Aromatherapy in Sexual Recovery and Trauma therapy

By Annie Jacobs, ACMHC, EMDR Trained

Why is it that when we smell certain scents we suddenly feel the emotions associated with a past event? You smell chocolate cookies baking in the oven and are instantly flooded with memories of Grandma’s house when you were young. You smell the delicious aroma of turkey cooking for Thanksgiving and start laughing because you remember the funny joke your uncle shared that made your dad spray his beverage all over the table because he was laughing so hard. Or, at other times,  you may find that a smell reminds you of something traumatic or scary in your life. Whatever the situation may be, scents and aromas play an important role in remembering past events in our lives as well as how we heal and recover.

Scents and The Brain: When we breathe in a scent, the scent travels through our nose straight to the Olfactory Bulb in our brain. The Olfactory Bulb then sends the information to different structures that play an important role in processing the information, including the amygdala (responsible for controlling our emotions, emotional behavior, and motivation). The amygdala is part of the limbic system. The limbic system houses different structures, including the hippocampus (responsible for long-term memory), the hypothalamus (responsible for the autonomic nervous system and releasing hormones), and the cingulate gyrus (responsible for blood pressure, heart rate, and attention). So when we smell chocolate chip cooking baking in the oven, we are instantly reminded of Grandmother’s house as a child and start to feel happy, excited, your heart rate increases, and you may even start to salivate in anticipating of eating a chocolate chip cookie. The smell of baking chocolate chip cookies activates the memory of being a small child at Grandma’s house and brings up the emotions associated with that event.

Since scents help your brain navigate the world around you and bring up memories associated with those scents, how can we use scents to benefit us? By Aroma therapy. Certain fragrances can invoke feelings of peace, joy, relaxation, or alertness and can reduce negative feelings, such as sadness, lethargy, anger, and resentment. One of the most common scents associated with Aroma Therapy is lavender. The smell of lavender can help reduce feelings of being tense, racing thoughts, and fear of rejection and promote feelings of calmness, emotional honesty, and peace of mind. Lavender is often used to help us fall asleep because of its calming properties.

Here are some other common scents and the positive and negative emotions they can reduce and promote:

Clove

• Reduce negative emotions of: defeated, fear of rejection, codependent
• Promote positive emotions of: empowered, clear boundaries, courageous, independent

Jasmine

• Reduce negative emotions of: unresolved sexual trauma, sexual repression, sexual fixation
• Promote positive emotions of: healthy sexuality, pure intentions, self-acceptance

Lemon

• Reduce negative emotions of: confused, inability to focus, mental fatigued, lack of joy and energy
• Promote positive emotions of: focused, energized, alert, mental clarity

Melaleuca

• Reduce negative emotions of: parasitic and codependent relationships, drained, emotional toxicity
• Promote positive emotions of: energetic boundaries, healthy and respectful connections, empowered

Peppermint

• Reduce negative emotions of: unbearable pain, intense despair, heavy hearted
• Promote positive emotions of: optimistic, relieved, strength to face emotional pain

Roman Chamomile

• Reduce negative emotions of: purposeless, discouraged, frustrated
• Promote positive emotions of: peaceful, fulfilled, relaxed, spiritually connected

Rosemary

• Reduce negative emotions of: confused, difficulty adjusting or transitioning
• Promote positive emotions of: mental clarity, knowledgeable, open to new experiences

Sandalwood

• Reduce negative emotions of: disconnected from God or spiritual self, emptiness, overthinking
• Promote positive emotions of: humble, spiritual devotion, connected to higher consciousness

Wild Orange

• Reduce negative emotions of: overly serious, rigid, workaholic, lack of energy, discouraged
• Promote positive emotions of: sense of humor, playful, generous, spontaneous, joyful

Next time you are feeling down, discouraged, sad, or any other negative emotion, think about what scent brings you peace of mind and helps you feel uplifted. Keep in mind some scents will smell better or worse depending on what your body needs at that time. For example, lavender may smell more appealing to you than wild orange or lemon if your body needs to sleep because of the different properties each scent has. Also keep in mind the quality of the scent you are smelling. A synthetic scent versus a natural scent may not have the same effects. For example, a synthetic lavender lotion versus lavender essential oil. 

