THANK YOU.

This morning I woke up feeling a sense of amazing gratitude. I want to share my feelings with you on a day of giving thanks. When I was growing up, I turned to music as a healing reprieve. It uplifted me in a way that I hadn't felt before. It became a healing sanctuary that allowed me to feel safe and at ease in my body, in my mind, in my life.

Today, I want to share with you a song that brings me to peace; a song that describes perfectly how I feel today.

It is Alanis Morissette's song, "Thank You." The link to the lyrics and song (not her video) are on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5mTJKg26jg (if it doesn't open, go to youtube.com and type her song "lyrics" for "Thank You" and listen).

I cry everytime I listen to this song, as it fills my heart with so much appreciation. I think, "YES! This is SO true!!" All of the things she sings about (even if some sound odd) are things to be thankful for.

After all, we learn from every good, bad, ugly, and beautiful experience we face! Thus, the reason to be in gratitude for our learnings.

So in my blog today, for this Thanksgiving holiday that some people celebrate, I am going to share with you Alanis Morissette's lyrics from her song, "Thank you."

Please read each lyric, then put the link in your browser and listen to it (*the words without her beautiful voice singing don't do the song justice-they may even sound negative so please listen to her singing the song in the link*).

With love and so much gratitude for you all, dear friends, here is Alanis Morissette's "Thank You":

"How bout getting off of these antibiotics

How bout stopping eating when I'm full up

How bout them transparent dangling carrots

How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India

Thank you Terror

Thank you Disillusionment

Thank you Frailty

Thank you Consequence

Thank you THANK YOU Silence

How bout me not blaming you for everything

How bout me enjoying the moment FOR ONCE

How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you (YES!)

How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India

Thank you Terror

Thank you Disillusionment

Thank you Frailty

Thank you Consequence

Thank you THANK YOU Silence

The moment I let ago of it Was the moment I got more than I could handle

The moment I jumped off of it

WAS THE MOMENT I TOUCHED DOWN

How bout no longer being masochistic

HOW BOUT REMEMBERING YOUR DIVINITY

HOW BOUT UNABASHEDLY BALLING YOUR EYES OUT

how bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India

Thank you Providence

Thank you disillusionment

Thank you nothingness

Thank you clarity

Thank you Thank you Silence

Yeah Yeah Oh Oh, ah-ah-Oh ah-ah-Oh..." Thank you to each and every one of you who I have had the honor and privilege in my life and career of meeting and walking with on this blessed journey (those past, present and future). I am truly humbled today by the incredible blessings in my life, including the healing work I get to do with each and every person that comes to Namasté. I am so thankful for my team of amazing clinicians and healers; it is because of you that so many more people are able to heal themselves, their relationships, and their lives.

A final note: here is a link of Jim Carrey sharing the meaning of life. You might be pleasantly surprised by his immense wisdom. I encourage you to listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0ZrkBCnfxw

In humble gratitude dear ones.

Namasté,

Candice

Unknown

image:holifestival.com

You are the "Real Deal": Stop Acting Like an Imposter

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection"~Buddha

When I was in graduate school, I was invited to interview at a prestigious Feminist Multicultural Internship site that allowed only 4 students into their training program per year. When the call for my interview came, I was in shock, so much so that I did not answer the phone. I didn't call the Internship Coordinator back!

My multicultural counseling professor and mentor found out that I had not returned the internship coordinator's call and pulled me aside one day after class. She had, after all, written a letter of recommendation for me to attend this internship site, and was confused as to why I hadn't followed through; my avoidant behavior was uncharacteristic of me.

My professor was the first person to introduce me to the concept of feeling like an "Imposter."

"Candice," she said quite resolutely, "You are not an imposter." She then explained what Imposter Syndrome entails.

Imposter Syndrome, also called Fraud Syndrome, was first used by psychologists in the 1970s to describe individuals who could not internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their accomplishments, individuals with this syndrome believe they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome).

I never knew there was a "syndrome" that described how I felt all these years! I had struggled to accept all of my hard work, dedication, and perseverance that had gotten me to this very moment. "Who am I?" I thought (like so many times before), "Who am I to think I deserve this amazing opportunity?"

The staff that interviewed me at the internship site shared that my letters of recommendation were so "stellar" that they "had to meet" me. That same day they offered me an internship with them. I was floored. Who are they talking about? I thought.

However, I decided to put my fear of being a fraud aside and embrace this opportunity. I feel truly blessed that I did as it was the beginning of many transformative experiences in both my career and my life.

