"Can Our Marriage Be Saved?" Surviving Infidelity.

Nowadays, infidelity is not necessarily just with a live person; it can be one's secret porn addiction, chatting on-line with strangers for emotional or sexual pleasure (or escape), going to massage parlors for "happy endings", messaging old "friends" on facebook to get emotional or sexual needs met (note: this is not an exhaustive list). Regardless of the type of cheating, a spouse's infidelity can be traumatic for the partner and their children. During the initial stages of discovering such a painful betrayal, it is often extremely difficult for loved ones to cope. Partner's tend to feel shock, disbelief, anger, confusion and feel as though they can't think straight. Some may feel like they are going crazy, obsessing over their partner's every move, wondering when it will happen again. Older children and teens  report feeling like the cheating spouse betrayed them as well. They are left feeling confused, hurt, sad and angry as well.

Partners and their older children wonder what they did wrong to cause their spouse to be unfaithful. My answer is nothing. Cheating has to do with the person, not their partner or family. However, this is often hard to believe in the initial stages of discovery, and a spouse's act of being unfaithful is even more difficult to not take as a personal attack on oneself and the relationship.

With all of this pain and betrayal, is it possible to survive such an intimate betrayal? Actually, it is. Here is how:

1.Counseling.  Surviving infidelity is possible if both the partner and unfaithful spouse are willing to seek counseling either together, separately, or both by a therapist who specializes in relationship betrayal. Some therapist may say they work with couples where there has been an intimate betrayal, however, they actually don't have the background, training or experience in doing this type of complex work, especially if their is a sexual addiction or other addictions present.

2.  Rigorous Honesty by the cheating spouse. Cheating is based on lies and secrets, especially when the person cheating is already in a committed relationship. The affair is illusive because it was created on false premises, secrets, betrayal and lies. Thus, the spouse must get completely honest with themselves and their partner about what the underlying and "real" issue is that drove them to cheat. (Note: In sex addiction treatment, due to the trauma that partner's endure with on-going sexual acting out, a formal disclosure process is followed that allows the partner and spouse to have ample preparation and support by their therapists to ensure the partner is not continuously traumatized by on-going disclosure).

3. Boundaries. Partners often feel as though their boundaries have been stepped on by their spouse usually long before the intimate betrayal.  However, often times they don't know how to implement healthy boundaries. Through therapy, and with a lot of support, we encourage partners to identify what their new boundaries are as well as their "deal breakers." A deal breaker is a behavior(s) that the partner will absolutely not tolerate (for instance, having sex with a minor, one's best friend or sibling/parent, is often a deal breaker for partners). However, a boundary may be that the partner will not allow the spouse to look at pornography any longer (note: if the spouse has a porn addiction, this may actually be a deal breaker for the partner). In order to recover, the spouse needs to be able to respect the partner's new boundaries.

If the spouse violates the "deal breaker" rule, it is crucial that the partner has a clear consequence and sticks to it. This is often very difficult but with the support in therapy, many partner's gain the strength and self esteem to follow through with their planned consequence (which sometimes is separation or divorce).

4. Self Care. It is extremely important during this time that partners' self care. This includes seeking safe support networks whom they can vent to and spend time with as needed. Group therapy and workshops can be effective ways to gain on-going support by others who understand the repercussions of such a painful experience. Exercise, rest, eating healthy are very important during this time yet often challenging at first. With support and guidance in therapy, partner's start to learn that the importance of putting their needs first.

5. Therapeutic Separation. At times, a therapeutic separation, guided by the partner and spouse's therapists, is necessary to allow both parties to get clear on what they want and need in the relationship. This is often encouraged if boundaries are continuing to be crossed, or the household becomes so contentious that one or both parties and/or the children are emotionally suffering. These usually last 90 days and can be very beneficial with clear goals, structure, and follow through by both parties.