Here at Namaste, we believe in Aromatherapy and use it as a complimentary tool to promote feelings of calmness, acceptance, peace, and many more. While Aroma Therapy can help with emotional distress, please talk to your therapist about any deep emotional issues. 

*For more information on Aroma Therapy and essential oils discussed in this blog, please check out the books Modern Essentials: A Contemporary Guide to the Therapeutic Use of Essential Oils and Emotions & Essential Oils: A Reference Guide for Emotional Healing.

Namasté, 

Annie

Phase 3 of Sexual Recovery: From Sexual Disconnect to Sexual Bliss

I have worked in the field of recovery with all ages and populations for close to twenty years. Throughout the years, my amazing clinical team and I have had the honor of healing generations from sexual and other addictions and aversions; women, men, couples, their parents (grandparents), along with their children. 

As our mission states: "At Namasté Center for Healing, we assist individuals in learning how to recover their true selves, their relationships, and their lives." Similarly, "Our vision is to help individuals, couples and families in achieving lasting recovery from addictions, aversions, and trauma so much so that the course of their lives are changed for generations to come."

One of the realizations I have had throughout the years is that if we only help people stop addictive sexual behavior but don't have a phase in our program where we teach couples about healthy intimacy, sensuality and sexuality, we are only treating part of the whole person and coupleship. 

When I say "healthy", I understand that this "healthy" sexuality is truly relative to each person. When we have couples come to us who are polyamorous or into BDSM, we meet them where they are at in their relationship and support their process. It is important to note that there is a reason why people come to therapy, and especially to our specialized program. 

I am interested in teaching healthy sexuality to those individuals and couples who are healing from the ravages of sexual addiction, the deserted landscape of sexual anorexia (formally called "Hypo-Sexual Desire Disorder" in the DSM V) as well as those individuals or couples who simply want to enhance what they describe as a stuck or stale sex and intimacy life. 

Through my own recovery as a trauma survivor and someone who was sexually anorexic for a number of years who rejected and loathed my body and sexuality, it has taken years for me to embrace and accept myself as a woman and sensual being (*as we all are*). Through the safety of a loving and VERY patient husband as well as a team of healers (yogis, mentors, therapists, teachers and friends), I have had the incredible opportunity to embrace and experience intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality in a beautiful and sacred way. 

I decided that THIS is what we need to share as part of Phase III (our Intimate Connections Phase) of our sexual recovery program at Namasté. Therefore, as part of Phase III, I developed The Art of Ecstasy: From Sexual Disconnect to Sexual Bliss.™ This 6-month online webinar is designed for singles and couples, men and women, LGBTQ and heterosexual, those in advanced sexual recovery or simply wanting to enhance their intimate connection with the world and their partner. 

As my mentor Dr. Patrick Carnes' says, "Sexuality is our most meaningful expression of our spirit. You cannot touch one without touching the other." This online course is based on this premise-that as sacred beings, our sexuality, when acknowledged, honored and embraced in an enlightened way, leads to a transcendent experience with ourselves, our world, and in our most intimate relationship(s). 

For those couples who have been attending our monthly Intimate Connections class, you have gotten a very small taste of some of what my webinar will entail.

For those of you who are curious about attending, this webinar is going to be self, relationship, and life changing for you. It is going to awaken and heal places in you that you have perhaps ignored or been unaware even existed. It is going to allow you to experience a deep, intimate, joyful and loving connection to all that is including in your relationship with your partner. It is going to provide you with tools for enjoying Ecstatic Bliss on a daily basis. 

Regardless of our pasts, we all deserve to live a life of beautiful, joyful, ecstatic and sensual bliss in our lives and in our relationships. 

Join me beginning Saturday January 20th for an enlightening journey of emotional, sensual and sexual self discovery. This webinar will change you forever. 

You are worth it!

Aloha and Namasté dear ones, 

Candice 

Tips for Couples to have a Healthy On-Going Relationship Detox

I tend to dislike food detoxes/cleanses because of my love of food as well as my tendency to get really cranky when I am hungry.  I also often feel tired and sick for the first 5 days of the process.  Yet, I admit, when I surrender to it, what I love about doing a food cleanse or detox is that after the yucky (body/emotional withdrawal) symptoms pass, my skin begins to glow, my mood improves, I feel mentally clearer, and I have a lot more energy. It resets my entire body, mind, spirit, and energy system. 

