Are You in Love with an Addict? Why That is a "Good" Thing

Does your loved one's destructive behavior and continual lies make you feel like you are going crazy? Do you ask yourself daily, or multiple times daily, "Why on earth do I tolerate this person with this addiction?!"Do you feel confused when you experience moments with the addict where you feel joy and see glimmers of hope that things will get better? Sounds like you are in love with an addict.

And, although this might sound crazy, I think it is a "good" thing.

Read that last statement again if you need to and notice if you had a reaction to it. Did it make you cringe? If you are someone with an addiction, are you curious why I say that it is a good thing to be in love with you?

Well, it is. I am not saying it is good to be in love with the addiction. That is a different thing. After all, The person you love is NOT their addiction. The addiction; however, is definitely a huge part of their lives and their world; especially their body, mind, and spirit. Every aspect of a person's BEING gets taken over by the illusion of what drugs, alcohol, food, sex, work, financial addiction has to offer.

The "vice(s)" a person ends up using often becomes their reason; their excuse to repeatedly escape the feelings of loneliness, shame, sadness, guilt, pain-physical and/or emotional-etc. This desire to escape is not intentional; the brain's reward center kicks in with dopamine; the "gotta get it" neurotransmitter. The fix becomes more important than any relationship.

Relying on this "vice" gives someone who has a history of trauma, shame, depression, sadness, attachment issues, etc, or even curiosity or accident (i.e. porn addiction is impacting children as young as 8 years of age) a reason/excuse to hide from who they truly are- the person you love.

Being in love with an addict means that at some point in your relationship, you saw their potential, along with their talents, intuitiveness, sensitivity, and brilliance. Many times, and understandably so, loved ones forget about these positive attributes, especially as they endure years of lies, deception, betrayal, and pain.

I am not saying that because you have seen who this person really is-the "good" in them-that you should stay with them at all costs. It is crucial that partners, spouses, children, loved ones, do what they need to do in order to get/stay healthy, especially since we know that with addiction, the entire family system gets sick. For some, this may mean walking away from the relationship for awhile or forever. However, even if you walk away, it is still ok to love the person in their addiction.

Having healthy boundaries is a strong sign of loving the addict, and it may also feel really foreign. After all, you have probably found yourself enabling them out of fear that they might leave you or even die if you didn't.

Setting boundaries can be the biggest form of telling your loved one just how much you care about them. Boundaries mean that because you love this person so much, you are drawing a line in the sand to assist them in getting help, not in dying.

An example of a boundary is to no longer give your family member money, or monitoring their accounts, especially if you know they use it to buy drugs, alcohol, sex, gamble, etc. This may feel like policing, however, in the beginning of recovery, this behavioral boundary may prove effective. If the person with the addiction wants recovery, they will likely be open to this type of boundary. After all, it will assist them in being more honest and accountable.

Another way to show that you love your partner via boundaries is to do things for your own recovery. For example, attending therapy and joining a support group. This is a form of influence, not control, and a healthy way of showing your loved one that you too are learning new ways of coping with the addiction.

A third boundary may be to limit contact with the person if they are using. If you live with them, limiting contact to a minimum; letting them know you are doing this is key as to not create more conflict than is already in the space.

Finally, and as previously mentioned, leaving for a short while or forever may be the ultimate boundary you practice which may need to be done as a sign of self love as well as loving them. If the relationship gets too toxic and the person with the addiction refuses help, leaving may be the ultimate boundary and act of self and other love.

It is ok to love someone who has an addiction; in fact, I think it is a "good" thing. Demonstrating your love by setting healthy boundaries is a beautiful way to take care of your own needs while insulating you from further pain caused by the addiction.

Remember, life is too short to sweat the small stuff-- YOU ARE WORTH YOUR RECOVERY!

Namasté,

Candice

Fall programming (details to come):

Interested in learning how to take care of your health? Cari Junge, our Integrative Health Specialist, will be offering a health class this fall!

More groups for men! In September, Rich will begin a new men's Sexual Recovery Group. We are also exploring a male partner support group.

Candice and Carrie have moved the Mastering the Trauma Wound II to September.

Stay tuned! A lot of great stuff happening at Namasté!

