Social Media for Teens: Good or Bad?

Nowadays, teens have access to multiple social media sites, and can be found texting, face-booking, twittering, tumbling, insta-gramming, you name it, at all hours of the day and night. For many parents, the question a lot of times is,"How do I keep track of what they are looking at and who they are connecting with?"

Which leads me to the question: Is Social Media Good OR Bad?

Social media can be positive, however, it can also be very dangerous, especially for children and teens.

WHY?

The internet, along with the numerous phone apps out there, has brought both anonymity and accessibility to all kinds of social interactions. So, teens may go from having day to day chats with "friends" they both know and don't know, to finding a stranger that they consider a "hottie." The latter statement refers to an app called Tinder, the latest teen dating site that promotes "cutting to the chase"; alleviating getting to know someone and choosing to meet them based on their looks.

I am not against social media sites such as this one per say, however, my concern is that we are seeing an increase in the following among teens because of these social media sites:

Vulnerability to sexual predators Sexting (sending nude or semi-nude pictures of self to others, or using sexually explicit language, etc.) Seeing people as objects instead of subjects, Creating a disconnect where teens hide behind their phones Compromising the younger generation's ability to relate to one-another Cyber-Bullying

the media has shared recent reports of more than one teenage girl being sexually assaulted after going to a high school party and having nude pictures (taken by young men they were with) taken of them against their will, then exploited all over instagram or other social media sites. the damage that this caused and causes is significant: shame, embarrassment, and the impact to an impressionable teen's self-esteem can be life long, and sadly, in some cases, end in suicide.

There are benefits of social media, if people can use it maturely. For instance, Facebook, which is considered the most popular social media networking site to date, can be positive for teens to stay connected to friends and family. Instagram can be fun forum for teens to share appropriate pictures to friends and family, Tastebuds can be a creative way to connect with teens through music, and datemyschool can be a way for college student's to find people to date at their own college.

The challenge with teens is that they are vulnerable to peer pressure, they have raging hormones so their emotions run high, and their brain is not completely formed. So healthy decision making is often inhibited. Along with this, insecurity and self esteem are also highly common during this rite of passage, putting both young men and young women at risk for being exploited in hopes of being "liked".

I cannot stress enough that maturity and parental guidance is KEY to protecting your kids/teens from dangerous occurrences on social media. Know your kids. Know what they are looking at and talk to them about it. If you are connected to your kids, you will be able to strike up a conversation about the dangers and realities of social media. Educate them on the fallacies and truths of social media; if need be limit their access, not as a punishment, but as protection.

This is the generation of our future. Let's support them in having healthy connections to others while protecting them from the many dangers out there.

~Candice

"I hate sex...is something wrong with me?"

As a therapist working with men and women who come to see me due to hating sex, and avoiding it with their spouse, I am often asked, "Is something wrong with me?" This is indeed a delicate question. The challenge with it is that we are literally wired to be sexual to maintain the species, just as we need food to survive. While there may not be something "wrong" with the person seeking help, there may be a biological problem that could be impacting their sex drive (i.e., hormones, illness). During the initial intake, I request that the client get a medical check up from their primary care doctor to rule this out.

Once this is ruled out (or identified), we explore the social, political, cultural, religious, emotional and mental components to someone's aversion to sex with their partner or spouse. In my training as a Sex Addiction Therapist, I have found that if someone has an aversion to a behavior, they will typically have compulsive acting out in other ways. The research and literature on multiple addictions/aversions supports this.

For instance, single men and women will at times report to me a pattern of being very sexual (which may not be anything out of the ordinary). Behavior may include (but not limited to): dating, masturbating, being sexual in relationships. It may also include (but not be limited) to more compulsive behaviors too such as: having one night stands, visiting on-line chat rooms to meet people, sexting multiple people etc., The latter list may be demonstrative of possible sexual addiction (which we assess for at intake). Often, we will identify that compulsive acting out behavior is an attempt to receive validation, affection, numb out, soothe loneliness, and to the brain's reward centers, a way to get high.

However, many times while they are being sexual (whether doing so compulsively or not), they may exhibit anorexic behaviors in other ways, i.e., restrict their food intake, restrict spending, obsessively clean or control their environment. Then, once they are in a "committed" relationship with one person, they report that their desire for sex completely diminishes and they notice they may begin to compulsively act out with food, spend money, working too much, smoking, drinking alcohol, caffeine, etc.

Both behaviors of "binge/purge" are attempts to cope with internal dis-ease and discomfort, most often from outside issues.

