Happiness: What Is Keeping You from Well-Being?

I have been exploring the concept of happiness lately, specifically from the Buddhist perspective. My exploration has caused me to ponder: Is happiness fleeting? Meaning, does it come, go, pass through us, even pass us by at times? Or, can we connect with happiness at any time if we choose?

And, what if someone is feeling depressed? Is it still possible to connect with an inner happiness on their own, or does it require outside assistance (i.e., therapy, medication)? From a clinical perspective, as well as having my own personal experience with depression at times, feeling depressed sometimes requires the support of a safe person to talk to, as well as a brief period (sometimes longer) of taking medication to assist in stabilizing one's mood.

This is especially true when one or more significant and challenging events occurs in our lives and we do not have the inner resources to face the looming dragon of depression and fear. Therefore, getting outside support while we strengthen our inner resources is often beneficial. With that being said, wanting our happiness to come from the outside creates a separate sense of self because we are constantly thinking that something is always missing. Thus, we keep happiness at bay in our search for the next best thing (or fix).   

We are actually hard wired to pursue gratification while avoiding any sense of threat; this is embedded in our DNA. So, even in this day and age when we get what we want, we often feel like it is not enough. We get stuck in this illusive, fear based way of thinking that there is NEVER enough, and even worse, that there is never going to be enough.

We often crave something different, something more. We  crave love, safety, an "easy" way to feel better. This often leads to addiction; wanting what we want when we want it from something or someone, and at any and all costs.

One of the sayings I tell people in recovery is, "You must go IN to go out, not the other way around." Meaning, what we each seek IS WITHIN US. It is not without us.

The core teaching of the Buddha is this: The source of all suffering is that we want life to be different. 

When we fixate on an outward mode of happiness, the idea that "I have to have…" we suffer. We suffer because we are fighting with reality; we are arguing with the truth of this very moment. When the conditions we want to be happy are not there, we inevitably are going to feel pain.

Ask yourself: "How often do I attach to something outside of myself thinking it will bring me happiness or well-being?

Whether it is money, sex, losing weight, a nicer home, a better car, more romance, my partner showing me more love or support, or  kindness (etc., etc.); a higher paying job?" Is it really possible for you to feel lasting happiness from something or someone else?" Why or why not? What is truly between you and happiness  (i.e. with your weight, with money, in your relationship, etc)? Notice how often you say, "If only…." For instance, "If only my spouse would … then I'd be happy" or "If only I had … I would be feel better" etc.

Does this way of thinking really serve you?

Here are some helpful things to say and do for yourself daily, starting now:

• Nothing is missing in this moment. I have everything I need right here and now
• I am SAFE. I AM OK. This is just sensation
• I am always taken care of and provided for; I have proof of this!
• There is nothing between myself and my inner well-being
• Make a daily list at least 3 things you appreciate in your life (there is a lot to be thankful for!!):  For instance, your health, life, relationships (even if you are struggling), lessons and learning, children, pets, being able to breathe air, having a roof over your head, a car that runs, your family, recovery, a sponsor, another day, an inspiring book? friends, etc.).

• *Note:  I write a gratitude list daily and have done so for years now. It creates increased abundance and well-being when we acknowledge what we already are, do, and have in our lives.*

~YOU ARE WORTH IT (practice saying this too!)

Namasté, Candice

Parenting Yourself: Sometimes the hand you need to hold is yours...

"Your parents did the best they could (and still are)."  For many, this statement is a difficult one to grasp. Especially if one's childhood was not ideal (for most people, this is the case).

Folks oftentimes argue that their parents "should have known better." Sure, we could all "know better" if we are given the healthy resources and tools. However, a lot of parents (especially the older generations) have used the skills they observed from their parents, or they did the best they could to parent on their own,  for instance, if their parent(s) were absent or abusive.

What if it is to our benefit to have had parents that did the best they could? What if we were supposed to realize and embrace that we are each the evolved version of them? If you have your own children, what if they are the evolved version(s) of you?

This is a really beautiful concept; after all, we each have the enormous capacity to evolve into amazing, bright, glorious spirits as a result of our parents best and very human efforts to teach us. Even if the lessons are challenging and extremely hard.

Indeed, some lessons we learn from our parents (and even our entire family) seem harder than others. However, what we do with the lesson is truly up to us. We can follow in their footsteps, or do the complete opposite.

If we came from a dark and painful upbringing, wouldn't it behoove us to shine as brightly as we can, reminding our inner child that we are safe, ok, and that what we presently feel is just sensation from our past?

Our inner children indeed still live inside of us reminding us that they are here through primal reactions, often times triggered by the words and actions of our loved ones.

Therefore, we must parent ourselves (or as I often say, "re-parent" ourselves). We must hold our own hand and reassure that little girl or boy inside that they are ok. They are perfect just as they are in this moment, and the shame that they actually carry is not theirs to hold onto.

If you started today to (re) parent yourself, to hold your own hand and reassure your little 5-8 year old inner child that he/she is truly ok, that you are protecting him/her from harm and loving them the way in which they deserve, how might your interactions with yourself change? With others? I realize this may seem foreign, scary, even awkward. However, I encourage you to do this exercise.