Contact info NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Trauma: Not a Life Sentence; An Opening

In his famous book Waking the Tiger (1997), Peter A. Levine explains trauma as becoming so commonplace that most people don't even recognize it when it happens. This makes sense, especially since we see traumatic events and occurrences multiple times daily on t.v., in social media (FB, Twitter, etc). These include articles, images, discussions of shootings, violence, killing, abuse, betrayal, etc. Whether or not it is our own personal experience, we are exposed to trauma everywhere we turn.

If we are experiencing/dealing with something traumatic in our own lives, being surrounded by trauma (via television, the news, and social media) can be especially overwhelming.

This impacts us on a cellular level. Our body feels it; the clenching of our jaw, the increase in our heart rate, the tension in our shoulders. We may not be aware of how much we carry trauma with us; but it is aware of us. It creeps in slowly, waiting for the perfect moment to steal our joy.

For those of us that have survived various forms of trauma (that is everyone, by the way), symptoms can remain hidden in our minds and bodies for years; rearing their heads when triggered by something simple such as certain words that are spoken, a smell, a sound, a nightmare (or dream), even hearing of someone else's life struggles.

As Levine explains, "Both the causes and symptoms of trauma are incredibly vast and diverse...Today, it is understood that trauma is a common occurrence that can be caused by seemingly benign events (p. 42).

Levine gives the example of a person who has surgery for something that is viewed as necessary. Even though they are unconscious as the surgeon is cutting into their flesh and bone, their body registers this as a "life-threatening" event. It perceives danger at the cellular level. So while intellectually we understand the surgery is not life-threatening; to our bodies, it is in mortal danger and hence why surgery can cause Post Trauma Stress (p.54).

Betrayal from a spouse who has acted out in their addiction causes trauma. Research indicates that being told of the betrayal in detail and in a "staggered" way (i.e., every time the addict acts out) can actually elicit symptoms of PTSD in the partner.

For the addict, abusing substances can be extremely traumatic for the body. Putting one in harms way via their addiction can also create multiple traumas (whether it is via a toxic relationship, unprotected sex, over-eating with unhealthy food, being addicted to work at the expense of one's life, money-spending excessively or controlling excessively; and/or substance abuse).

Especially when it compromises someone's ability to make healthy decisions (for instance, getting drunk with someone you meet at a bar, going home with them in a black out and being a victim of rape).

I realize all of this sounds awfully depressing. But the AMAZING news is that trauma does not have to be a LIFE SENTENCE. We can heal from trauma, along with being pro-active to protect ourselves from being traumatized in our day to day.

The question is HOW?

• Avoid social media/tv; limit your viewing, especially before bed. Viewing social media before bed can impact getting a restful sleep

• Surround yourself with people who support you

• Get in RECOVERY TODAY!

• Talk to a professional! Work with someone who specializes in trauma (and whatever else you are dealing with, i.e., addiction or a spouse's addiction)Learn how to self-regulate (window of tolerance)

• Get connected to your body via yoga (best way to re-connect and heal trauma!!), exercise, walking

• Get a pet or love on your pet daily; animals are incredibly healing! Self care-get a healthy massage, pedicure, REST, play (in healthy ways!)

• The only way we can fully heal our bodies, minds and spirits, is by addressing recovery on all of these levels.

• It is in this way that we free ourselves from the illusive prison we are in and find an opening to WHO WE TRULY ARE.

As always, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Finding The Courage To Heal

David Whyte's poetic description about living and longing  exemplifies tremendous courage.

To be able to be so vulnerable and bold as to melt into the "fierce heat" of your own life, while falling toward the core of what you long for, dream of, wish for-being who you truly are- Now that is courageous!

It makes sense then, with how fierce and powerful courageous acts really are, that the word courage comes from the Latin word "Coeur", which has evolved into meaning, "To tell the story of who you are with your whole heart" (Brené Brown, 2010). As Brené Brown explains in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, "The root word courage is cor-the Latin word for heart" (p.12).

Brené shares, "Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today's world, that's pretty extraordinary"(p.13). She adds, "When we pay attention, we see courage every day."

Sometimes, we take for granted how often we each act from the heart in our day to day lives. We may be so caught up in getting out of bed in the morning, trying to avoid cravings, longing, pain, sadness, sorrow, suicidal thoughts, that we forget that "waking up" each day is hugely courageous.

