Vulnerability: Your Birthplace

I started writing my blog this morning thinking that I could write about vulnerability from a space where I wouldn't have to be vulnerable. After I realized how impossible that would be for me, I laughed out loud at myself. I know that when I retreat to a space inside of me where I am surrounded by walls, my mind goes blank. I disconnect from my truth. I quickly decided that it is best to stay connected with my vulnerability as I write this week's recovery blog.

I have been listening to Brené Brown a lot lately about shame and vulnerability. If you don't know who Brené Brown is, go to youtube and watch her. She is the leading expert on shame resiliency in the country. One of her famous sayings is

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of everything we hunger for."(www.own.com)

So true, and yet we are taught from a very young age, via witnessing, sensing, hearing, and experiencing, that vulnerability is a weakness. It is dangerous. We will get hurt if we are vulnerable.

We learn to fear vulnerability, and yet, regardless of how hard we try to push vulnerability away, we experience it every day. No matter how hard we try to hide it, avoid it, run screaming from it, it is a part of us. Vulnerability is an integral part of who we are.

Brené Brown explains that:"Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity, innovation, change."

How is this possible?

How is it possible that feeling so exposed and raw in the world can be a birth place of creativity, innovation, and change?

For those of you that are or ever have been in recovery from a physical illness, mental dis-ease, any addiction, a death, divorce, separation, a loss, etc, you can likely relate.

Being vulnerable takes an enormous amount of courage. It gives us a beautiful opportunity to open our hearts to something bigger.

Vulnerability is the essence of truth.

At the end of the day, being vulnerable doesn't allow us to escape into ourselves. It holds our hand while it reminds us that in our perfect imperfections we are possible. We can be, do, and have whatever we want if we open to all that we are.

This week, please remember that as you connect with your vulnerability, your courage to heal can birth something new. Remember that you are loved, you are possible, and as always

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

LOOK WHAT IS COMING TO NAMASTE!

PARTNER WORKSHOP:Saturday, April 25th, with Jill and Jenny Jo! 2 Seats left. $50 deposit. $200 for 4 hours.

MEN'S HEALTHY SEXUALITY GROUP: We are excited to have this be our 4th on-going men's group.Starts Monday May 4th, 5-7 p.m. 4 Seats left! $45 per group; 12-Week Series (4 modules, on-going).

90 DAY BI-WEEKLY PARTNER GROUP FOR WOMEN WITH JILL: Starts MAY 14, 6-8 p.m. $45 per group. 6 group commitment.

RSVP: CANDICE@NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

What is Your "Why"?

I recently gave a tour of our program, Namasté Center for Healing, to some colleagues. One of the questions I was asked was, "Why do you do this work?" My initial thought was, "What a loaded question." In the past, I had given a more impersonal reason for why I do what I do. I would tell the story of a time when I was in undergraduate school at Westminster College when I wanted to be an attorney (true story). I was told by a much older male professor of mine that I was not cut out for law (how he knew that I don't know, as we had just met). At the time, I didn't have enough self confidence, self trust, or self esteem to continue to pursue a law degree....

Turns out that my professor was right for reasons that neither he nor I knew at the time.

My "Why" became crystal clear during the time that I had the honor of being my mom's primary caregiver; although admittedly, at the time, I didn't feel honored. It was 2012 and she was hospitalized and diagnosed with "wet brain" from chronic alcoholism. I was shocked as I thought she had quit drinking several years prior. She had suffered multiple strokes, and was given a final diagnosis of dementia. She was 64 years old at the time. I was devastated.

By February 2012, the day of my birthday, I placed her in a memory care unit in a nursing home. She was the youngest woman there. I would visit her three times per week and we would walk up and down the small narrow hallway (pictured above).

That is when my "Why" began to unfold.

At first, my "why" came out of fear. I thought to myself, "I don't want to be 64 years old walking up and down a locked unit not knowing who I am or where I am."

But over the next two years, my real "Why" shone through the illusive darkness of my mom's illness.

My mom had moments of clarity where she would talk openly about her life. Her friends started to visit and talked about her past, including my dad, who had been divorced from her for years. I learned a lot about this beautiful, complicated woman.

