John and Julie Gottman are experts in researching what makes marriages last. They can determine whether or not a couple will stay married in just 15 minutes, with over 85% accuracy. Having researched over 3000 couples of various ages and sexuality over 32 years, they have studied various couples and have found what makes or breaks a relationship (Gottman, Making Marriage Work, 2006). They followed some couples for 20 years. Those who stayed married were called “masters” while those who got divorced or stayed together but were miserable were called the “disasters.” After following couples for fourteen years they were able to determine if and when a couple would get divorced (Gottman, audibles, 2006).
Last week I had the honor of witnessing the best couples therapy session of my entire career. This beautiful, fragile couple who has had so much betrayal, devastation, and hurt, sat facing one another, both tearful and raw. The spouse who has the addictions expressed empathy, humility, tenderness, and compassion for the first time towards his partner, who has been through so much and was so tired. I sat quietly most of the session paying witness to this beautiful site as he talked softly to her, validating her pain, asking how he could support her, and listening to her concerns. It was something that as addiction specialists, we hope to witness with all of our couples.
One of the most challenging obstacles (and ultimately, opportunities) in recovery is for people to be 100% accountable for their actions, betrayals, lies, manipulations, decisions, and choices. Even after being in recovery for awhile, people often continue to struggle to be accountable; some tend to get in a cycle of perpetually blaming others for their actions.
I have always been afraid of water. One of my most terrifying memories of being in the water was when I was 10 years old at a water park with my mom, aunt and cousins. I almost drowned in the Tidal Wave. As I braced for impact, the waves pushed me into the darkness. My body tensed up and as I gulped down water in between gasping for air, I was convinced I would die. Luckily someone (I don't recall who) helped me to safety. For years I avoided the water; large bodies especially. I was never a good swimmer so getting in a pool let alone ocean was daunting even with a life jacket. I also avoided snorkeling as I felt claustrophobic and panicked, holding my body tight, waiting for the inevitable fear that my body had held onto for all those years; the fear that I would drown.
The picture in this week's blog, a beautiful rainbow, was taken from my hotel balcony the last day of my recent trip to Maui. Sadly, the image was too big to upload on my website. However, I was able to upload it on my regular blog; you can see the picture if you sign up to receive my blog (go to our home page on the top right to sign up). To me, the picture symbolizes the epitome of pleasure and what Hawaii represents: the spirit of Aloha. Many people don't understand what Aloha actually entails. My experience of Aloha in Maui paved the way for this week's blog post.
