Lust Vs. Disgust: Treating the Intimacy Disorder Spectrum

I love the picture of Kristen Wiig, former cast member of Saturday Night Live, displaying a face of disgust in her typical, humorous fashion. Yet, while Kristen often makes a subject that would otherwise seem embarrassing or "yucky" sound and look hilarious, in reality, we tend to experience otherwise.

In fact, when most people think of disgust, they typically recall a person, place, thing, or experience in their lives where they felt ashamed, disturbed, and/or grossed out.

In my work with both adult men and women with intimacy disorders (i.e., issues with sex, relational conflict, infidelity, betrayal, to love/relationship/sexual anorexia as well as love/relaitonship/sex addiction, to SASOP™, sex addict sex offender-potential™), every single person has reported an experience in their life where they felt repulsed or disgusted, only to unconsciously sexualize the experience as an adult in an attempt to master the trauma that is attached to it.

The reason for this is because what is repulsive and disgusting often becomes arousing (sometimes hyper-arousing) and lustful as a way to resolve the unresolved. Dr. Patrick Carnes has labeled this trauma repetition (Betrayal Bond, 1997). Many folks with histories of trauma will traumatically bond to individuals who are unhealthy, unsafe (dangerous), as a means of replicating past trauma. The brain, after all, will repeat patterns unless and until it learns new patterns of coping (patterns that are healthy).

This also presents as Eroticized Rage (ER) at times; anger turned sexual. ER gives one a false sense of feeling powerful when they feel powerless. It can also give a false sense of "equalling the playing field" when one feels wronged. This thinking is obviously a cognitive distortion.

Some individuals may act out their ER or trauma by crossing over into more perverse behavior. They may create non-hands on or hands on victims (exploit others). Robert Stoller describes this term in his book with the same title (Perversion,1975) as "The erotic form of hatred" (p.4).

This too, according to Stoller, is often an attempt to master trauma from one's past. However, instead of replicating past victimization by being victimized in one's current life, the victim becomes the victimizer. They use power and control as an illusive means of resolving past trauma.

How does an individual go from experiencing unresolved issues that manifest as addictive lust and disgust to having healthy sexuality?

While this is admittedly a process; it is definitely possible. First, it takes commitment. A person must be committed to engaging in a structured program that specializes in treating intimacy disorders (not just anyone can treat intimacy disorders).

Next, it is important to explore an individuals past to determine what created the "disgust/repulsion"(i.e. neglect, bullying, sexual, physical, emotional abuse, early exposure to porn, genetics).

This will help an individual understand how the disgusting event(s) (including an event that were not necessarily sexual) has impacted their current problematic non-sexual and sexual behaviors. This includes unhealthy "lust"; it is one way something "disgust" is demonstrated. Note: we acknowledge that lust is a natural part of healthy sex that often has gotten mi-sused as a result of past trauma.

Using Carnes' Task-based and structured model, we identify and treat co-occurring disorders and addictions/anorexias knowing that without addressing all addictions, aversions and disorders, we likely perpetuate one's acting out behaviors.

We work with individuals to resolve shame, identify and self intervene in their cycle, as well as explore the dissociative trauma model of addiction to see when, where and why their protective addict shows up and how it believes it protects their inner child from pain("the vulnerable child"). We teach, demonstrate, and have clients practice healthy core values, including learning how to ask for what they need to cultivate honest and satisfying relationships.

We incorporate EMDR and mindfulness to assist individuals in learning how to self regulate challenging emotions and resolve past trauma.

We explore the stages of courtship and steps to achieving healthier courtship patterns (especially since no one is ever taught healthy courtship). We weave in discussions of positive sexual focus as well as books such as Alexandra Katehakis's book Erotic Intelligence to take the integral steps towards healthy sexuality. We encourage partner therapy as well as couples therapy to support individuals who are in committed relationships in finding and cultivating lasting and healthy recovery together.

