carry? What is it afraid of? What negative beliefs does it have? What situations/relationships is it stuck in from childhood? What current situations trigger it? What protectors come out when it is triggered?

By learning about the various parts, both the adaptive and maladaptive ones that show up in your life each day, as well as how they interact inside of you, you will be able to take your recovery to a deeper level. In order to heal completely, we must heal ALL parts of ourselves, not just "the addict" or "the scared partner" parts.

*For more information on parts work or to schedule a consultation/therapy session, email Cari at cari@namasteadvice.com

As always, remember, you are SO worth it!

Namasté,

Candice Note: This blog references Jay Early's book Self Therapy, 2009).Photo by mariashriver.com

Affordable Adrenal Healing Webinar and Intro to Couples Yoga at Namasté starting in February! Healing Adrenal Fatigue 12-Week Webinar for individuals who have experienced chronic stress and exhaustion from life's many stressors; Mondays starting February 1st, 4:30-6p.m. $30 per call. Couples Intro to Yoga-for Couples wanting to improve trust, learn forgiveness, and connect on a more intimate level; Feb 13th, 12-3 p.m; $200 total; rsvp: candice@namasteadvice.com; $50 reserves your seats; space is limited! Email Cari at admin@namasteadvice for a copy of our Group and Workshop Schedule and Fees, or to RSVP

The Grass is Greener...Where You Are

HAPPY NEW YEAR! As recovery from the holidays (and New Year's Eve) begins, it is common for people to make New Year's Resolutions. Often people set goals related to recovery from unhealthy behaviors including substance addiction, porn/sex addiction, food/sugar addiction, workaholism, an addiction to chaos and stress, debting/spending, or all of the above. But, sadly a lot of people don't change. Instead, they stuff their deep-seated (and often maladaptive) thoughts and feelings related to their intimate relationship, work, finances, etc and focus on life outside of their own.

Many have a belief that the grass is greener on the other side.

They believe, "If I have this (money, drugs, sex, food), or am with her/him.... my life will be easier, happier, better."

I assure you that this is not true; the grass is NOT greener. Where you go, there you are.

People sometimes get a "scent" under their nose of another woman or man that they think will make them happier than their significant partner, husband and/or wife. They won't.

This may seem like a blunt and brash assumption on my part;however, as an expert in treating all kinds of intimacy issues and relational conflict, I have seen it. Unless you are in an abusive, or trauma-filled relationship where betrayal is on-going on one or more level (this is truly relative to the person experiencing it), I believe that with the proper guidance and support by a trained expert, most relationships can recover.

1. Why do people think the grass is greener on the other side?
2. They don't want to look at their own unresolved issues
3. They have already started an emotional, mental, or physical affair with a person, porn, substance(s), finances, and/or their work
4. They are absorbed in their addiction(s)
5. All of the above

Unresolved Issues: People that think the grass is greener on the other side often are terrified of taking a look at the deeper issues, thoughts and feelings in their past and present. They may have depression, anxiety, unresolved trauma, and attachment issues (or all of the above) that they have never healed. Without doing the work, they will continue to look at someone else's yard comparing their "lack of" with what the neighbor has.

An Affair: With social media nowadays, is actually pretty easy to spot an affair unfolding. People will either post too much about an affair that is unfolding, or keep it secret and focus on their partner, family, forming a double life. For folks that are having an affair, they will always think the grass is greener and most often will blame their partner and "life" on their choice to have an affair. Cheating is always a symptom of a deeper issue, and it has nothing to do with being unhappy with one's spouse. Guaranteed.

Addiction: Whether it is an addiction to substances, alcohol, porn, sex, relationships, food, individuals with an addiction (or multiple addictions), people often think the grass is greener IN their addiction, therefore, their focus remains deluded.

Realizing that the Grass is Greener Where You Are takes daily practice, consistent structure, and support. But it is possible!

Here are some simple ways to enjoying the grass in your own backyard:

Be Accountable: Stop blaming others. Get honest with yourself about your choices, actions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, and the impact they have on your loved ones, finances, work, and life in general

Get help! Therapy, especially if you have an addiction, are experiencing a depression/anxiety/trauma symptoms, are having marital conflict, work stress, etc, will help you! Your life can and will improve if you are open and willing to do the work.

Have Gratitude: If you want more of a good thing, focus on having gratitude for the good things that you already have. This is such a simple yet effective tool. Start today and write in a gratitude journal, taking note of all that you appreciate in your life. Watch it grow!

Set a Daily Intention to focus on the grass being greener where you are: This takes practice, especially for people who have gotten in an emotional rut, are depressed, or have gotten used to blaming others for their issues. Examples include: "Today, I intend to show appreciation to my loved ones and use kinder words" or "Today, I intend to be present to what life has to offer me." For individuals in their addiction, the intention may be: "Today, I will get myself into recovery/start recovery/schedule my intake/check into detox"

Do it! The only way to have the life you want is to actually practice daily change, meaning you have to actively do things differently on an on-going basis. Yes, you will likely make mistakes along the way, but that is how you grow!

