Nowadays, infidelity is not necessarily just with a live person; it can be one's secret porn addiction, chatting on-line with strangers for emotional or sexual pleasure (or escape), going to massage parlors for "happy endings", messaging old "friends" on facebook to get emotional or sexual needs met (note: this is not an exhaustive list). Regardless of the type of cheating, a spouse's infidelity can be traumatic for the partner and their children. During the initial stages of discovering such a painful betrayal, it is often extremely difficult for loved ones to cope. Partner's tend to feel shock, disbelief, anger, confusion and feel as though they can't think straight. Some may feel like they are going crazy, obsessing over their partner's every move, wondering when it will happen again. Older children and teens report feeling like the cheating spouse betrayed them as well. They are left feeling confused, hurt, sad and angry as well.
American culture has a lot of anger implicit in it's sexuality; often, sex and anger get confused. Many male and female sex addicts often score high on at least one of the 4 scales of Eroticized Rage on the Sexual Dependency Inventory-4 (SDI-4). When I bring this to their attention, many are surprised. Most say, "But I am not angry." What is often misunderstood about the word eroticized rage is that it doesn't necessarily show up as someone violently acting out sexually on another person (for some individuals, those that are sex offenders, this may actually be the case, however). On the contrary, it is often more subtle.
As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), I have had the honor and privilege of training with Dr. Patrick Carnes, the pioneer of sex addiction treatment in the country, as well as: Dr. Stefanie Carnes, Rob Weiss (leading expert on cybersex in the country), Dr. Ken Adams (Author of Silently Seduced), Debra Kaplan (expert on trauma). All of these amazing experts are CSATs and CSAT-Supervisors. The approach to treatment that Dr. Carnes has created supports one of lasting and longterm recovery. As a recovering sex addict himself with 40 years in recovery, he has taken his own personal experience of recovery from this brain disease as well as extensive research to create an effective task based approach.
In today's world, youth have access to everything, including all types of pornography. The dangers are real and the statistics are both startling and disturbing. Here are just a few: American children begin consuming hardcore pornography at an average age of 11; four out of five 16 year olds regularly access pornography on-line.
People often misunderstand love addiction as being addicted to the feeling of love. Love addiction, however, has nothing to do with love. People become addicted to the fantasy that someone can actually make them feel whole (fill a "void"). People who get addicted to love or addicted to being in a relationship, typically come from a household where they experienced a fundamental failure in attachment, specifically to their mother. Many love addicts also grew up with emotional, physical, sexual, psychological abuse and/or neglect. So they learned early on to create a fantasy world of how they would like their life to be; one in which they are rescued by their partner. For women who get addicted to men, they create a fantasy of the "knight in shining armor." For men who get addicted to women, they create a fantasy of a "super woman." In same sex relationships, their partner becomes a fantasy of "super-partner."
