A Sex Addict's Journey In Recovery Continued...

Written by a male sex addict in recovery. When I decided to start writing, to blog about my recovery, I had no idea how difficult it would be. I have struggled mainly with deciding what to share next. I am in such a different place than I was when I began this journey and so I want to share all the knowledge I now have. If I remember why I wanted to write though, I remember that I wanted to give a different perspective on what recovery from this addiction is. These first two posts focus mainly on a two week span of events. I did not plan that at first. As I wrote and rewrote them I thought about how difficult they were for me and probably for any addict starting recovery. So without it being the plan but feeling confident that the experience is beneficial to hear I stuck with those two weeks for these two posts.

Each recovering addict has a very unique experience. Sometimes we focus on the unique and forget the similarities. That is a mistake that I try to avoid; sometimes successfully and sometimes not so successfully.

If sex addiction is not a real addiction why do so many sex addicts go through withdrawal? Why have we white knuckled through our cycle of addiction? After my first appointment with Candice and signing of the 90 day sobriety contract, I felt I had no tools to stay sober other than white knuckling. I felt the withdrawal from my old way of life, the secret life that I had become addicted to. I don’t pretend to know what a substance abuser’s withdrawal is like but I can imagine I felt similar things. Not physical as in shaking, though I did feel it physically. It was more a mental withdrawal and a challenge to keep my ADHD brain focused for more than a few minutes on any task that week. I was lost in my head worse than any time I had self-imposed sobriety.

Most of the addicts I have associated with in my journey have a porn addiction mainly. The addiction to online porn is different than the porn I was exposed to as a youth. My sex addiction was well beyond porn by the time I met Candice but porn was a catalyst, my “entry” drug if you will.

In my Mormon home the word “sex” wasn’t even spoken let alone any nudity. I remember as a 6 year old getting out of the bath on a Saturday afternoon. My parents were upset about something and needed to call my brother in from the front yard. I saw a chance to help out and ran to the front door leaving the towel in the bathroom, opened the door and started screaming for my brother to come in. Before I knew it I was being yanked backwards through the air and being spanked so hard I peed. I’m laughing at the mental image now as I see the pee as I’m flying backwards into the living room. It is funny! I don’t remember anything after the flying pee. But it drove home hard the negative feeling of nudity. I share this experience to help build the basis of the confusion of seeing nude pictures for the first time. My first exposure to porn was playboy magazines that my neighbor had stolen from his grandfathers. I remember so many shocking things about that. Not just that there were nude pictures but that his GRANDFATHER had these magazines. I think we grow up believing everyone’s home experience is the same as ours. I thought all homes were as ridged as mine and that ALL family members went to church every Sunday.

In my second session with Candice the results of my Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI) were laid bare to me. I had no basis to understand what these results were going to tell but I felt exposed and embarrassed as she pulled open her computer to go over them with me. I don’t remember all the details of what we talked about. We talked about a few specific questions and why I had answered them the way I had. What I remember most was the scoring. Anything above a 6 was considered a sex addict. Anything above a 16 and it is recommended that one gets inpatient treatment. I scored a 17. What was ringing in my ears was “inpatient”. My head was swimming with thoughts. Over my life I have learned to hide my emotions. No, that’s not even true. I have learned to not acknowledge to myself that I had emotions. So in this swimming of thoughts my body did it’s best to hide any outward expression of the inward emotions. Inpatient would mean I could not keep this secret from my family. I was in terror and determined to not show it. I know now my addict needs to feel in control and showing emotion was not control to me. Thankfully Candice was willing to try and help treat me through bi-weekly sessions and group and if that didn’t work she would recommend inpatient. This option, twice a week sessions and group, was a savior in my mind. The fear of needing inpatient treatment would end up being a huge motivator for me these first few weeks of my recovery.

An important event happened at the end of this second session. In our first session Candice had discussed the cost of the SDI and a package of sessions she offered. Knowing that regardless of anything else my court order required at least ten sessions I opted for the package deal. Addicts to everything in secret! How do I pay for a dozen sessions and the SDI exam? A credit card? No, that leaves a trail for my spouse to question plus fees I hate to pay. A personal check? No my spouse would question. My option was to withdraw cash from an account my spouse did not see and pay that way. As the session concluded Candice was asking how I wanted to pay. I pulled out my wad of cash, several 100 dollar bills to purchase a 12-session package, and handed it to her. She looked at me and laughed. I had no appreciation for how I just made her feel. Remember addicts think they feel but honestly we just stuff those feelings. If we don’t know how we feel how can we recognize those around us feel? Being totally oblivious of the person in front of me I left the session rattled with the SDI, “threat” (in my mind it felt like a threat) of inpatient treatment and STRONG recommendation to attend a group. ALL of those were physically upsetting to me.

