Abuse vs. a Healthy Relationship? Knowing the Signs

Some note-able statistics: about 95% of all domestic violence victims are female. The majority of male victims are assaulted by other men. One third of American women and one quarter of women worldwide will experience domestic/dating violence in their lifetime. Having noted the above statistics, I believe it is critical to say that I have worked with several heterosexual male clients, who have been victims of domestic abuse at the hands, and/or words of their female partners. I have heard stories of men whose wives/ex-wives threaten to ruin their careers by crying domestic abuse/child abuse if their husbands/ex-husbands don’t do what they want. It has also been my experience that many men in American culture are taught to not report abuse for fear of public humiliation (i.e., "men can't be victims"). This is a tragedy. Both men and women can be victims of abuse that lasts far past a divorce or break up.

Examples of some mind games include the following:

1. He tells how committed he is to you, then consistently doesn't come home at night, only to get mad at you for questioning his choices.

2. He's overly jealous, blaming, and guilt-tripping of you if you take time for yourself or your friends.

3. She punishes you by withholding affection if you don't respond the way that she wants to her requests.

4. She gets pregnant to keep you with her.

5. He threatens to kill himself if you leave him.

Men and women will also sometimes use children as pawns to manipulate, punish, coerce, or abuse their partners. An example of this includes threatening to take the kids away or if couples are divorced, not allowing one partner to see the children if they don’t do what the other partner wants. Some exes will also punish the other parent if that person is in a new relationship. This typically stems from their own sense of abandonment, and self loathing.

Other signs of an unhealthy relationship include: Name calling, physical violence, intimidation, sexual exploitation, manipulation (with words, sex, money), threats, power and control, disrespect, dishonesty, infidelity, abuse of substances or vices (i.e., porn) that negatively impact the relationship.

If you find yourself dating someone who presents with subtle forms of jealousy, power and control issues, or insecurities that raise an eyebrow or give you anxiety butterflies in your stomach, beware!!

As I tell my clients: “run for the hills!”

In my opinion, the reason that people stay with someone that presents with concerning symptoms of abusive tendencies is because they believe that person will change, or that they can change them. The real reason for staying, I believe is that the potential victim (future victim) is working through their own his/her-stories of abuse (i.e., with parents, past partners).

If, in the unfortunate event that you are married or in a long-term committed relationship with someone who is abusive, there are ways to escape. Some useful tips to stay safe include:

1. Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799- SAFE (7233). 2. Safety Planning by doing the following:

--Knowing of four places you could go if you leave your home. --People who might help you if you left. --Think about people who will keep a bag for you. --Think about people who might lend you money. -- Make plans for your pets. --Keeping change for phone calls or get a cell phone. --Opening a separate bank account, credit card in your name. --Determining how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house, i.e., taking out the trash, walking the pet, going to the store. --Determining how to take your children safely. There are times when taking your children may put all of you in danger. --Putting together a bag of things you use daily. Hide it in a safe place.  

Although this article paints a pretty dismal picture of relationships, there are plenty of healthy relationships out there. There are plenty of healthy people as well. The keys to having and keeping a healthy relationship include: Honesty, Respect, Fidelity/Faithfulness, Open Communication, 8-10 non-sexual touches per day to support intimacy, Healthy sexual relationship where both parties feel respected in the bedroom, Trust, Equality and Equanimity, Healthy boundaries, Friendship, Both partners are committed to personal growth, Accountability, Freedom from addictions.

Relationships do not have to come with emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual price tags, or rather, body bag tags. Be mindful when choosing your partner. You deserve Queen-dome/King-dome.

Namaste

Craving Love: The Ultimate Addiction

“As long as love is pleasure, it’s end-- a sad tapering off into indifference and inertia--is predictable” Deepak Chopra During my initial assessment with people who have substance abuse addictions, I often ask “If you take out the substance with which you are addicted, what is it that you truly crave?” A majority of the time I am met with the same response: “Love and Acceptance.”

I have been told by many of my clients that they started using drugs, continually relapsed, and even overdosed as a result of feeling unloveable and unaccepted by their parents, partners, and peers. Why are these relationships so powerful in influencing people to continue to abuse a substance, or substances, that could ultimately lead to their demise?

It has been my experience in working in the field of addiction for nearly 10 years, that a primary reason for addiction and continued relapse is a person’s denial of who they truly are, that leads them down the path of addiction.

Many addicts I have worked with share stories of having the experience of feeling unworthy, not good enough, feeling unloveable, and/or of believing they are “bad, sick, and wrong” after living through some sort of trauma in their lives. I use the term trauma a bit loosely here, as my clients report varying degrees. For example, one client could not resolve the pain he felt from the divorce of his parents when he was very young, another client had been repeatedly sexually abused throughout her life; and another client had very wealthy parents who showed her love by giving her money minus any attention or affection.

