Are you in love with a narcissist but find that you often struggle with their lack of empathy towards you, need for attention, and inflated sense of importance? Narcissists are typically engaging, charismatic, seductive, and exciting, especially in the beginning of your relationship. After some time, however, and especially if you “out shine” them, they will exhibit the following:

• an inflated sense of importance at your expense

• a deep need for excessive attention and admiration

• lack of empathy for others

• Interpersonally exploitive behavior

• Arrogant behavior

• Exaggerate achievements and talents

• Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate

• Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people

• Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior

• Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations

• Take advantage of others to get what they want

All guest bloggers’ opinions, thoughts and feelings are their own.

“When a high-profile U.K. television dating programme approached me out of the blue in March 2018, my initial thought was that it could potentially boost my working profile rather than help me find love. However, I went along with the process and was filmed for six weeks in various locations in my life in North East Wales during June/July 2018.

It didn’t work out in the end and the show didn’t go to air as the show’s hierarchy thought that hadn’t shown myself to be “autistic enough”. Also, there was a significant age gap with the girl selected was much younger than myself.

Nonetheless, after this “experience”, and much cajoling from one of my close mates, I believed that I had the impetus to join online dating. It seemed to be the social norm these days for couples to meet in this way rather than what would have been my preferred old-fashioned.

We live in an unprecedented time where the fear of disease (e.g., COVID) is at an all time high. Sadly, and ironically, chronic stress and anxiety taxes our autonomic nervous system, breaking down our body’s ability to fight disease. This is the same for covert and overt trauma which can include (this is not an exhaustive list): chronic childhood neglect, chronic shame throughout one’s lifetime, overt abuse of any kind (e.g., domestic abuse, sexual abuse), living in war or a war-torn environment, witnessing others suffer, betrayal trauma. As a result of chronic stress and trauma on our autonomic nervous system, we are more susceptible to health problems such as migraine headaches, seizures, gastrointenstinal issues, inflammation, and autoimmune diseases (e.g., arthritis, celiac, multiple sclerosis, Graves’ disease).

Our Autonomic Nervous System

Indeed the connection between trauma and health is a complex one, specifically because we have so much to still learn about our bodies. One aspect of our body that has gained a lot of attention in the last decade is the vagus nerve which has been considered to be a potential “off switch” for disease. The vagus nerve extends from the brainstem down into your stomach and intestines, through your heart and lungs, and connecting your throat and facial muscles. The nerve fibers that exist throughout your stomach and intestines are referred to as the enteric brain (second brain). The vagus nerve is a key player in the mind-body connection as it is behind our gut instinct. Through his Polyvagal Theory, Dr. Stephen Porges has proposed that there are three evolutionary stages of the vagus nerve that impact the regulation or dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system. Learning to be aware of, understand, and befriend these aspects of our autonomic nervous system can result in lasting mental and physical wellness.

As the world gets used to living with our faces covered by masks to prevent the spread of COVID-19, we also feel distant and separate from one another in more ways than one. We hear people describe feeling depressed, anxious, isolated and alone now more than ever. Many don’t see an end in sight. For those people who are in intimate relationships, the pressure stay connected with their loved one let alone deal with all the other added pressure (potential for unemployment, financial stress, mental health issues, physical illness, homelessness, children having different school schedules) can feel completely overwhelming.

But what if you are single during the holidays and Pandemic where going places wearing a mask doesn’t really lend itself to meeting new people? Better yet, what if you have severe anxiety or other mental health issues, are autistic, have ADHD, or have a history of being in toxic relationships? How are you supposed to date in a semi-constructive and “healthy” fashion?

Here are some helpful tips to consider when online dating:

This morning I awoke feeling extra anxious and sad. As an autistic female, I normally feel a low level of anxiety which I typically manage well with pilates, yoga, meditation and proprioceptive solutions (weighted blanket, weight lifting, and tapping), but this morning my stomach felt extra tense, I kept clenching my jaw, and my heart felt incredibly heavy. Everything was annoying me. My husband and I got our coffee and tea and sat down for our morning meditation. We have various boxes of wisdom cards and this morning I chose from the late yet still fabulous original guru Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Mind” card deck. The card I pulled was “Let Go.” The message had to do with surrendering-a hard one for me to do as it is (an autistic trait that I struggle often with is rigidity- lack of flexibility) but especially right now with such scary and unknown times. Still, I decided that my morning meditation would focus on “letting go.”

We began our meditation practice. Immediately my mind said, “Nope-this is not happening,” and it quickly took me to into a sea of distraction-thinking about work, considering upcoming web-based groups and webinars I wanted to facilitate for clients, the snow falling outside, my dog barking. “Come back. Let go” I reminded myself, in hopes that I could relax my stomach that I was unconsciously sucking in. “Nope” my mind said. I opened my eyes and looked at my husband.