At the start of the next session Candice explained to me how handing her a wad of cash was similar to what I used to do when I acted out at massage parlors, giving women wads of cash for pleasure. She explained that her role as my Sex Addiction Therapist was to help me learn how to value me for me, not feel I have to pay people to create a sense that I have value. Being in recovery and beginning to feel the feelings we have stuffed so long those feelings are amplified. I was mortified at what I had done. I had felt nothing but gratitude for the honest, no bull shit help Candice was already offering me. I vowed to never pay in cash again. I can look back on that experience now and chuckle. It was a great learning experience.

"Why Am I Blogging?" Part I of A Male Sex Addict's Journey In Recovery

Written by Male Sex Addict. Shared at his request. I've read many blogs on sex addiction recovery. Many from religious points of view particularly the LDS point of view which is what I’m most familiar with having lived my life as an active Mormon. While I do not want to minimize those blogs I’ve always felt I did not quite relate to any of those. In comparison the actual sex addicts I’ve met and become friends with on my recovery journey are real and much easier to relate with. I know most of that is because of the vulnerable and honest exchanges we’ve had over time.

Just like you I’ve read stories in papers, online articles and listened to radio shows all discounting sex addiction as a real addiction. Or they equate sex addiction to sex offenders. Some of them are well meaning but obviously misinformed. I want to tap them on the shoulder and say “you’re looking at this wrong, you need a different perspective”. That’s what my therapist has told me from day one about myself.

Most blogs seem to start with “My Story” but for me that is not how my recovery began. I was in denial of “my story” at the beginning. I could not even see it let alone share it and therefore I will begin at MY beginning, therapy.

The first baby steps. My recovery process began in September of 2012. I had been court ordered to get some counseling. (I know this may seem an odd place to start because some information feels like its missing. But for those in my recovery circle at the time this is all the information I shared. Fear drove my actions and that fear did not allow me to expound more than this at the beginning.) I had six months to complete 10 sessions with a therapist. At first I didn’t want anything to do with therapy so I procrastinated and by the time I had my first appointment I had less than 10 weeks. The story of how I found my therapist is more than we need to go through here but maybe in another post as it is part of my “story”. I will just say that I made appointments with two other therapists and canceled them before finally starting recovery with Candice, my CSAT (Certified Sex Addition Therapist) therapist. There are no accidents, things happen for a reason. Let me say this, I will probably say it many times, everyone that is honestly seeking recovery deserves a therapist like Candice! I knew from that very first terrifying appointment with Candice that I had made a crucial step forward in my life. Because I was court ordered, after each of those first dozen or so sessions she would ask if I was still interested in coming back. I reiterated each time that I was there for me not for the court order. Something had clicked in my mind and I knew I had to do this. Near the end of that first session she had me sign a 90 day sobriety contract. In my mind I thought “what the hell is a sobriety contract, I don’t drink?” She explained that I could not look at porn and I could not masturbate. I believe she also said something about no sex with my spouse but it had been 9 months since we had had sex so that was not going to be difficult. I quickly took an inventory in my head thinking how simple this would be since I don’t have a porn or masturbation addiction. The hiccup came when I realized she was talking about cutting off contact with past or current acquaintances and that meant my “friend”. I called her my friend because that is what she was to me. Candice would later challenge this title of “friend” so I’ll call her AP which I’ll explain another time. My friend (AP) and I had had an affair in the past, which was our initial contact with each other. But it had moved beyond that, moved from the physical, to become a friendship. I my eyes she was my only true friend.  Not my lover or sexual partner but my friend and confidant over the previous 5 years. I talked to her daily either through emails, text or phone calls. Standing in Candice’s office I was in total panic, my stomach was in knots, I felt light headed, lost and alone. The panic must have shown or maybe I was physically shaking, I don’t know what showed but Candice calmly allowed me to exempt AP from the contract since it was not a physical relationship. I had shared how AP was the only person that I could talk to. This adjustment to my sobriety contract kept me in recovery.

