Moving Into Unknown Spaces

Did you ever think you would end up here? Like this? Right now? Are you wondering what exactly am I talking about? You know.

That place where everything you thought you knew now feels really foreign? Your world and everyone in it seems different? At times you feel so alone you can hardly stand breathing?

Well, breathe. Your world is not going to end. It may feel like it is, but I assure you that the unknown space that you are moving into is on purpose; it is absolutely for a reason. How do I know? I have been there many  times. Many.The space I am talking about might be an internal shifting going on inside of you, or it may be an unknown space that you and your spouse have moved into emotionally or physically, sexually. Or,  all of the above.

Whatever the space may be, it is a good thing, I promise.We absolutely cannot move into our "genius" by staying small and in known and familiar territory.

Each of us must take that grand leap of faith to risk, let go, ask for, tell, say it, jump off, dive in, create, make, recover (RECOVER!). I guess it's a choice, really. You don't have to do anything. But I know that if any of us are to grow, we each MUST move into the unknown spaces that we tend to avoid. If you really want to shift, grow, RECOVER, and heal, you have to move into uncertainty; into the unknown spaces within and without that you have been avoiding.

Take a minute and ask yourself if, when, and why you avoid looking within~ at your own stuff? Why not just go there? Look at what needs to happen; what YOU need to change. What about your life needs to transform or transition?

Stop Blaming Others For Your Unhappiness.

Can you find peace in knowing that everything will be ok no matter what the outcome may be?  Can you stay grounded in your stretching and growing?  Of course you can!  Breathe. Go for a walk, or run, or hike. Journal. GO INWARD. There you will find a sense of quiet as your mind lands solidly on the ground.

You will be reminded that all is well always.

You are WORTH it.

Namasté (I honor the divine in you),

Candice

Equanimity

I know that I have talked about equanimity before in my weekly meditations; however, it seems to be rather fitting to discuss this week, especially during what seems to be a rather trying time for a lot of folks. Equanimity entails "Calmness of mind, composure, and an ability to maintain neutrality, particularly in challenging situations." I recently pulled out another one of my favorite books called Buddha's Brain by R. Hansen and R. Mendius (2009). I love their chapter on Equanimity as they remind us of our ability (often with practice) to find space inside ourselves where we tap into neutrality, void of too much attachment or too much aversion.

I've also been listening to Dr. Patrick Carnes' 40-Day Focus Cd lately (from Carnes' Recovery Start Kit for individuals recovery from intimacy disorders).  He describes an addict's denial and how deceptive the addicts' voice is in trying to sway an individual to act out in self destructive ways.

"The addict" part of a person is often addicted to drama, attaching to chaos and untruths in every moment. They keep the individual swimming in deceit and confusion.

I know when I am sitting in front of a client whose addict is present because they are completely void of equanimity. They argue, blame, manipulate, defend their position, and are closed off to feedback.They attach to fighting what is the losing battle of addiction in an attempt to find their way. This obviously hasn't worked for them, thus their true self has sought treatment seeking answers.

Is this you? Can you relate to this inner struggle between who you truly are in your functional self~ that part of you that is learning how to calmly, logically, and in a neutral way navigate your recovery~verses the addict part of you that creates internal chaos and confusion inside of you, attaching to assumptions and lies with the goal of keeping you sick?

How is it possible to gain equanimity when there feels like a constant internal battle going on inside your head? First it is important to acknowledge who is talking….

Is it you as a functional whole-hearted person, or is it your addict, or vulnerable child? Remember that the vulnerable part of you will feel small, scared and timid. Or is it your addict who wants to argue, make demands, control others, manipulate situations, and blame people?

Write down what you hear inside your head. You would be amazed at the internal dialogue once you put it on paper. I have clients who have said (in relation to their addict talking), "I can't believe I even thought or said that!"

Next, see if you can observe the observer, meaning see if you can step outside of yourself (while not dissociating) and observe your thinking. This may sound strange; however, it is a tried and true technique for noticing yourself from a more neutral and objective place. JUST NOTICE.  See if you can identify why you are attaching to chaos or drama in reality or in your head.

