Date Yourself, Date Your Spouse

We live in a disconnected culture of swipes, clicks, downloads, likes, and tweets. While some experts say this is how the latest generation connects and engages with one another, many people share feeling lonely, depressed, and long for real, organic, genuine intimacy.

Yet, even the word intimacy in and of itself is often misunderstood. Many people assume intimacy primarily has to do with being sexual. As Dr. Patrick Carnes explains in his classic workbook titled Facing The Shadows©1997, there are 12 Dimensions of Courtship. Intimacy is #7 on the list!

Intimacy, according to Carnes, entails an attachment to one's partner which requires an immense amount of vulnerability. The act of attaching to another person and expressing intimacy in this way has proved challenging for most people, especially with how much people snuggle up to their mobile devices while laying in bed rather than cuddling with their partner in order to share cozy details about their day. 

Sex, interestingly enough, lands at #10 in the 12 Dimensions of Courtship. However, as our culture indicates, sex often comes third on the list; coming after noticing and flirtation. All too often people "hook up" instead of getting to really know one another.

In my webinar The Art of Ecstasy, I spend one week discussing the 12 Dimensions of Courtship. My reason for doing this? For the past decade of working with couples in recovery from various sexual and other issues, most if not all couples have ZERO idea that these dimensions even exist! Couples typically operate from the last two dimensions: Sex (which a lot of times they report feels obligatory and boring) and Commitment-which sadly, even commitment is loosely defined for many.

When I have explored each of the dimensions with people, some responses I hear include, "I don't know how to flirt with my spouse" and " I love his personality but I have lost my attraction to his body" and "We don't have intimacy. We skip to 'Wam bam thank you ma'am' which feels empty."  I also hear some positives such as "I still notice the way she walks into a room. She's stunning" and "I love it when he is playful and flirty with me. It makes me feel special again." 

How can couples get back to their roots of feeling organically connected to their partner or spouse, or for those who feel solid in this area, how can couples maintain this connectivity? How can you get back to feeling connected to YOU? 

My answer: Date your spouse, date yourself. I will discuss the latter in a moment. As sex therapist and relationship expert Esther Perel explains in her book Mating in Captivity (©2016) we need a sense of mystery in our relationship to keep the spark alive. While early on we may love the freedom, spontaneity and feeling of independence in our new relationship, we soon crave predictability. But sadly, too much predictability in our day-to-day lives creates boredom in our relationship. Thus by practicing some of the earlier stages of courtship, some of which include noticing, flirting and demonstrating, couples can achieve as well as maintain a sense of mystery. The most practical way to achieve this is to date your spouse. In dating, I don't mean the typical Friday night same restaurant and movie routine. You have to mix it up to keep that spark alive! 

For those of you in the thick of a partner's addiction, betrayal, divorce, newly single, single for awhile, married recently or for a long time and wanting to stay connected to YOU, date yourself! Dating yourself is a crucial step in healing from anything, in gaining on-going clarity about our wants, needs, and desires, in continuing to grow and expand out of our comfort zone and into the wake up zone! It can be a huge part of our mental, emotional, spiritual, and sexual growth process. Write your bucket list and live it! Do the things you have wanted to do but held yourself back from doing! Go to a day spa because you want to or a new coffee shop that you have wanted to experience. Awaken your senses daily to the wonder of being in your body, of being alive, and of feeling the freshness around you. Capture all the love and support you have and deserve. 

If you are interested in dating your spouse as you date yourself, explore the following: 

Reflect on when you met your spouse. What did you find alluring, sexy, attractive? What did you notice (the 1st dimension of courtship)? What traits (personality, physical, character) did you adore? Were you drawn to your partner via attraction (2nd dimension of courtship)? Did you show it via flirtation (3rd dimension)? Did you demonstrate via how you dressed, wore your hair, that you desired them (4th dimension)? 

If I continue on, you will likely notice all the ways in which you "fell in love" with your spouse. If you compare it to your current life, your answers may have changed a bit This is good to notice. We can enliven our spark again by creating that sense of newness and playfulness in our current relationship. 

Get creative. List your non-sexual bucket list items as well as your sensual items that you would like to explore with your partner. Note: Sensual has do with your senses-sights, sounds, smells and physical sensations (putting lotion on your or your partner's hands is a sensual/sensate experience); thus, it is not all about sex (I explain this in further detail in my webinar). How can you share these wants with your partner to create a sense of freshness in your relationship? A sense of seeing your partner through new eyes? Can you see YOU through new eyes too?