These are just some of the ways in which we work with individuals in order to go from the extremes of the intimacy disorder spectrum towards healthy and enjoyable intimacy and sexuality. Intimacy as well as sex deserve to be honored and enjoyed for what they are instead of what they have been used for in one's addiction/aversion (i.e., a "drug" or method of escape).

Opportunity of the week: Notice where you are on the intimacy disorder spectrum (i.e., do you bond to unhealthy people? Do you have a love addiction or relationship addiction? Are you addicted or averse to sex and intimacy?). See if you can identify what in your past was "disgusting" or repulsive to you and how that may be feeding your addictive intimate and/or sexual behavior or sexual/intimacy aversive behavior. Explore how you may have turned your feelings of "disgust" into unhealthy patterns of "lust" or avoidance. Process this with a safe person, your therapist, and/or your group. This is a positive start on the path towards healthy sexuality; when we learn to identify the "why", we can intervene on our own behalf. It helps teach us how to make healthier decisions regarding lasting non-sexual and sexual intimacy.

And, as always, know: YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Sex Does Not Equal Love

My colleague and expert in partner and trauma therapy, Jill Seely, emailed me a quote this morning from Mary Anne Layden. Mary says: "... We are hardwired to love and be loved. That's what feeds our hungry heart..." She adds, "We have a generation who are starved and have hungry hearts...They are eating the sexual junk food... because they are so starved they would eat junk food if that's all that's available to them."

I love Mary's quote; however, I think that it is not just one generation that suffers from starved and hungry hearts. Rather, we have a mass population across the globe that, although wired to be sexual, has gotten lost in the delusion that sex equals love.

Why is that?

Anthropologist and researcher professor at Rutgers University, Dr. Helen Fisher, has done extensive research studying the neurochemistry of sex and emotional systems of humans.

She explains that there are three primary emotion systems that have evolved in humans.

The first to evolve was the sex drive; lust, libido. This is characterized by a craving for sexual gratification and is associated with estrogen and androgens. One's sex drive evolved principally to "motivate people to seek sexual union with any appropriate member of the species to continue the survival of the species" (2007, P. Carnes, In the Shadow of the Net, p. 60).

The second emotion is attraction. This is often described as passionate love, infatuation, or in some cases obsessive love. People that experience this emotion system may have intrusive thoughts about their object of attraction, and may crave emotional union from their partner or a potential partner.

This emotion system is associated with high levels of dopamine and low levels of serotonin. It evolved to facilitate an individual's choice in mates, as well as help them focus their attention on "gentically superior individuals" (2007, P. Carnes, In the Shadow of the Net, p. 60).

The third emotion system is attachment. This is where we see individuals form companion love in their monogamous adult intimate relationships. It is often characterized by building a nest egg, mutual grooming and feeding, feeling anxious when apart, shared responsibilities, staying physically close to each other.

In humans, this attachment is often characterized by "calmness, security, social comfort, and emotional union" (2007, P. Carnes, In the Shadow of the Net, p. 60). It is associated with oxytocin and vasopressin, both known for connection. This emotion system developed as a means to motivate people to sustain their relationships.

We know that when it comes to intimacy disorders, it is not about sex. Sex is just a tool in which people use to cope, just like some folks get hooked on substances, sugar, spending, etc. as a means of coping with various unresolved issues.

There are indeed deeper issues that impact an individual's choice to use sex as a means of gaining love.

For example, attachment failure, genetics, trauma, and the internet itself (especially for children and teens), all hijack people's brains into thinking that the means to finding lasting happiness and comfort(via escape) is through an escape. For a lot of people that escape is sexual gratification because it feels good.

Get a quick dopamine fix and the world seems brighter, right? This is the delusion that feeds addiction...

Sometimes people get stuck in the lust and limerence phase that Helen Fisher describes, getting their continual dopamine fix while avoiding attaching to someone. A lot of times, especially with the clients that I work with, their addiction to the "feel good" is really a way to avoid feeling rejected by a live person.

