Stop hustling for Your Worth

This month, consider this…

You have been hustling as a means of attaining self worth…

But the truth is, your self worth is NOT outside of you…

It’s not based on how many people like you, follow you, reassure you, comfort you, show up for you when you call (or call out to them), or stroke your ego … It’s the same thing with your value-it is not outside of you. Everything you need is right inside- within you.

• Stop seeking answers about yourself or your life via other people. You have all the answers.

• Take a risk, get quiet, and go inward and listen! Your higher self is trying to communicate with you!

• Stop resisting the truth- it only slows your divine growth spurts (and expansion) down.

• Stop avoiding doing your own work; it’s required on an on-going basis if you want to elevate (ascend) in this life.

• Stop lying to yourself and to other people. People who are tuned in can see right through your projections and distorted thinking.

• Stop acting like you’re better than other people. We’re all equal. We’re all one. We’re all a collective consciousness. Look what we’ve been choosing- we indeed can do better!

• Stop being passive aggressive and making  comments to make you feel better- it says more about you than the person you’re trying to make small.

• Stop projecting your shit onto others; own your shadow- people literally are serving you by mirroring back to you either what you love or hate about yourself-your false beliefs and made up stories based on old wounds are yours- no one else’s.

Your SELF LOVE is your SUPER POWER.

Read that again. Take that in.

If you’ve been pointing the finger, gossiping about others, finding yourself irritated by others, projecting, blaming - it’s a tell-tell sign that it’s time to take a look in the mirror.

• Who and what do you see? Are you self critical? To… fat, thin, tall, short….

• Do you compare yourself to others (they’re wealthier, more stable, happier, thinner, taller, smaller, more successful, have more)? Why? Where did your measuring stick for self-worth come from?

If you’ve been hustling to find your self worth, reassurance, comfort, safety in others, you’ll naturally do that with money too. So notice that…. Do you hustle for money at your own expense? Do you lack boundaries, allowing clients to have access to you 24/7? Are you short with those who love you because you struggle to set healthy boundaries in your work life?

You don’t need to “hustle” for money. Money is ENERGY; it’s the quickest energy we can manifest if we are in alignment with living in/ for the highest good, loving ourselves and others.

If you put yourself or others down, if you’re mean, passive-aggressive, jealous, in fear, anger, hurt, and/or projecting your shit onto others- you stop the FLOW of ALL abundance in your life. Including the flow of green energy (money).

So while Mercury is in Retrograde (April 21-May 14) and “K-Fuck radio” is blasting in your head, I gently invite you to:

• Be curious about the beliefs you have had about yourself; what are you telling yourself? Is it true? If not- why are you telling yourself these lies? If it is true and you don’t like it, are you willing to make the necessary changes? Mercury in retrograde offers us to revisit, reflect and resolve things that we have ignored, buried, pushed aside, compartmentalized. Healing what is revealed during this time allows us to elevate. That’s a good thing!

• Check your beliefs and stories about other people; notice where you’re projecting your shit onto others, own it, and GO WITHIN. Stop projecting and start to do your own work. If you think you’ve “arrived” and that your self work, your shadow work is done, you’re sorely mistaken. Your healing work on planet Gaia will never end. That is part of the blessing of choosing to be here.

• Check your ego; are you acting better than others or are you staying humble? Are you gossiping about others or are you practicing integrity? Are you being passive aggressive or are you supporting others’ progress? Are you making subtle jabs?

• Check the walls you have built around yourself; what are you afraid would happen if you were vulnerable and let people get close to really SEE who you are?

• Check who have you been closer to lately-notice if you are around parasites who want to use you or take from you for their own benefit; or if they are in your ear causing you to question yourself, your dearest friends, or loved ones that you normally trust and feel divinely aligned with. Take a look at why you have you attracted this person into your space. What are you supposed to learn (e.g., to have better boundaries, to stop playing small and own your divine light, to trust yourself over others….)?

This Mercury retrograde can indeed be a challenging one if you allow it to be. How to get through it with more ease?

• Surrender

• Trust the process

• Go with the flow

• Lean into LOVE.