Where there is mystery, a spark ignites...

Maybe you didn't know your partner was as adventurous until they share with you that they want to go sky diving, or climb Mount Kilimanjaro. Perhaps your spouse wins an award and you hear him/her speak and the way their mouth moves lights you up inside. Notice that mystery! Notice that newness! As you date yourself in this process, you will likely have similar experiences with finding out the newness of YOU!

Get creative when thinking of dating yourself and your spouse, otherwise you will be back to square one with feeling bored again. Both of you need to partake in deciding what to do that sparks newness. 

If you can find ways to date the one (or if you are in a poly relationship, ones) you love, you will begin to enhance the freshness, newness, and organic connectivity that you experienced in the beginning. You will also create a sense of mystery. In the long run, this will be much more fulfilling than snuggling up to your mobile device before bedtime. By dating yourself regularly, you too will keep the freshness of YOU alive. 

And isn't that really what life is about? Experiencing an awakening, a freshness in our daily lives where we feel new, expansive, and everlasting?

You are precious, dear ones....

Aloha and Namasté, 

Candice

Sign up for my on-going 12-Week Art of Ecstasy Webinar! It will change you FOREVER! Learn ways you disconnect and deprive yourself of intimacy and how to re-connect and self/other nurture; past "love stories" that get in our way of consciously connecting; how to connect sensually in a non-sexual way and why that is important sexually; the dimensions of courtship and where your strengths and struggles lie, the 4-Dimensions of Sexual Experience, and more!!  Watch the recordings at your leisure in the privacy of your own home! https://www.smore.com/qgn8r

"You Got This." Finding Inner Strength to Achieve Your Day-To-Day Recovery

What if your inner voice, not the critic but the kinder, more gentle supportive inner voice, were to say this entire statement to you...

"I see you sitting there, dear one. Perhaps staring at your phone in a social media-medicated state. Or glaring at your bills piling up as you try to keep up with the disaster that your spouse has created for your family. Or perhaps you are waiting for the phone to ring to tell you that you don't have an STD from acting out(nor does your partner). Or, you have some solid recovery time from your primary addiction but can't quite kick your smoking or drinking or over-eating habit (or co-addiction).

I am here to tell you, you can do it. You Got This. When every day life tries to pull you down, it is just a test. The universe (or whatever you want to call it) has a masterful (and sometimes frustrating or even sickly humorous) way of putting experiences in front of us to see how strong we are, if we are ready to take on the challenge, if we have the strength and fortitude to get through the next 24 hours.

You do. You are wrapped in enough support by people around you (your therapist, group, friends, family, recovery members, sponsor) that if you allow yourself to feel it,  you will feel the unconditional love, safety and protection as you continue trekking along what can feel like a daunting and very steep climb.  

You deserve to feel loved. You were born feeling love, loved, and love-able. You too, dear one, deserve to feel that. If someone in your past has made you feel otherwise, know that it is not about you. We cannot fully love another person if we do not love ourselves. This may have been your "love story" from childhood. Mother or father may not have loved you the way you deserved. The reality is they didn't love themselves therefore they couldn't show up in the way you needed them. 

Regardless of what the story is that you are in when you enter this difficult, challenging, yet extremely rewarding life track called "recovery", YOU CAN DO IT. YOU GOT THIS.

Don't let anyone or anything get you down, especially that little voice inside that wakes you up at 3 a.m. to should on yourself. Instead, breathe in deeply and say, 'I got this.' May sound oversimplified, may sound ridiculous. But you do. And if you ever feel like you can't handle today, I am here inside you cheering you on."   

Much love for you dear ones. You are so worth it.

Namasté, 

Candice

3 Effective Ways to Actually Achieve Your New Year's Recovery Resolutions!

This blog is written by our wonderful trauma and addictions specialist Annie Jacobs. 

Now that the hype of the New Year has calmed down, how are you feeling about your New Year’s Resolutions? Have you perhaps set an intention to start your recovery, or do more in your recovery? Do you find yourself already lagging behind your recovery goals and continuing to put them off saying to yourself that you will get to them ‘tomorrow’? Are you beating yourself up because you missed a day of your workout routine already or ate that one food you swore you would avoid this year? Are you looking into the rest of the year with despair or are you still riding your momentum and determination to achieve your goals? Perhaps you decided to avoid setting a goal for a New Year’s Resolution. 

