Standing in the Heat: When Things Get Really Heated, Can You Be Ok With Who You Are?

"There is a fire burning. It isn't outside, it is not in a fireplace, there is nowhere to hide. There is a fire burning, it runs deeper than a wound, it bleeds fumes of hatred, and seethes hurt, doom. There is fire inside, it's burdens run deep, it holds onto shame, and claims defeat. There is a fire inside. It is a candle that burns, but it can be cooled, with many lessons learned. There is a fire inside...."  (Poem by Candice Christiansen, 2014) Can you relate to this internal fire? Can you feel it? Do you know the kind of pain, anger, sadness, shame that I speak of? Most people do. We all have experienced some thing or another that causes us to bleed with this type of emotion.

But what happens when the fire creates a heat outside of ourselves, and it impacts our surroundings, including our loved ones? Do we go down with the flames, run from it with a death scream, or do we stand in the fire?

Everyone of us has been fighting  an internal (and external at times) heated battle over the past month, maybe two; for some, they have been fighting much longer. But here is the real question:

Can you stand in the heat?

Can you face the dragon; can you stand before your "demons" and still be ok with yourself?

Most people might cringe at these questions, wanting to avoid facing this type of "heat" at any and all costs, saying, "It's much too painful. I will stay where it is comfortable." But is it REALLY? Which is harder, to feel the fire inside smoldering as it grows bigger by the day, or standing in the heat, taking full ownership of all of your burdens and learning to let them go?

Maybe that fire inside is a messenger; maybe it's purpose isn't one of malice but well intended. Can you listen to what it might be telling you?

What if the fire inside is telling you that it is time to treat yourself and your loved ones with kindness, compassion, respect? What if it is here to remind you to let go of all your resentments, hurt, anger and shame, and embrace the lessons that life has taught you?

What if you were able to cool the fire by changing the way you thought and felt about yourself, your world, your loved ones? What if you are that powerful?

You are.

As you come into the weekend, remember that you create your own reality. The fire can either be something to be feared, something to be conquered, or something to be admired.

Stand in it.  YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Last chance to sign up for my RSK Men's Workshop where we will spend most of the day focusing on how to have better intimacy, connection, and healthier sexuality in your intimate relationship. This workshop is SO worth it! email me: namasteadvice@gmail.com today!

Hold On: How to Stay Attached When You Want to Run and Hide

(Information on attachment is from the book: Attached.: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find -and Keep- Love. Levine, A. , Heller, R. (2010). Penguin Group. NY: NY.). There is something in the universe lately that is causing a lot of inner and outer chaos. Some might say it is the seasons changing while others are convinced that it is something in the universe (ever hear of Mercury in Retrograde?). While others may say it is a mere coincidence that we are all struggling right now.

Whatever it is, it is causing a lot of people to want to run away from their lives. I can relate to this feeling and have heard numerous clients both this week and last say they feel overwhelmed with what is in front of them.

Life just feels like too much.

So how do we stay in this game we call "Life" without losing our minds? How do we avoid our tendency to run from it, to hide under the nearest rock and wait for life to pass?

We must be bold, brave, and have courage now more than ever. We are stronger than we think to overcome this universal challenge that is causing all of us to want to scream as we go to the nearest exit.

This may sound counter-intuitive to what you want to do right now (scream and run), but the best thing you can do is lean in to the ones you love be it your spouse, children, closest friends, sponsor, group, andtreatment network. By "lean in" I mean  attach, connect, bond.

Research consistently shows that once we become attached to someone, we form one physiological unit. Our partner "regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities"(p.26).

When two people form an intimate relationship, they actually will regulate each other's emotional and psychological well-being (p. 27).

I realize that just knowing this may not be enough for you especially if you are used to running and hiding (folks with sexual-and other-addictions often have a very hard time leaning in and being vulnerable to loved ones). But what if you absolutely need to do this right now as part of your own recovery, survival, existence? What if you can't go this one alone? Can you let yourself attach, connect, bond to those closest to you? Can you let yourself be held, guided, loved, and honored?

Whether or not you want to take the risk and attach, now more than ever is the time to lean in. We can't go this one alone. We never could. We need others to heal.

So as you go into the weekend, see how you can connect with those you love and care about from an honest, vulnerable space.

Let love in. You deserve it, and so do the ones you love.

In case you forgot, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Namasté,

Candice

ONLY TWO SEATS LEFT! Learn how to have a Positive Sexual Focus, How to stay in a Recovery Cycle, How to fine tune your boundaries and set lasting recovery goals? Join Candice Oct 25th for the Men's Recovery Start Kit-90 Day Prep Workshop and take your recovery to the next level! Email Candice: namasteadvice@gmail.com for details!

Just Show Up. You Can Do It!