Like me, so many incredibly intuitive, bright, dynamic, and creative individuals walk around feeling like they are an imposter. They question every success they have had, wondering if they will somehow be "found out" that they are not good enough, not capable of...; a fraud.

So many people hold onto old, outdated beliefs, often from childhood, that they are unworthy of having success; unworthy of a beautiful life.

Many individuals with Imposter Syndrome feel like they are not capable of living a life free of suffering. If they have a success, it is nearly impossible for them to accept that they truly earned it based on their own merits. Internalizing their worth seems like an impossible feat.

The most impactful part of my internship experience was learning and witnessing in myself, along with hearing from others that even then, I was the Real Deal.

Granted it has taken years upon years for me to allow this statement to fully sink in, and only until recently have I been able to completely understand and embrace being The Real Deal.

(Funny, as I just wrote the last statement, I had a twinge of fear of the Imposter. Even now she creeps in.... so subtle, reminding me that she is still here if I want to go back into my box and play small.)

Indeed, the mask that a person with Imposter Syndrome wears is thick, heavy, weighed down by years of guilt and shame at not measuring up to real or fictional parental expectations, to the exceptions of friends, to the expectations of educators; to anyone. Even though these are often the perfectionistic kids that appear to do well in all areas of their lives, they push themselves so hard and with an incredibly unforgiving eye. Sadly, they often can't see their worth. They are blind to it.

I realize, after years of struggling with this, that it can take quite some time to embrace our raw authenticity and vulnerability.

The statement "I am the Real Deal" applies to anyone who has endured years of feeling like an imposter. Anyone who has felt like your accomplishments are a sham, that you don't deserve your successes in life. You too are the REAL DEAL. That may be hard to say, swallow, or even let sink in, but let yourself say it because it is true.

What I am continuing to learn is that there is something really quite beautiful in the messiness of our raw existence; our raw and vulnerable perfect imperfection. It is beautiful.

If you can identify with having Imposter Syndrome, ask yourself, "Is it working for me to continue to feel like an imposter? To hide behind my true genius?" Who does that really benefit?

What would it look like, more importantly, what would it feel like, to rid yourself of the Imposter Syndrome and allow your brilliant self to shine? How would it be to embrace the authentic, powerful you who is THE REAL DEAL?

Today is a new day; a beautiful opportunity to cradle the authentic YOU in your arms. You are worth loving. You are worth embracing who you truly are! Let love in and let the Imposter Syndrome go.

Now is the time.

With love dear friends~

Namasté, Candice

Contact info: NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500 Image by mywellnesswithwendy.com

Falling Down the "Rabbit Hole"... From Disconnection to Connection over the Holidays

With the holidays approaching, I have been thinking about Alice in Wonderland and the idea of falling down the rabbit hole. It seems that there are more opportunities for folks to fall down during this time. T'is the season, eh? According to Google, the definition of rabbit hole is: "...a bizarre, confusing, or nonsensical situation or environment, typically one from which it is difficult to extricate oneself."

When I say "Rabbit Hole", I am referring to anything that you experience inside or outside of you that you find confusing, bizarre, nonsensical; that which is difficult to free yourself of.

For instance, an addiction can be one's Rabbit Hole. And, let's be honest, don't we all have one? How many of us could honestly say that we are addicted to our phones? How many times have you checked your phone since you awoke this morning? How many of us get anxious if we don't have our phone, can't find it, break it; all of the above?

How many of us have a ritual of checking the phone each time you hear or see a message come through? Or checking it and responding to someone while having an intimate conversation with your spouse or partner, friends at dinner, playing with your children, or in an appointment or meeting?

That is just one "Rabbit Hole" of addictions. But it indeed keeps us disconnected, which is really quite ironic, isn't it?

A device created to keep us connected to others and the world actually disconnects us from intimacy, having a true connection, an actual conversation; socialization.

Day in and day out I hear about relationships that have gone south because of a lack of intimacy. Although we treat a variety of "Rabbit Hole" issues~from infidelity, to problems with non-sexual and sexual intimacy, to prevention for potential sex offenders, to sexual anorexia, to substance abuse, eating/health issues, and trauma, one area that often gets missed in treating these other addictions is the "Rabbit Hole" of being addicted to one's phones, which is a main culprit for decreasing intimacy in relationships.

People often think intimacy is sexual. It's not. Intimacy starts outside of the bedroom via non-sexual connection and non-sexual touching (not groping your partner, but gentle touching). Statistically speaking, both men and women alike need 8-10 non-sexual touches to feel connected; connected enough to be sexual with one another.

