Addicted to Love: What do you REALLY crave?

My favorite quote right now is: "The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is."

The same can be said for being addicted to love. Love is not the illusion. However, being addicted to another person  is. The belief that another person's "love"can give us self-esteem is flawed. Especially since the result would be having other-esteem, not our own. It is important to explore the definition of love addiction; the most recent of which entails "a condition characterized by severe, pervasive and excessive interest toward a romantic partner" ("Love Addiction….", 2014, Medscape.com).

This pre-occupation towards another person is often at ones' own expense, leading to self-deprivation as one obsesses over the other for attention, affection, validation, and love.Love addiction, as is the case with sexual addiction, is considered an attachment disorder, along with a desire to escape uncomfortable emotions and situations associated with one's past.

Adults with love addiction (like sex addiction) typically come from rigid families, a history of emotional, physical abuse or sexual abuse and/or neglect, and have a deep-seated feeling of being inherently flawed.

Do you find yourself addicted to someone in the name of "love"?

You may not feel addicted, perhaps, but you may find yourself  pre-occupied with someone else. Whatever is the case, ask yourself, "What is my preoccupation with another person really about? Can they give me the love, validation, acceptance, I crave? Or does this desire come from  someone or something in my past that I need to explore and resolve?"

When folks tell me that their current addiction to another person has nothing to do with their past, it is evident that they are in denial. After all, if one comes from a healthy childhood, they will more often than not demonstrate that which was learned~healthy behavior~ in their relationships.  Our own sense of shame,  the belief that I am bad, leads us to seek out people, situations, and things to help us feel better and often escape our pain.

In the case of someone that is love addicted, the person of interest becomes like a drug. Without them, one experiences withdrawal, feelings of  irritation,  often irrational, racing thoughts, severe anxiety, depression, and in some cases, destructive and dangerous behavior.

If you feel like you are addicted to love, there is hope. There are things you can do (besides jumping into another relationship) to heal from love addiction. Here are some suggestions:

1. Attend individual therapy and begin exploring unresolved childhood issues. 2. Read a book on love addiction (Pia Mellody's book Facing Love Addiction is wonderful). 3. Attend a support (SLAA for example) or therapy group to develop healthy intimacy skills 4. Explore the anxiety that comes up when you are not around your person of interest; process your feelings with a safe person. 5. Learn tools for self love and self care (this takes much practice and is often learned in therapy). 6. Create your own hobbies and interests (i.e., exercise, yoga, social groups) 7. Learn skills for detaching and having healthy boundaries. By detaching you will start to learn healthy ways of attaching.

And as always, know that:

You are Worth It.

*Your worth is not dependent on another's approval of you. You are of value simply because you exist in this world.*

Namasté,

Candie

*Join Candice Saturday, June 14th from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. for her annual Healing Financial Disorders Seminar. Tuition is 4 payments of $50 starting the day of the seminar, or $175 if paid in full by June 14th. Free book included. Two seats left! Email Candice today! 

Embrace Your Pain.

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is Optional"-Haruki Murakami Have you ever avoided feeling a painful emotion out of fear that you would die? You may initially say, "Well no, logically I haven't feared I would die because of something I felt."

However, if you take a moment to really think about it, you will likely be able to connect with that part of you~your "vulnerable child"~ that is actually afraid that if you feel similar emotions related to your childhood, you will actually die. It is just too painful, right?

As children, many of us were faced with situations that were simply too enormous to mentally handle. Thus, many people do what they can to forget about the painful moments, specifically drugs, alcohol, other substances or processes (sex, over eating, debting) in order to avoid feeling the painful emotions they originally felt.

Our current relationship dynamics remind us of our past experiences; thus our past emotions. We hold trauma in our cells (note: what is traumatic for one person may not be for another). If we grow up and have not resolved our past, we will literally replay and relive it in our current relationships. We may be older, look different, and have more wisdom, but the emotions stuck in our body will continue to rear their head until we address them. 

What if you were to embrace your pain? What if you allowed yourself to fully embrace what you are feeling; you surrendered to it? What if you said to yourself, "I can let myself feel any emotion that I choose?" What might happen? Take it a step further, what if you were to express your pain? 

Some of you may say, I can't…I fear the emotional consequences if I feel or express what I feel(Deepak Chopra, 1997, p. 175). This is often the "protective" part of you that thinks it is protecting you but really isn't. For many, this part is their addict talking.