In therapy, we explore childhood/teen/early adulthood issues, as well as socio-polital and religious factors (i.e., cultural and religious messages about sex) that impact their view of sex and sexuality, and typically uncover one or more factors that play a significant role in this "binge-purge" behavior. They include (but are not limited to):

1. Deep-seated Shame (shame drives everything!). Shame is the belief that "I am bad." 2. Unresolved Guilt. Guilt is the belief that "I did something bad." 3. Past behavior that has led one to feel shame and guilt; i.e. having an affair, stealing from a loved one, abusing trust in other ways, being sexual before marriage; being sexual at all; having a religious leader or family member shame them for doing something against their faith, etc. 4. Being a victim of trauma (which to me, can be anything perceived as emotionally damaging to an individual). For instance, being harrassed, bullied, abused, neglected, a victim of a terrorist attack, having a disability, being in an accident, surgery, loss of a loved one (etc.). 5. Learned deprivation due to childhood deprivation, including emotional neglect, physical neglect, chaotic families where a child's needs were not adequately met.

So, is there treatment for this? Can someone start to enjoy sex when in a committed relationship?

ABSOLUTELY. In therapy, we first identify the origin of the shame, guilt and deprivation (Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes is a gem of a book; a must read!). We teach our clients ways to learn to nurture themselves, to be intimate with their partners, cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship, as well as understanding family of origin issues, resolving trauma, shame and guilt, and learning how to get their needs met. We teach healthy boundaries, discuss the components of healthy sexuality (i.e.,including intimacy), and challenge any limited socio-political, or religious beliefs that keep them stuck. We offer groups for men and women to learn more about what it means to be in a healthy relationship and use task-based model when necessary for lasting change.

It is possible to enjoy sex with your partner/spouse and have a healthy, intimate relationship. There is hope! Call us for an intake today! 240-257-6463. Healing is possible.

"My Spouse's Porn Use Is Ruining Our Relationship..."

Each week, I receive at least 1 to 2 emails from partners of spouses who are hurt, angry and confused by their spouse's pornography abuse and wondering what they should do. Many feel like something is wrong with them because in their eyes, their spouse is choosing images on a screen over being sexual, intimate, and emotionally connected to them. The emotional impact on partner's of spouses viewing pornography, according to one study, ranged from rage and devastation to feeling abandoned and betrayed (Weiss and Schneider, 2011). In American culture, this indeed is having a significant impact on couples.

My initial response to partners dealing with this is: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. The reality is that no one can compete with the images and facade of pornography,etc. It is all fake and ultimately destroys relationships.

Since the invention of the internet and cheating websites (ashleymadison.com), cell phones and cell phone apps (friend finder, Grindr,etc.), the challenge for partners has now become not only the reality that their spouses may be viewing images on a screen, but that they also have the opportunity to engage in cybersex with a live person, and/or develop a cyber romance (which is often very dangerous).

If you are a partner of a spouse who is addicted to pornography, you may be wondering why your loved one would turn to porn, cybersex and/or cyber romances?

First, pornography addiction, which is a type of sexual addiction (yes, it is real), is a brain disease. Whether or not one has a propensity for addiction, research shows that pornography is highly addictive. The brain literally gets addicted to the pixels on the screen when viewing pornography. The satiate mechanism in the brain responsible for telling a person "I am full" doesn't switch off when one looks at porn, thus the rewards centers of the brain, namely, dopamine (the "gotta get it" neurotransmitter) continues to get a 100% spike, thus feeding addiction, in some cases erectile dysfunction, and ultimately damage to intimate relationships. (For more information on the impacts of pornography on the brain, please go to "yourbrainonporn.com").

In my experience of working with both male and female sex addicts, especially individuals that have a pornography addiction, many of them have fearful avoidant attachment styles. Most often, porn addicts also tend to be more love avoidant in nature, meaning they are terrified of intimacy (although all sex addicts are actually terrified of vulnerability and don't know what intimacy even is), and have an unconscious fear of being abandoned. These issues always stem from childhood, specifically issues with their caregivers. Research shows that most sex addicts, over 80% have been abused in some way.

So if you are a partner of a spouse who is looking at porn, here are some signs that it is a problem and that they and you deserve therapeutic support to save your relationship (the following list is adapted from Untangling the Web by Robert Weiss and Jennifer Schneider, 2011):

1. Your spouse would rather view pornography, movies, and/or have online sexual encounters than be sexually intimate with you;

2. They cannot ejaculate unless viewing pornography (usually a tell-tell sign they are addicted);

3. They don't want to stop the behavior, regardless of knowing the negative impact it is having on you or the relationship;

4. Their reaction towards you when you confront the issue is anger, denial and blaming you; crazy making (remember, you are not crazy; their addiction is!).

5. They make empty promises and have failed attempts at changing or stopping their porn, etc. use, but don't.

6. They lie to you about their porn, etc. use, even when you catch them.

It is important to note that BOTH men and women view pornography. However, research shows that women, who tend to be more relationship focused, often identify themselves as being more addicted to cybersex and less to viewing porn, whereas men are more likely to view pornography for sexual pleasure. Most women prefer chat room where they can connect to a person, and are less likely to use the internet to purse sex. Most women I work with who have love addiction (an obsession with another person) also have sexual addiction (pursue love through sexual encounters).

