Part 1 in a Series: "Sex: Eroticism Thrives in Unpredictability"

Over the past several months, I have been researching the topic of sex for a book that my colleague Meg and I are writing on non-contact sex crimes. Doing so has gotten me more interested in studying healthy sexuality.

Since so many of our clients come to us in distress about various intimacy issues, including partner betrayal, sexual addiction, pornography addiction, sexual/intimacy anorexia, we set a goal for our clients to be able to embrace healthy intimacy and sexuality, though to achieve this can seem like a long and arduous road.

While our focus at Namasté is to assist men and women in healing their relationship with themselves as well as their relationships with their loved ones (especially so that they may experience healthy intimacy and sexuality with their partner),  the topic of healthy sex and intimacy isn't fully addressed for awhile since so many come to us literally in crisis due to acting out behaviors, or having just found out about the betrayal.

At any rate, it is an important discussion to be had. Therefore, this blog is the first in a series of four where I will talk about healthy (relative these days, I realize) sex.

I am currently listening to the audio book mating in captivity by sex therapist Esther Perel. In it she explains that in her years of working with couples she has found time and time again that "Eroticism thrives in unpredictability" (2006). At first when I heard this statement I thought, "Of course eroticism thrives in unpredictability; I see it everyday with my clients who are male and female sex addicts." But as I continued to listen to Perel, I realized that she was referring to the typical eroticism experienced in all relationships, not just eroticism experienced in one's addiction. Although there are definitely similarities.

Perel explains that the more we attach to someone the more we have to lose. Therefore, she says that we do our best to seek out predictability in our relationships, often at the expense of passion, excitement, and the unpredictability in which eroticism thrives.

Think about the relationships you have been in; there was always a honeymoon phase where you felt lust and limerence towards your partner. You couldn't wait to see them, to spend every moment with them. You felt an immense amount of joy and laughter, ease and pleasure just at the mere sound of their voice. There was something especially sexy about not knowing everything about them; the mystery of getting to know them was indeed alluring.

Then what happens?  For many reading this, an addiction poisoned the relationship. The castle crumbled as the betrayal of porn, mistresses, chatrooms, strip clubs, drugs/alcohol, gambling, etc. all of the above, crept in.  However, perhaps other typical life events may have also occurred (especially if you are getting healthier in your recovery). For instance, maybe you moved in together, had children, experienced the physiological changes that come with aging, have increased stress, have too many deadlines and not enough time, have pent up resentment and anger, or  illness...

These are real issues that everyone will likely face at one point or another in their lives. Add to this our efforts to find the comfort of predictability that everyone ultimately wants and it literally has the capacity to drain the life out of the excitement, passion and edge that we felt at the onset of our relationship.

I have heard many couples say, "We have a great relationship, I feel so close to him/her, but we don't have sex." In a thorough assessment process, we may indeed find that their is trauma, betrayal, or physiological issues that are impeding the sexual part of the relationship. I used to discuss with couples the importance of being connected via intimacy (non-sexual, talking,etc.) outside the bedroom to be connected inside the bedroom. However, I am learning that there may be more to this for eroticism to occur longterm....

Perel asserts that, "Separateness is a precondition for connection.... Too much closeness can impede intimacy...[and] increased intimacy decreases desire."

Wait a minute....what? Too much closeness can impede intimacy? Increased intimacy actually decreases desire? For some, what Perel is saying may not be true. Intimacy may actually increase desire, sexual adventure, and eroticism within the relationship. I have worked with many couples who increased their level of connection and intimacy and their sex lives flourished. But what about the couples that have intimacy and closeness but struggle with eroticism, desire, and having sex?

What if there is something to this idea of needing some unpredictability and mystery in the relationship to maintain a healthy sense of sexual desire longterm?