For example, an anxious-avoidant or love avoidant individual may like to play the "catch and release" game of one night stands and hook ups. Or they might avoid reality by way of viewing pornography for hours and days at a time, especially when they feel stressed.

Both do this to get their sexual needs met and may even think that by doing so, it keeps them safe from being abandoned or rejected. It also may feel like "love" because of the high they feel; when in reality, it isn't.

Intensity is not love, nor is it intimacy.

Recovery is about realizing that there are ways to heal from one's past without escaping in detrimental and destructive ways. There are also ways to connect to others non-sexually and sexually. Recovery teaches us that it is actually safer and easier to be honest and vulnerable than stay detached and disconnected.

Recovery helps you get to a place where you learn what love is and what it isn't; and where you start to experience what unconditional love is, which is not about sex. You also learn the importance of having self love and self respect in all your relationships. Then, sex can become the icing on the cake, not the cake.

YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

The Sex Addiction Cycle: How to Tell If You are In It and What To Do About It

Crystal was fairly new to recovery from sex and love addiction when she experienced a death of a loved one. Shocked, hurt, and feeling rejected, Crystal immediately went into cycle. She became pre-occupied (this is first part of the relapse cycle) with destructive thoughts that included blaming those close to her (her boyfriend, and family), feeling like she was not good enough as well as undeserving of having any further recovery. She projected her hurt onto others and found herself longing for the attention from men (not her boyfriend) in an attempt to escape her pain and soothe her discomfort.

She went into sabotage mode, and although she continued attending her bi-weekly SLAA meetings, she was distracted and lacked participation. She cancelled her appointment with her therapist, stopped working on her recovery tasks, and stopped reaching out to her recovery support network. She ignored phone calls and emails from friends, family, and her therapist.

She spent hours on social media, stalking old boyfriend's Facebook pages, and flirting with strangers and co-workers (ritual phase). Her work started to suffer as she fantasized about being in a relationship with her male boss.

Her boyfriend, who knew she was in recovery for sex addiction, noticed an increase in her "zoning out" behavior and confronted her. Angry at his questions, she told him he wasn't making her happy anymore and went out for the night. She went to a bar to meet some co-workers, got drunk, and ended up having sexual relations with a colleague (Acting out phase). She woke up at her friend's house feeling hung over, as well as a great sense of shame, guilt and despair (the final stage of Patrick Carnes' relapse cycle is despair).

In Facing The Shadows, Dr. Patrick Carnes (2010) explains that there are 4 parts of a Sex Addiction Cycle: Pre-Occupation, Ritualization, Acting Out, and Despair. Change, especially if it is outside a person's control, often triggers negative core beliefs and the associated thoughts and feelings. Core beliefs, and the associated thoughts and feelings, often relate back to an individual's unresolved past trauma ("Big T or Little t"), including family of origin issues.

If these past issues are left unresolved or ignored, it is common for individuals to go into cycle, beginning with pre-occupation. This was the case with Crystal.

The following are some signs that an individual in recovery is in a relapse cycle: 1. They will decrease or even stop their recovery routine (not attend meetings, group, individual therapy, isolate) 2. They are more defensive, argumentative, manipulative, and blaming of others, especially those close to them 3. They will pick fights with loved ones as a means to "escape" into their world of addiction 4. They will stop following through with daily responsibilities 5. They act more secretive and lie about ritual behavior, and even acting out.

Crystal stopped her recovery routine, began to isolate, and was defensive and argumentative with her boyfriend. She lapsed via going into fantasy world of social media, then picked a fight with her boyfriend to escape, which ended up in her acting out.

The good news is that it is possible to intervene early on in one's cycle in order to prevent them from a full blown relapse. Had Crystal reached out to her sponsor, support network, and therapist, and been honest about her negative core beliefs, thoughts and feelings associated with the death of a loved one, she would likely have stopped her cycle in the pre-occupation phase and moved back into the Recovery Zone (Carnes, 2010). Along with this, if she continued working in therapy, she would have still struggled with her loss, but it likely wouldn't have caused her to go into sabatoge mode.