Life will get easier and better in time, especially if you let yourself embrace the fact that you have this amazing life in front of you. Even with all the trials and tribulations you may face, the grass is truly greener where you are, I promise.

As always, remember, you are SO worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

Lots of new groups coming to Namasté in January! Courage to Heal Men's Substance Abuse Recovery Group Monday, Jan 4th, 7-8:30p.m. $35 per group

I am Enough Women's Trauma Recovery Group, Wednesdays, Jan 6th, 6-8 p.m. $30 per group

Mending a Shattered Heart Female Partner of Intimate Betrayal Group 2nd and 4th Thursday 6-8 p.m. $45 per group

New Year, New You Saturday Workshop Saturday, Jan 16th, 10-2 p.m.; $60 total

Healing Adrenal Fatigue On-Going Group for individuals who have experienced chronic stress and exhaustion from life's many stressors; Mondays starting in February, 4:30-6p.m. $25 per group

Couples Yoga Intensive Weekend for Couples wanting to improve trust, learn forgiveness, and connect on a more intimate level; Jan 12-13th; $600 total; rsvp: candice@namasteadvice.com

Email Cari at admin@namasteadvice or call 801-272-3500 for a copy of our Group and Workshop Schedule and Fees, or to RSVP

A New Year, A New Healthy YOU!

How many times over this past year, in 2015, did you consciously strive to change your health and feel like you failed? How often did you wonder what caused you to feel like a "failure"? How much time did you take to explore the reasons for what may have felt like "false starts"?

Many people set numerous new year intentions for changing their health patterns, then begin, only to realize they get stuck, then suddenly stop.

In order to move forward with anything, we must take time to reflect on our past choices, behaviors, and thoughts, especially when it comes to our health habits. The good news is that we can do so without stunting our potential for growth in the future.

Here are some tips for doing that:

Stick to the facts List in chronological order Be a curious observer Let it go!

Stick To The Facts:

First, keep it simple. Write an account of one to three times this past year that you started to proactively change your health. Document your exercise, your diet, your lifestyle (sleep, work modes, social settings, etc…) and any other areas you jump-started, that ended in a hard fall.

List In Chronological Order:

Let time be your guide to reflect and process in chronological order the plans you made, the process you embarked on and what happened that prevented you from continuing.

Be A Curious Observer:

Look, connect and feel. This means be witness to what you accomplished, connect to both the successes and challenges you faced, and feel the sensations in your mind and body today from those experiences back then.

Let It Go!

Embrace and surrender as you move into a New Year and the opportunity for a New You, and a New, Healthier You! It’s easier to start a new pattern than to re-pattern an old one so imagine the change you want to become and start today!

Join me for our Namasté “New Year, New You” Workshop, and together we will create your 2016 plan for a “New, Healthy You”! When: Saturday, January 16th from 10:00am-2:00pm! $60 total; Reserve your seat today! admin@namasteadvice.com.

Remember, You are worth it!

Namasté,

Cari Junge, Integrative Health Advisor Namasté Center for Healing

Healing From Betrayal

Intimate betrayal can take on many forms, the most common one being "cheating." As an esteemed colleague once said to me so poignantly, it is not so much about the "cheating on" that is painful, as it is the "cheating out of" that hurts. Partners of a spouse who cheats via an affair with another person, substance abuse, financial betrayal, workaholism, are cheated out of what and whom they thought they were committing to: an honest, loving, faithful person who they could trust. They are cheated out of a life they had hoped and dreamed of, cheated out of future plans, especially if their loved one refuses to get help or get better.

The spouse who causes the intimate betrayal is cheated out of the same things: a life they deserve with their loving partner and children, living in ways that are congruent and authentic to who they truly are, honoring a value system and belief system that feels good in a healthy way; one that entails fidelity, trustworthiness, honesty, and accountability.

Many individuals I work with ask if healing from intimate betrayal is possible. My answer is "Yes."

The question is, "How?"

First, it depends on whether or not the person with the cheating behavior, which can entail cheating with an addiction of sorts, wants to get well. If they do want to get help then,

SEEK HELP:The person that has caused the intimate betrayal needs to seek treatment by a qualified therapist that is trained to deal with these intricate and complicated issues

HONESTY: They need to be 100% honest and fully accountable for all of their behavior

COMMITMENT: They need to be committed to changing at ALL costs

WORK A PROGRAM: They need to work a recovery program where they have daily homework, support, guidance, and accountability

TRUST: They need work daily to rebuild trust in their relationship with themselves and their loved ones. This takes as long as it takes, however, can happen if they are willing to stay the course.