Let's add another important component into the mix: How is being addicted to your phone keeping you from connecting to your children/teens and how is their obsession with their phone keeping them from connecting to you and others? What are they learning via social media that you would prefer teaching them?

Have they also fallen down the "Rabbit Hole" of addiction in this sense? I would not be naive to what your children and teens are or have been exposed to on-line. They see and read stuff they shouldn't see and read (i.e.,stuff that can be traumatizing, hurtful, confusing, etc).

I don't mean to dismiss the nay-sayers who continue to argue that pornography isn't addictive (everyone is entitled to their opinion), but their argument goes against all the brain research that shows a connection between looking at pornography and changes in the brain similar to those the are addicted to alcohol and cocaine (for more information on this google Valerie Voon, Dr. David Hilton, for example).

Guess where your child, girl or boy (let's not be naive and think females don't look at porn), first saw pornography? By the way, on average, depending on what country you research, children (both boys and girls) are exposed to pornography by the time they are 10 to 11 years old (5th or 6th grade). If you ask, they likely will say they haven't seen it, but let's be honest with ourselves....everyone has seen it whether we want to or not. Welcome to the digital age...sadly.

Some research suggests that by the time all high schoolers graduate from high school they will have been exposed to pornography via their phones,a friend's phone, a computer or other device while not with you. Can you say "Rabbit Hole"?

I realize this may seem depressing to read about, or frustrating, or even angering for some of you. Especially since a majority of us has a phone, and several other screens for that matter. After all, this is a major "Rabbit Hole" that seems impossible to escape, and necessary for a lot of reasons.

But, this is also a "Rabbit Hole" that deserves to be addressed, especially with the approaching holidays when connection is integral.

So, why not make the journey of falling into the "Rabbit Hole" Worthwhile?

Why not make some simple changes that will benefit you, your relationship with your spouse, and your relationship with your children and friends?

Follow these simple steps and I assure you that your connection with your intimate relationships will improve, as well as your energy, and mood (since staring at screens often leaves us with foggy brains, sometimes headaches, and confuses our sleep cycle-especially if we look at our screens at bedtime). STEP 1: Create a commitment that when you and your loved ones are eating together, you put your phones away. This may mean you turn them on airplane mode, silence them, and put it in your back pocket, coat pocket, bag, back pack, or purse. Make a commitment to not look at them and instead HAVE A CONVERSATION.

STEP 2: Unplug! Leave your phones outside of your bedrooms for bed. Give your brain a rest! Research continues to suggest that when we have the light of our screens on during our sleep cycle (10p.m.-6 a.m.), it confuses our brains, and causes a lot of havoc mentally and physiologically.

STEP 3: Unplug as much as you can on the weekend. Do what you can to avoid falling into the "wonderland" of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. Be present in your relationships, go do an activity, read a book. This will begin to heal the Rabbit Hole of disconnection in your relationships.

By following these three simple steps, you and your loved ones will start to get out of the Rabbit Hole of being addicted to disconnection from reality, which in turn will increase connection on a deeper level with your outside world.

The holidays are around the corner making this "Rabbit Hole" tempting indeed, especially with all the stress that comes with connection to family, etc. Start now and make this "Rabbit Hole" experience a beautiful learning one by getting out of it.

And, always remember:

You are worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

CARI HAS A FEW MORE OPENINGS FOR HER HOLIDAY HEALTH CLASS THAT STARTS TONIGHT 11/9/15! $25 per class! Learn how and what to eat to increase your mental and physical energy over the holidays and improve your mood; how sleep is KEY in our health, stress, and with weight, and so much more! November and December! "Tis the Season the Be Healthy" Class with Cari Junge, Integrative Health Advisor. RSVP: cari@namasteadvice.com.

Contact info: NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Image by aetherforce.com

How Is Your Relationship "DNA"?

Have you ever considered that your intimate relationship has "DNA"? More specifically, that you have a relationship "attachment style" that may be similar to your personal attachment style developed from both childhood and adult life experiences? Take a moment to consider this: are you securely attached in your relationship, anxiously attached, or avoidant in your attachment to your partner? Maybe you are not familiar with the difference between the three.

Here are some basic distinctions between these attachment styles (adapted from the book Attached, 2010, by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin: New York, NY):

Secure: You find it relatively easy to get and be close to others, depend on them, and vice versa. You don't worry that you will be abandoned or whether or not someone is too close to you. You feel confident in your relationship and satisfied overall.