Some of you may feel like you do not know how connect with your inner child. If this is the case, find a picture of you when you were 10 or younger (the younger the better). Write a letter to yourself at that age, asking him/her various questions. What would you want to know about you if you just met? His, her age? Favorite color, greatest fear and hope, etc., etc. Then switch hands and using your non-dominant hand, and let that little child inside of you answer.

Watch what happens! This is a very powerful exercise that many people are too scared to do. It will reveal SO much amazing information about that small you that lives inside, waiting to be heard, waiting to be set free.

I would also encourage you to find things that you love to do that are spontaneous, healthy risk-taking (void of any addictive behavior), and playful. What would you LOVE to do that you don't allow for yourself? Children are amazing at play, pretend, being free, trustworthy, open. Where did these attributes in you go? Are you willing to recover them if you've lost them in adulthood?

In time, if you make a concerted effort  to connect with your inner child (I suggest daily), you will learn how to parent yourself in a more loving and healthy manner. This will in turn assist you in parenting your own children, and if you don't have any children, then your pets, or other loved ones.

Remember, you are SO worth it.

Namasté, Candice

Lighten Up

There are no accidents and everything happens for a reason. Divine grace lives within us all as a glowing internal light, if only we could learn how to tap into it regularly....

Beautiful, isn't it? This notion that every single thing happens for a reason. Think about it; are things really as finite as they seem; with solid beginnings and endings? Or are they more fluid and ever-changing? Isn't change the only constant? What if we were taking this life of ours way too seriously and way too personally? Forgetting that we all have a divine purpose, and it is truly up to us to figure out what it is?

What if we each get to experience some form of suffering as a way to fully honor and embrace the joyful resonance of our own existence as well as that of others? Doesn't change cause that? How many of you would rather stay the same, be comfortable with the uncomfortable, than change, grow, and expand? Each of us are so incredibly divine, and we come to this earth with a beautiful path layed out in gold for us. Some of us decide to walk the path early, and some decide to walk along other paths. We all learn, no matter where it is we travel.

However, the goal, if we choose a long and hard path, is to learn how to honor ourselves and others instead of continuing to hurt ourselves and/or others.  Are your eyes open, or are they closed? Are you learning something on your journey, or are you determined to stay stuck?

This concept of lightening up is an internal one, as it requires us to literally find joy and humor in the day to day, as well as connect with spirit. "Spirit" is an internal process of finding our internal light and shining it onto the world. It is different than worshipping something outside of ourselves. It is learning to embrace your own divinity; your own internal light.

So, how can you get there? How can you get to the place where you shine your beautiful, internal light, where you find humor in the day to day, where you lighten up your world and others?

Here are some tools:

1. Don't take things so seriously or personally. My mom used to  tell me this when I was a child. I was very serious and intense  at times. She actually used the term, "Lighten up" in a loving way. Today, I finally understand what she meant. Are you taking things too personally? Are you making someone else's issue your own? What is yours and what is theirs? Hand it over.

2. Focus on letting your own light shine bright. This is especially important if you have a tendency of wanting to make another's light shine (especially if theirs is dim). We have a tendency to do this with our loved ones. It is not our job and actually disempowers them from learning to shine their light brightly.

You can only control your internal light switch. You may, however, inspire those around you to shine their light by shining yours. Examples of this include: learning to laugh and smile at the joys in life, as well as being an inspiration to others by loving yourself wholeheartedly.

3. Change your perspective and your perspective will change. If you change your perspective from a dark and negative one to a positive, lighter one, I promise you that your perspective will change. You will see people, places, situations, and things in a whole new light! I call this reframing. When you find your perspective being dark, reframe it to a positive statement. In time your perspective will be positive.

4. Shine On. The best thing you can do for others is to shine your light. Shine bright! Do not shrink so that others feel comfortable. Do not own shame that is not yours! When we feel small we do not have as big of an impact as we are supposed to in this world, so it is important to not diminish your shimmer and glow for anyone else. Inspire the world by shining as brightly as you possibly can!

Remember, you are SO worth it.

Namasté, Candice

Longing...

The last few weeks have been rather challenging for me as I have missed my mother tremendously. More than a yearning to have her here on earth (she indeed is much more at peace in her new home), I have felt a deep-seated sadness and longing for that maternal connection I had with her since childhood.

This longing to be attached is a feeling that every child has with their parent(s) no matter how old they are or how dysfunctional their upbringing. Some are pre-occupied with it, while others avoid it. Some dismiss it, while others feel secure with it (few in my experience are truly securely attached).

We may not realize the desperate longing we have to be attached to someone, especially since as adults, this void quickly gets filled by a person, place, or thing. Sometimes our longing is filled by our partner or spouse; however, this is often temporary. After all, no one can truly fill our "voids" but ourselves.

Therefore, we begin to search for the quickest way to fill the unrequited void that creates our experience of suffering, of yearning, of longing....Hence why so many people end up with addictions/aversions (especially in the realm of intimacy disorders-love or sex addicted or even aversive to love or sex).