Consider what the emotional consequences will occur if you allow yourself to feel your pain and share it with your loved one? Take a minute and mentally list the possible consequences. Now take it a step further:  Ask yourself, "What are the actual emotional consequences if I don't feel my pain fully and  if I continue to avoid sharing it with my spouse or loved one?" Mentally list the actual emotional and physical consequence if you are not authentic with feeling and sharing your emotions.

The reality is that you can and will survive ANY emotion. After all, you have already experienced what you consider to be too much to handle.

"…whatever you consider to be too much fear, too much loss, too much humiliation, disapproval, too much rejection has already happened" ~Deepak Chopra

The past is over. Can you let it stay there? Painful emotions that continue to arise are beautiful gifts. They remind us that we have been pushing them away and therefore need to deal with them once and for all.

The illusion that someone or something outside of us keeps us feeling our emotions is not true. What we are now holding onto is of our own choosing. Choose differently if you want to feel differently.

Tonight, tomorrow, the rest of this week, and on an on-going basis, I invite you to let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling.

Practice the following (adapted from The Path to Love, Chopra, 1997, p. 177):

• Ask your emotion what it has to tell you or tell it you want to take a deeper look at it
• Write down what you are feeling and what part of you it is coming from (vulnerable child, protective addict or avoidant, or your true, functional self)
• If certain situations continue to trigger the same emotion, ask yourself what it is that you need to learn in order to change
•  Talk through it in therapy  or with a safe person (especially if the emotions are really strong and intense)
• Find a healthy way to share it with your spouse or loved one. Doing this will free yourself up to embrace the many gifts that emotions have to offer you.

You are always SO worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

*Join Jenny Jo Tuttle, LCSW, CSAT-S,  an expert in treating individuals, partners and couples with intimacy disorders and multiple addictions as she facilitates our monthly Relationship Recovery Skills Class Tuesday, 5/26/14 from 6-7:30 p.m. $45 per person/$65 per couple. RSVP namasteadvice@gmail.com.

The Duality of Love

"We are surrounded by images pretending to be love" ~ Deepak Chopra (The Path to Love, 1997, p.24). Every day, in large part due to social media, we are bombarded by advertisements and images of sex, romance, and what we have learned to believe is "love." We are told what to buy, how to change our appearances, and ways to improve our social status in order to attract the "perfect" mate.  However, what we have learned is not real love or even intimacy, nor is it romance or sex. It is an illusion that breeds both fear and scarcity and a constant search for the next "fix". 

This ultimately creates duality: the idea that there is a right/wrong way to be, look, do, and have, as well as good vs. bad. Such dualities leave us believing that parts of ourselves are unloveable and therefore separate from others. This belief that we are separate from others, particularly our spouse, does not serve us. It creates this false belief that "If only I could find someone to love me, my feeling of separateness would be healed. Yet, Love doesn't EVER depend on externals. Love Is Internal.

"Love is Spirit.Spirit is the Self"~Deepak Chopra

What happens is that we detach from ourselves~from spirit~early on, thus creating a life-long search for someone to fill the void of lost innocence. We get addicted to people and things in hopes of filling that void or removing the pain associated with this duality.  In our quest for external love and fulfillment, we create separateness which fuels our feelings of unworthiness and being alone. The act of going inward to re-connect with our true essence of love~of spirit~ is the first step towards recovery from anything. Though at times it may seem daunting, recovering spirit, thus pure love, is the ONLY way we will ever heal. 

To Diminish Duality, We Must Go Inward.

As Deepak Chopra says,

"Asking 'What is spirit?' is just a way of asking 'Who am I?'

There isn't spirit outside of you. You are It…..You feel love towards another because in spirit you are infinite love" (The Path To Love, 1997, p. 33).

Read that statement again….and again, and again. Breathe it in fully and deeply.  That is big, isn't it? This idea that YOU ARE SPIRIT; that there is nothing outside of you that can connect you to your pure essence: that which is LOVE.

I realize at this point that some of you might be feeling internally rattled after reading the above paragraph. All of this talk of love and spirit coming from the inside might feel like a bit much and even like fluff.

But what if it is ALL true? What if what you have been seeking via your addiction is actually inside of you waiting to be heard and seen, opened and discovered?

Take a minute and ask yourself "Who Am I?" and see what happens. What words come to mind? Do you start to define yourself based on your job or role in your family? Do you belittle yourself with labels and judgment? Or do you pause and think, "I don't know?"

