Some note-able statistics: about 95% of all domestic violence victims are female. The majority of male victims are assaulted by other men. One third of American women and one quarter of women worldwide will experience domestic/dating violence in their lifetime. Having noted the above statistics, I believe it is critical to say that I have worked with several heterosexual male clients, who have been victims of domestic abuse at the hands, and/or words of their female partners. I have heard stories of men whose wives/ex-wives threaten to ruin their careers by crying domestic abuse/child abuse if their husbands/ex-husbands don’t do what they want. It has also been my experience that many men in American culture are taught to not report abuse for fear of public humiliation (i.e., "men can't be victims"). This is a tragedy. Both men and women can be victims of abuse that lasts far past a divorce or break up.
“As long as love is pleasure, it’s end-- a sad tapering off into indifference and inertia--is predictable” Deepak Chopra During my initial assessment with people who have substance abuse addictions, I often ask “If you take out the substance with which you are addicted, what is it that you truly crave?” A majority of the time I am met with the same response: “Love and Acceptance.”
My journey towards spiritual enlightenment has been quite an adventure. As a seeker, I have always been drawn to experiencing a deeply profound connection to my spirit, that part of me that mirrors God.
I have spent several years doing couples therapy with men and women and I have begun to notice a theme. The men in relationships are actually quite sensitive, naturally emotionally connected (some are quite insecure), and dance to the rhythm of their partner (they play off of their partner's emotions). I am also seeing more men who struggle with characteristics that resemble the over-used term: codependent. But are they too dependent, too needy? Or is this actually a natural state of interdependence that society has shunned in an effort to make men into unemotional, detached robots? Men, after all, have feelings too. Men deserve to experience love, to connect on a deeply intimate level and share affection beyond the sexual intimacy in the bedroom. Some women may struggle with a man that is connected to his emotions, open with his feelings and willing to share intimately. To these women, I would invite them to explore whatever stories they learned from childhood regarding men showing emotions (specifically stories related to their fathers).
I have always been told that relationships are "so much work." In the past, as a therapist I found myself repeating this statement, telling couples "This relationship will be the hardest job you will ever have" followed by "it will take daily nurturing to keep it alive." Sounds like a regimen from a doctor dealing with a survivor of a chronic illness; depressing to say the least. After years of self reflection and spiritual study, I am convinced that what makes relationships with anyone so challenging, and yet so incredibly beautiful, is that they are reflections of ourselves, both in our lightness (those positive qualities we want to exude) and in our darkness (those qualities about ourselves which we want to avoid/hide).