Over the past two weeks, I have been a humble witness to some tremendous acts of courage. At my recent Mastering the Trauma Wound Workshop, I witnessed 8 courageous men and women dive deep into their trauma wounds, swimming inside it's pain stained walls and crevices, only to come out the other end lighter, brighter, and more tender hearted towards themselves and others. The balloons, pictured below were part of the workshop; each person wrote what they wanted to release and/or create on the balloon at the end and they set it free. Another act of tremendous courage.

This past Monday, I once again was a humble witness as 5 courageous men in recovery from multiple addictions and trauma participated in our first Yoga for Recovery™ class for men at Namaste Center for Healing.

I can only imagine how much courage it took for these men to be able to be with themselves in their bodies on a mat, in a room with other men, moving their bodies in different asanas (yoga poses) while trying to stay present to all the sensations. That is an incredible act of love,trust, vulnerability and courage.

My job blesses me with the ability to see acts of "melting into the fierce heat" of life that courage demands of men and women who show up for themselves every day in recovery.

Recovery from anything, especially an addiction(s) is truly an act of daily courage that requires an inner determination to heal ones' past and present trauma so that they can live whole-heartedly in mind, body, and spirit.

Take a moment to notice how much courage you have every single day. See if you can notice it in others as well. When do you operate from your heart vs. your ego? Can you let yourself be uncomfortable in your healing process yet continue to move through the "fierce heat" that life serves us at times?

In case you forgot, or aren't feeling courageous, know that you are, and remember:

YOU ARE ALSO WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice CHECK OUT WHAT IS GOING ON AT NAMASTE!

HEALTHY BODY! Cari Junge,our Integrative Health Advisor, offers health assessments (including labs and review), consultations, guidance, and support for folks interested in improving their physical health from a wellness (not disease) model. Cari's intro class is: Wed June 17th from 6-7:30 p.m. she will offer an intro class to discuss healing the body from a wellness perspective, Namasté style. $20 per person; $35 per couple.

YOGA For WOMEN: Featuring Master Yogi Carrie Coppola: Mondays in July, 7-8:15 p.m. We provide the mat, etc. Bring a Journal. $40/class for 4 classes.

Contact info or to RSVP: admin@NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

You Are Safe: Can You Let Yourself Believe It?

Have you felt afraid lately? Tense, on edge, scared? I admit that I have felt an immense amount of fear over the past week. The world, after all, seems so uncertain. The news doesn't help either; it is also extremely unsettling. Life at times looks really dangerous, doesn't it? So many shootings, drownings, accidents, illnesses, natural disasters. People are dying every second. The list seems pretty dismal, especially when reviewing my list of sheer tragedies. But what about those that recently lost a job, or are facing a decision about whether or not they should stay in their relationship? What about the day to day life experiences that we each face? Can those feel just as scary?

As I prepare for my next Mastering the Trauma Wound Weekend Workshop, I realize, as is the case every time I facilitate this particular workshop, that similar to any trauma survivor, my own memories always arise. It is like dust getting kicked up in a windstorm. Sometimes the dust blinds me from seeing clearly; hence my fear lately. Thankfully, I have my own tools and resources to help me get back on track when I wander into my past.

I am reading The Body Keeps the Score (2014) by the brilliant Bessel Van Der kolk, M.D. In it he explains, "As long as trauma is not resolved....emotional responses keep getting replayed...Flashbacks and reliving are in some ways worse than the trauma itself" (p.66).

He adds, "People who suffer from flashbacks often organize their lives around trying to protect against them. They may compulsively go to the gym...numb themselves with drugs [or via other addictions], or try to cultivate an illusory sense of control in highly dangerous situations" (p.67).

As a result of the chronic illusory battle that goes on within a survivor of trauma, one tends to get exhausted and worn down in their day to day life. After all, constant and intense emotions can break down the physical body. We cannot emotionally or physically sustain in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and in some cases, even panic.

If I have felt a lot of fear lately, I am guessing that others have as well. Isn't there a sense of ease and comfort in knowing that there are other trauma survivors out there whose fear gets kicked up at times, even when it is only an illusion of a storm and not reality? Knowing there are others walking (or running) through the dust storm, fighting their way through life's confusion, is indeed a relief.