I have listened to hundreds of stories of individuals, who in a desperate attempt to achieve a sense of love and acceptance, began a relationship with drugs. Similarly, I have spoken with individuals who found themselves using drugs with their partners as a means of maintaining their already dysfunctional relationship. I have also worked with sober individuals who became addicted to unhealthy relationships in an attempt to relieve their craving for their drug-of-choice. It is evident that addiction is often extremely complicated.

My goal in providing therapy for clients with substance abuse addiction is to assist them in learning how to love themselves first, starting with forgiving their past experiences (forgiveness being defined as “letting go”), and teaching them how to cultivate a nurturing relationship with themselves. This entails teaching them tools for embracing who they truly are: the parts which they have denied since childhood: the loving, precious, trusting, open, playful, honest person that resides within us all. I primarily use Guided Imagery, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness Therapy, and Positive Psychology to assist clients in fully experiencing themselves as separate from their addictions.

For sober individuals who are in addictive relationships, I offer individual and couples therapy to address the differences between a healthy relationship and one that is addictive, as well as teach healthy communication skills, appropriate boundary setting, and individuality vs. companionship (1 + 1 = 2).

Addiction is believed to be a lifelong disease, one in which physical cravings may subside at times but never fully cease. However, as has been shared in this article, I believe that the ultimate addiction for people is the desire to experience love. It is with self love that we are truly capable of healing ourselves, each other, and the planet. Namaste~

My Journey Within

Published in Elan Woman Magazine, May 2011 Issue By Candice Christiansen

My journey towards spiritual enlightenment has been quite an adventure. As a seeker, I have always been drawn to experiencing a deeply profound connection to my spirit, that part of me that mirrors God.

In my early 20s, I spent a majority of my free time exploring various types of Eastern philosophy and Indigenous Cultures as a means of connecting to God. I read numerous books by spiritual gurus, including Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, and Deepak Chopra; I attended various healing workshops and Native American ceremonies, walked labryinths in silent prayer, and practiced meditation and yoga.

The missing component during that time in my life, however, was spiritual and emotional maturity, the surrendering of my ego, and a committed daily practice. I was a crisis meditator to say the least, only calling on the divine when I felt desperate and out of control (i.e. when I was facing divorce, or struggling with losing my job). By the time I was in my mid-thirties, I had determined that based on the current results in my life, my approach to spiritual enlightenment was not working for me. I may have been a seeker, but I was looking in all the wrong places.

Then, in the fall of 2010, my life took an amazing turn. After a very stressful year professionally, I decided to take a break and get rejuvenated. I attended a Deepak Chopra event called Synchrodestiny: a 5-day spiritual retreat at the Chopra Center in Carlsbad, California.

Synchrodestiny significantly altered the course of my life. I had the honor of sitting with 100 other guests in an intimate setting with Deepak Chopra, listening to him share his humble wisdom about connecting to one’s spirit, the divine, and experiencing one’s pure potential on this earth by doing a special meditation.

During our five 30-minute daily meditations, I started to notice a pattern: I was being guided on a spiritual journey every time I closed my eyes and sat in silence. For the first time in my life, I felt at home with myself; I was no longer seeking my spiritual connection from the outside. I finally felt the profound internal connection to my spirit that I had always desired.

Upon returning home from California, I took Deepak’s challenge to meditate for 21 days. By 42 days of meditation, I saw my whole world shifting in the most incredible ways. In February of 2011, I returned to another event at the Chopra Center. This time I was invited with several other guests from Deepak’s Sages and Scientists Symposium to attend a private dinner party at his home with his family!

Today I inspire others by sharing the tools I have learned about finding inner peace and sustaining a divine connection. I offer my clients tools for finding their own daily spiritual practice through meditation, breath-work, present-moment exercises and guided imagery and yoga.

Having a spiritual connection is possible with patience, and consistent practice. Here are some simple tips:

1. Daily Meditation. Start with 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening (the intention is to practice a 30 minute total meditation twice daily). Meditation is about embracing any thoughts that arise and returning to a quiet state. An effective tool for quieting the mind is to silently repeat the universal sound “OM.”

2. Journaling: Writing our wishes, hopes, dreams, and desires allows our hearts and spirit to go wild with expression. Let your inner child speak!

3. Yoga Practice: Find a gentle practice to allow your body to release the beliefs that have become trapped in your body by gentle yoga movement 2 or more times per week with regular exercise. Our mind and body are truly connected.

4. Walking in Nature: Nature is alive and a part of the Divine. We can find answers by connecting daily to the earth’s elements.