Avoidant (sometimes called Fearful Avoidant): You are uncomfortable being close to you partner and find it difficult to trust people completely. You have a hard time depending on others and feel nervous when people get too close to you. More often than not, your partner wants to be closer than you feel comfortable.

Anxious (sometimes called Preoccupied): You worry that your partner doesn't fully love you and notice that your partner tends to struggle to be as close as you would like. You find yourself preoccupied with wanting to merge completely with them which can scare people away at times. You are unhappy if you are alone and may find yourself constantly seeking a relationship. *To further explore your attachment style, you may want to consider looking reading literature such as the following referenced book, take and attachment quiz, etc.*

In their book, Attached (2010) A. Levine and R. Heller contend that there is a flawed premise related to adult attachment theory, specifically one that assumes that someone should control their emotional needs and soothe their own stress. However, research on attachment actually endorses the opposite.

Levine and Heller assert, "Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring our partner's psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until our partner does" (p. 20). This may be in the form of protest; children with anxious attachment styles tend to protest when away from their caregivers.

For years, popular psychology has encouraged men and women to seek independence in their relationship, all the while firmly establishing that something is wrong with a person for feeling needy and/or having a strong dependency on their partner.

Even the term "codependency", while initially developed to be used in relation to families of substance abusers, has become a generic term thrown around for everyone in relationship. This can be particularly damaging, as it presumes that depending on one's partner to fulfill various needs is unhealthy; therefore, boundaries need to be established to increase one's "sense of self" and one must find their happiness solely from within (p.25).

The reality is that we are wired for connection. It is human nature to want to be close to our partner just as we desired that from our primary caregiver(s). It is common to seek a secure base to help give our world meaning (p.30).

Research shows that once we choose to be in an intimate relationship, our physiology changes. "Once we choose a partner, there is no question whether dependency exists or not. It always does"(p.28).

When two people become a physiological unit, it is common to see this: When she/he reacts, the other partner in turn reacts; if she/he is upset, the other partner is likely also going to feel upset(p.28). This is normal!

Attachment theory further suggests that "...people are only as needy as their unmet needs" (p.21).

For individuals with unmet needs, it is common for them to either seek resolution with their partner in order to get their needs met (one way being to "protest"), or withdraw as part of their attachment style.

Likewise, if an individual is securely attached to their partner, they will likely find more satisfaction overall in their relationship. Levine and Heller assert, "It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on" (p. 29). This is good news, along with the fact that in time and with awareness, people can change their attachment style to feel more secure. In some cases, this may mean leaving one's current relationship and finding one that is more "secure" in it's DNA structure; however, this is not always the case. Every relationship is different.

This week, take some time to consider what your attachment style is; your relationship "DNA." See if your partner (if you are in a relationship) is willing to explore this with you. Trust that if there are some issues with your current DNA, with the appropriate education, awareness, and support you can strengthen your attachment to one another.

As always, please remember you are worth it!

Namasté,

Candice

November and December! "Tis the Season the Be Healthy" Class with Cari Junge, Integrative Health Advisor. Come learn how to have balance with food, exercise and rest so that you can take the holiday season in stride, and set some healthy goals for the new year! Cari will offer a monitored cleanse for folks interested and attending the class. RSVP: cari@namasteadvice.com.

Coming in the New Year! Couples Yoga Intensive with Namasté Founder Candice Christiansen and Master Yogi and owner of Mudita Be Joy Yoga Carrie Coppola. Increase your emotional and physical/sensual intimacy through breath, process and gentle movement with your partner (many poses will be done with the couple working together). Connect with your partner on a whole new sensual and intimate level!!

* As always, we have several mens and women's groups throughout the week as well as our Relationship Recovery Class this coming Tuesday, Oct 27 from 6-7:30 p.m. with Candice and Jenny Jo. Topic: Forgiveness as a value, along with how to be proactive instead of reactive in responding to issues. This will be an experiential class (be ready to participate)! RSVP admin@namasteadvice.com or just show up! $45 per person; $75 per couple.

Contact info NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Impermanence: Embracing Transitions

Last Thursday, I put my sweet dog to rest. He had survived for over a year with a massive inoperable tumor on his head, and was in obvious discomfort. When it ruptured, intellectually I knew it was time.

Yet, even with this knowing, my heart couldn't embrace the decision. I wanted to hold so tightly to the permanence of our life together over the past decade; cling to the known, even if we both were in pain; his from his tumor, mine from watching him struggle.

My inner child was out last Thursday; she held his little body like a tiny baby. He stayed physically close to her heart as she denied the inevitable transition that both he and she would soon encounter.

