Clarity Among Craziness: Truth Hides In Dark Shadows of Addiction

Sometimes you may find yourself feeling crazy, perverse, confused and literally besides yourself with the illusions you are surrounded with, including the life you are living.

This craziness is either your addiction, the consequences of your addiction,  or you reeling from your spouse's addiction.

It may feel easier and even comfortable to claim that you are crazy....

BUT ARE YOU REALLY??

Whether you are the one with an addiction or the loved one who has endured years of it's wrath, neither of you are crazy, or perverse, deviant, etc. The addiction is, and that part of you that struggles with it has gotten really comfortable with the drama, trauma, and recurring pain.

Why do we get so comfortable with the discomfort? Why do we tolerate the intolerable? Why do we trick ourselves into thinking the illusion is real?

Because we think the pain in some way serves us. What we don't realize is that the pain, like everything else, is just a symptom of a deeper issue. Anger, pain, sadness, hurt call attention to harm that has been done.

Thus, truth sometimes hides in dark shadows.

Addicts spend most of their lives hiding from discomfort and pain. Reality, after all,  is terrifying to them. They would rather live in an illusory world of photo-shopped images and fantasy-land relationships than deal with their traumatic pasts and failed attachments. Fear of rejection, vulnerability, and judgment is too overwhelming.

Recovery begins when the addict and their partner can shine light into the dark shadows and begin to look at the truth of their situation. Taking ownership for the results of the addict's choices is a big first step towards healing, along with a commitment to change (at all costs).

Learning how to be honest, vulnerable, ask for what one needs, and have intimacy in a non-sexual way are healthy values that develop between the addict and partner over time, with practice and perseverance.

Dark shadows are only cast when we turn our backs on the truth, thus CLARITY in our recovery causes craziness to fade.

This week, practice finding the truth in your situation, void of your past story-lines. Seek clarity over crazy-making thoughts. Search for solace inside the depths of your heart and soul, and quiet your mind.

Know that it takes a true survivor to recover from the madness we call addiction. You are one and so is your partner....and you both are worth it.

Namasté,

Candice

NOTE: If you are a sex addict wanting to get a jumpstart on your recovery, or a tune up on core concepts in recovery, I am offering a gender specific Recovery Start Kit Workshop on Saturday Oct 18 (women) and Saturday Oct 25th (men). Email me for details on cost, time,the Recovery Start Kit, etc.

Be Resilient, Even In Your Darkest Hour

This past weekend, I had the honor and privilege of being in a room with 6 men and women who had the courage to take their recovery from trauma, addiction, and shame to the next level by attending my bi-annual Mastering the Trauma Wound Workshop.

Six individuals that may not have known exactly what they were getting into, but nonetheless all extremely courageous and willing to go deep into the core of their wounds to guarantee they will have a better future.

That is Resiliency.

Victor Frankl, the much praised writer, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor who found the will to live in the midst of horror asked himself why some prisoners survived, and others did not. He found that,

Survivors develop reasons to live which gives them hope for a brighter future.

When I think of the amazing individuals I work with day in and day out who spend countless hours in individual therapy, groups, and workshops multiple times per week, dedicated to having a better life and future, I am in awe at their dedication to bouncing back especially in the depths of their darkest hours.  These are incredibly strong men and women who struggle with lapses and relapses, but continue to get up, brush themselves off, take the feedback for making improvements on their journey, and move forward.

Sometimes it can be hard to be hopeful, to have resiliency, especially when society, family members, and loved ones place judgment on one's struggle and don't seem to understand that change takes time and includes a lot of trips, falls. Especially since you have been practicing this maladaptive behavior since you were a child.

Learning new coping skills can be hard and scary, particularly because it takes so much time, energy, effort, and practice.

This is where resiliency comes into play.

Being able to bounce back in your darkest hour takes courage and strength, especially when you feel the outside world is continually judging your struggle. You could, after all, give up and quit, going back to your old ways of living. But the reality is, most of you reading this have tasted the sweetness of recovery, if only for a few minutes a day, and know that there is something better waiting for you.

It takes the utmost courage to face your addictions, aversions, and own who you truly are~authentic, pure, innocent.

Recovery takes a lot of time. There is not a timeline, like so many people assume. To change your brain, literally, you must practice on a daily basis new ways of thinking, feeling, behaving both non-sexually (or non-substance abusing, or non-denting, non-gaming, whatever your vice may be).

Some days will be easier than others. On the days that you struggle, reach out to someone who you know will be able to give you some hope, whether it is your partner, friend, a group member, someone from your anonymous group, your sponsor, therapist.

In time you will realize that it gets easier to bounce back. You will notice that you are able to brush off the negative core beliefs easier while holding onto your new positive core beliefs to help you reframe each situation. You will create new story-lines that give you lasting hope, not the feeling of despair or shame that you have felt for so long.