As the distinguished emeritus professor of child psychology at Harvard, Jerome Kagan, once said to the Dalai Lama, "for every act of cruelty in this world there are hundreds of small acts of kindness and connection" (in The Body Keeps the Score, p. 79). He concluded:"Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health" (p. 79).Is this truly possible? To feel safe around other people? Especially if one has endured trauma as a result of other people's actions?

To get to a place where you can fully believe the statement that YOU ARE SAFE takes some practice. However, it is definitely possible. It starts within.

One of the support tools I offer is called the Safety Affirmation: "I am safe, I am ok, this is just sensation." Saying this repeatedly to oneself throughout the day can create a sense of internal ease. This is a great tool for folks who have a tendency, based on past trauma, to be hyper-aroused in their regular lives.

Van Der kolk also encourages that folks learn to befriend their bodies (p.100). He says, "The bodies of child-abuse victims are tense and defensive until they find a way to relax and feel safe...Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past"(p. 100,101).

Sit with this statement for a moment: "You are safe." Then, say to yourself: "I AM safe."

Do you believe these statements? Why or why not? Which one feels truer? Is there a clear reason why you are not safe (if you feel unsafe)? How much of what you feel is from past trauma (i.e. the body remembering)? Or are you unsure (which is ok)? In what ways are you or aren't you safe? For instance, are you emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, sexually safe? How so or how are you not? It may be helpful to journal your responses (or mentally note them to share with a safe person).

Some tools for learning how to feel safe include: Containing challenging emotions (safe container), imagining a safe state or a safe place, deep breathing, counting with inhale/exhale, yoga, exercise; drawing, writing, creating spit in your mouth (which awakens the "Rest/Digest" part of the brain), even smiling. These tools will assist you in beginning to experience a sense of safety and comfort in your body, especially when triggered by a flashback. Letting yourself feel safe when you are safe is key.

Please always remember:

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice CHECK OUT WHAT IS GOING ON AT NAMASTE!

OUR 4TH MEN'S HEALTHY SEXUALITY GROUP: Mondays, 5-7 p.m. $45 per group; 12-Week Series.

MASTERING THE TRAUMA WOUND WEEKEND Workshop (Part 1) 2-Day Intensive May 30, 31. THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Payment plans available. Only 4 seats left! If you have experienced ANY trauma in your life and are ready to take your healingto the next level, sign up today! candice@namasteadvice.com.

YOGA FOR RECOVERY FOR MEN is every Monday in June from 7-8:15 p.m. with Carrie Coppola, yogi and healer (owner of Mudita; bajoyyoga.com). $40 per class/4 week commitment required.

HEALTHY BODY! Cari Junge, our fabulous Program Manager, is also now our Integrative Health Advisor. She will be offering health assessments, treatment plans, etc for folks in need of getting support for their physical health needs. She will offer a one night introductory class the first of June to share her wisdom about healing the body. Stay tuned for dates!

Contact info: CANDICE@NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500

Temptation: Another Great Teacher

It has been an awe-inspiring past few weeks. I had the wonderful opportunity to host and present on Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Abuse at the Utah Women's Birth Circle, facilitated by the amazing massage therapist and healer Monica Faux-Kota.

I was also invited to a Professional's Weekend at The Ranch in Nunley, Tennessee. The Ranch is an Elements Behavioral Health Program that resides on 2400 Acres of land. They have a variety of houses and programs for adult men women with trauma, intimacy disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders. A magical place; the experience was life-changing.

Both experiences, from presenting to doulas and mid-wives one weekend to having the experience of being a "client" at The Ranch the next, inspired me to take a deeper look at some components of myself and the work I do with men and women with trauma and addiction issues.

When you think about the word "temptation", think about all the things in your daily life that are tempting. For instance, tv, cell phone, social media( i.e., Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google +, Pinterest, Instagram,etc), drama, adrenaline (i.e., adrenaline junky), videogames, money, spending money, food (sugar), exercise.

And what about the "not so acceptable" addictions such as porn? Sex with prostitutes, massage parlors, strip clubs? How about being addicted to a relationship, or to a person at your and your relationship's expense? Being a stripper, prostitute, escort? Voyeuring, exhibitionism? How about abusing substances: Meth, cocaine, alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, marijuana (yes it can still be abused), heroine (oxycontin~the legal version of heroin), "K", etc?