I knew my mom was an alcoholic but I didn't know she was a sex and love addict. By the time she passed away in 2014, from what I could gather, she indeed had an intimacy disorder. I always knew my mom was a wounded soul; a survivor no doubt, but wounded indeed.

By putting the puzzle pieces together that my mom was also likely a sex and love addict made sense to me on multiple levels.

During the last Trauma Wound workshop I facilitated last September, the puzzle continued to come together. As I was driving home after the first evening of the workshop, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on the radio.

In that moment, it dawned on me... I would not be able to offer so many people daily hope and inspiration if I hadn't survived my own trauma, and if I hadn't lived with a sex and love addict (and alcoholic) my whole life.

My "Why" finally became clear. My "Why?" Because,

EVERYONE DESERVES TO HEAL.

My abusers deserve to heal. She deserved to heal. I deserve to heal. You who are reading this deserve to heal. We ALL deserve to heal so that we can live  amazingly beautiful lives free from suffering!

Part of my "why" on this earth is to create the most beautiful healing experience for people so that each and every person can re-connect to who they truly are; so that they can live whole-heartedly, mind body and spirit; free of shame, guilt, despair. We all deserve that!

We all must know our "WHY"; we must know why we use in our addictions or deprive ourselves in our anorexias (we all have one or the other, or both). And just as we must know our "Why" with the vices we use, we must absolutely know our true purpose in life; our mission and vision. Our true WHY.

You may be thinking you don't have a "Why"; that you don't have a purpose. But I promise you, you do. Trust that you do. You may not know right this very moment, but as you continue on your journey, no matter what it is, it will become clear. Let those that have walked the path be your guide as you find your way; as your "Why" unfolds. Trust that you too will eventually know what your "Why" is. That is all that matters... trusting that your "Why" is out there waiting for you to embrace it.

And, just in case you forget along the way, please don't forget, that you are SO WORTH IT. Every moment, every day. And, I believe in you.

Namasté,

Candice

CALLING ALL PARTNERS!  April 25th from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. will be a Life Changing Partner Workshop for individuals who've lived with a spouse with infidelity or sexual addiction (or both). Investment is $200; $50 deposit holds your spot! RSVP 801-272-3500 or  jill@namasteadvice.com.

You Are Possible

Whenever I travel, specifically, when the plane is getting ready to take off, I put in my earphones and play Adele's "Skyfall" song. Some may think this is a morbid song to listen to at take off; after all, it begins with " This is the end....hold your breath and count to ten, feel the earth move and then... feel my heart burst again..." But, for me, it is just the opposite.This last time traveling, as we began taxiing down the runway,  I put in my earphones, turned on "Skyfall",  and a recent memory came to mind. It was so vivid, I cried...

My dad recently came to see my office for the first time in 5 years. The last time he came to see where I worked, I worked for someone else. So the day he came to see what I have created was a big deal. As we stood in one of the group rooms looking out onto the Wasatch Front, he smiled and said, "So, do you ever let yourself enjoy how far you've come?" I wasn't sure I heard him, so I asked him, "What was that?" He repeated his question.

In that moment of understanding what he had asked me, I was overwhelmed by emotion. I burst into tears and began to sob. In a shaky and emotional tone, I said, "I just want to say that it means the world to me that you came to see my office." I repeated this statement over and over as I cried uncontrollably, looking down at the floor, like a nervous little girl.

My dad reached out and hugged me as he does, reminding me that I created something really beautiful by believing in myself. He reminded me that he too believes in me and always has.

HE ALWAYS HAS.

But the story I created in my head all these years was he didn't believe in me, so I had to work extra hard to get him to see how special I was. This was an illusive storyline created when I was a very little girl; I could see in that moment that it was not serving me to continue believing it. Instead, it had caused me to work way too hard all these years, and not let my inner child play enough. As my plane began to take flight, the song continued and my favorite part, the chorus, came on:

"When the sky falls, and it crumbles, we will stand tall and face it all...together... Sky fall is where we start...as worlds collide...where you go I go, what you see I see."

I realize people may interpret this song very differently than I do; however, for me, it is always a beautiful reminder that no matter what, no matter if, like in the children's book "Chicken Little" or Adele's song, if the sky (our world) appears to be falling via losing a job, financial strain, addiction, a death, divorce, conflict, depression/anxiety/other emotional struggles,

WE ARE ALL POSSIBLE, MEANING, WE ALL HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO CREATE BEAUTIFUL THINGS OUT OF OUR LIVES.