What if a food cleanse/detox had similar benefits as a relationship detox? First, when we hear the term "relationship detox" we tend to think it's related to a past relationship. Examples of comments people have made to describe their experience of a "post" relationship detox include,  "I am going to take a break from dating [my marriage, relationships]" or "I am only going to date myself for awhile" or "I need to focus on self care and figure out who I am before I am with anyone else." Interestingly with those individuals I have worked with  I think two out of hundreds were able to actually do this for a year (both were women and watching them transform was REALLY beautiful!). 

Detoxing post-relationship can be extremely useful in clearing one's mind, heart, and spirit. I invite and encourage this type of detox if a relationship has ended to clear the path for a new relationship where one isn't repeating the same behaviors or patterns, especially if their past relationship was toxic.

While a post-relationship detox may be useful for some, what if you could do a relationship cleanse while in your current relationship? Might this serve as a means of giving your relationship a reset or even a fresh start from toxic or dysfunctional habits and patterns? What if you or your partner feel the need to detox in order to open to newfound mental, spiritual, emotional and sexual clarity for the benefit of your relationship? Can this be healthy or does it signify that the relationship is in dire straits?

I believe it can be healthy and can significantly improve your relationship on all levels if both people in the coupleship are willing to participate. 

First, let me be clear on what this type of relationship detox IS NOT:

• It is not cheating on your spouse with any person, device, substance, or thing
• It is not keeping secrets from your spouse or being deceptive
• It is not disrespecting your spouse and relationship via not coming home, staying out until all hours of the night, sowing your "wild oats"
• It is not a mid-life crisis where everyone around you suffers while you act like a spoiled, hormone raging teenager
• It is not a means to feed an addiction
• It is not an "easy out" to leave your relationship

If the above issues are occurring or are renting space in your head, they get to be addressed in therapy by a relationship/intimacy expert. 

A healthy relationship detox involves both people in the relationship. Both of you must agree to participate since this can truly enhance your relationship and level of intimacy and connection with one another. To only have one person do it can actually backfire.  

The signs that a relationship detox is in order in your relationship include: 

• Constant fighting
• Inability to communicate without contempt, defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling
• Lack of intimacy or sex, or disconnected intimacy or sex (indeed a bit of an oxymoron)
• On-going drama, tension, strife

If you are experiencing the above issues in your current relationship (none of which are due to an active addiction or other crisis-oriented situation), partaking in a relationship detox together may be for you (although if you are unsure I recommend consulting with a relationship/intimacy expert).

Note: Do these on your own so that your process doesn't become a judgement fest. If you want to come together later to share with open minds as friends would--do so. But give yourself time to do these. 

The goal of a relationship detox is to reset and get clarity. Keep this in mind as you read through the following tipster experiencing a healthy relationship detox together:

1. Five-fifteen (5-15) Mins of a Self Care/Morning and Night Ritual~Both of you need to increase your self care during this time (key word "self"). Learning to sit alone with ourselves can be a beautiful way to achieve a sense of solitude rather than feeling lonely or experiencing loneliness. I realize you may have small children, hectic schedules, and full time jobs--which is the very reason why increasing self care is so crucial. Self care doesn't mean "other focus" or other care (or screen time). The latter are examples of being in your partner's business, which is not yours to tend to. Self care can mean 5 mins in the morning of lighting a candle, listening to soft music and breathing before the kids get up while you lay in your bed! If that means getting up at 5:45 a.m. to have those 5 mins, do it! You will notice a difference. Self care can mean going to bed 30 mins earlier than usual without screens and reading a funny or romantic or inspiring book. It can mean journalling in the morning and night (that takes 5 mins!). A Calm mind equals a calm body equals a calm experience of the world. APPS: Insight timer app, headspace app are great for music, meditation, yoga. 

2. Make your bedroom a sacred space (a zero "drama" zone). Most people dislike hearing what I am going to say next but here goes: If you want this to work then put your screens away! You are detoxing--yes you will feel physical withdrawals from your phones etc, but you need this time to clear your mind, heart, and soul. Pick up a book, color in an adult coloring book, journal, or listen to some music. You will be amazed at the wisdom that comes to you. 