Remember- SELF LOVE IS YOUR SUPER POWER- and you’ll know how much you love yourself by how you’re treating others this month. Start by taking a personal inventory…. What about YOUR energy do YOU get to clean up over the next month?

I will continue to send Infinite love and light Always. In All Ways.

Candice

Photo credit: Macrovector; freepik.com

"What if it is true?"

I recently had a deeply painful encounter that felt like a poison arrow stabbing me at my core. Someone I know said some incredibly hurtful things to me, claiming I said and did things; I recalled the situation completely different. As they called me names and spewed venom at me, I felt my heart close off and my inner love-light dim with sadness. By the time I went to bed that night, the sadness in my heart turned to a ball of fury. I felt the parts of me that are fiery dragons step forward. They kept me up at night, ready to fight, defend, destroy.

I awoke at 4:30 a.m. the next morning and got up to meditate in our living room by the fire. I turned on my spotify station, "Native American Flute Music for Meditation", closed my eyes, and turned inward.

I immediately heard a soft feminine voice whisper inside of me, "What if it is true?"

I sat with that question for a moment, then heard more....

"What if what this person said about you IS true?" This question was followed by a description of my shadow side; the parts of me that I have historically wanted to keep exiled deep within. Before I could answer, she generalized this question to include other areas of my life--"what if it is true that I have had questionable character at times, judged myself and others, gone against my own values and beliefs, bean hurtful and mean, not had good boundaries, lied, been selfish, and made unhealthy decisions?"

"What if all of this is true?

I took a deep breath in and felt my entire being start to relax. I then heard my own voice inside respond, "It is. It is all true."

I paused for a moment allowing this new and powerful realization to sink in.

I noticed a calm, compassionate clarity pour over my entire being as I continued to listen. "It is true that I am all these things. I have said and been and done ALL these things at times in my life." I paused, took a deep breath in and continued to allow my system to settle with this wisdom. I took another breath in and felt a weight lift as I heard, "If it is true, then what?"

.... I leaned into this question and sat with it...."Then what?"

In that moment, I heard, "Then you can be free."

And with that statement, it was as if an inner light bulb turned on inside of me. I could feel the utter freedom in embodying this level of accountability.

My body felt lighter and my spirit brighter having this new insight-- that my shadow side IS an important and integral part of me--or rather, it makes up many parts of me that I have deemed unacceptable. To ignore my shadow side--to avoid it, dismiss it, try to hide from it, or hide it from others (via blame, projection) would only serve to make it more difficult if not impossible for me to completely heal; and to help others heal.

Indeed it is necessary to befriend my shadow side, all the parts of me that I have historically been ashamed of, in order to fully embrace and embody who I truly am....I am Love, loving, light, bright, a truth seeker, a truth see-er and truth-teller, joy and rapture, kind, compassionate, funny, full of wisdom, free, and at peace. If I don't allow myself to embrace the truth of all of me, I also am unable to share who I truly am with the rest of the world. I am so much more.

At the end of my meditation I was reminded that love, including self love, is medicine. If we can learn to love ALL parts of ourselves, even the parts we are ashamed of, we can and will heal.

Sending you love and light tender souls,

Candice

Photo credit: Paul Meckes, Unsplash.com

Healing Microaggressions in Your Intimate Relationship

The word “microaggression” was coined by Derald Wing Sue, a Columbia University professor. He describes microaggressions as intentional or unintentional behaviors, insults, and indignities which demean, shame, marginalize, or outright intimidate individual groups of people (Planet, M., 2021).  

But microaggressions also happen in intimate relationships. For example, calling your partner names that demean their race, ethnicity, culture, neurodiversity, age, sexuality, or gender happen during arguments. All forms of attacking your loved one’s intersectional identities are contemptuous and damaging. This type of behavior often erodes self-esteem, well-being, as well as the relationship as a whole.

Many marginalized groups, Autistic adults included, experience abuse in their relationships. Research indicates that Autistic adults experience more teasing/emotional bullying in adulthood and greater sexual contact victimization. Anecdotal stories from Autistic adults revealed that many have experienced gaslighting as well as being manipulated based on our trustworthiness in their intimate relationships.