To learn more about how to survive infidelity in a safe, supportive environment, contact our office at 801-272-3500 to schedule an assessment. Also, please join intimacy disorder expert Candice Christiansen, CMHC, CSAT and Kate Johnson, LCSW on March 1st, 2014 from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. We are offering a Saturday Intensive called Intimate Betrayal where we will explore what spouses can do to begin their healing from infidelity and/or their spouses sexual addiction. Email Candice at candice@namasteadvice.com or call 801-272-3500 if you are interested in attending. Tuition is $150 for the three hours; $140 early bird special if paid in full before March 1st 2014.

Eroticized Rage: An Underlying Issue for Many Sex Addicts

American culture has a lot of anger implicit in it's sexuality; often, sex and anger get confused. Many male and female sex addicts often score high on at least one of the 4 scales of Eroticized Rage on the Sexual Dependency Inventory-4 (SDI-4). When I bring this to their attention, many are surprised. Most say, "But I am not angry." What is often misunderstood about the word eroticized rage is that it doesn't necessarily show up as someone violently acting out sexually on another person (for some individuals, those that are sex offenders, this may actually be the case, however). On the contrary, it is often more subtle.

What is the origin of Eroticized Rage (ER)? For many, ER stems from early childhood experiences; ones that were often traumatic. Note: many people think of trauma as sexual, physical, emotional abuse. However, trauma entails SO much more than these types of abuses. Trauma can entail being bullied, having surgery as a child, experiencing a death of an animal or loved one, having a broken bone, being diagnosed with a disability or chronic ailment (i.e., childhood diabetes), divorce, parents who were on drugs,etc. ER often stems from early life events that leave a child/teen feeling powerless, out of control and angry...

What are examples of ER in sex addicts?

1. WITH MONEY: Someone that felt neglected, unworthy or de-valued as a child may use money to gain power and access over another person. For instance, if a sex addict frequents strip clubs, hires escorts, or goes to certain massage parlors, they may think that by paying someone money for sex, they will have them in their power to do whatever they want including value them as a person for that time (boosts their self esteem). The money is a way to feel powerful and in control where they may not have felt this by others, including primary caregivers, as a child. Thus, their anger becomes sexualized by using money to purchase sex, and to guarantee control, power, and full access over another person. Thus the stripper, escort, massager person becomes another object to use.

1.a. On the other hand, if a sex addict is a stripper, prostitute, escort, masseuse, she (most of the sex addicts I see that engage in these professions are females so I am going to say "she") in my experience, was most likely neglected as a child, as well as bullied by kids/teens in school. Some female clients report that they were bullied so terribly that the only way they felt they would be loved was by using their body sexually to gain power and control over men or women. The belief is often, "You may not like me, but you will like what I offer you sexually." Thus, stripping, for example, becomes a "get back" in a sense; a way to feel powerful and in control for the times they felt they were neither. By taking someone's money, women report feeling very powerful, especially when they take someone's money. This, is the ultimate way to feel "valued." Many women often report feeling disgusted by men they serve sexually but that they are able to compartmentalize their negativity in order to act out sexually (another component of eroticized rage that includes traumatic organization~being able to compartmentalize one's anger to feel powerful and in control).

2. By Acting Out: Many sex addicts are lacking self awareness when it comes to their emotions. Sex becomes a way to escape any discomfort. Folks with sex addiction are often terrified to express their feelings out of fear of being rejected. I often hear clients report stuffing their feelings with their partners then secretly acting out sexually. When we get to the root of the issue, many share feeling powerless and angry over the situation, therefore acting out as a way to "get back" at their partner for feeling helpless. They feel powerful in the moment they act out because they are the one in control (the secret feeds these feelings). The addict is very reactive in his/her response. Pay backs demonstrate this type of reactivity.

3. To Gain a Sense of Power: Some sex addicts who have a history of being sexually victimized will act out by initiating sex with various partners. This is their way of feeling powerful after perceiving that they were taken advantage of, or harassed, or verbally/emotionally mistreated. These abuses can come from various environments, whether it's at work by one's boss or co-workers, or random occurrence such as a family gathering or party. Another example is after a break-up. Some sex addicts who also have love addiction (a lot of times these are women in my experience) may act out sexually after a break up in which they were love addicted. This is a way to feel powerful and in control after experiencing rejection. It also is a way to feel validated.