We were all born with resiliency, and as children we had a natural, innate ability to bounce back. It is time to reconnect with that ability even if it takes courage and support.

Today, notice if you are feeling hopeful;  resilient. Explore why you feel this way and embrace the feelings. Also notice if you feel the opposite; despair, shame, and hopeless.  What may be causing these feelings, and what can you do to bounce back (i.e., talk to a safe person, journal, go to a meeting, group, talk with your therapist).

Always know that on this journey, you are not alone. You will get better; it just takes one step at a time, one moment at a time.

Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

NOTE: I am in the process of publishing my workbook Mastering the Trauma Wound. If you want to purchase one in the meantime, please contact me at: namasteadvice@gmail.com.

THE WORLD NEEDS YOU

I recently decided I wanted to fly a kite at a park near my house. The last time I flew a kite, I was 8 years old.  My father was in town after one of his military trips and took my siblings and I to a school near our house. We each got to fly our very own kites.

I bought a similar kite to the one I had as an 8 year old little girl. It was a small plastic barbie kite that cost me $1.50 at a children's toy store. Simple, but a beautiful symbol of one of the few good memories I had as a child. As I got ready to fly my barbie kite, I noticed that my heart started to flutter.

The 8 year old in me was eager to come out and play.

The wind quickly pulled her into the air.  She swayed back and forth, at times twirling suddenly, making whimsical shapes in the sky. She had a life of her own as she danced aimlessly through the warm afternoon air.

I was completely mesmerized as I looked up at her, amazed at  how easy it was for her to dance so fluidly, without a care in the world.  She looked so strong and powerful; a champion of the wind trusting it to keep her alive.  I felt so blessed to be right there with her,  holding her hand as we travelled together on this innocent, child-like melody.

I found myself reveling in this magical experience, wanting to stay there for hours in this playfulness of spirit. I was alive, free, dancing with her. This simple plastic barbie kite that I needed when I was an 8 year old little girl reminded me today of my purpose, which is to remind others of WHO THEY TRULY ARE free from the dark shadows of their addiction(s). I do this by mirroring strength, centeredness, fluidity and trust in the process, and by being fully alert in each moment with my clients.

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE. 

Sometimes you might forget what it is. However, it lives inside of you, waiting to be seen, heard, felt, and lived. It likely showed itself to you when you are young, and is evolving as you grow and change.

Like my childhood kite, we too are fluid and ever-changing Be-ings, similar to our purpose for being in this world, which also is an evolutionary process.

Some of the most creative, spiritual BE-ings on earth are those who have come from the darkest places including abuse, trauma, and addiction(s). Can you relate to this? Has your purposes been masked by your afflictions? Sometimes it may feel like a lot to acknowledge that:

THE WORLD NEEDS YOU. 

You have a divine purpose, and as you recover from whatever life has thrown your way, your purpose will continue to be revealed.

I have found in my own recovery that saying positive affirmations can get me through the most challenging of days:  One of my favorites for re-connecting me to my purpose is: "My life has a purpose and I matter."

Another affirmation that has worked to connect or re-connect me to my spirit of purpose is to say both morning and night (before bed) as I look in the mirror at myself: "Thank you for BE-ing in this world. I am truly inspired by you."

Finally, as I learned from one of my mentors, Deepak Chopra, sitting quietly and repeating these three questions before beginning my meditation practice, always leads me back to my life's purpose: "Who am I? "What do I want?" "What is my purpose?"

Sometimes it takes the simplest of reminders to re-connect us with why we are here.

Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Peeling The Layers Back

Lately, I have been craving artichokes. It's not like artichokes are like chocolate where they melt in your mouth like Reese's Pieces. But, for some odd reason, I have been craving this salty-bitter tasting vegetable.So, this weekend, I cooked an artichoke and decided to savor the entire experience. Not much to my surprise, as I began to slowly peel each layer back, my blogger mind started to wander to the work I do with the clients that I help to heal.

As a therapist and expert in the field of sex addiction and other process disorders (work, food, money), I work daily with some of the most courageous men and women and their loved ones as they peel layer after layer in attempt to understand the many facets to this complicated process disorder.

There indeed are so many layers necessary to explore in order to get to the heart of the matter; the actual truth in one's heart. I call this truth "authenticity," or one's "Functional Self" (FS). Once folks start to operate from their FS, they experience true and lasting recovery.

A person often enters treatment for a sex addiction (like any other addition, really) with many layers covering up who they truly are; primarily out of fear of rejection. Hence, the Protective Addict (PA) shows up to my office and is defensive, angry, argumentative, and guarded.

Many individuals wearing their PA masks will posture at times in an effort to keep their tough and bitter outer layer around them, not realizing that their illusive shell is transparent. Although it doesn't actually protect them, especially in treatment, they struggle to peel that initial layer back for fear of being exposed, judged and ridiculed.