The transition was not a smooth one.

Are transitions ever really smooth? What would have made it smoother? If I wasn't in fear? Or if he wasn't in so much pain? If I wasn't holding so damn tight to him leaving me; to this inevitable transition?

Whatever the reason, the whole experience was beyond painful and hard to digest.

Pema Chodron, in her book Comfortable with Uncertainty (2002) says, "We know that all is impermanent; we know that everything wears out. Although we can buy this truth intellectually, emotionally we have a deep-rooted aversion to it(p.27)."

Intellectually I could handle it; it made sense. But emotionally, I was a mess. I felt I was crawling out of my skin; my heart hurt so bad in the middle of the night that I thought I was going to die. At one point I wondered if this huge transition would be the death of me. I couldn't figure out exactly why....

But the way Pema explains it offers some comfort. She says, "We want permanence; we expect permanence. Our natural tendency is to seek security; we believe we can find it."(p.27).

A decade ago, I thought I had found permanence in this beautiful, innocent, unconditionally loving little creature when I went through a huge personal life transition. He was my "transition object" during that time; a security blanket. I always knew that he would be with me.

But life doesn't work that way.

Change is the only constant and truly inevitable. Again, easy to swallow intellectually, but harder on an emotional and physiological level.

As Pema says, "We experience impermanence at the everyday level as frustration. We use our daily activity as a shield against the fundamental ambiguity of our situation, expending tremendous energy trying to ward off impermanence and death."

In Buddhist teaching, we are encouraged to be free from this limited way of viewing impermanence. We are reminded of the importance of relaxing "gradually and wholeheartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change"(Chodrin, 2002, p. 28).

By recognizing the truth of impermanence, we are not being pessimistic or negative. Pema says, "What it means is that we begin to understand that we're not the only one who can't keep it all together" (p.28).

We realize, in our moments of connecting to inevitable change, transitions, and impermanence that we are not alone. That together, we experience suffering, strife, and struggle. But we also experience pure joy, love, laughter, truth, humility (being beautifully humble), purpose, a sense of connection, compassion, divine wisdom, and strength.

How beautiful is that impermanence!

Since Thursday, I have spent time doing daily yoga with my dear friend and Master Yogi Carrie Coppola, who reminded me during one class when she read this same passage from Pema's work of the beauty of impermanence. I have also spent a lot more time being in silence, and embracing meditative practice. As a result,  I have been able to find moments where I can connect to my dog's spirit, his pure, joyful essence. I have been able to pause and reflect on the good times I had with him. I am more able this morning to envision him in pure love and health; free from suffering.

I realize that today is the beginning of the week (the often dreaded Monday), and that many, if not all of us are dealing with a full plate. Some of you may feel like your plate is full of fun and exciting things, while others may feel like your plate is full of heart-wrenching, potentially life changing stressful things (i.e., work/financial stress, addiction issues, relationship conflict, health issues; all of the above).

Whatever you are dealing with, as you walk through today's moment to moment changes and transitions, remember: YOU ARE TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Please also know that: The Divine in Me Honors the Divine in YOU.~Namasté,

Candice

Fall programming: WELCOME THE SEASON OF CHANGE!

FALL INTO HEALTH CLASS! Interested in learning how to take better care of your health; get your diet in alignment pre-holiday, learn how to get the most out of the food you eat and be in-health? Cari Junge, our Integrative Health Specialist, will be offering a health class this fall! Every Wed 7-8:30 p.m. for 8 weeks; $25 per class. (started Sept 9th, 2015); RSVP cari@namasteadvice.com;801-272-3500.

Thursdays, Rich has a new Men's Sexual/Relationship Recovery Group. Thursdays 4-6 p.m. $45 per group. 12-Week Commitment. On-going task group for men in recovery.

Candice, founder, and Carrie, Master Yogi are offering Mastering the Trauma Wound II to folks who have taken Mastering the Trauma Wound I with Candice. We will use the tools from Candice's workbook as we assist folks in settling into their bodies via yoga poses, breath work, meditationa and more. It will be truly transformative. $400 Special. One day only! Email Candice for date,time, details! candice@namasteadvice.com.

Welcome Jen Woj, LCSW to the Namasté team! Jen W is an LCSW, trauma therapist and Approved SOTP. We are thrilled to have her join our team. She will provide a second male SASOP™ group every Friday 9:30-11:30 a.m. starting this Friday, Sept 18th. $45 per group for Level II Sex Addicts. For details and attendance contact Candice @namasteadvice.com.

Contact info NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500 photo by pinterest.com