If you are a partner of a spouse who is addicted to porn, cybersex or cyber romance, there is hope.

At Namaste Consulting, LLC, we offer treatment for both sex addicts and their partners. Both of you deserve to be on the same path to healing by qualified clinicians who know how to treat this very specialized addiction.

Call Candice to schedule an assessment today: 240-257-6463. There is HOPE. Healing is Possible.

Sexual Fantasies Revealed

In my work with trauma survivors (many of which have sexual addiction), especially those who have been physically, emotionally, or sexually abused as children, some share the perplexity of having fantasies that disturb them while arousing them at the same time. As we uncover the deeper meaning of these fantasies, individuals often say that they experience a sense of resolve with this part of their painful past, and begin to be able to embrace intimacy in a new and healthier way, regardless of their sexual preference.

Many clients feel shame and guilt related to certain fantasies, especially if they don’t involve their spouse or partner. Helping them understand the reasons behind certain fantasies can bring a sense of relief from the shame and guilt that is often attached.

Michael Bader wrote a fascinating book titled Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies. In it he describes sexual fantasies and arousal as “resulting from an unconscious attempt to solve problems and not, as many psychoanalysts would have it, recreate them (p. 9). He adds, “Whether that person’s sexual arousal is a response to a picture, person, sexual position, or elaborate daydream, it derives from the same set of psychological dynamics” (p. 9). Meaning, the underlying message behind fantasies are the same regardless of the situation, and the feelings elicited come from the same “psychological source”(p. 9).

Often times, sexual fantasies alleviate feelings of shame and guilt that individuals experienced; they “reverse feelings of helplessness (Bader, M. , pg. 114).

A few examples of sexual fantasies and their possible meanings, according to Bader pgs: 119-141):

Sadomasochistic fantasies: Often involve an attempt to resolve unconsious feelings of guilt related to a desire to let others do to you what you feel guilty about doing to others.For instance, “If someone feels guilty about being strong, then a fantasy about being weak might appease....enough to allow sexual excitement to emerge” (p. 119).

Multiple Partners, otherwise known in popular culture as “Swinging” (Salt Lake has a rather large underground Swingers group) often involves different scenarios, depending on the couple’s desires. According to Bader (2002) the presence of more than one partner may mean someone needs “double the attention” (p.133). Or the observer of other’s having sex may subconsciously believe that he/she doesn’t deserve to be loved, wanted. Some people seek multiple partners to alleviate guilty feelings associated with their strong appetite and not wanting to burden their less sexual partner. Still another reason may be trying to overcome responsibility for one’s partner (i.e., a man who is with another man and woman may be “attempting to master burdensome feelings of responsibility for women...to satisfy them and make them happy”(p. 134).

Exhibitionism: The book 50 Shades of Gray has been viewed as giving women an exhibitionistic view into sadomasochism, many of which admit to being aroused by the dominance and submission. What is it about exhibitionism that turns some people on? Why do some people like to take pictures or film themselves having sex? The person, according to Bader, that is being recorded likes the attention and special focus (p.138). It may also be an attempt to master a sense of loneliness and rejection. For men/women who “flash” their genitalia, this is largely an attempt to resolve shame and neglect from childhood (Bader, p.138). For instance, a man ashamed of his masculinity may “triumph over his shame by showing off the source of it” (Bader, p. 139)>

Same sex attraction when one identifies as “heterosexual”: According to Joe Kort’s article Straight Men Who Have Sex With Other Men (2006), “ A recent New York City survey found nearly one in 10 men say they’re straight and have sex only with other men....”; 70% of these straight identified men were also married (www.joekort.com/articles84.htm).

What is the reasoning behind same sex attraction in individuals who believe they are heterosexual? Individuals who act out their homosexual fantasies or simply fantasize about a same sex partner may or may not be gay or lesbian. Individuals who were sexually abused as children or teenagers may re-enact the trauma through fantasy or engaging in homosexual behavior. Some women, gay or straight “who have been sexually abused will repress their sexuality, while others re-enact their early abuse by being sexually promiscuous with men when, in fact, they are lesbians” (Straight men... 2012). Some men may not have had an emotional connection to a man as children and may use same sex attraction or sexual behavior as a means to gain closeness or intimacy.

Bader explains in detail a variety of fantasies from incest, rape, dominance, slave, asphyxiation, diapered, men wearing women's underwear, and golden/brown showers. He does an excellent job guiding folks, particularly those with sexual compulsivity, in understanding the reason for their fantasies. His book is one of several that I use when treating individuals with sexual addiction, as well as trauma (when applicable). If you are concerned and would like to explore the reasons behind your fantasies and arousal patterns, contact our office today at 240-257-6463. Namaste~

For the Love of Money (and Work)

"What is your worth?" How do you answer this question?