That very day, after I signed the sobriety contract, I went into my secret email account and set about cutting off all ties to my addiction. That meant telling everyone I was communicating with through there that I was deleting the account. When I was talking to Candice I think I told her there were a few women I was talking to and that I could easily do this even though I had acted out the previous week. When I got into the account I found that I was communicating with 12 different women ALL at some level of inappropriateness for a married man. Most of them I was working with to arrange some rendezvous. I was an addict and it was screaming at me just how far out of control I was.

Looking back I realize why I felt so overwhelmed that first day. Candice was asking a lot of me and fast. She knew I was in a window of hope that she had to take advantage of to push me towards sobriety and recovery. In that same first appointment she told me a book I had to get and read, Out Of The Shadows, by Patrick Carnes. So much information piled on me, so many requests. I was quiet, shy and said only what I must to Candice BUT inside I was determined to gain from this for the start! I bought the book the next day. I had preconceived ideas of what it would say. I was used to the condemnation I felt from religious leaders and fellow travelers in this life for what I did in secret. I KNEW that this book would be more of the same that would bring out the shame I harbored inside but I would trudge through it because I had told Candice I would. Something I learned later in therapy was evident in that first appointment, that I did not know how to say no. In this case it proved to be beneficial.

How wrong I was about that book! I began reading at lunch the following day with my low expectations of interest in this book. After reading for my entire lunch break not really even eating I was shocked at what I felt connected to.  I could not relate all of the examples Dr Carnes shared but the ones I did relate to touched my heart. I felt for the very first time in my life that maybe someone knew what I was going through even if I did not really understand it myself. I felt that there were others who had been through this hell and worse. I headed back to work but my mind was still lingering on the fact that I wasn’t alone. (I would draw some comparison to finding out that you are not the last human being on the earth but that is not the alone feeling I had lived with. It is probably better described better looking at my mission I served in the orient. There were many times I was only person with a big nose, pale skin and anything but jet black hair. I wasn’t alone but I was SO different I was alone.) Sitting at my desk I was yearning to read more and unable to focus on my work. This was a commons feeling being an addict but the subject of my daydreaming was this book. I finally got up, went to my car and drove to a deserted road so I could read some more.  I finished the book in two days which, for a slow reader like me, is saying something. I will admit I skipped one section as it made me uncomfortable. I did not realize at the time why it made me so uncomfortable but looking back with the eyes of my recovery and knowledge of my past trauma I understand.

The requests from Candice for this first session are not complete yet. I had one more requirement she asked of me which was to take the SDI (Sexual Dependency Inventory) before we met again. If you have not taken the SDI or even the sexual addiction screening test (SAST) let me tell you it can be an intimidating task. Fear of being caught or found out, gripped me in all I done for many years. So much of my life had been done in secret this was simply another activity for me to hide from everyone. Candice warned me that taking the SDI could be triggering and that I should take it when I would have some support to help me from acting out. That was impossible for me as my spouse did not know I was even in therapy let alone taking a Sexual Dependency Inventory. She would be mortified. My friend, AP didn’t think Candice knew what she was talking about because we all know “Sex Addicts” are offenders and AP knew I wasn’t an offender. I was on my own to take this. Only knowing how to function as an addict at this point, constantly looking for secrecy and very adept at hiding my activities, I took the SDI on my smart phone sitting in a McDonalds using their free wifi for over two hours. It was exhausting and frightening. I feared most what Candice was about to find out about my secrets but I would have to wait a week to learn for myself.

And thus I had taken my first baby step towards recovery.

Can sex addicts have "healthy" sex?

Individuals with sexual addiction engage in sexual acting out behaviors that often go against their value system. Most wish they could have a healthy relationship; however, due to many having a significant history of trauma (neglect, sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse), they often have a tremendous amount of shame, fear of being vulnerable, and an inability to self-regulate difficult emotions. As a result, they are unable to  be vulnerable, honest, and share intimacy with their spouse.  Sex becomes a way to alleviate emotional pain and feel validated, even if short-lived and superficial.

At Namasté Center for Healing, our goal is to teach both men and women the necessary skills for healing their trauma, and learn how to have healthy sexuality, healthy intimacy and lasting relationships.

Oftentimes, when men and women first enter treatment for sex addition, they express concern that they will never be able to have sex again, specifically healthy sex. Most don't know what healthy sex is.