Scared people hide; they avoid, run, and leave when the going gets tough. Angry people argue, mostly with themselves secretly when the rest of the world is sleeping. But their venom seeps out into the world via words, in writing, and with body language. Shameful people hide behind fear and anger, outwardly blaming everyone else for their problems, while inwardly believing that they are worthless and unloveable. The reality is that we are all transparent.

The masks we wear are illusory because people can see what is really going on underneath including our deceptions, secrets, and lifelong betrayals.  Yet, we often like to think that we are "covering up" what is really going on.

In the 15 years that I have been working with people in various clinical capacities, I have become finely attuned to non-verbal and verbal cues related to what is really going on with someone. Often, especially early on in intimacy disorder treatment (the first 1-15 months), what is said vs. what is unsaid (the truth behind the words) is highly contradictory.

Passive aggressive language and tone seeps into conversations as well as teenage responses to typical discussions. If someone who can't show up for themselves is called out for their destructive language and behavior, they will argue, lie, blame others, and throw people under the destructive bus they are driving.

Avoiding, running, arguing, fighting, and/or getting defensive, is another way that your "addict/avoidant/critical parent" self keeps the real you at bay.

This part of you "thinks" it is protecting you, similar to when it showed up for you as a teen to help you escape the pain of your world back then. However, at this stage in your life, it is a liability.

Showing up for ourselves is half the battle.

What would it look like to emotionally and physically arise to your own occasion, for YOU?

How might you feel if you took one day and lived YOUR LIFE the way you deserve to live it ~Being someone in FULL Recovery, with integrity, honesty, fidelity; being trusting, loving, a true definition of a MAN or a WOMAN, the best you can be, etc.?

Ask yourself why you have not been 100% showing up for yourself. Is it FEAR? What are you afraid of? If you have an addiction, know that your "vice" is just a symptom of a deeper unresolved issue, typically from trauma from childhood (note: trauma is relative to the person's experience).

Ask yourself: "What will it take to SHOW UP and to KEEP COMING BACK to who I truly am?"

It takes Courage.

How do you get courage? You practice showing up for yourself even when you don't want to. You sit in your discomfort, asking yourself why you feel how you feel. You ask people you trust for support when you are feeling scared, defended, and vulnerable. You let yourself trust the process even if you have no control over the reigns. You get honest with yourself and others, AT ALL COSTS.

You ask for help.

We all need help sometimes. Today, show up for yourself. Make that hard phone call, or have that difficult conversation you have wanted to have but have been too scared to follow through with. Attend a group or meeting you have desperately needed but have been terrified to go to. Go to that appointment that you have been avoiding due to a lack of wanting to be accountable.

YOU CAN DO IT! It takes literally ONE step at a time, but you can and will get there!

In case you forgot, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Namasté,

Candice

**NOTE: Want to learn how to have a Positive Sexual Focus, How to stay in a Recovery Cycle, How to fine tune your boundaries and set lasting recovery goals? Join Candice Oct 25th for the Recovery Start Kit-90 Day Prep Workshop and take your recovery to the next level! Email Candice at namasteadvice@gmail.com for details!

Recovery Is About Seeing Yourself For Who You Truly Are...

Have you ever been lost? Lost in thought, lost while driving, lost in terms of goals and direction in life? Or just plain lost in general? Do you recall what that felt like?

Was it a good feeling or was it  uncomfortable? Did it cause you to want to control your outcome, or surrender to the unknown?

Sometimes getting lost can be a good thing even if at first it feels scary.

For those with an addiction, they often get lost in their addictive behavior, whether it be an addiction to substances, sex, relationships, love, money, gambling, food, work, or all of the above.

Most people with an addiction literally lose themselves in a false identity where they live two separate lives, repeatedly using their unhealthy coping skill to the point that they create a fantasy world.
This often results in broken relationships, losing one's job, having financial consequences, and hurting those closest to them (children, partners, other family members), among other things.

When someone comes to Namaste Center for Healing for recovery from an intimacy disorder or other addiction, I often ask them, "Who are you?" The response I usually get is "Who are you?" which makes me chuckle because that is the typical addict; challenging and defensive, right? When they get serious, however, their answer is, "I don't know."

Sex addicts (and all addicts really) get lost early on in life, usually in early childhood where they have learned to cope by creating a double life. Many were day dreamers as kids because life was too painful.  Getting "lost" in porn, substances, fantasy, etc was a survival skill when they were young; however, as they have gotten older, these survival skills have ended up being costly on multiple levels and dangerous (even deadly).