Likewise, microaggressions can be used against an Autistic person by the way their partner talks about their Autism. For example, blaming the person’s Autism for all the issues in the relationship, insulting the person using their Autism as the primary means to attack, shaming or demeaning the person for being Autistic. These forms of attack are incredibly damaging to the Autistic person as a whole and often reinforce their feelings of chronic rejection, low self worth, and lack of intrinsic value (among other feelings).

So what can couples do if there is this type of abuse in their relationship?

1. Name that this is happening. This may need to be named/called out/addressed/identified in a therapy session if it doesn’t feel safe to address it alone as a couple due to volatility in the relationship. Naming that this type of abuse is happening in the relationship is crucial to begin to identify why this is happening and how to make changes.

2. Explore(with a therapist) when this type of abuse began happening in the relationship, not from a place of blame but rather from a place of curious inquiry….do not explore this during an argument or fight.

3. (With a therapist) Learn ways to communicate each other’s needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams, frustrations, wishes. The Gottman’s Seven Principles For Making a Marriage Work Workbook is one of my favorite tools to use with Mixed or Same Neurotype couples because the instructions around communication are explicit with scripts.

4. Practice taking a time out if communication gets heated since our ability to listen and think clearly diminishes when our heart rate increases. Starting out by saying, “I love you, I am committed to us. I need a time out for (name how long). I am going…(if you are leaving).” This reassures the person with rejection sensitivity that you are coming back and still committed to the relationship.

5. Did I mention working with a couples therapist? I cannot stress enough how helpful couples therapy can be with the right therapist who understands Autism and neurological-different relationships.

Relationships are challenging for anyone regardless of neurotype. Having some key tools and strategies to support one another so that both feel safe, as well as seen, known, heard, and understood can strengthen a relationship.

–Candice

photo credit: Honey Fang, Unsplash.com

References:

Chapman, R. (2019). 3 Ways Autistic Adults Experience Domestic Abuse — And 3 Ways To Stop It. Retrieved on October 29, 2022 from: https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/we-need-to-talk-about-the-domestic-abuse-of-autistic-adults/

Planet, M. (2021). Identifying and Overcoming Microaggressions directed towards Individuals with Developmental Conditions. Retrieved from: https://www.planetneurodivergent.com/identifying-and-overcoming-microaggression-directed-toward-individuals-with-developmental-conditions/

Weiss JA, Fardella MA. Victimization and Perpetration Experiences of Adults With Autism. Front Psychiatry. 2018 May 25;9:203. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00203. PMID: 29887806; PMCID: PMC5980973.

Celebrate The Micro-Wins In Your Relationships

Last year, I introduced the importance of enjoying daily micro-pleasures-the little pleasures that we experience on a daily basis to help us stay positive. Then I began a blog on my CandiceChristiansen.Com website and hyperfocused most of my attention to that blog (and growing Namaste).

But I want to circle back to this important topic of noticing and celebrating micro-pleasures and micro-wins. The Fall in Utah is gorgeous! I notice so many micro-pleasures in my life. For example: Cacao by Navitas which is like hot cocoa only healthier, still delicious and so good for you! More examples: at night I have celebrated the micro pleasure of snuggling in my cozy bed with my soft sheets and warm blankets. While driving I say outloud how beautiful the changing trees are, the sky, the mountains, even the humans all around me in other cars. I physically notice a shift of feeling pleasure in my body by doing this!

Similar to micro-pleasures, it’s important to celebrate the micro(small)-wins in our relationships. By relationships I mean all our relationship, not just our intimate ones-with people, with the earth, with our pets. And our relationship with our friends, family, children, siblings, colleagues, co-workers, boss.

You may be thinking: Why is it important to celebrate the micro-wins in our relationships? For one, we don’t do this enough. As I have shared before, we are a culture that is obsessed with Macro everything- “Go big or go home!” This entails our likes, wants, desires, things. You name it—it’s always got to be big, grandiose. What happens when we only focus on things that are big in our life is we miss all the little wins throughout our day. We also develop expectations that are insurmountable and when our expectations are way to high that even we can’t attain them, no one can, particularly our loved ones. We end up focusing on what our loved ones aren’t doing, the lack in our lives, which ends up making us miserable.