Sometimes the person that has committed the intimate betrayal will not want to get help. Regardless of whether or not they do, in order to heal, we encourage partners do the following:

SEEK HELP: It is crucial to get therapy, as the entire family system gets sick when their is an addiction and/or intimate betrayal has occurred. Seek therapy from a qualified professional who specializes in treating intimate betrayal, as it can be complicated

BOUNDARIES: It is crucial to learn and set healthy boundaries with a spouse that has done the cheating. Lies and manipulation are often a big part of the intimate betrayal. Setting healthy emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual boundaries in the relationship is a sign of love of self and other, not a punishment.

SELF CARE: Sometimes spouses who have cheated are afraid of their partner getting healthy for fear that they may leave them. As a result, some try to sabotage the partner's progress in an attempt to maintain control. It is imperative to stay the course and get the support one needs to get well. Finding time to take care of oneself-even if it is as simple as reading a good book or drinking a cup of tea snuggled in a blanket on the couch- is extremely important for one's mental, emotional, and physical health.

TRUST YOUR GUT: Addicts lie, cheaters lie. Can they learn to be honest and accountable? Absolutely. But for partners of spouses who cheat, they have gotten attuned to a sense inside that their loved one is lying, using, cheating. Trust that! Don't buy into the lies and manipulation. If you feel your spouse is using drugs, have them drug tested. If you feel your spouse is having an affair, trust that. Your gut will never lie to you. Seek guidance from your therapist if and when this feeling arises.

Healing from intimate betrayal is possible, with time, and the proper guidance and support from professionals who specialize in treating this complex issue. If you feel like your spouse is cheating on your via a person, or substances, with the finances, etc., seek help. Know that you are not alone, and that in time, you too can and will heal.

In humble gratitude dear ones.

Namasté,

Candice

Contact info: NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Lots of new groups coming to Namasté in January!

-Courage to Heal Men's Substance Abuse Recovery Group-I am Enough Women's Trauma Recovery Group-Mending a Shattered Heart Female Partner of Intimate Betrayal Group-New Year, New You Saturday Workshop to create a 12-Month Wellness Plan for your health-Healing Adrenal Fatigue On-Going Group for individuals who have experienced chronic stress and exhaustion from life's many stressors-Couples Yoga Intensive Weekend for Couples wanting to improve trust, learn forgiveness, and connect on a more intimate level Email Cari at admin@namasteadvice for a copy of our Group and Workshop Schedule and Fees.

photo by: postersandprintsblog

Non-Hands on Sex Crimes: Always "Sex Offenses"?

I recently read a case where a man plead guilty to burglary and a "sexually directed" crime. Apparently, the sexual part of the crime was that he stole pair of underpants. While he did not have any contact with the person that owned the underwear (he stole them from the house he burglarized), at one point he wore the underpants. Police arrested him after he admitted to wearing the underpants;however, he stated that he never masturbated with the underpants on. In the end, he was convicted of a sex offense and sent to prison. The question that was posed related to this crime: Is he really a sex offender?

Let's explore various aspects of this crime:

1) What is the crime that he actually committed? Burglary (which seems obvious), a "sex offense", or both? And, if he committed a sex offense, clinically does he fit under the label of "sex offender"? Some research suggests that while there is often some overlap between the legal and clinical constructs of sexual offending, they are not congruent, particularly related to disorders of sexual preference.

He indeed committed a burglary by breaking into a person's home and stealing. But did he really sexually offend? I presume that the argument can go both ways; one way being yes he offended against the person whose underwear he stole. The other being no, an object such as underwear is just that; an object. It may be offensive and strange to steal it and wear it, but it is not necessarily a sex offense.

2) Stealing underwear can mean a variety of things to an individual. I know this because I work with many men who come to Namasté describing what appears to be sexual compulsion (or rather, the controversial term "sex addiction"). They often report that since childhood, they have stolen other people's underwear and either smelled it, worn it, and/or masturbated with it on. Many men that participate in this behavior describe unresolved childhood trauma and/or clear attachment issues related to his mother. There is indeed significant shame attached to their past trauma and current coping behavior.

Some report that wearing their mother's underwear as a youth made them feel "closer" to their primary caregiver (a coping skill), while wearing it as an adult is a replication of this type of connection, but now with women they may not feel comfortable getting close to (i.e., for fear of rejection). It can also be a way for an individual to feel more comfortable in their skin if there is a severe history of abuse and trauma. This too is typically a trauma response and is often a result of being abused as a child, for instance for being the son in the family who "got the brunt of it". Therefore, some men believe that wearing and touching the sensation of the underwear is soothing; it comforts them to have it on.

Still, some men have described feeling like they are more like a woman by wearing women's underwear, but not in the sense of wanting to be female. Based on their history of abuse, they report wearing underwear as a way to relieve the pressure of being male. This may not make sense to any of us, but to the person struggling with this behavior, once we shed light on the historical basis of their behavior, which is often one of the things I have described, they feel a huge sense of relief (and consequently, start to change the behavior).