For couples struggling with betrayal, predictability is elemental in re-establishing safety and trust in the relationship. After all, with the addiction came a hell of a lot of unpredictability, uncertainty, and crazy-making scenarios. But in general, outside of an addiction-filled relationship (or if you are in recovery), what if there is some truth to needing a bit of uncertainty to maintain the awe that was felt at the onset of the relationship? And if there is some truth to this, how do we rekindle the mystery?

As you begin your week, take some time and consider the following as you think about your current partner and relationship:

What caused you to fall in love with your current partner? What drew you to them? What did you notice? What about them lit you up inside? Why did you "pick" them to be your longterm love companion? What was it about them that was different from others you dated; that led you to choose them to be your partner longterm? What keeps you together? What would it look like to have some mystery in your current relationship? Can you create that in a healthy way? Do you really know everything about your partner (many think they do but don't)?  Have you taken the time to step back to watch your love companion at a family gathering, or listen to them talk to others and found yourself noticing how attractive, sexy, beautiful, or hot you feel they are? Have you taken a moment to see them outside of the predictable world you two live in and look at them with new eyes? From a different standpoint? 

If, as Perel argues, eroticism thrives in unpredictability, is it possible for you and your loved one to create some healthy mystery in your relationship to test out her assertion? If so, what might that look like?

Stay tuned for part two of our discussion of "Sex" in a series of four....

As always, precious ones, know that you are SO worth it.

Namasté,

Candice

*This blog is based on Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity (2006). 

Check out what's happening at Namasté~ 

JUNE 24TH PROFESSIONALS EVENT: Earn CEs: Email meg@namasteadvice.com for a flyer! Come listen to expert neurosurgeon Dr. Don Hilton talk about Porn Addiction as a Public Health Issue and how to talk to your clients about healthy sexuality.

JUNE 24th FREE COMMUNITY EVENT: Email meg@namasteadvice.com for a flyer and learn ways to protect your family from porn in a porn culture. Dr. Hilton will speak at this event as well; Fight the New Drug, Jackie Pack and I will do a panel discussion on healthy sexuality.

JULY 16, 17TH: Mastering the Trauma Wound Weekend Workshop with Candice and Cari. Come learn how trauma has impacted your brain and body, as well as simple mindfulness based tools for healing your mind, body and spirit!  Only seven seats available! RSVP (or for a flyer): candice@namasteadvice.com; cari@namasteadvice.com.

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Spring Cleaning: Getting Back to Basics in Recovery and Relationships

Springtime is supposed to be a time of renewal, a time of beautiful awakenings; a time of enlightening rebirth. The flowers begin to bloom, the trees and bushes begin to develop signs of new growth. A variety of birds chirp each morning awakening us to the newness of each day. The sky is mostly blue, the sun is mostly out; and amidst the sporadic rainstorms, we are enveloped by a cool and familiar breeze.

Everything around us feels fresh.

 Except our recovery ....

Why is that? Why is it that in the Springtime, folks' recovery tends to feel like it is in a rut, or takes some weird and unusual downward spiral, which often includes lapsing, "edging", or even a full blown relapse?

For one thing, emotions tend to be heightened in the Springtime. I recently visited my regular acupuncture place (Qiworkscommunityacupuncture.com-check it out it's fabulous) in Salt Lake City. My acupuncturist asked me if I was feeling angry. I was a bit bewildered by this as I didn't think I came across as such. I was also surprised by my response when I said matter of factly, "Why yes, yes I have felt really angry lately." She chuckled as she gently smiled and whispered, "Everyone seems to be angry right now. This is not a surprise, since anger is the emotion of Spring."

My mouth dropped in surprise. After all, I had always had a vision of Springtime being what I previously described (as a kid I added rainbows and unicorns to my Springtime fantasy). I thought Springtime was supposed to be about rebirth and renewal. Not anger.