That is a lot of temptation. I am pretty sure that everyone that reads this can find something on this list in which they are addicted.

Ask yourself this very important question: WHY ARE YOU ADDICTED?

Why is the temptation to have or use something so strong that you believe that without it, your heart will explode out of your chest and you will die?

The answer is that we are tempted by things that give us an escape from discomfort. It ALWAYS comes down to this. When drug addicts try to argue with me that they solely use for the high, I chuckle. If that was really the case, we would all be drug addicts.

The brilliant physician Gabor Maté speaks to this: addiction is an escape; a coping skill that people use to alleviate the dis-ease and tremendous discomfort they feel inside (IITAP Symposium 2015). With intimacy issues, especially when it becomes disordered, it is about unresolved attachment failure and trauma (chronic "little" trauma, and/or a big trauma). Most of these traumatic events that end up haunting people happen between the ages zero to 18.

Going back to the past few weekends, the first one being public speaking, I always get nervous. Always. But, I have internalized the belief that it is ok for me to feel the fear and do it anyway. So I speak in public and on tv often regardless of how shaky or nervous I get.

At The Ranch, I took part in a Native American ceremony called a Sweat Lodge which is a ceremony of "sitting in the heat" (literally) to release that which no longer serves and birth one's new self. This might sound beautiful; however, I really dreaded it. I considered it a scary and claustrophobia inducing experience. Twenty plus people sitting together in a pitch dark teepee sweating like crazy from heat didn't sound appealing. The temptation to run from this experience was incredibly strong; so great, that before the trip I had emailed one of the facilitators asking if it was "required." I even plotted my list of excuses as to why I wouldn't be able to attend.

With compassion, I am now able to laugh at myself about my attempts at escaping something that felt scary but in the long run was truly life-changing. It is like recovery from anything, and we are all in recovery from something. The hardest thing is getting used to facing what we have spent years running from. However, once we start to open the compartments and deal with the secrets, shame, pain, trauma, heartache, sorrow, etc. in a healthy way, we begin to feel lighter.

Facing my fear of avoiding something physically painful like a sweat lodge was a huge feat that took great courage on my part. It made jumping off a 75 foot Dam the next day seem easy (pictured above). I indeed felt lighter; I felt free.

As you move into the weekend, reflect on your past week. Was it stressful? Or was it stress-free? Did you find yourself wanting to give into the temptation to use an unhealthy coping skill either to escape or because your "addict" said, "I had a great week so I deserve this"? What can you learn from the temptation you may be feeling?

Remember, if you allow your vices to be a teacher, instead of taunt and trap you in unhealthy patterns of living, in time and with much practice (and structure and support) you will realize that what you have been running from is not the enemy. It, like temptation is a teacher.

As Always, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice LOOK WHAT IS COMING TO NAMASTE!

MEN'S HEALTHY SEXUALITY GROUP: We are excited to have this be our 4th on-going men's group.Starts Monday May 4th, 5-7 p.m. 3 Seats left! $45 per group; 12-Week Series.

90 DAY BI-WEEKLY PARTNER GROUP FOR WOMEN WITH JILL: Starts MAY 14, 6-8 p.m. $45 per group. 6 group commitment.

Candice's Mastering the Trauma Wound Workshop (Part 1) 2-Day Intensive May 30, 31. We will use my workbook Mastering the Trauma Wound as our guide (included in the cost). If you want or need a tune up and want to come for a repeat of this workshop(every time is different, or if you have never experienced this life-changing weekend and feel it calling to you: email Candice (email below).Look of the upcoming flyer for details.

Part II day-long Advanced Mastering the Trauma Wound Workshop with Candice and Carrie Coppola will be in June! Pre-requisite: Complete Part I weekend. Stay tuned for details!

Yoga For Recovery Coming June (for men), July (for women), August (for partners of addicts and trauma survivors) with Carrie Coppola, Owner of Mudita (Be Joy) Yoga. www.bejoyyoga.com. Stay tuned for details! Email Candice for information if you want info before the flyer is posted.

Contact info: CANDICE@NAMASTEADVICE.COM; 801-272-3500