Finally, see if you can move into a neutral place with how you see a certain situation, person, or loved one.  Can you remove the emotional attachment from the experience altogether? Can you breathe into a space of calm while noticing your surroundings from an internally quiet place?

With practice and in time what you will start to notice as you come from a place of equanimity is that you are less reactive to day-to-day events, people, places, situations, and things. You will gain clarity as to when something is your issue and when it is not. You will find a consistent place of peace and calm, even in the midst of chaos.

Doesn't that sound like the kind of life we all deserve to live in?

Remember, You are worth it in All Ways, Always!

Namasté (I honor the divine in you),

Candice

Release Resentment

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"~Carrie Fisher Have you ever felt like you were an object of a boundary violation, or wronged by another, or treated as though you were worthless? All of these are examples of valid reasons why you may carry a resentment towards another person. After all, anger calls attention to harm that has been done. However, what if you hold resentment towards another, say your partner or ex partner(s) for things that happened years ago? Does that help you in this present moment? Does it work for you to hang onto something that your partner, past or present, may not even recall or think about? Who is it serving?

Resentment makes us physically and emotionally sick; it exhausts our inner resources to replenish and rejuvenate. It strips us of our creativity and rips a deep hole in our heart that wastes our precious life-force. It is not worth it. In recovery, we work on releasing resentments. We write them out, marinate in them for awhile, then tell someone or many. Then, every day, we review where we have wronged others and where we feel we have been wronged and relieve ourselves of our pains; our resentments. Ask yourself this: Am I drinking the poison of another's words or actions and waiting for them to be the ones that suffer?

Chances are, you are doing this very thing. You are holding onto resentment and YOU are the one that is suffering, all the while thinking at some point they will "get theirs." That is not going to happen. What is going to happen is that you are going to waste your precious time and energy (emotional, physical, spiritual) and end up making yourself sick.

The best thing you can do is let go of your resentment. This does not mean that you condone another's behavior or avoid acknowledging that you have been "wronged".What it does mean is that you don't hold onto your pain or the pain of another any longer. You free yourself up to be open to love.

You free yourself to SELF LOVE.

Check in with yourself for a moment and ask: How does it serve me to be angry? Who is benefitting from my anger? Is my health? My partner (past or present)? My children? Then ask:  Who is suffering?

I will tell you from experience: EVERYONE, especially YOU. 

Here is a tried and true tool for relieving resentments:

~WRITE THEM DOWN~

Write your resentments in a journey every single day, morning and night; the middle of the day if need be. Write down all your anger, resentment, pain, shame, hurt, sadness. Get it out! What you will start to notice is that you feel lighter, brighter, freer to love. You will lighten up, laugh more; you will not take things so seriously or personally.

I have started doing The Artists Way by Julia Cameron and am journalling every morning and night. It has freed my heart, mind, spirit, and soul in all areas.  Purging on paper is the best way to release resentment and open up to LOVE; love of self and other.

If you choose, you can share your resentments. The caveat is that if you share, please do so with loving-kindness and with a safe person. It may not be appropriate to share it with the person you resent.  And, too often, people share their resentments with others in mean-spirited and hateful ways, which will not help you. It will only keep you in a space of feeling small.

So, start today. Write down your resentments. Let loose on paper. This will create new space in your mind and heart to be open to the love you deserve.

NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Openness

We grow up in a world that teaches us at a very young age that our surroundings are unsafe and to be cautious with whom we open up. The consequence of this is that we miss out on fully sharing our hearts; ourselves. Based on our upbringing, the beliefs we form, and the stories we make up about ourselves and others, we then attempt to be in a relationship with another person.

All-too-often, this is a set up for failure because we see our loved one through the clouded lens of where we came from; often times from Shame ("I am not good enough, not worthy, etc). If we aren't willing to see it for what it is, we will blame it on the other person for "never loving me the way I deserve", all the while pushing them further away.