But indeed, a lot of people enter Springtime with an anxious, irritable energy that ends up turning into anger, dis-ease (or literal disease), discomfort, sadness; for some, suicidality. A lot of folks struggle to deal with these challenging emotions; they don't have the healthy resources or support to process though them. Therefore, many people find themselves engulfed in various addictive behavior. This can entail abusing substances, abusing porn, over-spending, over-eating, over-exercising, checking out on social media, cheating, flirting with disaster, being addicted to chaos, working too much, all of the above.

A lot arises in the Spring. From a physical standpoint, and I learned this from both my acupuncturist and Namasté's very own Functional Medicine Practitioner Cari Junge, our bodies have built up toxins from the winter months. Therefore, in the Springtime (and Fall too) it is good to "cleanse"physically, but naturally we must cleanse mentally and emotionally as well. We release both emotionally and physically what no longer serves us. Hence why we do spring cleaning; often we do it literally in our households without realizing that our physical and emotional "house" needs to be cleansed too.

In our relationships, we tend to experience a weird type of springtimefunk too.  Especially in intimate relationships, we may notice that we bicker more than usual. Maybe it is over silly things or past issues, but tension abounds. Communication can seem challenging among our loved ones with a lot of misunderstanding. This may include some passive aggressive or even aggressive interactions. We may notice that we are irritated at small things that our partner does that typically don't matter so much; however, right now they drive us crazy. We may find ourselves searching for flaws in our relationship instead of cherishing the little things in our partner that made us grow to love them in the first place. Our sexual and non-sexual intimacy may decrease as well; sometimes it may feel almost awkward and we can't pinpoint why.

All of this is pretty typical in the Springtime. What is essential during this time is to pay attention to our reactions. Especially since typical or not, our responses to these challenging emotions and triggers may not be very healthy, leading many people to act out during the Spring.

Getting back to basics in one's recovery and healing is essential. This, above all, will help to improve one's mood as well as their relationships.

Getting back to basics entails the following:

• Review your successes in recovery and in your relationship. There are more successes than you may even realize! Notice the small wins as much as the big ones (i.e., we cooked dinner together and laughed tonight; I stayed sober one more day; I didn't over spend today; I came home on time from work). Reviewing/reflecting is best done by journalling. So many people balk at journalling, but I swear by it. Writing our thoughts down in the quiet of the morning or evening is truly healing. We get answers that we would never get if we didn't take time to get quiet and connect with our inner peace. Do it!
• Cleanse! Believe it or not, there are healthy cleanses out there. By physically cleansing, we give our emotional body an opportunity to cleanse too. I always had a view of cleansing being starvation or diet-related which I wasn't into until I met Cari and learned that cleansing truly can be healing to our bodies, cells, organs, etc (cari@namasteadvice.com). Best thing I have ever done to clear out the physical (and emotional) crud and feel fresh/new (a guided cleanse with a professional is recommended).
• Practice being present with your partner. Mindfulness often misunderstood. It doesn't only entail meditation; it entails being in the moment. We get so caught up with work/school/kid demands that we often get home and check out via t.v., social media, kids homework, staring at a wall. By taking time to connect with our partners, even if it is at the beginning of our day and the end of our night, keeps the foundation of our relationship solid.
• S.O.S. This means Skin on Skin, as my colleague, CSAT and relationship expert, author Pat Love, Ed. so poignantly explains. This is essential for staying connected in our love relationships. Non-sexual touching is so important in relationships. A kiss, a hug, a touch keeps us connected. After all, we are wired for connection; without it we literally die (attachment theory).
• For those who are in therapy for an addiction/aversion-getting back to basics means pulling out our basic tools and reviewing them. Review your cycle, and the interventions you have learned in treatment. Commit to self-intervening. Review your relapse scenarios and discuss it in therapy and group. Review your Personal Craziness Inventory and Boundaries List (Carnes, P., Facing the Shadows, 2015). Stay honest; when we talk about what is going on, we stay out of cycle! Re-commit yourself to do the basic things you did in the beginning of your recovery to get back on track. They work!