The goal of sex addiction treatment is to help individuals stop destructive sexual acting out behavior and learn healthy intimacy including healthy sex in a committed relationship. While learning new neuro-pathways for recovery and healthy sex takes time, we reassure all of our clients that it is possible. We begin by having all of our clients take two on-line assessments: the Sexual Dependency inventory-4 (SDI-4), and the Post Traumatic Stress Inventory-Revised (PTSI-R).

These assessments drive our treatment planning process. We then have our clients sign a sobriety contract for 90 days. This allows individuals to experience withdrawal as well as assists us to begin to explore the deeper, hidden desires and issues underneath the addiction. After all, sex addiction is NOT about sex.

In order to explore what healthy sex is, we first explore what healthy sex is NOT:

• It is NOT exploitive
• It is NOT dishonest
• It is NOT secretive
• It has no victims
• It is NOT manipulative
• It is NOT child molestation
• It is NOT rape
• It is NOT incest

Through various discussions, assignments, and processes, we also explore what healthy sex IS:

• Healthy sex IS honest
• It IS consensual (both parties agree to it)
• There IS mutual enjoyment and equality in making decisions about sexual behavior
• It IS safe; both parties feel safe to explore sexually
• It IS based on trust
• There is vulnerability by both parties

We also teach our clients the four core values of sexual recovery. They are essential for having healthy sex in one's relationship, especially since non-sexual behavior always leads to sexual behavior. The four core values include: Honesty which creates Vulnerability; Vulnerability which creates Intimacy; Intimacy which creates Nurturance (The ability to ask for what you need as well as nurture your loved ones); and Nurturance which creates Intimacy (non-sexual and sexual connection).

Our clients often practice these new values in non-sexual ways  in our gender specific groups. We encourage them to also apply them with their partners outside of therapy. In our gender-specific Recovery Zone groups and once clients have significant recovery time (typically 1-2 years), we incorporate Alexandria Katehakis's book Erotic Intelligence as a guide for reintegrating intimacy as well as healthy sex into their relationship. If introduced too soon, we have learned that clients risk feeding their addiction instead of recovery behavior. Timing is key.

If you or someone you know has a sexual addiction, there is hope. Candice and her team of experts have trained with the pioneer of sex addiction treatment, Dr. Patrick Carnes and follow his task-based approach. Our goal is to help individuals and their partners achieve lasting recovery.

Is Sexual Sobriety Necessary for Sex Addicts?

Entering treatment for sexual compulsivity takes a lot of courage, especially in a culture where sex is seen as taboo on the one hand, but promoted and sold everywhere on the other. When men and women first enter outpatient therapy, they often continue to engage in sexually acting out via looking at porn, sexting strangers, engaging in various hook up apps, going to "massage" parlors, stripping, escorting; or engaging in the more hard core addict-offender behavior or exhibitionism or voyeurism.

Some if not most individuals have a difficult time when we ask them to sign a 90 day sobriety contract committing that entails not engaging in ANY sexual activity or other compulsive behavior (i.e., with substances, food, money, work, etc).

In some cases, we allow individuals who are in committed, long term relationships (i.e., married or in a union) to continue to be sexual with their partner unless they use sex with their partner as an escape, a form of exploitation, or another means to feed their addiction. We often have clients come to us voluntarily admitting that they need to do a sobriety contract even with their spouses for these very reasons (escape, exploiting, etc).

Sexual sobriety is a necessary tool for sex addicts seeking recovery, since, like someone with a substance addiction, if they were to continue to come to therapy after getting drunk, it would defeat the purpose of treatment. In order to get to the deeper issues and desires, one must abstain (for 90 days) from sex and anything related to sex.

We are wired to be sexual; this is human nature. However, with a process disorder such as sex addiction, an individual does not understand what healthy sex is. They use sex as a means to escape uncomfortable feelings, avoid intimacy, and flee from being truly attached for fear of rejection from their loved ones.  In order to learn, understand, and begin to practice healthy sexuality, one must first stop the destructive compulsive sexual acting out.

WHAT IS SEXUAL SOBRIETY ENTAIL?

Once individuals sign a 90-day sexual sobriety contract, we realize that they will begin to experience withdrawals, similar to  those experienced by individuals with substance dependence (anxiety, depression, irritability, loss of sleep, loss of appetite). Therefore, we encourage clients to get as much healthy support as they can in order to cope with the emotional and physical discomfort they often experience.