The great thing about New Year’s Recovery Resolutions is you can set the restart button every day if necessary. Give yourself permission to start over instead of swimming in shame at not starting yesterday.

Here are 3 effective ways you can manage, and ultimately accomplish, those seemingly pesky "New Year’s Recovery Resolutions"!

1- First and foremost, have fun with the goals you’ve set! Believe it or not, with recovery goals you CAN have fun. But be open! Perhaps a recovery goal is to go to one Refuge Recovery meeting per week for an hour. See if your curious observer part can go to these meetings and connect with someone. OR, perhaps you decide as part of your recovery that you are going to join a meditation community online (we love insight timer!), or listen to Sarah Blondin's podcast once a week (she's amazing!). These can be fun and inspiring goals. 

If you’re not having fun or enjoying yourself on your journey to accomplish your goals, your likelihood of actually accomplishing them is slim. Very slim! Do you have a goal that isn’t much fun to work on, but you want the end results? Make sure to set a goal you enjoy accomplishing along-side the goals that are harder and more challenging. The more fun you have, the more likely you are to continue working towards them and the more likely you are to accomplish them.

2-Second, make sure your goals are realistic. Have a major goal you want to achieve, but are intimidated to start because of how big it is? Break it down into smaller goals. For example, if you want to have one solid year of recovery it's important to set a goal to to achieve daily recovery in some way. Focusing on 365 days in one sitting can be overwhelming! 

A great way to analyze if your goal is realistic or not is to make a list of every single baby-step you have to take to accomplish this goal.

Now, ask yourself these questions for each baby-step:

• What do I need to accomplish this step?
• How long is it going to take me to accomplish this step?
• Can I still accomplish my entire goal by my end date?

Sound like a lot of work for just one goal? Perhaps, but keep in mind all of the benefits of making this list. You now know every little detail of what accomplishing your goal entails. Remember, you don’t want to go into those big goals blindly. Going into a big goal blindly can lead to unexpected set backs and being unprepared, which can ultimately lead to you not accomplishing your goal at all. Still sound very overwhelming and feeling like backing out? Start out small. Break your big goal down into more manageable goals. So, that 365 days of recovery? Set a goal to achieve 1 to 3 to 5 days at a time and slowly build up to that! 

3-Thirdly, be kind and flexible with yourself. It’s important to keep both of these in mind at the same time. Already missed that day of getting to a refuge recovery meeting? That is ok, commit to going to another one! Or ask an accountability buddy, your therapist, your group members for support.  Missed working out because you were too tired, sore, had no motivation, the kids were throwing a tantrum, or you had to stay late at work to finish a project?  Take a moment to reevaluate your goal. Maybe your workout routine was too intense to start off with and running a mile by on the second week was incredibly difficult. Or maybe you’re not a morning person and waking up at 6:00 a.m. was too difficult for you? You may have thoughts of already failing, such as ‘I’m a worthless lump because I can’t even jog for one minute!’, or ‘I’m so incredibly useless because I can never wake up one time!’ Be kind and flexible enough to tell yourself ‘okay, I need to adjust my goal’.  Listen to what your body, mind, and spirit are telling you. Give yourself permission to adjust your goal to being more manageable. 

Some people may find that they hate making New Year’s Resolutions because they never accomplish them and feel like a failure (I’m guilty of this). Instead, make a New Year’s Resolution that is easily achievable, but ultimately can never fully be achieved. Sound counterproductive, right?

One common piece of information I like to draw attention to is how long it takes for something to become a habit. Doing a simple google search on the question ‘how long does it take to create a habit’ will automatically pop up with the answer: 21 days. This is actually very misleading. When it comes down to measuring how long something takes for it to become a habit, it depends on how difficult the task is. If you want to drink a glass of water with lunch every day, it will probably only take you a couple of weeks for that to become a habit. However, if you’re trying to change your entire lifestyle... it’s going to take you longer than 21 days, more like 8 months to 2 years.. Here is a really good article on this topic https://jamesclear.com/new-habit. I encourage you to give this a read. The point I want to make with this goes back to being kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to take time getting used to your new lifestyle changes. 

Remember, be open, flexible and let yourself have fun (yes fun) with your recovery goals. Don’t let them stress you out or take the joy out of your day. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Be flexible. And keep in mind, you don’t have to wait until New Year’s to start a new goal. Thought of something you want to do, but find yourself in the middle of the year? Give yourself permission to start now.