Springtime definitely brings up a lot for people, but it doesn't have to cause as much havoc as we historically have allowed. By tuning into our bodies, our minds, and our hearts, we make it easier to tune into our loved ones and those around us.

Sit. Stay. Heal. --Pema Chodron.... Beautiful, simple words for this glorious time of rebirth, renewal, re-awakening.

As always, precious ones, know that you are SO worth it.

Namasté,

Candice

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Copyright © Namaste Center for Healing 2016, All rights reserved.

Our mailing address is: candice@namasteadvice.co

The Truth About Love: What it Is and Is Not

There is a youtube video of famous real life artists Marina Abramovic and Ulay; two long lost lovers who reunite at her MomA Retrospective, "The Artist is Present" in NYC.  Her exhibit involves her sitting quietly for 700 plus hours looking into strangers eyes and connecting with them with feelings not words. Without her knowing, Ulay shows up and sits in front of her. What happens is exquisitely powerful.

 To see the clip, click on the following link: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAID_2iKO5Y

The love between these two individuals is palpable. Time stands still, even if only for a moment. And yet their connection is everlasting. There are no words, just a look and a touch... and love, which endures after many, many years.Similar to Marina and Ulay, many of us have experienced feeling this type of love; an everlasting sensation that withstands time and overcomes all hardships. It is a feeling of connecting to one's own spirit all the while connecting to our partner's. It is embracing our truest essence without any expectations. It is a humble sense of compassion for someone we hold dear to our hearts. It is a felt sense of affection in the deepest form.

While many of us can say that we have experienced love in this sense, others have shared wanting this type of love but never fully having it. They may crave it, feel lonely for it; they may yearn and long for it. But it has been outside of their reach. Still others may think they know what love is, but actually don't have the slightest idea.

We each define love differently based on our unique experiences with our primary attachment figures beginning at infancy (0-2 years of age to be exact). From there, we build on this idea of love throughout our lives. Based on various small or large "traumatic" events (everyone has trauma-shame, for example,  is traumatizing and we all have experienced shame) some people may define love as being able to withstand hardships, while others may define it as having the ability to see and be seen (vulnerability). Some might define it as sex, possession and/or control. Others may equate love with fear, hurt, and/or pain.  It all depends on our experiences with love. Love may be a way of coping with our past, or a way of escaping our present or future.

However we define love, it can either be a means of enhancing who we truly are or be cause for on-going confusion and suffering.  

We often seek to find love in another person, which makes sense since as humans we are wired for connection. Our first love in our earthly existence is towards our mothers, whom we shared intimate space for 9 months. We form our initial attachment to her at birth, and although we may not have attached securely, we still attached, sometimes clinging to a dream of having pure love returned to us.  Then we attempted to replicate this "love" whether it was healthy or not via other relationships, starting at a very young age. Humans are very creative and resilient beings in this regard.

Based on our life experiences, many of us learn the truth about love; what love is and what it is not.

What Love IS:

A Feeling of deep affection A humble sense of compassion for another Connection to your and another's true essence Being able to be vulnerable-trusting the ability to be seen- with an intimate partner A sense of surrender and agreeable compromise Big, expansive, global Healing Pure A universal feeling

What Love is NOT:

Love is not possession It is NOT jealousy It is NOT control It is NOT sex It is NOT anger (although we may feel angry at times while being in love) It is NOT hurting another or causing harm It is NOT abuse of any kind It is NOT  trauma bonding It is NOT fear based It is NOT small, constricting, or limiting It is NOT addiction or affliction

These are not exhaustive lists; however, they provide us with a general understanding of what love is and what it is not.

Many folks get addicted to love, to the feeling of being attached to someone at their own expense. We call this type of addicted love codependency for loved ones of individuals with substance abuse issues, or loveaddiction for folks with intimacy disorders. I define love addiction as codependency on steroids.