Many people that come to therapy for addictions (both addict and spouse) respond with the latter statement, followed by a look of bewilderment. I assure them that this is normal, as they have forgotten who they truly are as the ravages of their addiction took over all aspects of their lives. Our primary role at Namaste Center for Healing is to re-connect our clients with who they truly are (hence "Namaste"~honoring the divine in you).

What if you were to let go of this idea that you are separate, starting with noticing when you feel separate from your partner or loved one (including your children)? What if you allowed yourself to notice the one-ness that exists within all of you? What if you were to stop seeking love on the outside and used kinder, more loving words with yourself from the inside? How might your relationships and life look differently? Practice going inward today, this week. See what happens when you seek from the inside.

Always Remember, You are Worth It.

Namasté,

Candice

**Reminder: Sign up for my Financial Workshop that is on June 6th, 2014 and learn tools for healing your relationship with money as well as understand the interwoven relationship between money and sex/intimacy. Space is limited so email me today!

How to Navigate Through Your Relationship In A Healthy Way

Remember the movie Titanic?  Such a beautiful, state of the art ship that seemed perfect; able to contain an enormous amount of life! It was filled with so many wonderful stories, new and lasting partnerships, and an incredibly bright future.

The Titanic seemed unsinkable and indestructible; it was as if nothing could stop it.  From the outside it looked like it had everything it needed to succeed, right? Unfortunately, it wasn't the design of the glorious Titanic that brought it to it's demise. The real threat to that amazing ship was underneath the waterline; that which was unseen.

Had the captain been able to navigate in a way that he would have known what was below the waterline, the course could have been changed, and the ship, as well as many lives, could have been saved.

We can liken relationships to the Titanic in that the idea of them is absolutely amazing, giving us a sense of joie de vivre (enjoyment of life), a sense of pure happiness. Through relationships, we create new and lasting stories where we celebrate partnerships that provide both unconditional love, as well as a sense of hope for a brighter future.

Yet, while relationships seem like they are indestructible in the beginning, they are quite vulnerable to that which is unseen. Along with this, if we are ill-equipped to navigate through our relationships in a healthy way, we are at risk of losing what we have worked so hard at creating.

Many people want to avoid talking about or looking at the unseen. Most people would rather brush it under a big dusty rug than address it. However, it is in having information that we have the ability to respond, hence responsibility, and can navigate through our relationships in a healthier way. We can be the captains of our own relationSHIP.

I am a huge proponent of relationships and believe that ANY relationship can work void of any sort of violation of anthers' human rights (i.e., domestic abuse that includes physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual assault).Even when there is an addiction, including an intimacy disorder (sexual addiction), I believe that if the unseen is known, then the relationship can navigate it's way to a safe and healthy shore. The caveat to this is that both parties (addict and partner) in the relationship must be willing to do the work to re-stabilize and re-learn the rules of the new couple-ship. 

Take a moment and think about the issues in your relationship that  you might be avoiding, sweeping under that big dusty rug, or that are or have been unseen for awhile. Are there issues that you know are problematic that you and/or your partner is not addressing? Or, are there issues that you believe are your partner's problem such as an addiction to alcohol or porn that you think they need to solve without you being a part of the recovery process?

Regarding this last question, whenever there is an addiction, our clinical team strongly encourages both the spouse and addict to get therapy so that they can both learn new tools for navigating through their relationship in a healthier way together. Both get to be the Co-Captains of your RelationSHIP. If one person learns new tools and the other doesn't, it often creates even more unforeseen challenges and frustrations in the relationship that in some unfortunate cases, cause the relationship to sink.

Along with looking at the unforeseen issues in a relationship, many folks often struggle to see the good traits and qualities in their partner because their own past trauma and pain clouds their vision.

Therefore, they point the finger at their partner, continually blaming them for their pain. If you are someone that does this, I encourage you to recall who you fell in love with in the beginning of your relationship. As Deepak Chopra says in one of my favorite books, The Path to Love (1997),  "The goal of the [path to love] is to transform your awareness from separation to unity. In unity we perceive only love, express only love, are only love"(p.35).

It is through awareness of the unseen issues both challenging as well as positive, and a commitment to navigate through those issues in a healthy way, that relationships can remain steadfast and strong, unbreakable, unsinkable. Today, this week, this month, forever, I encourage you to be the Captains of Your RelationSHIPs.  Acknowledge the un-seen and make a solid commitment to work to create safety, intimacy, and health with your loved one.