For instance, we emphasis attending individual and group therapy on a weekly or multiple times weekly basis, as well as completing daily assignments ("performables") from Dr. Patrick Carnes' Task Based Model, and attending SAA, SA, and/or SLAA meetings regularly.

An example of an assignment early on might entail doing a 3 Circle Exercise: The inner circle involves those things individuals must abstain from (i.e., porn, massage parlors, strip clubs, etc.) in order to remain sober. The middle circle entails warning signs (i.e., having access to porn on one's phone, driving in the neighborhood where one visited a massage parlor, being alone with one's computer). The outer circle entails new and healthy behaviors that will support one in recovery (i.e., therapy, quality time with their loved ones, exercise, adequate sleep, healthy food, meetings, getting a sponsor). We review this "working document" on a regular basis since one's cycle changes as they continue in treatment.

Partners sometimes feel uncertain about their spouse (the addict) signing a 90- day sexual sobriety contract for fear that they will experience more punishment as a result of their spouse's addiction. After all, the betrayal that they have endured resembles what research has now confirmed as being symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Not being able to be sexually intimate with their partner when they already have felt kicked to the curb via their spouse's addiction can add salt to the betrayal wound. We encourage partners to come into treatment so that we can explain the process and offer them the support they need. We also encourage them to attend their own individual and group therapy with one of our therapists who specialize in treating partners of sex addicts. We emphasize that they too deserve support right now as much as their spouses who've caused them so much pain.

SOBRIETY IS POSSIBLE

I have watched numerous men and women enter treatment fearing they would never be able to achieve sexual sobriety, but in time and with practice many folks say that sobriety works. A recent client said they appreciated the opportunity to be on the sobriety contract for 90 days because it allowed them to focus on the things they'd been avoiding for years; primarily dealing with difficult emotions and connecting more with their spouse and children.

The goal in sex addiction treatment is not to stop all sexual behavior, since as previously noted, humans are wired to be sexual. The goal is to teach individuals how to have sexual recovery and healthy sexuality, which starts with stopping all destructive behavior.

As I tell all my clients, there is HOPE, and you can recover. If you or someone you know believes you have a sexual addiction, love/relationship addiction and would like more information, please contact Candice at 801-272-3500.

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE AND YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

Happily Ever After: Making Your Relationship Work

NOTE: Today's Blog is based off of John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press. NY: NY. 1999.

(You may want to write down the following questions to reflect upon): 

Are you happy in your relationship?  Why or why not?  How long have you been with your partner? How did you meet? What attracted you to him or her? Why have you chosen to stay in the relationship? Do you have the same or similar belief and value system? What obstacles are you overcoming or have you overcome? Do you believe that you can overcome any obstacles? Do you miss your partner when they are not around? Are you interested in finding out about their day when you see them?  What keeps you from "leaning into" your relationship, if you are avoidant in any way? What keeps you preoccupied with the relationship, if you are overly-focused on your partner?

Dr. John Gottman, the leading relationship expert in the country, has figured out how to predict if a couple will stay happily together in a matter of minutes (5 mins to be exact!). His predictions are based on years and years of studies and data he has accumulated, not just a "gut" feeling, or his intuition.

"The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple's friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all."~John Gottman (1999)

What makes a relationship work?

Gottman's research describes the following as key factors for making a relationship work:

1. Happy relationships are based on a deep friendship. Each person demonstrates mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. Do you consider your partner your best friend that you respect and enjoy being around?

2. Happy relationships use "Repair Attempts." This means that they attempt to repair any tension or argument via humor, reframing, or even an apology.

3. Strong relationships entail both partners sharing a deep sense of meaning. They support one another's hopes and dreams. This is a true demonstration of respect for one another and the relationship.

4. Healthy relationships have daily "Stress-Reducing Conversations."

This entails spending 20-30 minutes a day talking about whatever is on your mind outside of your marriage. Research shows that doing this daily helps each person manage their stress in their lives not caused by the relationship. Couples who help one another cope with outside stress have long-term health in their relationship.

5. Healthy fighting. It is ok to fight.  It just depends on how you do it. Do you make repair attempts, or do you stonewall, attack, or run?

I believe that void of a violation of one's human rights, ANY relationship can work, IF BOTH PARTIES are willing to make it work....Food for thought on this beautiful Monday Morning.

Remember, YOU ARE ALWAYS SO WORTH IT!

Namasté (The divine in me honors the divine in you),

Candice