This shame-based existence allows for addiction to rent space in our lives. After all, the addict says, "I am here to take care of you, to take away your pain, to make you feel better….come, join me in this wonderful escape."

While illusive in nature, the addict feels for a short while like it is truth; a reprieve. So we bask in it; we obsess about it. Whether we are addicted to food, sex, sugar, video games, spending, love. It often can become our relational "currency" with our partner, which sadly, replaces intimacy.

At some point, courage steps in to give us recovery, a large part of which is Openness.

Healing begins when one can set down their addiction sword and wave the white flag that exudes inner peace. Here's the reality of your situation: You have a lot to lose by staying tied up in your old ways of thinking, your out-dated stories from childhood, and your shaming beliefs.

No one can save you but yourself. You have to be the one that takes the necessary steps to heal yourself and your relationship(s). You can continue to hide, but life will find you. It's not too late. There is time. Reach out to those you love and trust (or once trusted), and say what you need to say. Open yourself up to receiving their feedback  as well, void of the old stories of shaming yourself for what is said. Remember, you are not your feedback and it is just that: feedback.

Then, take an inventory of what it is that you want and need at this time in your life. Do you want to continue to close yourself off to healing yourself and your relationships, by fighting a war that is destined to have emotional fatalities??

Reclaim openness. Find that quiet space inside you that is all knowing and listen to that voice for guidance.  Let yourself go into the unknown of your healing, of recovery. Ask for help, and for feedback from loved ones….then do what your ego has wanted you to avoid~

Accept it.

You are changing continually, and life is "life-ing" non-stop. The best thing you can do is open your arms to it and be ready for your own transformation.  It is happening as we speak...

Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Are you Projecting onto Others?

Do you ever find yourself blaming, judging, pointing the finger, or displacing your thoughts, feelings and actions onto another person? In a clinical sense, we call this transference. In a general sense, this is called projection. The fascinating thing about projection is that our minds tie things together by association. We may non-consciously associate something someone says or does with a memory of something our mother, father, siblings, peers, or someone else said or did to us when we were a child or teenager.

This can be as seemingly forgettable as our siblings or peers teasing or picking on us when we were younger, or as overt and visceral as physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse incurred at the hands of another. Whatever the case may be, we are often operating off of projections and NOT reality.The challenge then becomes the false stories we create around other people based on our inability to SEE them for who they truly are. If we only see them based on the associations we have with people in our past, then we are still living there!  

I have the privilege of seeing people for who they really are in therapy. Sometimes,  I only get glimpses of their authentic selves  because they show up as their addict-self, their vulnerable child, or their avoidant protector.

However, I know when their authentic (functional) self shows up because they are open, honest, accountable, vulnerable, connected, and in tune with reality. Their walls come down and they let their hearts open. They are not projecting onto me or another person; they are fully accountable in the present moment. 

Take a moment and ask yourself when you project your stuff onto other people? We all do it so the best thing you can do is own that you do it as well. Being accountable for our own stuff can actually be really freeing. We take responsibility for our side of the street; that is all. Nothing more. 

If you project a lot, you will have a tendency to do the following (adapted from D. Chopra's The Path to Love, 1997, p. 121) :

1. Finish people's sentences for them

2. Get defensive even before you are accused

3. Use verbal formulas like "She is the type of person who…"

4. Ask someone's opinion then get angry at them for it

5. Struggle to read other people's faces, and  assume you know how they feel

6. Frequently feel misunderstood

7. Take things TOO personally

8. See authority figures facial expressions and actions as a threat even when there is no justified reason

9. Believe that when your partner looks at another person (male or female) that sexual interest is being shown. You feel jealous as a result.

10. You have extreme likes or dislikes for people you hardly know.

The way to resolve this? ACCEPTANCE.

• Accept yourself for having imperfections,and accept others' imperfections as well
• Forgive your shame
• Learn to love your flaws
• Love your perfect imperfections.

We cannot love another  completely without fully loving ourselves. If you struggle with this statement (especially if you have children), look at your projection.

Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice