I once had a colleague, a sex therapist, challenge me for explaining to him that in my work with clients we address the underlying issues that lead someone to cope maladaptively via sexual acting out. He didn't understand how exactly underlying issues could cause someone to act out sexually in maladaptive ways. I explained that adverse childhood experiences (ACE) including trauma and neglect, attachment failure, and hame can impact a person to where they cope in various ways. One way is through sex or sexual experiences that the person describes as causing distress in multiple areas of their life. Other ways include: abusing substances, food, spending, gaming, (for some, all of the above); or the opposite, deprivation/avoidance strategies.
We receive emails and calls on a daily basis from men and women describing various issues in their intimate relationships: Infidelity, sex/pornography addiction, low libido, sexual incompatibility, past trauma that is now impacting their intimate relationship, substance abuse issues that have created chaos in one's marriage; mental or physical illness that impacts the relationship connection. You name it!
Recently the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) came out with a declarative statement claiming that they; 1) “do not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and 2) does not find the sexual addiction training and treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge.
It seems like grief sneaks up on us during times when we least expect it. The overwhelming array of feelings attached can seem unbearable so what do we do? We avoid it altogether.
Take a moment, if you will, and ask yourself this: “Do I ever really make time to grieve over ANYTHING?” In American culture especially, we are encouraged to always appear as though our lives are perfect so much so that we have created a generation who is addicted to taking a dozen selfies of themselves every five minutes.While I poke fun at millennials, in all seriousness, they are simply mirroring our reality. Most of us hate dealing with grief. I know I do…
John and Julie Gottman are experts in researching what makes marriages last. They can determine whether or not a couple will stay married in just 15 minutes, with over 85% accuracy. Having researched over 3000 couples of various ages and sexuality over 32 years, they have studied various couples and have found what makes or breaks a relationship (Gottman, Making Marriage Work, 2006). They followed some couples for 20 years. Those who stayed married were called “masters” while those who got divorced or stayed together but were miserable were called the “disasters.” After following couples for fourteen years they were able to determine if and when a couple would get divorced (Gottman, audibles, 2006).