5. Silence: We live in a world where noise has become the norm. Creating silence allows us to find our own answers. A powerful way to connect to the Divine.

Namaste~

A note about men.

I have spent several years doing couples therapy with men and women and I have begun to notice a theme. The men in relationships are actually quite sensitive, naturally emotionally connected (some are quite insecure), and dance to the rhythm of their partner (they play off of their partner's emotions). I am also seeing more men who struggle with characteristics that resemble the over-used term: codependent. But are they too dependent, too needy? Or is this actually a natural state of interdependence that society has shunned in an effort to make men into unemotional, detached robots? Men, after all, have feelings too. Men deserve to experience love, to connect on a deeply intimate level and share affection beyond the sexual intimacy in the bedroom. Some women may struggle with a man that is connected to his emotions, open with his feelings and willing to share intimately. To these women, I would invite them to explore whatever stories they learned from childhood regarding men showing emotions (specifically stories related to their fathers).

In my opinion, if men were allowed by our society to fully embrace what I believe is their innate connection to their emotions, and not be labeled or belittled as being less than a real man, a lot of relationships would look really different. I also wonder if certain addictions (sex, porn, substance abuse) might decrease in some way for men, if they were allowed to share who they are, connect with their emotions, and to be fully congruent with their truth. I do not believe that men are unemotional, detached, and inherently rough around the edges. They may be socialized to be this way, but I don't believe this is how they were born.

I recently encouraged a friend of mine to approach her partner in a new way. She and her husband have been having marital struggles for quite some time. After listening to her describe their recent interactions, I offered her some of my thoughts on relationships and men. Maybe her husband's self esteem is low because he feels disconnected from her emotionally? Maybe his love language (reference: Gary Chapman's book) isn't being acknowledged and therefore he feels rejected? Maybe she is not giving him any or enough appreciation, or 8-10 non-sexual touches to connect with him during the day (which by the way increases the chances of sexual intimacy)?

She admitted to not doing any of these things but instead criticizing him in front of the kids, ridiculing him in front of others, and consistently negatively reacting to his behavior. I suggested that she do some or all of these new techniques and notice what he does as a response. She said through tears "I bet he would cry." She thanked me for offering her this different insight into some possible ways her husband might be feeling, and admitted to having been stuck in a rigid notion of how she thought he was acting based on her own stories as a child (specifically watching her own parents negative interactions).

Moral of this blog: If you are in a relationship, be sensitive to your partner, and avoid getting stuck in the rigid gender roles that we each have been taught. Women can be strong, unemotional, detached at times, while men can be emotional, insecure, and needy. If we can embrace each other completely in relationship, maybe our divorce rates will begin to decrease, and longlasting intimacy will prevail.

That is my note about men.

Namaste~

What We See In Others Is Truly A Reflection

I have always been told that relationships are "so much work." In the past, as a therapist I found myself repeating this statement, telling couples "This relationship will be the hardest job you will ever have" followed by "it will take daily nurturing to keep it alive." Sounds like a regimen from a doctor dealing with a survivor of a chronic illness; depressing to say the least. After years of self reflection and spiritual study, I am convinced that what makes relationships with anyone so challenging, and yet so incredibly beautiful, is that they are reflections of ourselves, both in our lightness (those positive qualities we want to exude) and in our darkness (those qualities about ourselves which we want to avoid/hide).

Deepak Chopra says in The Path To Love (Three Rivers Press, 1997), "When romantic love is at it's height...delight in another person, the feeling that you have met a perfect being, is only a reflection of what you have suddenly remembered in yourself...Being infatuated means seeing another person [in spirit]"; as God, if you will. Wouldn't that be amazing?! To see ourselves as divine, in our perfection, as the bright shining lights that we truly are? How is it that we forget this re-membering of ourselves? Is it possible that based on our own B.S. (belief systems) and his/her-stories, that we turn our backs on our spirit, our God-like essence? Is it possible that instead of working through our B.S. we point our finger at our loved one(s) and blame them for most or all of our problems? Deepak asserts, "...the love you get is limited only by your ability to receive it"(The Path To Love, 1997).

I believe that no one can love anyone else more than they love themselves. Love must truly be found within; relationships are beautiful opportunities to take that journey inward. These days my beliefs about relationships are much different. I share with my clients that I believe relationships are the biggest gifts we could ever hope for, with the perfect teachers showing up to teach us about all aspects of ourselves, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. We attract people into our lives that will be the perfect people to teach us specific lessons, to help us master our wounds, and to embrace our light, ultimately with ease and grace. All of this is quite a beautiful reflection, if I do say so myself. Namaste~