We just forget sometimes as we each get scared, as our little girl or little boy inside comes out to remind us of something from our past that is unresolved and needs tending to. The beauty in all of this is when we get the opportunity, or rather, let ourselves have the opportunity to connect with our loved ones in a way where we can be reminded of our potential for greatness, WE SHINE.

As the weekend nears, let yourself reflect on the ways in which you have bought into a story about yourself and others that isn't real. Let yourself see if you can connect, or reconnect with this idea that you are possible. You are creating a beautiful life for yourself, even if you are embarking on a new journey.

Let yourself STAND TALL and know that YOU CAN FACE IT ALL with the support of people you trust, whether that is a spouse or partner, family member, friend, support group.

And as always, in case you forget,  please trust that  YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Namasté,

Candice

We have a couple seats left for our Partner Workshop! Join Jill and Jenny Jo on April 25th from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. for a Life Changing Partner Workshop for individuals who've lived with a spouse with infidelity or sexual addiction (or both). Investment is $200; $50 deposit holds your spot! Space is limited so reach out to us today! 801-272-3500; candice@namasteadvice.com.

Untether Your Anger: Free Yourself From Your Own Poison

It is not a surprise that I talk about addiction as much as I do. When you treat it day in and day out, one can't help but have it on their mind most of the time.

The interesting thing about addiction is that it really is a coping skill. I am not saying that as an excuse; it just is.

People, based on a variety of factors (internal and external), attach to an object. This object may be drugs, alcohol (or both), sex, work, spending, shopping, compulsive dating, falling in love repeatedly, or obsessing over one person; losing weight, gaining weight (or muscle), compulsively exercising, all of the above, etc.

Whatever the vice, there is always an underlying cause. In order to heal, we have to dive deeper than the vice: deeper than sex, or drugs, or spending, etc.

After all, the vice is the cancer that lives inside of folks. In recovery, we have to find the origin, and learn new and lasting techniques to recover forever.

Otherwise, we continue to risk losing everything; including our lives even more so than we already have.

At Namasté,we work with both male and females struggling to recover from long-term additions, as well as their partners and spouses. We find that all of them have some form of trauma; the addicts often have it in their past while their partners have undue trauma as a result of being betrayed, lied to, abused emotionally (and in other ways), and continually deceived.

One form of trauma that gets unduly inflicted on partners is an addict's anger.

When we are working with individuals with sexual addiction, we often see that they sexualize their anger. This is called Eroticized Rage. Individuals, in an attempt to master their anger at another, will may times use power and control, revenge, or other perverse means to create a sense of "equalling the playing field" when they are upset. A primary trigger for a lot of folks (besides their families of origin) is their partner, who often experiences the brunt of their eroticized rage.

For instance, if an individual feels unresolved angry, they may act it out sexually via porn, hook ups, one night stands, compulsive masturbation, or other sexual acts (some more perverse and deviant than others). Some may look at porn on their spouses phone, or have one night stands in places where they shared loving memories with their partners. Whatever the case may be, eroticized rage is not only hurtful and at times exploitive, it can also have damaging effects on a relationship.

Bill had a lot of unresolved anger at his mother for never protecting him from his abusive father. As a child, he felt like he was left to fend for himself. When he was old enough to ask his mom to protect him from his father's emotional and physical explosions, she said, "What am I supposed to do? You got yourself into this."

As an adult, Bill saw women as objects and used them for sex. He was rather dismissive of them after they gave him sexual pleasure.

When he finally married, he was overly critical of his wife and continued living a double life with one night stands. If he didn't feel his wife was being supported of him or listening, he would snap. Instead of telling her how he felt in a healthy way, he would create a fight then escape via chatrooms and one night stands for a false sense of validation.

It wasn't until Bill was in therapy that he was able to identify how angry he was at his mother for abandoning him in his greatest time of need. He realized that a lot of his anger also aimed at his father for being abusive, but because he didn't feel safe to express it to either parent, he projected it onto women in general by using them for sex, and ultimately his wife.