2) Why do people commit theft or burglary such as this? Some might say that the obvious answer is that they are Antisocial and do not have a value system or moral compass. Others might say that it is as simple as them needing something and not having the money to buy it.

However, there are other, deeper reasons why people steal besides having a personality disorder or needing something they cannot afford. If you look at a person's upbringing and how they were nurtured (or not), it often sheds light on their choice to steal from others. For instance, I once had a female client who stole from her aunt when she was 12 years old. In therapy she described her aunt being a very large woman who would sit on my client when she was angry at her. My client shared being so angry with her aunt that as a "pay back", she stole her jewelry because her aunt loved it so much. This type of behavior is called Monetized Rage. It involves stealing money or items in an attempt to resolve unresolved anger, pain, sadness or hurt.

How are Monetized Rage and Eroticized Rage for that matter, potential aspects in this case? Monetized rage is similar to eroticized rage, which is sexualizing behavior in an attempt to resolve anger, pain, sadness, hurt. For instance, some of my clients have reported looking at porn with their wife next to them in bed as a way to "get back" at their wife for not being in the mood to sex with them. Out of anger, they look at porn. Their maladaptive thinking is, "Fine, I will satisfy my own needs!" Neither monetized rage nor eroticized rage are healthy, but people partake in this type of behavior as a form of coping.

Are we being too broad in how we label sex offenses? Let's look at some "sex crimes" that are questionable sex offenses but still on the legal books (even though they are rarely prosecuted). Fornication, for instance, is sexual intercourse between two unmarried people. Adultery Fornication, is sexual intercourse with someone other than one's spouse. Both are still considered non-forcible sex offenses that have been recognized since early American common law. These are still considered unlawful under some state statutes. However, neither fornication nor adultery is prosecuted with much regularity. The requirements of penetration that must be proved in other sexual offenses involving sexual intercourse also must be proved for fornication and adultery.

Along with this, teens are now being charged federally as committing sexual offenses in some jurisdictions for producing child porn if they send a nude picture of their genitalia to another person. Some have to register as sex offenders for committing what has been labeled as self-produced pornography.

Other factors to consider: What if this man is exploring his own gender identity issues or simply likes wearing women's underwear? There are many men who have stolen underwear and worn it because they are exploring their own gender identity. Is this a crime? Stealing might be, but is wearing the underwear as part of one's gender exploration/identification process? What if he likes wearing women's underwear for not other reason than he "likes it." Can we let that be what it is? Or do we have to pathologize it?

As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, my role is to accurately assess what the client (and often his or her significant partner, the law, work, family members) deem as damaging to self, relationships, and their lives. If someone enjoys wearing the opposite sex's underwear and it is not causing harm to others, who cares? The issue in this case is that this individual broke the law by stealing the underwear (by breaking into a person's home). Clearly illegal behavior.

What might treatment for this type of individual look like? I would not jump immediately to clinically labeling this person, including labeling him as a sex offender. I would explore his life history, looking for any trauma and origin of various coping skills, including sexual and non sexual. I would also explore his attachment style to his primary caregivers and as an adult, and the possibility that he may not know how to get his non-sexual and sexual needs met in a healthy way, so he "takes" and possibly "gets off-gets his dopamine high" with the goal of no one noticing. I would assess and treat any paraphilic disorders (if appropriate), explore and treat (if applicable) "sex addiction", underlying shame, and any trauma (these are the "why" of his behaviors). I would also focus on the origins of his stealing behavior as well as any thinking errors, accountability, empathy, etc., and work on him learning to ask for what he needs, and getting what he needs in a healthy way rather than taking things illegally. If he simply likes to wear women's underwear then so be it. More power to him; the goal again would be to wear underwear that he purchases. I would treat the issues accurately instead of using the one size fits all stamp of sex crime = sex offense = sex offender treatment. If he needs sex offender treatment, then that is what I would recommend. But not without doing an accurate and complete assessment of all the information first.

Final Note: I realize I may be thinking WAY outside the box related to sex crimes and sex offending and that my blog may offend some individuals. I respect that. But, perhaps it is time for our society to take a more open-minded approach to treating various sex crimes instead of labeling all behavior that appears to be sexual in nature as "sex offenses". After all, there are a lot of unmarried fornicators and adultery fornication going on (remember the recent Ashley Madison hack and scandal?). I am being somewhat facetious in saying this as I realize that committing burglary is quite different than these two more common sexual behaviors (which, in my opinion, should no longer be in the legal books as a sex offense). What if we provided accurate assessments and treatment interventions for folks with varying degrees of what we consider to be sexually deviant behavior so that they too can heal? Doesn't everyone deserve that?