In reality, being addicted to love is about being addicted to catching, latching andattaching to someone. The person that gets addicted to loving another person is actually addicted to attaching to someone in order to relieve their deep-seated insecurities, loneliness, sadness, heartache, longing, and pain from childhood. The other person becomes their drug. This is not love. Addiction is not love.

So what is the point of exploring the truth about love? How might it help you in your everyday life?

Learning what love is and what love isn't is the first step in having an incredibly beautiful love affair with yourself. Yes, I said love affair.  It gives you an opportunity to re-parent yourself first so that you are able to love whole-heartedly in your intimate relationships. We can't truly love others if we don't know how to love ourselves. This may sound Cliché perhaps but it is true.

Having a love affair with yourself can be a truly healing experience, especially if you have spent your life running from yourself and your own healing. It begins with educating yourself on the origins of where you learned about love. It evolves into defining love based on your past, present and even future self. From there, you will begin to explore love in your daily life, talking with your loved ones about the idea of love, and practicing sharing and receiving love-all the while being open to being truly IN love;  In love with yourself, with your situation, with those around you, with life.

That is the beginning of an undying love-of self and others. That is the truth about love.

Always know that you are worth loving; you are worth all of it!

Candice

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Our mailing address is: candice@namasteadvice.com

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You Don't Have To Apologize...

Or, maybe you do.... There seems to be two types of people when it comes to apologizing; those who avoid accountability for their actions at all cost, all the while minimizing how they act and impact others. These types of folks tend to blame everyone and everything for their struggle regardless of whether or not they are the one's responsible. Then there are those people who apologize for other people's actions, thoughts, and feelings, regardless of whether or not they had any part in it. Some might call this type of apologizer a martyr; I avoid that label and believe this person more likely has an anxious attachment style and is insecure in their relationship with themself and others.

Which type of apologizer are you? Are you someone who struggles to take any accountability? Or, are you someone who takes on the entire load of responsibility for other people? If you are unsure about the former, you may want to ask your partner or loved ones for honest feedback. It may also serve your relationships to take a self inventory and accurately look at where you can and need to be more accountable in your life, especially if you tend to lose friendships and relationships based on this type of behavior.

Here is a little insight into the person who lacks the ability to apologize: Blamers tend to be shamers and while they have both of this internal dynamic going on, it still impacts those around them. People who blame others for everything often do so because of their own deep-seated self loathing and shame. They cannot fathom another person (especially someone they love and trust) calling them on something that deep down they know is true and in which they beat themselves up for daily.  So they put it back on the other person; this type of finger pointing is a defense mechanism and while it doesn't work in the long run it is indeed a maladaptive coping skill that seems to be on auto-repeat most of the time.

Many relationships have dynamics that involve an over-apologizer and an under-apologizer. This is particularly prevalent in addiction scenarios. One person in the relationship will have a primary issue that has caused significant damage to the relationship such as an addiction. The other person, the partner, is validly traumatized and angry, hurt, confused, sad, etc. After so long in recovery, however, oftentimes the addict, though they may be demonstrating lasting, consistent,  positive change and health on multiple levels, continues to take all the blame for everything going wrong currently in the relationship.This is not healthy and in fact can lead the relationship down another long and challenging road; if not cause it's demise (as it can cause damaging contempt). This is why it is essential for both individuals in a couple-ship to look at their styles of communication and coping, particularly since the relationship is a system with it's own cycles that involve adaptive and maladaptive response patterns.

It is important to acknowledge that it is common for individuals in their addiction(s) to use "I am sorry" as a form of  manipulation at times but also because they feel guilty for their behavior. An apology is often used and abused to the point where the partner doesn't believe the addict anymore and the word "sorry" invokes anger. Once the addict and partner enter recovery and the addict demonstrates consistent and lasting change in all areas of their life, the hope is that the partner can begin to trust the addict again, including an apology. It is also important to note that this type of apologizing is not just used in relationships where addiction is present.The typical relationship can entail a partner who uses and abuses apologies to the point where their partner resents them.