If she would have been open and honest with her boyfriend early on about the pain that she felt at her loss, he may have been able to offer her the support she needed. This may have helped her stay engaged in their relationship instead of checking out on social media (it is important to note that it is not a spouse's responsibility to keep their addict partner sober).

Although relapse is a part of recovery, one of the goals of treatment is to learn and practice healthy coping skills in order to navigate through challenging triggers, including change in an adaptive way.

Know that if you are struggling with being in a relapse cycle, there is support. You are not alone. Our team at Namaste Center for Healing is here for you. Check out our website for services and resources for various support groups: namasteadvice.com, or call us at 801-272-3500.

And as always, please remember: YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

Triggers are Messengers: Can You Let the Messages Help You Heal?

Everyone experiences triggers, or what my mentor and expert in EMDR (trauma therapy), Katie O'Shea calls "emotional activators".

For individuals in our Sexual Recovery Oupatient Program, one of the primary things that we teach and review often is how to identify one's triggers.

When someone lapses or relapses we ask, "Why?" followed by, "You want to understand 'why' so you can figure out how to resolve it from triggering you the next time."  This is key to beginning the change process.

WHAT IS EMOTIONALLY ACTIVATING (Trigger) IS OFTEN THE "WHY" FOR LAPSING/RELAPSING.

According to Dr. Adi Jaffe, "A trigger can be ... anything that brings back thoughts, feelings, and memories that have to do with addiction (like a computer reminding a sex addict of porn)" (psychology today.comblog/all-about-addiction/201003).

To most people, they are not conscious of the specific memory, body trauma, thoughts, and/or feelings that are creating a trigger, or activating discomfort. So most often, the current incident seems to be the actual trigger.

However, when we track back to earlier thoughts, feelings, and memories, most individuals are able to see a current trigger as something related to their past.

People in our lives that we deem as significant are often our biggest triggers. Anyone in our family; mom, dad, siblings, as well as our spouse, children, in-laws, closest friends, co-workers. Even one's therapist because we often present as a canvas in which an individual will transfer either positive or negative feelings and thoughts onto us to work through.

Because most people are not conscious that people are triggers, the therapist and clinical team assists them in identifying the specific triggers being activated and helps them find ways to resolve them effectively instead of projecting onto the clinical team.

WE OFFER A MIRROR.

The messenger's purpose is to give us information into the parts of ourselves that we have been avoiding. Maybe it is our deepest fear, i.e., that our spouse will leave us.

Or a fear that we are not good enough to be loved. Or maybe we fear that if we are vulnerable we will get hurt.  Most individuals literally replicate their deepest challenges (trust issues, feeling left out, fearing vulnerability and closeness) via the therapeutic experience in order to heal.

Situations arise during individuals processes in recovery that often remind them of their deepest emotional wounds, or as Teal Swan says, "the unhealed parts of our being." Sometimes this is hardest to face.

But the messenger that Teal Swan speaks of is actually a gift. The challenge and opportunity in recovery is to see the gift and open (to) it.

The messenger gives us an opportunity to take our healing to the next level. An opportunity to face those darkest shadows and corners, and evolve to a level of recovery like never before.

It may shake us at our core at first, but once we descend deeper into our unhealed parts, we often realize that the "shaking up"  is an illusion. We are only shaken up if we buy into the old stories; that part that is crying out to be healed.

The goal is to listen to the message and see if you can tap into that part of you that feels really afraid, hurt, rejected, sad, pained. See if you can come to your own aid, or if you are able to reach out to those people you know will be there for you. There are so many of us here for you.

When we are able to take the message to heart and go into those feared places, we recover. WE HEAL.