Treatment for ER begins with educating clients on what ER actually entails as well as having them explore times in their life when they felt angry, powerless, and out of control (find the origin). Doing work around shame is also key. We specifically focus on why clients chose certain sexual acting out behaviors; what was the pay off for them? We assist clients in separating out sexual acting out from how they are actually feeling and encourage them to deal their feelings in healthy ways with their loved ones (and in general) so they will are less likely to act out. Also, we help clients learn how to manage their emotions by teaching self-soothing strategies (including EMDR strategies) to decreases clients discomfort around feeling. This empowers them to express their feelings in a healthier way. We also teach healthy communication styles and have clients practice them in group, individual therapy, as well as in the real world. We also teach and model healthy boundaries for clients since many clients do not know what boundaries include. We discuss women and men as being subjects instead of objects, teach the 3 second rule, as well as encourage people to express themselves with loved ones in a healthy way.

If you or someone you know has ER and needs support, contact us today! There is hope and healing is possible.

Namaste, Candice

Recovery from Sex Addiction/Sexual Anorexia: What to Expect

As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), I have had the honor and privilege of training with Dr. Patrick Carnes, the pioneer of sex addiction treatment in the country, as well as: Dr. Stefanie Carnes, Rob Weiss (leading expert on cybersex in the country), Dr. Ken Adams (Author of Silently Seduced), Debra Kaplan (expert on trauma). All of these amazing experts are CSATs and CSAT-Supervisors. The approach to treatment that Dr. Carnes has created supports one of lasting and longterm recovery. As a recovering sex addict himself with 40 years in recovery, he has taken his own personal experience of recovery from this brain disease as well as extensive research to create an effective task based approach.

His research indicates that individuals that participate in weekly (or twice weekly) individual therapy, group therapy, and an on-going support group have a higher likelihood of having lasting recovery. Individuals with sexual addiction who enter treatment with their partners, who also get treatment, have a a 96% success rate (Carnes, 2009). This is great news!

In my practice I use an integrative approach of incorporating mindful therapy with the task-based model, with an emphasis on trauma treatment to assist people who have sexual addiction and/or sexual anorexia in healing longterm. What my associates and I see is significant improvement longterm.

So what is the process of sex addiction/sexual anorexia treatment?

1. The Assessment Phase: This phase lasts approximately 3-5 sessions. Clients entering therapy for sexual addiction/sexual anorexia have an initial in-office intake assessment with myself and/or one of my associates, who are also trained or in training to treat these intimacy disorders. During this time, we gather as much bio-psycho-social history as possible to begin to conceptualize what you need, what your diagnosis (or diagnoses) may be, and begin to treatment plan.

Part of the assessment phase entails having clients take 2 (or 3 depending on the issues) assessment measures: the SDI-4 (Sexual Dependency Inventory), the PTSI-R (the Post Traumatic Stress Inventory-Revised) and if appropriate, the MAWASI (Money and Work Adaptive Scale Index). The first two assessments are given to all clients coming to therapy for sexual addiction; the PTSI-R is given to clients coming to therapy for trauma; the MAWASI is given if clients have financial and work disorders and/or sexual addiction/trauma.

Taking these assessments often elicits much anxiety and distress for clients, so I have clients take these a day or so before we meet to ensure they have a safe space to process whatever arises. I remind clients in session that these assessments can create discomfort, especially when we are reviewing them. However, these assessments provide a wonderful and thorough client profile that assists in accurately diagnosing and treatment planning. Therefore they are essential to our treatment process.