Some relationships entail a partner who over-apologizes and one who not only under-apologizes but doesn't accept the over-apologizer's apologies. This can add fuel to the fire for the over-apologizer causing them to feel resentful and resulting in them taking on the role of the under-apologizer; they stop apologizing for anything. Both parties in this case end up presenting as stubborn and entitled to their feelings, all the while waiting to see which one will "cave" with the first apology....not helpful in the relationship.

Many people learn this type of over/under apologizing behavior during their upbringing, and no matter how often people want to deny that their childhood (birth-18) impacted them as an adult, research continues to show that it does. We are not robots. We are sensitive human beings having a divine experience in this life. We learn, feel, sense, and respond based on what we see as around us when we are innocent children. Then we repeat it as best as we can as adults until someone teaches us otherwise.

This type of coping, under vs. over apologizing, is learned. It is not something we are born with; we watch our parents and other adults demonstrate it and we adopt certain behaviors based on what we see and experience. We also learn it throughout our lives as experiences are repeated and hurt and trauma gets embedded in our brains. For some, the entire experience of apologizing (saying or hearing it) can be traumatic, annoying, and angering based on past betrayal and hurt.

If we can put our egos aside and take a deeper look at the act of apologizing from a vulnerable, honest, and authentic space, it can be a really beautiful and healing experience for both people- not just for the apologizer but for the one receiving it. This takes work and practice on both parties in the relationship but is possible if both are willing to change and do the work.

For the over-apologizer, it is important to begin to only apologize for things that are yours. For the under-apologizer, it is important to look at why you under-apologize, how you can heal whatever is beneath your reasons, and explore ways that you too can be equally accountable in and for your relationship-since it takes the two of you in a relationship to either make it work or make it crumble.

Relationships with no accountability or too much accountability by one or the other person are destined for struggle. Maybe it is time for you to only own your part, or create more equanimity in your relationship(s) by owning what part IS yours.

Isn't it comforting to know that change is ALWAYS possible if we choose it and that we can really choose easier than we have been choosing?

Always important to remember, dear ones, that you are worth it!

In Kindness,

Candice

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Recovery Has No Finish Line

We are all recovering from something. The minute we are born we begin healing. Isn't that part of the divine experience? Let's face it, life can be really trying. It is filled with incredible obstacles and challenges, and regardless of whether or not we have an affliction or an addiction, the mere fact of being alive in the world means that we are going to need some reprieve at times.

But just as life hands us the hills and valleys, the ups and downs, it gives us an incredible gift: the gift of being on this amazing and individualized journey. A path to walk on where we feel completely alive simply by breathing in all the experiences of each and every day. Without the challenges we couldn't fully experience grace.

Interestingly, many of us get caught up in the illusion that there must be a beginning and an end, and it must be in sight at all times. We must push hard and compete with ourselves and others to reach some "end" goal because once we are there, life will be better.

But what if there is no end? What if we are on a continuous path of recovery that simply evolves, that at times gets lighter and easier, where our obstacles change and we feel uplifted and at ease? What if the very thing we are running towards is ourselves; our own healing? What if we are not running next to or against anyone but simply running our own beautiful and divine race--a race called life. This life that includes recovery.

Is it quite possible that the goal is to recover our true selves, and in that process, we continue to grow? That we never stop recovering who we truly are? Sometimes, as we grow, and as our light shines even brighter into the world, we may need to leave some people behind. We may leave behind those individuals who continue to stay stuck on their own path all the while trying to bring us down.

While we may continue to love these people, it is ok to continue our own beautiful evolution. We must continue on our own journey of recovery, regardless of other people's choices. And if there is no finish line in sight, we can have incredible hope. Hope that change is always possible, and that recovery is that beautiful endeavor taking flight.

As part of our journey, we must remember that we are all recovering from something.... if we can accept that this is a gift and an on-going journey that never ends, then in that moment of acceptance, we begin to heal.

As always, you are worth it.

With loving kindness,

Candice