This Blog is written by our full time therapist Annie Jacobs (edited by Candice Christiansen):
The question, “Am I polyamorous?” is one that at times we hear at Namasté Center for Healing when we are assessing people to determine if they have problematic sexual behavior including sexual addiction. I am here to offer you some clarity around this subject.

If you’re struggling with compulsive porn abuse,  having multiple affairs, or sexual acting out in other ways that are a secret outside of your relationship, the answer to the question, “Am I polyamorous?” is “no”. If you find yourself compulsively wanting to have sex at times when you are expected to be fulfilling other obligations (working, spending time with your spouse or children, etc.), the answer is “no”. If you find yourself wanting to have sex with multiple people, are indeed having sex with multiple people, and it is causing you and your primary relationship harm, the answer is still “no”.
 

As a recovering love addict, I am well aware of the reasons why we are told to hold off on getting in a relationship for at least one year when we first start recovery. The main one being that we need to work on ourselves and second to that is that the stress of another person (i.e., worrying about their needs, relying on them to meet our needs, etc) can cause us to continually relapse. 

Yet, there is another reason that I appreciate which is directly related to our brain. By now, we have all heard of dopamine, the "reward" chemical which gets released in the brain when we use substances, or experience infatuation, new relationships, and sex. The latter, sex, gives us the biggest spike of dopamine which often fuels our desire to experience increasing amounts of sex and love.

Victor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor. He was a courageous man who knew a lot about resiliency.

In his timeless book, A Man's Search For Meaning, he explains, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 

Choosing one's attitude in any set of circumstances can feel extremely difficult, especially when it comes to a traumatizing event. Finding the inner strength to overcome the emotional, physical, mental,  spiritual, religious, and sexual abuse one has endured can seem unbearable and insurmountable at times. Many find ways to escape in unhealthy ways (sex, food, spending, video games, dysfunctional relationships). 

So....You think you are a sex addict (or, you have a spouse or loved one who you believe is).  
You do some research and realize that you have the symptoms of sex addiction. For instance: 

• Unmanageability via seeking out sexual partners, sex with strangers, escorts, prostitutes, compulsive infidelity, strip clubs, porn, during times when you should be working, at family functions, studying for school, or enjoying time with your partner or children

• Preoccupation: Sex is all you think about all day long. The minute you wake up your trolling porn sites, seeking out people to hook up with, sex chatting

• You feel a high when you go into your ritual phase (i.e., seeking out your "sex drug")  similar to that of a cocaine addict seeking their next fix
• You feel excitement before and complete and utter despair after you act out, so much so that at times you consider killing yourself
• You seek riskier and riskier sexual highs (encounters, porn sites, etc) to achieve the same dopamine hit
• You can't stop. You have tried, you have white knuckled it, you have prayed about it, you have sworn to yourself, your spouse that you will never do it again. But You. Can't. Stop. The "sex drug" is too hard to kick

I am currently writing this from Maui where I am surrounded by the most natural vibrant beauty. Lush grass, gorgeous green palm trees, turquoise blue water, perfect flowers, and spectacular sunsets. It is truly magical all around me. 

Yet I, like so many people, struggle to embrace my own inner and outer beauty. While I have been here I have noticed my inner critic come out numerous times. She has been judging, berating, and hating on my inner spirit and my outer body as well as my whole being. At times I have felt completely rattled and ungrounded which has required me to be very intentional about grounding in my heart center. I share this because no matter who you are, how you are, what you do in your profession, or how "perfect" the world might see you, no one is exempt from the struggle for self acceptance.