2. The Treatment Phase: This phase lasts 3-5 years. Treatment for sexual addiction and sexual anorexia is longterm. After all, many clients entering treatment have been struggling with their intimacy issues since they were very young. Therefore, in treatment our goal is to assist clients in creating new neural pathways that assist them in lasting recovery. I always tell clients: 2 people enter therapy; 1-The Addict and 2- Who You TRULY Are. Teaching new, healthy coping skills at times can feel slow, long, frustrating and laborious. And, Relapse is an unfortunate but likely part of the process. However, as clients who have been coming to therapy at Namaste Consulting, LLC for 6 months to 2 years will attest: by practicing the tools, doing the homework and assignments, accepting feedback from your therapist(s), attending individual and group therapy consistently, and having their partner (if applicable) involved, healing happens sooner than later. As one client tells new clients that come to his group, "Coming here is the fast track to recovering from this disease."

Our no-nonsense, direct, yet very compassionate approach encourages clients to be accountable and authentic, thus challenging their "addict" self that wants to keep secrets, manipulate, act out, control others, and lie. For some, this can be very difficult, especially since their "addict" has been in control for most of their life. However, with the support of their individual/group therapist and group members, shift happens and fast.

A Mindful/Task Based Approach to Treatment: We incorporate a Mindful Approach to healing along with Dr. Carnes Research Based Task Model to assist in longterm healing. We teach mindful tools from both my workbook: Mastering the Trauma Wound and EMDR such as guided imagery, creating a safe space/safe container, and deep breathing to assist clients in managing their anxiety (which most clients have). We use specific assignments to assist clients in gaining insight into their addiction as well their recovery. Some examples of assignments include: Exploring Problems, Secrets, and Thinking Errors; Trauma Egg, Cycle, Shame Core, Decision Table, PCI, healthy/unhealthy sexuality (i.e., courtship issues).

I also offer a quarterly intensive weekend workshop where I use my workbook: Mastering the Trauma Wound to assist clients in healing any unresolved childhood/adult trauma that may be interfering with their lasting recovery. (Note: All of our clients that come to heal from addiction have histories of some sort of trauma from being bullied to having a disability to being sexual abused/physically abused/neglected).

We understand that treatment for an intimacy disorder can be overwhelming and terrifying. There are a lot of unknowns for people coming for help (i.e., am I going to lose my spouse due to my actions?). However, we remind all of our clients that there is Hope for you and your partner! If you or your partner is struggling with what you believe is sexual addiction or sexual anorexia (see FAQ for details of each), know that you both CAN recover. We are here to guide you. Call or email today for an assessment. Namaste~

Help! My child/teen is addicted to porn!

In today's world, youth have access to everything, including all types of pornography. The dangers are real and the statistics are both startling and disturbing. Here are just a few: American children begin consuming hardcore pornography at an average age of 11; four out of five 16 year olds regularly access pornography on-line. (http://www.internetsafety101.org/Pornographystatistics.htm).

I am beginning to get more calls from parents concerned that their pre-teens and teens (both sons and daughters) are looking at pornography, and the teens I meet with share being concerned that they are addicted to it. During the intake process,teens say that the common denominator regarding where they first saw porn was a cell phone; most often someone else's (accidentally viewing it on their parent's phone or having another child/teen show them).

The risk of viewing pornography for ANYONE is that the brain can immediately get hijacked. For a young person's brain that is not fully developed, addiction is highly likely, even inevitable. Parents that minimize or ignore the seriousness of their child viewing porn are not just in denial, they are putting their children and themselves at risk (including legal risk due to child endangerment).

Here are some signs that your child/teen is addicted to porn:

1. An unusual curiosity about sexuality at a young age 2. Premature sexuality, sexting, talking or dressing/behaving in seductive ways (it is not age appropriate for children/teens to be doing this) 3. Inappropriate pop-ups or emails on your computer 4. Computer screen changes when you walk in the room 5. Not wanting to show you their phone 6. Having a smart phone or phone that has access to internet (this is a warning sign due to access!) 7. Increased secretiveness, defensiveness, irritability 8. Hanging with older friends

If you are concerned about your child/teen viewing porn, here is what you can do: 1. Talk to your child/teen in a loving way. This is key. Even if they are defensive, they need to know you are not judging them, but concerned for their safety. Educate them on the risks of looking at pornography and other social media that is potentially exploitive. 2. Install blocking software on your, their computer and phone. Let them know that this is for THEIR protection (their are many predators on apps and the internet that sexually assault children every day):www.cyberpatrol.com,www.netnanny.com,www.cybersitter.com,www.k9webprotection.com 3. Get professional help by contacting a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. At Namaste Consulting, LLC, we specialize in treating sexual and other process addictions.