Some examples of micro-wins in a relationship include: Talking to a sibling who you haven’t talked to in awhile, going to lunch with your older parent who you haven’t seen since Covid, making up after a fight with your spouse, your teen coming to you to share about a stressful situation with a friend, enjoying quiet time together as a couple after the kids are put to bed, receiving a compliment from a client or customer, or your colleague or boss. When we focus on the micro-wins in our relationship, the things that make us feel appreciative, thankful, grateful, we start to feel lighter, better, a sense of ease and joy.

More importantly, it strengthens our attachment to our loved ones. This not only creates a feeling of love but in some cases a sense of safety so that if we run into conflict with our loved one, we have built up nuggets of appreciation that protect us from feeling rejected, having a relationship set back, or getting caught in what the Gottman’s call The Four Horsemen.

Try celebrating the Micro-Wins in all your relationship and see how it makes you feel. I know it has helped my mood and my interactions tremendously!

–Candice

Enjoying "Micro-Pleasures"

I have had zero inspiration to write for the past year which is the opposite of what my friends who are authors have said, "If it weren't for the Pandemic I wouldn't have written my book." Oh how I wish I wrote my Autism and Intimacy workbook last year! But I didn't. What is interesting is that I am actually a great writer (according to those around me), when my avoider parts give me some space so that I can put pen to paper.

Something interesting happened yesterday that re-awakened my desire to write again. Chris and I had the privilege of being interviewed by Caitlin Hansen and Brooke Mangum on their Living Unscripted podcast (click on the link to listen!). It indeed was an unscripted and raw conversation about our relationship, my autism diagnosis and why I am so passionate about helping autistic individuals and couples of various neurotypes, our personal stories, the challenges and gifts of working and living together, and so much more (wow-we crammed a lot in an hour!). Near the end of the interview I was asked about some tips for people to enjoy more "play" time as adults, as well as what couples can do to improve their relationship.

It was that conversation that inspired me to write this blog today. In adulthood we forget that our bodies, brains, and nervous systems need play time. Instead, we work too much which robs us of feeling any sort of real pleasure. As a result, everyone, and I mean everyone, either seeks pleasure outside of themselves or they avoid it altogether. Here is a list of the ways most people seek out pleasure: Online or in person shopping/buying, staring for hours (cumulatively throughout the day) at social media into the world of other people's lives, playing video games, watching porn, masturbating in secret, gambling, using substances or people to feel better. I am sure I left out other ways in which we play that aren't the healthiest. 

Sadly, we think of the word pleasure on a macro level-it's got to be some GRAND thing including sex and orgasm, that gives us a big hit of dopamine and keeps us seeking out more. But it doesn't have to be something big, or secretive, or damaging. If you took 5-10 mins 5 times a day to enjoy several "micro pleasures" via other forms of play time, you would notice a shift in how you function, you would have more mental space to be creative, and you would have more energy to pay attention to your partner, children, friends and loved ones off-line. 

Some examples of enjoying "micro-pleasures" include: smelling a warm cup of coffee, or a candle/incense, listening to your favorite podcast or music as you get ready for the day (or drive to work, or in your office), going on a short walk and breathing in the fresh autumn air, closing your eyes and focusing on your breath, getting away from your screens and stretching, reading an inspirational quote, thanking someone you care about or work with or love for doing or saying something helpful, petting your fur-baby, holding your child, eating something savory.

For me, my ritual of walking my dog in the morning by the lake brings me great pleasure. Other micro-pleasures for me include: Sipping on chai tea in the morning, taking a few minutes to go inward and listen, crocheting during my short breaks between calls, and my latest- writing this blog for y'all today- all bring me micro-moments of pleasure! These little pleasure-filled moments add up to me feeling continually replenished and not so burned out and grumpy at the end of the day.

I gently invite you-or I challenge you if you need a stronger nudge- to give yourself moments of grace and space each day to create rituals around enjoying micro-pleasures. You deserve it and are worth it. 

Stay tuned for my next blog on Celebrating Your Micro-Wins in your Relationship.

Namasté,

Candice