3. Read or listen to these three books in this order: "Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" by John and Julie Gottman; "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel; "The Path To Love" by Deepak Chopra. Different books but powerful and enlightening! If you feel inclined and can do so from a calm and non-critical mental space, share passages with your partner. 

4.  Exercise. I realize that this can be SO hard. I too have struggled with exercise over the past several years. But I woke up one morning about a month ago and decided it was time for a change. I joined a studio that day and started a daily practice of Pilates and Yoga. I as well as my husband have noticed an incredible change inside as well as outside of me. I had forgotten how much exercise could heal our minds and spirits as much as our bodies and pave the way for clarity and insight. Happy hormones help our relationships!

5. Hit the reset button. Start over! Each morning is a new day. Let go of yesterday and start fresh with yourself and your partner. If there is residue from yesterday with your partner, write it in your journal. You will need to find a way to express it in a healthy way. Gottman's book offers a guide and couples therapy can also work wonders. Again, I am not talking about doing this with pent up resentments from betrayals etc. We have an entire program and process for couples with chronic betrayal.   

In order to have a successful relationship detox as a couple, it is essential that you cleanse your mind, body and spirit (I don't necessarily mean spirit in a context of religion although you can use it as it applies to you). 

When our relationships have build up, similar to our bodies, we need to take step back and assess what the issue is as well as implement lasting changes. Detoxing is a great way to clear out the old, get some fresh perspective, and start new. You can do this in your current relationship if both of you are willing. You will be amazed at what you experience. 

Join me beginning in January 2018 for my on-line course as I assist singles and couples on a 6-month journey where you will experience an increase in your mind, body and spirit's wisdom, gain a lust for life, work to clear out past residue in order to enjoy sacred and divine intimacy, sensuality, and sex. 

Embrace life's journey, dear ones.
Aloha and Namasté, 

Candice

The Difference Between Polyamory and Sex Addiction

This Blog is written by our full time therapist Annie Jacobs (edited by Candice Christiansen):
The question, “Am I polyamorous?” is one that at times we hear at Namasté Center for Healing when we are assessing people to determine if they have problematic sexual behavior including sexual addiction. I am here to offer you some clarity around this subject.

If you’re struggling with compulsive porn abuse,  having multiple affairs, or sexual acting out in other ways that are a secret outside of your relationship, the answer to the question, “Am I polyamorous?” is “no”. If you find yourself compulsively wanting to have sex at times when you are expected to be fulfilling other obligations (working, spending time with your spouse or children, etc.), the answer is “no”. If you find yourself wanting to have sex with multiple people, are indeed having sex with multiple people, and it is causing you and your primary relationship harm, the answer is still “no”.

Sex addiction entails a person compulsively engaging in sexual activity despite negative consequences. They often find themselves preoccupied with fantasies of different sexual activities and constantly searching for an opportunity to act out again (the thrill of the chase). When their addiction takes control, they may no longer care about the negative consequences that might occur due to their actions, such as their partner finding out and leaving them, contracting and spreading STDs, or getting caught by the police if their sexual acting out is illegal. They are consumed with one thing: escaping reality via their sexual "fix." Whether their "fix" is having compulsive and risky sex, compulsively masturbating, or compulsively looking at porn, their inability to focus on anything else is a challenge and often interferes with their daily life and normal functioning. 

Polyamory is quite different from sex addiction, though in today’s society it is often confused and tied into sex addiction. Polyamory is participating in more than one relationship at a time with all partners’ knowledge and consent. In other words, all of the partners know about each other and are okay with it. The people in the relationships have open communication and respect for each other's boundaries. There are no secrets or going behind their partner’s back to see someone else. Find yourself lying to your partner to have sex with a secret affair partner? You are not polyamorous. 

In a short video by Polyamorous Productions, they describe a term called “Magic Math” to help describe what polyamory is. They describe it as such: if you have a child you will love them with all your heart. If you have a second child you will also love them with all your heart. So how can you love more than one person with all your heart? That’s Magic Math. Polyamory involves, but is not limited to, loving more than one person at a time. It is quite different from compulsively wanting sex or compulsively sexual acting out in ways that are damaging to you and your relationships, which is often symptomatic of having a sexual addiction.