You are Worth It.

Namasté,

Candice

Affirmations: Are you focusing on the Positive or the Negative?

It has often been said that the two most important words in the English Language are "I AM." In religious and spiritual contexts, these two words have been directly attributed to one's higher power; with "I Am" literally being God. 

Many modern day healers and spiritual gurus, including Louise L. Hay and Wayne Dyer, have talked at length about the power of these two words impacting both our perception as well as our literal experience of reality. In various forums we are reminded: "You are what you think, so choose your words wisely. " Even certain recovery-based groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, encourage members to introduce themselves with "Hi, my name is _______ and I AM an alcoholic." For many reasons, this type of introduction, especially in this context, makes sense, as accountability is essential in order to support individuals in taking full responsibility for their addiction(s). If this is indeed true, this idea that "I Am" are the two most important words that can be spoken, then I can only imagine from the negative self talk I sometimes hear inside my head, how much we as a society affirm so many things that we DO NOT want. 

For example, take a minute to reflect on the first things you thought of as you awoke this morning.How many negative affirmations that included "I am" ran through your mind? When you looked in the mirror or put on your clothes, did you think or say, "I am so fat, I am so ugly," or  "I am bad, I am unworthy, I am unloveable, I am not good enough, I am poor, I am sick, I am so tired, or I am so tired of…", etc. etc.? 

You may currently be living in a situation that you are really tired of, or really sick of; your feelings are valid. And yet, there may be a different way to think or say this so that you don't experience the repercussions of the negative thoughts that you think or say. I realize that some of you may be thinking, "This is hokey-pokey crap. Our thoughts don't control our physical well-being." However, research has shown for quite some time now that stress, including negative thinking, can impact our physiology.

This is why so much research over the past decade has been done to show that meditation changes both our brain as well as our physiology; after all, when we relax, we let go of all negativity and resistance. When our minds grow quiet from all the negative chatter, our brains and bodies know how to heal.  Notice if you are tensing up right now.  Is there any part of you that is resisting the idea that you actually control your thoughts and experiences by using words such as "I Am" followed by positive words?To be clear, I am not saying you control your spouses, loved ones, or others' thoughts, actions,  or experiences. However, I AM saying that you control your own. 

Even with me saying all of this, notice how your mind wants to take you back to a negative statement, "Yeah but I am still fat" or "Ok I get the concept but I am still a bad person for…."Many folks  can understand this concept intellectually but internalizing it is quite a challenge. I get this way of thinking. Especially since I have worked for most of my life to manage and heal my depression and anxiety. I realize that it can be easier to spout off negative "I am" statements than positive ones, especially if we have done it our whole lives. But, what do you have to lose by practicing positive "I am" statements, even if it is just for today?

If you practice negative affirmations, you create more of what you don't want. After all, we truly see what it is that we believe, and therefore, believe what we see. By changing from a  negative to a positive self statement, each of our own realities become a totally new and different, positive experience!

The world is suddenly not out to get us; we see that it is out to embrace us, love us, and help us prosper. People are no longer mean or cruel, they are doing the best they can with what they have. We see others with with compassion and loving eyes, even if we are hurt by them. We start to understand that lessons are not here to punish us; they are here to teach each of us our divine purpose and path. We find that the darkness we are living in today is not long-lasting; it has a beautiful and glorious light (which is our inner light). It starts with you. It starts with me. It starts with WE. It starts with "I Am" followed by a positive affirmation.

"I am hopeful." " I am doing my best in every moment." I am a good person even if I make poor choices sometimes. "  "I am forgiving" and so on...

So, here is your chance. Starting today, notice how negative your self statements are, and change them to a positive "I Am" statement. For instance, instead of thinking,  "I am a bad person," think, "I am a good person who has made some poor choices, but I am doing what I can to change."

Note: If you have a tendency to point the finger and say "You are…." and blame others for your actions, you have a little more work to do. First, change your blaming statement to "I Am" followed by a statement of accountability. Then, move into a more positive and pro-active I Am" statement. Also, if you have a tendency to say things like "I am better than them" see if you can soften your language so that your are non-judging.

It starts with YOU. Yes, you are this powerful. Change the way you think, and you will change the way you live. You are worth it, so think or say, "I AM worth it!"

Namasté, Candice