In an attempt to control or mask our sense of longing, we may also focus our attention on what our partner can or cannot do (for us), placing expectations, rules, guidelines, and standards for how they "should" be (I'd encourage you to quit "shoulding" on yourself or your partner if you do this).Then we spend most of our lives longing for something more, or less, or different because we don't know how to ask for what we truly want or need. Thus, the cycle of longing continues.

So, is longing helpful or harmful to one's peace of mind?

Longing may be helpful if it allows you the opportunity to go after your dreams in a healthy way. If it motivates you to reach for the stars while having daily appreciation for all the blessings of your current life. If it allows you to ask for what you need in an adaptive and pro-active way.

Longing is often harmful, however, when it creates false expectations, shaming, and finger-pointing at another person. When it keeps us from looking in the mirror at our own stuff; what we each bring to our relationships. When it keeps us separate from our loved ones and causes wedges that may be damaging long-term.

Take a moment and ask yourself these questions:  In what areas of my life do I find myself longing for something or someone? If I am in an intimate relationship and there are challenges, am I longing for things that are realistic and possible? Or are there things that I need to look at within myself and find peace with that by focusing outward may create a false sense of longing?

Ask yourself: In what ways do I point the finger with judgment and expectations, when in reality I simply long for my partner's love, or understanding, or accountability, or even an apology? Can I ask for what I want and need?

Can I let my longing be adaptive and inspiring, or does it drive me to act out in unhealthy and destructive ways?

So, while I have recently yearned for my mother's connection, I have found peace in knowing that this kind of longing is not helpful to me. It keeps me in a space of suffering, it renders me helpless, and increases my inner angst.

This week, when you notice you feel a sense of longing, take a moment and tune into it. Really feel it. Find the origin of it and see if you can respond to it from a healthy, mindful space. Write it down~journalling is an extremely beneficial way of gaining insight and wisdom!

Remember, you are SO worth it.

Namasté, Candice

We Are Fragile...

We are fragile, handle each other with care...

I recently lost someone very close and dear to my heart: my mother. The pain of something like this is truly indescribable. I was at a loss for words last week as I swam in deep and varied emotions that fluctuated between shock and dismay to numbness and unreality.  Thus, I was unable to write last week's Monday Meditation.

A lot can happen in one week, especially when there is something as impactful as a death. It can cause one to take quite a large and intentional step back and reflect on everything in their life: all their relationships both past and present, their life purpose, their values and belief system, their goals and dreams, even their character.

One thing I am being reminded of through this very difficult process is just how fragile we truly are, especially in relationship with others. There is such a delicate dance that takes place between the people we love. We have a tendency to forget that what we endure as innocent children and teens actually stays in our hearts and can cause us to be impacted on a very primal and intense scale as adults and with our families of origin~ especially if there is tragic event.

So what can we do with both ourselves and our loved ones that are still alive so that we are able to live our best lives as our best selves?

1. Handle yourself and others with care. If you were to imagine tape wrapped around your heart that says, "Fragile: Handle With Care" would you be more gentle on yourself? If you saw this sign on others, would you treat them differently (better perhaps)? Or would you continue to judge yourself and others as harshly as you may already? Be mindful that words often can cut like a knife, and actions can feel even worse (included in words are lies which can cut like the jagged edge of a dull knife, causing major infection and destroying a relationship).

2. Forgive yourself and everyone (especially your family, both biological and created): Forgiveness in my world means "letting go with compassion and self-protection." How is it working for you to hold onto resentment? Who really suffers?

Free yourself of the pain and take your power back with compassion for yourself and for the other person (after all, they are likely suffering too).  By letting go, you no longer allow yourself to stay chained to the past or present,including hurtful words or events. You are now free!

3. Be Accountable for Your Part: What part(s) of your relationships can you own? I.e., Do you have a hard time saying "sorry", or do you struggle with listening? Or do you have a hard time talking with your loved one(s) without being defensive or the opposite, do you mentally check out when the going gets tough? Along these lines, what parts are you owning that are not yours? Where are you being too accountable (i.e., taking on other people's issues and problems). How does this keep you from finding your truth and embracing your own essence, purpose, and divinity? Be accountable for your part, and only your part. There is grace in this...

4. Practice living in Grace. I was told several times this past week that I handled my mom's transition, including her memorial with grace. Uncertain of the exact definition of the word grace, I looked it up. The definition that resonated with met the most is: "A disposition or act of kindness." What, if anything, would change in your life,  if your actions and your words emanated self-kindness, or rather, grace?

In this amazing and yet challenging time we live in, we must remember how fragile we are. Although we may look grown up, our hearts are often wrapped with bubble wrap and tape that says, "Fragile: Handle With Care." This week, practice seeing yourself and others from this space. Let yourself be mindful of what you say to yourself and to others; forgive (let go!), and live in grace. You will feel lighter and more connected to your inner divinity, I promise.

Remember, you are SO worth it.

Namasté,

Candice