In therapy, he learned how to self soothe in a healthy way when angry, sad, or feeling helpless, as well as how to effectively communicate his needs to his wife. This along with him being accountable for his anger outbursts and committing to timing out when he was mad, led to an increased level of non-sexual intimacy in he and his wife's relationship.

Anger is a natural emotion that is often misunderstood, avoided, misused, or mishandled. Some people get addicted to feeling intense anger, and as a result, destroy a lot of their close relationships.

If you can relate to any of this, know that there is hope; you can change.

This week, take some time to notice if you are tethered in your anger. Is it a poison that you find yourself drinking? Are you punishing yourself and your loved ones by acting out aggressively, sexually, (both) in an attempt to master unresolved pain or discomfort?

If so, talk to a safe person, a friend, your group, your sponsor, a safe family member, and/or therapist to learn ways to deal with your anger more effectively. While it is a natural emotion that we all have, it doesn't have to be poisonous.

Remember, even with all your feelings, from the most challenging ones to those that bring you peace: YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Join Jenny Jo and Jill on April 25th from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. for a Life Changing Partner Workshop for individuals who've lived with a spouse with infidelity or sexual addiction (or both). Investment is $200; $50 deposit holds your spot! Space is limited so reach out to us today! 801-272-3500; candice@namasteadvice.com.

Expectation: Is It The Root of All Heartache?

People have expectations every single day. They have the expectation that they will get up in the morning, follow their daily routine without thinking much about it, go to work in some fashion (even if work is staying home with the kids; which is a 24/7 job). People also have a lot of expectations of their loved ones. Most people don't realize that by having certain expectations, especially of their intimate partner, they create their own heartache.

This can be a very difficult concept to both grasp and accept; after all, many people unintentionally and unknowingly project their inner most pain and suffering (often from their past) onto their loved ones.

In his famous book, The Path to Love (1997), Deepak Chopra suggests, "Words become more personal the more emotional they are." He adds, " Since 'I Love You' is the most emotional phrase in our language, it includes many feelings that you might never openly refer to, particularly the painful ones (p.117).

So many expectations come from those 3 simple (and yet not so simple) words: "I love you." The expectation that our loved one won't hurt or betray us, that they will never leave; that they will always be by our side to protect and support us.

Thus, our expectations often lead to projection; projecting what is unresolved in our past onto our partners in our current life.

As Deepak asserts, "false love operates by projection, displacing your own feelings upon another" (p. 120). He adds, "Projection always hides a feeling you don't want to look at" (p.121).

Many people's expectations and projections get manifested by way of control. For instance, trying to control their partner's every move, thoughts, even feelings, out of fear that if they don't control them, they may lose them (literally and even figuratively).

A caveat to this is that sometimes, because one's spouse has an addiction to something or someone (a substance or a process-food, sex, work, money), a partner may try to control their actions, thoughts, and feelings out of intense fear of continual hurt and betrayal.

Research shows that this is often a byproduct of them feeling hugely betrayed; trust is completely gone. Partners of sex addicts, for instance, show signs of Post Traumatic Stress as a result of the perpetual lies, deceit, and betrayal.

I am not saying that it is not ok or even normal to have expectations. What I am saying is that if our expectation is for our partner to fulfill what is unresolved in us based on our past, we are setting both them and ourselves up for failure.

If you take a minute and examine a negative trait that you believe is in your partner, you will likely find that trait inside of you as well. The more you deny it, the more you will project it onto your partner. The more expectations you have related to your partner changing this trait, the more you will find yourself in suffering and heartache.

What is the lesson here? Yes, have expectations. However, keep them realistic of both yourself and other people. Look at your own projections. As challenging as this is and as much as you want to insist that you don't have any of the negative traits you are pointing out in your partner, you likely do.

And, as always, know:

YOU ARE WORTH IT, EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Namasté,

Candice

Join Jenny Jo Tuttle tomorrow night, Feb 24th, 2015, 6-7:30 p.m. for Relationship Recovery Class. Whether you are single or in a relationship, come! Fee: $45 per person, $75 per couple. 4505 S. Wasatch Blvd Ste 205, SLC UT 84124; 801-272-3500.

Photo by livlovecreate.com.