Throughout the recovery process I gently (sometimes not so gently depending on how strong ones' addict's voice is) and continually remind folks, that recovery starts with realizing that with the sweet comes the bitter, and with the bitter comes the sweet. In time, and with a lot of practice, it gets easier to deal with each issue underneath the layers.

As we know, sex addiction is not about sex. It is an attachment disorder and an intimacy disorder that creates a need to escape and/or control challenging emotions such as vulnerability and shame.

Therefore, recovery is a matter of surrendering, of allowing yourself to trust the process along the way, even though it may taste bitter at times, especially as you explore your past trauma and the addictive behaviors that have resulted.

As each layer is uncovered, you will start to realize that there is a clear sense of why you chose this particular addiction-sex, love, relationships. You will start to understand the relationship between childhood trauma (big and little traumas) and your choices of coping via porn, compulsive dating, chatrooms, anonymous sex. You will begin to gain insight and clarity into yourself and what it takes for you to have lasting recovery.

As you peel back layer upon layer, you will also realize that you must do so in consultation via a therapist, an on-going therapy group, and SA, SLAA, SAA and a Principles group. As we know, in isolation the addict's deviousness and deception takes hold. It is through consultation that we stay accountable in our recovery.

As you near the heart of your recovery, your relationships will improve, and you will be able to demonstrate the honesty and vulnerability necessary for true and lasting non-sexual and sexual intimacy. You will no longer crave the same old escape routes via sex, but will practice having real connections with your partner, loved ones, and peers.

Once you connect with your heart, you will begin to linger in happiness and inner peace longer, realizing that what you once tried so hard to escape from was an innocent child; YOU. You will savor the bitter as it has given you the sweet and allowed you to become the bright, shiny star that you always were.

You will come to realize that when you stay connected to your heart center, you remain in recovery. By now, your drive to continue to practice your healing tools will outweigh any addictive thinking or behaving. Although you may still have triggers, you will have gratitude for the layers, for the bitter tastes along the way have brought you here.

Today, see what layer you need to peel back to start or continue your recovery process. Can you find the sweet amidst the bitter taste it may bring with it?

Remember, as always you are worth it. Namasté, Candice

Note: We have some really exciting things happening at Namaste Center for Healing! Check out our website: namasteadvice.com, "Groups/Workshops" for more information.

Our Deepest Desire

One of the primary things I emphasize with men and women healing from intimacy disorders is this:

"The non-sexual always leads to sexual."

This is true in both a healthy and un-healthy sense. Especially if you look at it from the framework that sexuality is but a manifestation of our deepest desires. For instance, some individuals with intimacy disorders who long for validation will seek it via massage parlors, while others seek validation via chat rooms and one night stands. Those that seek to escape the pressures of their world often turn to porn (fantasy world). 

Individuals who were bullied as a youth have a tendency to become exhibitionistic both non-sexually and sexually; for example, having to be the life of the party, center of attention, have all eyes on them; or they have had sexual encounters where they control being exploited, i.e., stripping, exposing their sexual body parts in public.  People that tend to voyeur ("Peeping Toms or Peeping Tinas") grew up feeling like an outsider in their world.   Note: these examples are not an exhaustive list.

The challenge and opportunity in recovery is to understand that sexual behavior is a mere demonstration of a deeper longing. Once an individual connects with what they truly NEED, then they are able to start to work towards healing.  This is easier said than done, especially since everyone I have ever worked with that has an intimacy disorder has survived some form of trauma. They have never learned how to ask for what they need and many don't even know what it is that they actually do need in the first place.

"What do I Long For?"

Take a minute and ask yourself this question. Make a list. Notice that your list likely entails: unconditional love, acceptance, approval, and validation.

These are typically the main things that people need but never received as a child,  i.e., from parents, siblings, authority figures, or peer groups.

"What are my deepest desires?"

Pick your top 3 desires and ponder them; write about them. Talk with someone you feel safe with about this list. Notice that what you wrote or thought about is likely the same as what you long for and probably non-sexual. For those who don't know how to get their needs and deepest desires met, they will turn the non-sexual need into a sexual need because it is a "quick" fix; an escape from the frustration of not having their needs met. It also alleviates the emotional discomfort they feel most of the time.

"What do I need?"

This may seem like the other two questions, but it is actually different-often harder to answer. Notice that you may not know what you need in this moment. However, if you start to practice asking yourself this question in every situation and every encounter, you will start to connect with your deeper self;  that part of you that knows exactly what you need to feel cared for and loved.

Take time this week to begin to practice asking these questions. Notice that as you connect with your deeper longings, desires, and needs, you can start to enrich the relationship with yourself and your loved one. Ask your partner the same questions.

You are worth it. 

 Namasté (The divine in me honors the divine in you),

Candice