Once an individual enters treatment and starts to experience sobriety, they begin to see a path that gives them a glimpse, sometimes a bright flashing sign, of who they truly. They see that they are

Intuitive, sensitive, insightful, pure, loving, kind, bright and innocent

They realize that they merely lost their way early on and have needed someone to guide them out of the darkness. They have wandered along a dark path for too long feeling scared of being hurt, fearing rejection, and avoiding vulnerability. They've been scared to ask for what they need for fear of it not being met; some don't have any idea what they need because they learned early on to not have needs.

So in recovery, we remind folks of who they truly are, which is NOT their addiction. If we are treating the partner of a sex addict who has also gotten lost by the ravages of their loved one's addiction, we help them light their path too so that they  can also find their way and who they truly are.

Today, notice all the ways you are finding your way in your recovery. Instead of focusing on the ways you may have gotten lost this week, really look at the ways you are finding yourself. See if you can SEE yourself for who you truly are.

Know that I see you and you are WORTH it.

Namasté,

Candice NOTE: SIGN UP TODAY ! Recovery Start Kit Day long intensive, Saturday Oct 25th  for men.  2 SEATS left. If you are struggling in your recovery this is a great intensive for you to get back on track!! Email me for details on cost, time,the Recovery Start Kit, etc.

It isn’t so….What you thought was real isn’t, and that is a good thing.

Addicts lie. They cheat. They steal...time, money, energy, love, and trust. They deceive and betray. They hurt to the point where you can't fathom why you love them. But you do. You keep going back. Or you stay and put up with their crazy games. "Why do you put up with it?" People ask you. You try to explain your answers, justify your reasoning, rationalize half-truths. All for the sake of keeping what you thought was real alive.

But what is real?

A relationship with an addict is never real. It is based on delusion, and it is a delusion that rests on the false premise that they can keep their "dirty little secrets" hidden from the world.

But it never happens. It never is obtained, this double life, as someone always finds out. There is always a catalyst to cause a huge shift. Whether it be an ultimatum, criminal charges, an affair partner that comes forward, receipts from a "massage" parlor, money gone missing, or something else.

Shift inevitably happens.

Why is this? Why is it that there is a shift? Is it that the addict comes to his/her senses and wants change? Or is it based on fear of loss of a loved one(s)? Or both?

Usually there is an external factor that causes a shift to where the addict will reach out for help. In reality, deep down, sometimes in the addict's subconscious, they really want help. They hate the life they are living and want to connect with who they truly are.

Hence, why so many start treatment. For the first year you may feel like your partner (the addict) is making zero progress. You may be thinking, "He/she continues to lapse and relapse so therapy must be a waste."

But in reality, a whole lot of change is taking place. Changes that you may not be able to see, but that are real and lasting. I am talking about~

Brain changes.

An addict's brain literally begins to create new neural pathways through repetition of task-based assignments, discussions, trauma therapy, Mindfulness Techniques, and EMDR therapy.

Here is the thing: Who a person truly is has nothing to do with their addiction! Who you fell in love with has a PART of them that we call the addict. Yes the relationship may have been created with the addiction at play, but somewhere inside of you, you were drawn to the spirit of the person you fell in love with.

We all have parts; a vulnerable child, a protective addict or anorexic (or both) and a functional self (note: some people have several parts that developed to help them survive). For someone with addiction,  who they really are, their functional self, has gotten lost in the identity of the addict. However, even though they wear the addict's mask, they are NOT the addict.

This is why we know that sex addiction is a dissociative disorder as well as a disorder that oftentimes  results from complex trauma. The addict part of the person forms typically around 12-16 years of age to protect that vulnerable inner child part (who is usually 5-8 years old) from being harmed. Partners might say,

It isn't so!

But this is the case. When an addict enters therapy, he/she and their partner's world feels like it is turned even more upside down than it was. This is because for the very first time you are seeing your spouse without their addiction. So they literally might begin to look different, sound different, and start to act different. THEY ARE DIFFERENT. They are changing.

As the addict starts to learn new coping skills and begins to change, you realize that what you thought was real in your life with them before was not. Most of it was a delusion caused by the addiction and an attempt to cope with it. However, in recovery, you both get to cultivate a new relationship based on the Core Values Of Sexual (and other) Recovery~honesty/accountability, vulnerability, nurturing, healthy intimacy.

Your reality gets to be redefined by both of you (if you choose) with the support of seasoned therapists and with a lot of structure, education, patience (lots of patience), and guidance.

And soon, one day, the lies, deception, etc. will fade into the distance, and you both will embrace the light that has come out of the addict's darkness.

Remember, You are WORTH it!

Namasté,

Candice

NOTE: SIGN UP TODAY ! I am offering a gender specific Recovery Start Kit Workshop on Saturday Oct 18 (women) and Saturday Oct 25th (men). Explore the Soul Window, Positive Sexual Focus, and more!! Email me for details on cost, time,the Recovery Start Kit, etc.