Many people typically respond by assigning numeric value to their worth. One's response: "I am worth" is often followed by a disclosure of a numeric value based on their accumulated assets, etc.

If you take out the notion of assigning numeric value to your worth, however, and ask yourself: "What am I really worth?" What comes up for you? What thoughts, feelings, physical sensations arise?

In all the literature I have read on financial and work success, I consistently come across a theme, which entails: how we view our "work" and money originates from before we worked and made our own money. Life circumstances including: consistently present and available caregivers, abuse or other trauma (whether we witnessed or were direct victims of it), socio-economic status, as well as how the adults around us acted and communicated about money and work, all play a significant role in the development of our money and work templates.

As a therapist who specializes in trauma, addiction and relationship recovery, I have witnessed time and time again clients and/or their spouses who initially come to therapy for relationship struggles. Once we dive a little deeper, they typically admit that their relationships are impacted by their or someone else's addiction--aversion to-- (love, sex, relationship, food, money obsession, workaholism, gambling, porn, etc., etc.), which stems from one's past (trauma), usually with their parents or caregivers. Clients are often curious when, during my assessment, or mid-way through treatment, I begin asking questions involving their beliefs about money and work. After all, most people don't realize that everything we believe as adults (from money to food to work to sex), including how we behave in all areas of our lives (these areas included) comes from core beliefs we developed from our youth.

You may be asking yourself, "What can I do to change my beliefs about work and money?!" I believe that talking to someone who specializes in healing specific disorders is key, as it allows you a deep understanding of the relationship between where you came from and where you are now as well as the necessary guidance, support, and tools for healing your relationships with people, food, sex, money, work, etc, etc.

In therapy, I offer various techniques to begin changing one's outlook on life, including their outlook on work and money. For example, I have adapted an exercise called "Core Belief Process" that was developed by Marc Allen, seminar leader, entrepreneur, composer, and author, as described in Law of Attraction magazine (Spring 2013). Challenge: Practice the following steps when you have an issue or struggle arise for the next 30 days. Notice the difference in your thinking and feeling:

1. Describe the problem (journal or write about it in 1 or 2 minutes, or talk it through with someone) 2. Describe the emotions you are feeling. Naming the feelings can begin shifting how you feel. 3. Notice the physical sensations arising in your body. Again, write them down or talk with someone. Many times, when a client and I begin to talk about distressing memories related to childhood, they will describe feeling sick in their stomach, or heavy in their heart. It is good to connect feelings to where you hold it in your body (E-motions are energy in motion that in reality are feelings that have gotten stuck and can't move. Stuck energy becomes pain in our bodies). 4. Notice your thoughts and say them out loud with someone or write them down. Note if there is a repetitive stream of thoughts and if they are negative, positive (thoughts become things). 5. Write out the worst case scenario for the situation (if I quit this job I hate to go after my dream, my passion, I fear that....) 6. Write out the best case scenario for the situation (if I quit this job I hate to go after my dream, my passion, I envision...) 7. What fear and limited beliefs (likely from childhood) are creating a road block to you taking the leap?? 8. Review the positive decisions you have made in your life: For instance, when in your life did you make decisions that looking back created positive outcomes? Note all the ways you are a good decision maker. 9. Come up with an affirmation (or more than one) that you can reflect on every day. What we think we create. So, for instance, "I am open and receptive to new avenues of income now." Or, "I now create the perfect new job, or work situation, or customer, or client...one that (be descriptive!)." 10. Trust that if what you want is in the highest good for all, you will have what you want! Stay focused on what you want, NOT what you don't want. 11. Write a daily gratitude list, even if it has one or two things on it. Again, I cannot stress enough that what we focus on we create (review all the times you have had this happen!). Gratitude is an attitude of abundance. Start today!

Namaste Consulting, LLC offers an assessment called the MAWASI, Money and Work Adaptive Scales Inventory, which provides a detailed profile of one's obsessions or aversions to work, money.

Along with this, on March 16th and March 30th from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. I am offering a Financial and Work Disorders workshop to assist men and women in exploring their distorted beliefs about work and money, the origins of these beliefs (family of origin issues), how these 2 addictive behaviors often correlate with other addictions or issues (especially in relationships), and tools for overcoming one's money and work obsessions/aversions.

If you are interested in completing a MAWASI assessment and beginning your recovery path from Money and Work addictions, or if you would like to attend Healing Financial and Work Disorders workshop, you may contact Candice today at namasteadvice@gmail.com or 240-257-6463. Healing begins with you!

Live abundantly in ALL areas of your life. It is your divine birthright to be happy, healthy and prosperous. Namaste~