One of the biggest misconceptions about polyamory is that it is all about sex, which is why some people may confuse having sex addiction with polyamory because they desire and crave having sex with multiple people. Polyamory is not about having sex with multiple people, nor is it about being able to have sex with whomever they want, especially outside of the relationship. It is about having meaningful and fulfilling relationships with more than one person.

Namasté, 

Annie
Annie Jacobs, LACMHC
Trauma and Addictions Specialist

A Note from our founder, Candice: 
At Namasté Center for Healing, we strive to educate our clients on a variety of sexual behavior. Our program assists our clients and couples in having the healthiest intimacy, connection, and relationship possible, which for some may entail being polyamorous. We do not judge people for having various lifestyles. However, if certain behavior is causing one or more person in the relationship harm such as emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual trauma including violating their human rights and we are asked to provide treatment, we will do our utmost to assist both parties in getting the appropriate therapeutic support. When our clients and their spouses come to us in need of recovery support for sexual addiction or pornography addiction, we provide evidence based treatment to ensure that they achieve lasting sobriety and recovery, which for most, per their preference, includes healthy emotional, physical, and sexual  intimacy, and monogamy. 

Dating and Sex In Early Recovery

As a recovering love addict, I am well aware of the reasons why we are told to hold off on getting in a relationship for at least one year when we first start recovery. The main one being that we need to work on ourselves and second to that is that the stress of another person (i.e., worrying about their needs, relying on them to meet our needs, etc) can cause us to continually relapse. 

Yet, there is another reason that I appreciate which is directly related to our brain. By now, we have all heard of dopamine, the "reward" chemical which gets released in the brain when we use substances, or experience infatuation, new relationships, and sex. The latter, sex, gives us the biggest spike of dopamine which often fuels our desire to experience increasing amounts of sex and love. This is because: 

• Sex and love make us feel good about ourselves
• They give us the feeling that we are loveable and attractive
• They relieve us of our feelings of loneliness and boredom
• They bring a sense of meaning into our lives
•  They help us manage our stress
• They help us cope with anxiety and fear

While this may sound absolutely amazing, it can also be illusive, addictive, and problematic, especially if we never allow ourselves to fully experience and embrace the natural tides that life's great ocean brings in. By tides I mean feelings of sadness, heartache, insecurity, loneliness, and boredom (to name a few). For so many addicts (and for most people, really), running from anything painful becomes such a normative process that the slightest bit if dis-ease often causes us to run. Sadly, we often run towards something destructive, never allowing ourselves to work through the pain in order to get to the other side where immense healing, intimacy, and deep connection occur.

Yet, challenging emotions and situations are actually gifts (I know, cliché, right?). They act as a guidepost that help us get to the deepest parts of ourselves which allows us to appreciate the moments of clarity, happiness, natural feelings of ecstasy, unconditional love, and a sense of belonging. Without the polarity of opposites that life continues to bring us, we would not be the beautiful beings that we are. By having consistent and healthy tools, support, and guidance to learn to sit in all of our struggles, we realize that we are not going to die by the mere act of feeling. 

So when will you know that you are ready to date and/or have sex in recovery? Here are some questions to ask yourself when deciding:

1. Are you comfortable being alone? 
2. Are you comfortable being independent?
3. Can you handle the challenges of a relationship including a break up without going off the deep end?
4. Do you feel lovable and confident with who you are regardless of another person?
5. Are you stable in your own recovery with your own recovery supports?
6. Can you identify your emotional and other triggers and manage them in a healthy way?
7. Are you able to communicate your needs in a healthy way?
8. Are you comfortable having sex, being intimate, and being vulnerable with another person? Or is sex a crutch or escape?
9. Are you comfortable waiting to have sex if that is what feels right for you?
10. Can you put your needs first outside of another?
11. Can you have compassion and empathy for yourself and for another person?
12. Can you take time for you to self care, even with another person?

You ultimately get to choose when you are ready to date or have sex, which by the way, can also apply to a married couple in recovery(i.e., starting over in your courtship process--especially if one's addiction has infiltrated most of your relationship). However, it can be especially helpful to ask yourself these 12 questions to see if you are ready to take such an important step for you and whomever you choose to date, or your partner (if you are married). Giving yourself time doesn't have to be a bad thing.  It can actually be really healing.

As always, you are so worth it dear ones.