Change is hard; there is no doubt about it. But it is inevitable and always occurring. It is truly the only constant in our world. Without change, we would still be flailing around in our addictions.

Today, please see if you can really understand what your "messenger" is trying to tell you. What unhealed parts of your being have you been too afraid to explore?

Know that you are never alone. You are surrounded by those who love and care about you, and want you to recover whole-heartedly.

And, as always, without a shadow of a doubt, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Namasté,

Candice

It's All About How You Say It....

My colleague Jenny Jo and I recently went to our Level I training with Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, the leading Couples Therapy Experts in the United States What we learned about couples therapy was fascinating. The Gottman's have spent 40 years researching what makes marriages work; including what therapies are completely useless for couples, which, by the way, they would say are most therapies because, as their research has shown, they don't get to the real issue.

What is the real issue, you may wonder? It may serve to first discuss what is NOT the issue according to the Gottmans: 69% of all arguments are perpetual; they never get resolved 80% of arguments are about the same thing; they are literally the same fight! The issue is not that folks fight It is that each party focuses on the fight, or trying to resolve (or for some, "win") the argument instead of mastering the skills surrounding any and all arguments. The Gottmans describe couples as either being "Masters" vs. "Disasters". Masters scan the room for positives and compliments to say to their partner while Disasters scan the room for their partner's mistakes; they look to instruct and correct their partner.

Conflict often arises as a result of individuals failing to connect emotionally to each other It is not the conflict itself that is the problem, but HOW the conflict is approached.

For example, the Gottmans describe the 4-Horseman of the Apocolypse which they say can destroy any relationship. They are: Criticism (attacking your partner's character) Defensiveness (seeing self as victim) Contempt (attacking partner's sense of self with intent to insult them) Stonewalling (big predictor of divorce~withdrawing to avoid conflict) Most people communicate with their spouses using one or more of the 4-Horseman, which do not create a positive outcome.

Gottman therapy provides couples with extensive tools for changing the way people communicate in a special therapy called Gottman Therapy. They begin with a number of assessments to gain an accurate understanding of the relationship's foundation.

Both individuals learn how to communicate in healthier ways, while using the therapist as a witness and gentle guide as the couple progresses and changes.

For instance:

Instead of Criticism, individuals are taught to use a gentle start up; Instead of Defensiveness, individuals are taught to take responsibility for their part; Instead of Contempt, individuals are encouraged to share how they feel and what they need; Instead of Stonewalling, individuals are encouraged to self-soothe (i.e., breathe, count to 10).

Along with this, couples are encouraged to give 5 positives to 1 negative. This is often challenging for folks, especially if they have a tendency to use the 4-Horseman. However, it improves a couples relationship and can actually help when conflict arises.

This week, notice if you use the 4-Horseman; write down when you used them and with whom. Then, practice using the healthy alternatives. Document your changes. Also, practice using 5 positives to 1 negative. Notice that this may be really hard but you can do it. It will likely be awkward at first, but will feel better than how you have been communicating. Remember, it is not about solving your perpetual conflict; it is about learning how to communicate in ways that keep you both connected and feeling heard and understood.

Relationships are the hardest job you will ever have, but they are worth it. With practice and commitment, your relationship will improve.

* The Gottman's do not encourage Gottman therapy if there is domestic violence or a betrayal (affair) and/or addiction. They suggest that the person with the addict, as well as their partner, get specialized therapy first before starting Gottman therapy. This is to ensure that each person is stable and that everything is out in the open.

Remember YOU ARE WORTH IT! Enjoy this last week of 2014 and the beginning of a bright new year!

Namasté, Candice

**THIS TUESDAY NIGHT (6:15-7:45P.M.) JOIN CANDICE AND JENNY JO FOR RELATIONSHIP RECOVERY SKILLS CLASS! CANDICE WILL EMAIL THOSE THAT ATTEND REGULARLY DETAILS INCLUDING DIRECTIONS TO THE NEW GROUP LOCATION.