It is crucial that you protect your children/teens from the harmful effects of viewing pornography. As their parent, you are responsible for their safety. If you know your child/teen has access and/or is viewing pornography and you do not do anything about it, you are at risk of child endangerment, and the state of Utah can and often will get involved in ensuring you keep your child and family safe.

For more information on the internet safety, go to http://www.internetsafety101.org/pornography101.htm.

Namaste. Candice

Addicted to "Love": The Illusive Drug That Leaves You Empty

People often misunderstand love addiction as being addicted to the feeling of love. Love addiction, however, has nothing to do with love. People become addicted to the fantasy that someone can actually make them feel whole (fill a "void"). People who get addicted to love or addicted to being in a relationship, typically come from a household where they experienced a fundamental failure in attachment, specifically to their mother. Many love addicts also grew up with emotional, physical, sexual, psychological abuse and/or neglect. So they learned early on to create a fantasy world of how they would like their life to be; one in which they are rescued by their partner. For women who get addicted to men, they create a fantasy of the "knight in shining armor." For men who get addicted to women, they create a fantasy of a "super woman." In same sex relationships, their partner becomes a fantasy of "super-partner."

The following are some characteristics of a love addict:

1. Craving a "buzz" from romance, attention from a partner, or even sex 2. Believing the fantasy that "someday my prince or princess will rescue me" 3. Trying to figure out what your partner is thinking 4. Snooping through your partner's phone, email, FB, etc. for information 5. Looking to see who your partner will find attractive 6. Neglecting your own needs for the needs and wants of your partner including hobbies, friendships, how you dress, where you work 7. Tolerating the intolerable in relationship for fear of being abandoned (a love addicts worst conscious fear is abandonment) 8. Trying to control your partner 9. Selling out on your wants and needs to ensure your partner is satisfied 10. Saying yes when you want to say no 11. Stalking behaviors 12. Resenting your partner when the fantasy unravels

Someone that is addicted to love and relationships tends to go from one relationship to the next in hopes that their fantasy life will be fulfilled, and in an attempt to relieve any pain from their previous relationship. It becomes an escape (unfortunately they learn that they are still trapped in an addiction).

I often see clients, many times women, who report both love and sex addiction. They get caught in a web of having sex as a means of either controlling their partner (this may not be conscious) and/or thinking it is love and a way of being connected in relationships.

How do you heal from love/relationship addiction?

1. Structure and Support is key: going to therapy and working through attachment issues, any trauma, other addictions is essential. 2. Ending destructive friendships and relationships is often a part of healing. This is a hard step since ending the relationship means ending one's addiction, so withdrawal follows (which can be a challenge for some folks, but worth it). 3. Ceasing destructive behavior that causes you shame and despair (these are called "bottom line behaviors"). 4. If you share custody, are still married, or there are religious or other issues related to staying in a toxic relationship, it is important that you and he/her both get help (therapy, couples therapy, SLAA meetings). 5. Educate yourself on love addiction by reading books such as Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction and/or Ready to Heal by Kelly McDaniel (for women). 5.Learning healthy boundaries and practicing them 6.Learning tools for self soothing and reality testing when fear arises 7.Abstinence from sexual intimacy, including having clear boundaries re: relationships for 90 days has been an effective tools for my clients.

More abstinence will help your brain clear out any destructive pathways and make way for lasting healing. This may not be an option if you are in a committed relationship; however, if both you and your partner can learn keys to having non-sexual intimacy and healthy connection outside of connecting through sex, sexual intimacy will be healthier longterm.

As you start to use the above tools consistently, you will create new neural pathways in your brain that will help you form lasting healthy relationships, and you will be able to make room for feelings that you have not dealt with for a long time.

~Candice