Namasté, 

Annie Jacobs, LACMHC
Namasté Trauma and Addictions Therapist 

2018: Be Bold, Be Brave, Be You!

You matter. You make a difference. You are worth it. 

This year you get to take back your life. You get to show up in a way you have never shown up before. You get to live boldly, bravely, and passionately as your authentic selves free from every single burden that has ever held you back. We are all destined to fly free dear ones. All of us. We are the ones who stand in our own way. We may point the finger at our partners or loved ones or bosses or coworkers or parents or whomever and want to blame them. But we keep ourselves locked in a cage holding the key to our own freedom.  

The world has been waiting for you to be bold and brave. All the lessons that have led up to this year have shown you that your fear is just an illusion and you are more than capable of being the beautiful, successful, man or woman or non-binary person that your heart so desires. 

Since now, have you put all your eggs in someone else's basket? Have you feared taking that giant leap forward? Are you tired of the negative self talk that continues to hold you back? Do you fear someone is going to leave you if you heal your heart? Do you fear that you will leave them if you heal your heart? Are you afraid of diving in, starting over, beginning anew, of letting go? 

We all are. That is part of being human~seeing that fear is truly an illusion. We can get absolutely engulfed in fear to the point that we numb out, ignore, run, or even hide. But that does nothing for anyone at the end of the day. 

You are destined for greatness. I promise you that. There is nothing stopping you from living your truth and relishing in your brilliance but you.

Step out of your own way. 

This year, no matter what challenges you face, what negativity you encounter, what heartache crosses your path, show up boldly. Hold your own heart in your hands and cradle your sacredness. Stay true to your own essence, for life's great ocean can be fun if we learn how to ride ALL the waves, not just the small ones. 

This year, give yourself permission to be bold, to push yourself and get comfortable with the uncomfortable yet powerful, life changing positive growth that is awaiting you!  

Aloha,

Candice

photo credit: West Vinyl Art; pinterest

Speaking of being bold and brave, are you ready to take your intimacy and sexuality to a whole new level? Trust your heart if you are being called to my webinar. Payment options available so be bold and ask me about it! My Art of Ecstasy Webinar starts January 20th

Email me at: candice@namasteadvice.com to learn more. Part 1 (Jan-Apr) and Part 2 (Apr-June--ask for flier for exact dates) and learn how to connect on a deeper level with yourself and others, feel ecstatic bliss, and gain tips for enjoying sex on a whole new level! 

Embracing Another's Perspective in Sexual Recovery

I have always loved kaleidoscopes, especially since each time you turn them, the shapes change to form new images-new perspectives.

The changing shapes and design of a kaleidoscope remind me of the importance of being open to another's perspective in sexual or other type of recovery. 

Let me start by acknowledging that therapy is hard. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to commit to one's own recovery. With that said, I liken our therapy for sexual recovery to going to a cardiologist; you think you are having chest pains only to find out that you have actually had a heart attack. Meaning, clients often come in thinking their problematic sexual behavior or addictive behavior isn't "that bad" only to learn a different perspective from us, especially once we understand all of their symptoms including the impact, duration, frequency and intensity of their acting out.

Similarly, traumatized partners may enter treatment and want us to focus on a certain topic while having a hard time trusting or being open to our perspective. However, in speaking about their specific issue they may escalate first into a hyper-aroused state and then into an emotional crisis. Our job at that point is to de-escalate them by slowing them down so that they can return to their bodies. This may feel as though we are not validating their process or that we aren't showing any concern. However, it is because we care and are concerned that we slow their process down and take it one step at a time instead of 10 steps at a time-- again, a new perspective for a hyper-aroused person. 

We understand that some people may not understand our approach and structure to recovery and therefore may want to control the treatment process. This may include trying to dictate how we run our program especially if they have experienced an immense amount of trauma and struggle to trust others or listen to another's perspective. We also get excited when we hear from people who share that they appreciate our structured approach and expertise as it creates a sense of safety where they feel they are able to achieve lasting recovery...finally! 

Recovery comes when one can embrace a new perspective that is different from their own, be open to learning how to heal- which may entail thinking in a new way, and be humble enough to trust that as experts we really do know what we are doing to help them achieve lasting recovery. 

Like a kaleidoscope, the beauty in recovery comes from seeing different perspectives and trusting that healing can come in many forms. After all, if we continue to do the same things we have always done, we will continue to get what we have always gotten... My guess is if you want recovery, you want to do things differently!